Is this where I can complain that once kids know how to reach the top shelf WE NEVER HAVE CHOCOLATE CHIPS EVER!!! ? Good. Because that's my whine right now. See my thread on Diagnosis: Female. I wouldn't trust a doctor with a fat person as far as I could throw them... or the fat person. Doctors judge. They're irrational. The standard of care is nonexistent apparently. No, I think you can't see how much more you love your bio son than your step son, so I think you are missing what people are trying to tell you in this thread. They are telling you you need to accept your step son and his weight and his struggle wholesale. Just like you do with your own son and his foibles. And you are not seeing that because you just keep saying "well my son doesn't have this severe of a problem". Okay well lucky him. YOUR SON, your stepson, has a problem. And a lot of it is outside of your control. And it's outside his control. It's happening to him as much as it's happening to you. If you could see how biased you are, you could see how unfair your assessment is. I've been slim my whole life, I'm a skinny paradox. I don't know why. All I know is that I'm on the extreme end of the bell curve with respect to weight gain / caloric needs. I could either say "well you all should be like me" or I could take this information and say "I don't think the doctors are right; they were wrong about what I need to eat and how my body works, so they are probably wrong about fat people too. I don't believe them. I believe the thousands of people I see online, and the scores of people in real life, who eat less than me and gain more, and I am going to believe the studies on this that suggest willpower and shaming just don't work. Because you know what? That doesn't work for me either." I choose the latter. I choose empathy and believing people and not listening to people who literally could not figure their way out of the relationship between a dripping ceiling and wet paper bag. "Maybe if you weren't so fat the paper bag wouldn't be wet?"

Re: Context: Your post was very short so I didn't include the subject of her anger, however I don't think that's important. Food is important to her (obviously) as is weight. Scarlett is associating being 100 lbs overweight at 17, which is indeed a problem, with an important health issue. I think she's conflating his everyday eating with the reason he eats in the first place, but to her this is a big issue. We all have hang-ups. Anyway, I accept the anger... I don't accept the faux concern trolling when it's not about his health, it's about control and cultural association and family bonds.

You aren't allowed to feel anger towards others in your household? Pass the Prozac and weed folks, I'm done, lol. Perhaps you meant something different... clarification would probably help.

I see where you are going with that but the idea that her son could be at fault isn't going to even come close to entering Scarlett's mind. The sense of unfairness is never going to hit her. It's clear as day to many of you but I honestly don't think she's capable of seeing that her stepson is also a child who just needs the same total acceptance that her son has, because she is unable to see how utterly in love with her own son she is. To be fair, it's not really about the milk, is it? It's about the fact that she has a kid in her house whose habits are foreign to her and uncontrollable. I know how hard it is now, as a stepparent, to deal with that issue. Because with your own kids you're like "oh yeah that's how they are" but with stepkids you have to work SUPER HARD to see their little foibles in the same way; it certainly never helps that your partner's ex is likely not highly regarded by your partner. But yeah, you have to do that Scarlett. My challenge to you is to bust your butt to see this kid as a victim of his mom's parenting, his dad's parenting, and your difficulty understanding him, and approach it 100% from that angle. A 17 year old does not want to binge eat. They don't. That is coming from a really sad place. In addition, food scarcity makes people binge eat more than food plenty does, so... if you really care, seriously, LET IT GO.

Well I thought this thread was going to be about milk and I also share a home with big milk drinkers* and I can't really get over how much milk they drink because to me it's gross to drink milk from a cup. However, reading this, I'm a little depressed. Scarlett... when teens and kids are morbidly obese from a medical standpoint, it's really not about choices, it's about a whole lot of other stuff. Some medical, some psychological. A lot of people eat from stress. Or starve themselves from stress. He is a child. From an executive functioning standpoint, he is really not in a position to overcome what many highly motivated, well-resourced and extremely strong and talented adults cannot overcome (think Oprah, other celebs who are clearly strong, intelligent, and motivated who need surgery to reset their appetites and use professional trainers and cooks to stay even near a normal weight). If your kid is overeating, keep healthy food in the house, tons of fruits and vegetables, and arrange lots of fun activities that aren't around food. But you must realize that at 17 he is in an incredibly hard situation. He is burdened with all the bad habits and parental choices from years past but doesn't have the adult executive functioning to get past the psychological causes for overeating, or health reasons he's so prone to gain. And then the executive functioning just isn't there. You're not being fair to the kid. Yeah, a gallon of milk is expensive, but let it go unless you need to make it clear that he should save milk for others (which is fair enough). Let his weight go. That's his burden. Provide healthy food and healthy activities and show love. It has to be his journey. *For the record, since apparently this is an issue in the thread, all slim, as in <50th percentile for weight for their height.

There is exactly one age at which it is okay to have a baby: 29.5. At 30, "Why did you wait so long?" "You know by some standards you're geriatric." Before 29.5? "Was the baby planned? Wow, you guys are quick!" Nope, just finished college at 21 and managed to have an eight year career then wanted to start trying and got lucky! :insert raging smiley here:

And people think I took risks by having a CNM for having my kids. I like to think I avoided homocide. I used to think it was because I was poor as a kid. Then I thought, "maybe it's because I'm not white." Then I thought, "Definitely sexism." Now I realize there's probably a whole section of the medical school course catalog written in invisible ink, on classes that teach you how to be a condescending a**.

You are welcome. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to have sensory or other health issues in such a crowded space. Good luck to you both!

My background check is STILL not complete and I need to have no gap between jobs or I have no health insurance. COME ON guys get your stuff together!

Well... no, though, they may have to change their tune if things get worse. We are in a temperate rainforest and things never were like this before. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/sep/28/brazil-forest-fires-deforestation-september-record-amazon ? I love fireworks personally but then again I love alcohol. Actually I even like shooting guns. Things have a time and a place and limits for the safety of others and it doesn't bother me to respect the rules and to have strict rules in place. I am pro-everything-with-oversight. Okay not everything. But a lot of things.

Fair enough... though one could always participate in an official display program if one were super interested in pyrotechnics.

BTW I wasn't joking about the mental illness... like they used to have the psychiatric cop unit there all the time and someone knew the parents of one of the adults. ? Sorry to add this later... I realize now it may seem like I was joking but I was serious.

No, illegal fireworks--because you know, half of California and huge swaths of Washington and Oregon were on fire for the past few years. Just to clarify, this has a really direct effect on the lives of millions of people because of smoke/air quality alone, not to mention of course the 43 people who died from wildfires, about half man-made (not including global warming as "man made"). California is on fire right now! http://www.fire.ca.gov/general/firemaps https://www.sacbee.com/news/state/california/fires/article214183814.html So are Washington and Oregon: https://www.dnr.wa.gov/Wildfires In Oregon, the largest fire was documented to be started by illegal fireworks: "Large fires include the Chetco Bar Fire in Curry County, Oregon, and the Eagle Creek Fire in the Columbia River Gorge National Scenic Area, which was started by illegal fireworks use.[7]" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2017_Washington_wildfires#/media/File:NOAA_wildfire_warning_Washington_2017_Labor_Day.png The burn ban isn't to make people miserable. It's to save lives. My state last year... those aren't clouds. ?

We talk about luck, because it is much more concrete. Some people are dealt different hands in a game. Life is a game of luck, and while we can change the rules of society, the fact is that not everyone has the same luck. Some people are born rich and part of a majority culture, some are poor and a minority. But more importantly, we talk about stories and histories. I think that what your daughter is doing is identifying with one particular story and there's no need to tell her that her desire to be like Misty Copeland is a function of white privilege. She is expressing the privilege of a child at this point. It becomes white privilege or wealth privilege when someone maintains that naivete into adulthood thanks to the protection they receive because of their race. So rather than addressing it as a white privilege issue, I'd talk to her about what made Misty Copeland who she was and what she did with her gifts. It would also be a great time to introduce kid-friendly literature on slavery and the civil rights movement. By introducing narratives of people, as you've seen, and the real history and story, rather than theory, I think you'll be laying a much stronger foundation for cultural understanding in the long run. The concept of privilege--i.e. the phenomenon of confusing the good luck associated with certain traits you have no control over, is probably not going to be fully absorbed at her age. When my daughter was little she went through a brief period of wanting to be a banana. That was childhood privilege. Total cluelessness. What was helpful was asking what bananas do for a living, and looking more into "what actually is a banana". Her dreams of being a dancer in Peanut Butter Jelly Time videos on YouTube slowly faded in the face of reality. To the poster who said poor whites face the same problems--yeah, everyone has problems. Bill Gates has problems. Vladimir Putin has problems. That doesn't mean being black is not a different kind of problem that all black people have in virtue of being born black in the US. Don't confuse individual bad luck or class discrimination with racial discrimination. They all exist but they are different things and affect people differently. And to OP, that's exactly why it has to start on a foundation of concrete history and personal narratives. People are easily confused when they get into discussions about statistics, theory and probability. But when you know the story of being black in the South, the Great Migration, and so on, you realize that talking about white privilege is just so different than talking about wealth privilege. The devil really is in the details, in understanding how deep the problem goes.

Oh and I forgot one: "I'm a cop so I know what I'm doing." That one works for a lot of things!

The people who did it most in our old neighborhood were comprised of a family in which 1/3rd were clearly schizophrenic or had some other hallucinatory mental illness, 2/3rds alcoholics and 2/3rds on illegal drugs. So that was awesome because naturally they didn't even spray down their roof or nearby bushes before starting fire hazards in a densely populated suburb. Other reasons: "Fireworks don't cause fires, people cause fires." "I'm 1/116th Native American and the government can't tell me what to do." "That's a stupid law. When I was a kid we had fireworks and my cousin got his arm blown off but he has a job folding towels at Wal-Mart now so obviously there is not a problem." "What fireworks ban?" "This isn't a firework. It just makes a flash and then comes right back down."

Yes and we don't have plans. It's either the local park near the trailer park on the lake, the medium-city park with the school symphony, or drive way the heck out to some random mountain lake and hope for hicks with illegal fireworks.

I'll hold your hand. I will also consume some of the canapes. Probably an embarrassing number of canapes and apertifs. In fact I can serve a function of making you look like definitely much more put together than at least one person there, namely, me. I bet the salmon is going to taste like butter. Seriously though, do go--and just have a good escape route, phone fully charged and ready to call an Uber or Lyft at any moment. That way you can just run to the ladies room and never come back if the people are too toity or hoity or anything.

I saw that! I honestly thought it was hopeless. Bravo to their government for keeping up the search. Every life is precious!

Have a great time! Going into the Army is definitely a worthwhile occasion to treat yourself.--not to mention, all the care your family needs. I think in your case it's a good decision. ?

I think options that do not participate in the animal-to-market supply chain are incredibly rare outside of maybe 20-30 major metro areas. You can't do most retail because of leather and cruelty; you wouldn't want to do petrol or anything selling food at all, outside of highly specialized vegan stores. JoAnne Fabrics sells leather. Out. Michael's sells leather. Out. I could go on and on. If you're taking a stand go for it but it's not simple at all. Knowing that sometimes you have to get your hands dirty to survive is an important skill. I know someone right now who can't believe she can't continue to get unemployment... I mean do they know how hard it is to get a full time job as a painter? Like, good for her, she's principled, but I'll take my cold hard cash. We just aren't that rich. I do want to emphasize that there's never been a bank. He just keeps repeating the same behavior because why not? We try to tell stories about our starts, but I think their sense is, "Well you clearly liked walking across town to clean toilets. When I find something I like as much as you liked using Clorox, I'll do the same!" It's really hard to explain that we didn't like it at all without sounding like we are complaining. But yes, we do need to do this more. Absolutely--that happens 3x / day and he is responsible for another room. 100% agree. I agree and we do try to do that. We live within walking distance of two malls and at least five little other shopping areas. We explained, you apply online then go door to door and give them a printed resume. We have talked through it. "Go on a Monday when the manager is likely there." Etc. This is where he views it kind of as our job to make it seem appealing to him or easier than it is or something? Point being, we are "owning" this problem for him and I think he needs to own it. Also, did I mention his school has a counselor devoted to this? So it's not like he has no resources. I almost feel like it's too easy and he thinks it will be easy any time, but it's actually better the younger you start because at that point the "no experience" thing isn't a problem. And yes we mentioned this to him. ? I agree it will take time to sink in. I just don't want him to feel it's our problem to pre-chew his life for him... and was wondering if "get a job when you're 15" is too raw. It wasn't for me but then, my mom also said "pay rent, study full time, or get out of the house at 18" seemed completely and totally reasonable to me as a kid and even now, but I have learned to my amazement that the middle class doesn't usually do that to their kids. That's why I'm posting here, to make sure this isn't one of those "what is real life for the working class is child abuse to the middle class" situations. I truly appreciate all your thinking through it with me.

I had a kid who was super interested in Hamilton, borderline obsessed with the story, the cast, the music. It was her first "concert". I paid $150-$200 for a mother-daughter event. In my family first concerts are important, and this was our special time. I can't imagine doing it for someone who was not an enormous fan of the artists as well as deeply interested in the history and cultural significance as well. Not to mention, if your kid wants to see Hamilton and not some teen sensation, you take that opportunity and run with it! You couldn't pay me to watch Eric Clapton, but I did pay quite a bit to see Willie Nelson and Family. They are a national treasure and again, first concert and a very special time for our family because we all love Willie Nelson and his music and style so much. I do feel that if I were going to spend again, I'd do it. I honestly think it was the best lyrical musical I've seen in my life, on screen or in person. Though I wouldn't advise spending over $100 on anything unless it had sentimental value to you. @unsinkable No weird lighting or smoke. It was very much about the artists and choreography.

Yeah, no fast food? I think fast food jobs should be mandatory. Everyone should know the misery of the general public at 11 p.m. It is a very good first job and Starbucks and McDonalds have great training and benefit programs all things considered. @gardenmom5 He can have a writing career but I meant, it is not easy or fast money. Unlike the many other reasonable suggestions for a 15 year old boy posted on this thread. Re: paying for writing clinics... At some point. For now what I really want is to shift the burden of finding work from us to him. Once that starts we can more easily propose more relevant and sophisticated ideas. I love the idea of paying to submit manuscripts or something.

Yes--he would have to earn that right now. This is what he wants a larger budget for. Hmmmm, if only there were a way to get more money... I wonder what it could be, lol. Yes. This is definitely something they must earn. We won't be providing a car budget beyond an initial starter gift for new tires on an old car if purchased. I will say he doesn't appear to want a car. He says it is too expensive and I agree. He does this. We do this with meals. Maybe it really is only a question of learning to work and not to budget--he is naturally frugal and does save, hence, savings to dip into. He is definitely a natural energy-saver if that makes sense.

We do say this and have many personal examples in our lives. Grandparents say it. I just think it's an issue where... It isn't true for him now so he is going to delay that unpleasant reality until he has to face it. I agree more.conversations on the type of work we did would help. We are trying.