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Ripley

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Everything posted by Ripley

  1. My divorce was amicable. Our kids are out of town, and we've met for dinner every night! People who just meet us are always surprised to learn we're divorced. I'm pretty sure his family and workplace still think we're married* :lol: He doesn't like the blemish on his social record. I'm nice enough to still show my face at the annual holiday parties to maintain his façade, to send his nieces and nephews gifts, and to make sure the kids call his family on every major holiday. He's nice enough to have given me full legal and physical custody, and to match my (former) income so I could retire. We each got what mattered most to us, which really is what kept the actual divorce so amicable! The only contention between us was dividing his retirement. I retired in my mid-30s, at his request that I stay home full-time to homeschool. I wanted him to contribute 10% of his monthly income into an IRA for me, the same as goes into his TSP. He has mandatory retirement at 53ish, and like heck I was going to stay home all these years raising our kids by myself, then have to go work for minimum wage in my 50s/60s until I dropped dead. He countered with an offer of 5% for however long I had a homeschool student. I told him it was the only hill I was prepared to fight and die on. He's in the same bracket as your husband, OP, and there is no reason he couldn't and shouldn't help me retire - especially since he'll be a double dipper AND the preference for me to stay home and homeschool is HIS. I let him sleep on it for a few weeks, and he came around. Most of it was him not wanting the cost of going from pro-se to represented, and the hassle of going from uncontested to contested - but ego aside, whatever; he's funding my retirement. We ended up with me getting 50% of his retirement on the day he retires (not just 50% for the years of our marriage). If he ever re-marries, she's gonna be pissed; as his retirement draws nearer, so will he. But for now we're amicable! OP, like you, this literally kept me up at night. It's a valid concern! * plausible because we haven't lived together in years
  2. My state considers homeschool to be a private school. I never liked the sound of academy, so I let my oldest pick from a narrow list each time he promoted. We do St. Anne's for elementary, Holy Trinity for middle school, and St. Thomas Aquinas for 9-12. And that's what their diplomas and transcripts read. :tongue_smilie: I've seen where the OP's situation can be an issue, even just for little things like educator discounts. It's annoying. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be trying to deal with that in the job market! I kept my maiden name when I married, so between that and our homeschool name, any time my kids submit forms and whatnot we rarely stand out as a homeschool. Not that I desire to hide it, just sometimes it's less of a hassle to deal with. I'm all for less hassle, every time.
  3. This is how I feel about my father, who is constantly on his smartphone. If aliens invaded, they'd think he had an extra appendage. This is the man who refused to let us have a Nintendo because it would rot our brains. When I reminded him of that, he laughed and said he's older and wiser now. :lol: :001_rolleyes: OP, there's a lesson here to ease into parameters rather than just throw the kid into the pool, so to speak. But that's no real help to you now. What I'd probably do in this situation is to re-imburse her the cost of the phone, take it up, and set a roundtable - a pre-determined date within a week or so. I'd let her know I'd hold onto the phone until then, and to come to the roundtable prepared with a list of rules she feels are appropriate. I'd do the same. And for that week or so I'd give let her use my phone intermittently - not as often as she'd use her own, but more than I'd have otherwise allowed. It fills her perceived need to remain 'in touch' and she either has an extra filter in posting (since she's on my phone) -or- she leaves herself logged in and I can check to see if her drive for privacy is more an innocent desire or a worried need. My teens have their own phones and I still do this with them - let them 'share' my phone. I don't do social media myself, nor do I play games or anything on the phone, so this worked well here. It also made them feel like I put my money where my mouth was - I made myself transparent, too. They could (can) read my emails, texts, everything - I have nothing to hide, and don't keep a passcode on the phone. One admitted that at first he did, got bored, and hasn't looked again; I said I'd probably do the same with him, in all honesty LOL. At roundtable we'd sit and work it out, discussing as necessary. I'd probably set a time limit, or say "Okay, let's address the big issues first (e.g., usage, passwords) and we'll set a second roundtable to iron out the smaller details (e.g., smart usage, content). So she'd know ahead of time that this is an on-going discussion, and a fluid situation. And I'd honestly hear and listen to her side. It sounds like privacy is a big deal which needs addressing. Are you very private? Are you not? A lot of your own modeling will come into play. I'd do my best to let her feel it was a negotiation (but under my dictatorship LOL). I'm not into the whole "tell me all your passwords" thing because it's so easy to set up a secondary account. My kids' email accounts are on my phone, too. It shows a little banner every time they get emails. This let me know if they've signed up for anything new - even new email accounts, which one is often prompted to link to another email account, without my having to really read their emails. Still not safeproof, but works for me. I can see every Apple purchase, everything. One thing that made a big difference to my teens was me showing them how nothing is every truly deleted. I sent one a bunch of stuff and had him delete them. Then, with them watching, I used a download program to retrieve the deleted texts and pictures and said, "You have to sleep sometime :cool: ". I emphasized that if they really wanted to hide something, they'd find a way; and that if I ever wanted to find something, I'd, too, find a way. This display impressed them because I'm otherwise quit tech-challenged. I can't program my car's clock or find Netflix on my tv, but I can google like a champ and there are lots of helpful articles for me to get brought up to speed if necessary!!
  4. I do this, too :) but I hand wash my sweaters and a few more delicate dresses. I fill the tub, clip up my hair and put Netflix on my laptop. Then I sit in the tub, wash some clothes, finish my shows, and take a quick 3 minute shower to wash off any 'dirty' from sitting in the tub water LOL. It turns a mundane chore into something I can tolerate. Because I apparently have a taste for high-maintenance clothes despite my otherwise low-maintenance lifestyle (which involves as little laundry as decently possible). Bras I just bring into a regular shower with me, and hang to dry right in the shower. Easy to grab the next morning, fresh and dry.
  5. I used to schedule tournaments, and they're crazy ridiculous all around! We always tried to get the youngest kids at the earliest games, and work our way from up the age ladder from there. I'm not surprised a U11/12 team pulled that slot; it sounds like they tried to spread out your games as much as possible, to give ample time for cooling down and maybe finding some a/c at a local eatery or something. But our league has been very pro-active in the water thing. My youngest was U10 last year, playing 25 minute halves. If the heat index is over 90 they do quick, sideline water breaks every 8 minutes. It's a bit disruptive to the game so you get some teams who loudly boo hoo and want to play through, but for the most part everyone agrees it's a good idea. Players stay on the field and go to the nearest sideline for a small, but frequent water breaks. When/where I grew up we had orange slices at half-time but that isn't a 'thing' where I currently live. On hot days I bring a case of sliced oranges for the kids, siblings in the stands, the refs, etc. My kids don't drink sports beverages, so after the game I bring sunflower seeds. Someone also suggested pickle juice, but :ack2: none of us were into that! I'm glad you guys made it through such a gross day! Good luck at today's games!
  6. Another vote for (sturdy) work gloves from the hardware store, that's what I use. I learned it from a flight attendant friend :)
  7. Have you considered the material you're sleeping on? A layer of wool might help regulate your temperature - just slip it atop your mattress and then put on your sheets as usual. It makes an amazing difference. Do an online search for "wool mattress topper" to see if it's an option for you. It may not fix the problem from within (assuming there is one), but it should bring IMMEDIATE outer relief and a decent night's sleep.
  8. We are pretty relaxed about alcohol, and my approach will likely reflect that. However I chose to address this, though, I'd do my best to remember two things: 1. (my) kid didn't lie when confronted, and 2. we're in that gray area of not-quite-a-kid, not-quite-an-adult. This, obviously, is easier said than done, especially in the heat of learning this happened. But since a significant period of time had passed, I'd hopefully have had enough time to calm down and think reasonably. I'd put it on the kid, in a discussion or two. The way I might speak with a peer who is making poor choices; choices with important ramifications they may not be thinking through, and likely won't focus on if I come at them too strong and they (feel they) have to get defensive. I'd remember my ultimate goal is to ensure they think about the bigger picture, and make smarter choices moving forward. I made a lot of dumb choices, and this is how my parents handled it. So I'd run through what is essentially a socratic discussion with the kid. - What are the consequences of sneaking in alcohol? (to relationships, people's careers, my trust in you, etc.) - What was the plan if someone became sick? (I always said, "to say it was food poisoning?") - What might happen if someone is sick, lies about how they became sick, and is treated incorrectly? - What would you do to prevent a drunk friend from making dumb choices (trying to drive home, etc.) - What is it that made the alcohol enticing - curiosity? an established enjoyment for it? peer pressure to try it? et cetera, to try to get my kid to think it through himself rather than get the same info in lecture form, from moi. I've actually been in a similar situation. My nephew and friends are sitting in a booth near me at a fast-food restaurant and I overheard their conversation (amateurs LOL). They're all driving age, so I also asked them about the ramifications of that - driving drunk, losing a license, losing athletic privileges and future scholarships. We also talked about getting away with it and not losing anything, what then?(it's a real possibility, and one they're thinking in the back of their I'm-invicible teen mind anyhow). I'm particularly close to this nephew and his friends are regularly hanging out at my house. (We did discuss that, too.) I'm privy to a lot of information about them, and they sometimes confide things to me that are, frankly, above my pay grade. I'd much rather encourage an environment where they can safely confess a bad decision, than to hide or deny or justify it to themselves without the voice of experience singing from my mouth to their ears. I'm sure there are things they haven't confided to an adult, but I'm hopeful that if nothing else they're learning to think before acting. And in that way we can hopefully minimize the poor decisions, and their outcomes.
  9. Those were all extremely helpful, thank you. I was able to weed through everything and give my friend's widow a concise briefing of what's available. And I ordered the book for them. Her son's biggest struggle is feeling like nobody understands, and it looks like we have a few local options for support groups just for teens. I only discovered those through the links you shared, and very much appreciate those. We didn't even know to look into those, or that these camps existed. They were on vacation this week and he had a pretty big breakdown, trying to call his dad's phone and imagining him to be in the car with them. It was heart-breaking, scary, and we definitely need to step up how we help him to grieve. Thank you again. :grouphug: I'm sorry that you guys have the resources you do, because of watching loved ones experience it also.
  10. I spent one miserable summer sleeping on the screened patio of a friend's family's home in the groin of America (Alabama). What helped me was to sleep with a (floor) fan directly on me. What helped even more was to put a damp handkerchief in front of that fan so that it blew cooler air. I kept a bucket of ice next to my bed with four hankies in it. The ice melted at night, keeping the hankies damp and cool. If I woke up in the night, I just had to squeeze out a fresh hanky and clip it onto the fan. It was not ideal :lol: but it did the trick. And I've never gone anywhere with that friend ever again. Or to Alabama in summer, for that matter!
  11. Earlier this spring my friend passed away, from cancer. He had two children; one my age (30s) and one my son's age (teens). They are Christmas Card relatives, and of little help to each other as they grieve their parent's death. They had very different relationships with their father, typical of a man who learned not to repeat the same mistakes on his second trip to the parenting circus. This teenager is in a lot of pain and struggling. He lost a father, but also a best friend and his one (perceived) ally. He is nothing like his mother, doesn't relate well to her, and they grieve very differently (so that he thinks she's not grieving at all, but relieved to be widowed. Which is not true, but irrationality doesn't respond to reason :( ). He truly feels completely alone in this world. I keep finding stuff aimed for "kids" or for adults. I'm struggling to find something appropriate for teens. Most of it seems like watered down 'these are the five stages' stuff. He needs something that feels like "someone understands" kind of like online support, or a book or something. Does anyone have any suggestions? Religious, secular, anything - please. He sees a counselor who specializes in adolescents, but this isn't her area of specialty and they're looking for a better fit. In the meantime, his mom is at a loss as to how to help him through this.
  12. I wouldn't be insulted, so much as I'd be a bit hurt. But to be fair, I might be that person also. I can memorize names to faces in the moment, but once the context changes all bets are off. E.g., at a rehearsal dinner I'll remember every person I'm introduced to; the next day at the wedding I won't know Eve from Adam, even if we bonded over cigars by the break of daylight - because the context (environment, clothing/appearances, etc.) all changed. I have kids come up to me at the store to say hello, kids I teach in Sunday School (class of 10, same girls for the past 4 years). I've learned to always smile and engage, but inside it takes me hours, sometimes days, to know who the heck they are and where I know them from. Like you, I do make it a point to cheer on all the kids my own kids play/train with. But I have to keep a laminated cheat sheet in my bag with their names and jersey numbers. Kids we've played with for 7 years I still don't "know" if they're not on the field, wearing their jersey. The kids roll with it; I'm the scorekeeper and they've learned to inform me when they buy new cleats or a new bat LOL. But for people who don't know me as well, I can imagine how hurtful it must be to feel ... I guess unnoticed? is the word ... to feel that others are indifferent to you? I think we've all experienced that at some point and I try to be sensitive to it. Even in high school I was the one calling everybody "love" or "honey" :lol: people find that just as annoying, but it seems to feel less personal to them!
  13. I have no wise words, or experiences to share but I feel for your DD and wanted to give you each one of these :grouphug: for experiencing this whole thing. Diana P's insight illustrated for me just how frustrating this must be for you.
  14. :lol: there is an awful lot of painful small talk at the checkout line, isn't there?! I've learned so many interesting things in line talking to random people! But I think I know what you mean - we're "regulars" at a local dive and sometimes I'm crabby or gross from working out and just want to run in, grab my to-go order, and be on my way. On those days we go to a McChain instead LOL.
  15. My grocery store pet peeve, ugh I'm annoyed just thinking about it LOL - I go in any time after 9pm and there are no cashiers!! Just me, a couple of self checkouts, and the one visible employee there to assist the self checkouts. I don't want to check out by myself. I'm off of work, I want someone else to do it for me - someone who knows the register inside and out; who knows where the barcodes are, who can bag it all smartly, and who doesn't have kids who keep moving the bags around the scale area forcing the stupid register to freeze and request assistance in a loud obnoxious voice. Seriously! I drive an extra 15 minutes to a store with real, live checkers. They're the paid professionals, I just want to chit chat at checkout, and scan the impulse buy shelves. Whew!
  16. I grew up with an Asian mom who did this when she was mad at us but had company or something. :lol: I also have decades in the hospitality industry, but I'm only moderately good at it. I wear my feelings on my sleeve, not for wont of trying.
  17. Also, FWIW - sometimes it's a chicken/egg thing. My son takes private lessons because he needs that extra level of competition. Working out with someone to hone his craft is absolutely something I'm willing to support - be it music, languages, cooking, or sports. It's just that I support it with my heart and gasoline, not my checkbook LOL. He's always known that it does come at a cost because there ain't no money tree in the backyard (I check every day) -- which means he's offering up some of sacrifices of his own. The deal I made him was he had to pay for his own club fees. And he hustled to earn those. In 4th/5th grade he hustled and earned the $2000 he needed to play at the competitive level. He's shown that same hustle on the field, and has earned scholarships every year since. If someone had told me to earn that (even now), I'd shrug and say, "Meh. No longer interested." :lol: He's not going to ever be a pro or Olympic athlete, and I will not allow him to accept a sports scholarship of any amount so it has zero to do with that. But that hustle, drive, practice, delayed gratification, teamwork, working out frustration/unfairness, learning to cooperate, etc. have all been worth the investment of private lessons. (I say that, but his private coach sees a passion in my son that he loves the snot out of, so he only charges my son 1/8 his going rate - enough to buy a biggie meal on the drive home from practice, but it's enough for my son to take training seriously.) His private lessons include smarter mechanics, which have protected from zealous coaches who were more concerned with the win than my son's long-term physical health - in terms of knowledge, empowerment, and physical usage. We run into some elitist, delusional parents who swear they're raising the next Tiger Woods. They annoy me. Can you imagine putting up with them every week? Maybe better if you find a team that fits your personality better. Says the voice of BTDT. :glare: Also, I don't know what this is supposed to be: :zombiechase:
  18. How disappointing for you guys :( it's hard enough to not make a team, but even harder when you felt you had a fighting chance; I'm sorry. I was a competitive athlete (who took private lessons from elementary through college) from a large, one-income family of other competitive athletes and musicians who lived in an extremely high COL area. We all went to college on scholarships, both academic and athletic/music so from the perspective of parent financial "investment" it paid off. But these are different times. I never intended to be an elite athlete, but I was a competitive one and needed that higher level of play/training to develop (both athletically and personally). The skills I took from those years absolutely have carried over into today, both athletically and personally. ;) I live in an affluent area, and am familiar with the game you're up against. I grew up in an area where the local government had a recreation department that truly offered recreational activities - at minimum or no cost. We had city rec centers, staff at the parks playing with the kids and checking out equipment (balls, rackets), and a great structure in place. EVERYONE hung out at the rec center. For, like, FREE Ain't so here. I joined the rec board to try to re-create that, but you know what? Failed. People wanted rec level sports but they weren't willing to put their money where their mouths were. And it may have been little Sally changed her mind about tennis, or Billy Bob's dad decided he didn't want to spend every Saturday morning at the fields - valid reasons, btw - but I tried for three years, unsuccessfully, to build a rec sports program. My academic background includes recreational programming, marketing, and non-profits and this is the same job I did, successfully, in my 20s for a number of cities. Too many people are just willing to pay to play, or to tell their kids forget about it. It frustrates me, exactly for the situation that happened with your OP. I refer people now to the YMCA two towns over. It's low-key, fun, and short enough "seasons" that a kid can try a variety of sports - at any age. Is there a YMCA near you, by any chance?
  19. This is how my family does it, and while I've never heard the phrase I rather like it: pre-wedding wedding. We just invite everyone and make a party of it; but we're a party people, both genetically and culturally (even the old-fashioned among us!) :coolgleamA: We don't do the invites and whatnot either, but mostly because we'd all rather that money went towards an open bar - as guests and as hosts LOL.
  20. I'm an extrovert from a large family of extroverts. I don't want to think of a life where I'm alone! :eek: If I were single and childless, I imagine I'd be doing the same thing I am now (in my retirement) - taking care of nieces and nephews, and younger cousins. I watch them before/after school, get them to and watch their activities, tutor them, play with them, coach them, just be present and there for and with them. I'd rather die than live alone, so I imagine one of my siblings or my parents would have to let me live with them (not a problem, and actually something we've all done in different periods of our respective lives). Actually if I never had kids, I'd have never moved out - no need to. We'd have just transitioned from me living with them, to them living with me, organically as they did with my grandparents. But I would like to claim a "room of one's own" as it were - just an extra bedroom or sunroom to hold my messy hobbies and disorganized files and such. Something where the family didn't have to deal with it, or feel a need to constantly comment on my unique organizational system ;).
  21. :seeya: Hi, we might share a sister in common. OP - if they're thinking aloud, it's hard to break in because they're tuned into their thoughts - not the conversation. That's no less annoying, but more easily understood to be a something that does require their notice and effort. I think most people would want to know so they could work on it. But if they're just boorish and railroading dialogue, I try one of two techniques. These don't always work, but it keeps my blood pressure down to at least try LOL. 1. Whisper or mouth your response, just like you do to get a drunk person or hysterical toddler to quiet down. Some people want so badly to know what you're going to say that they'll quiet down to hear it; these same people tend to talk over you in regular speech because they think they already know what you're going to/are trying to say (correctly or not) and don't see its relevance. So they talk right over than you, at increasing volumes. Sometimes I just mouth the lyrics to a song. When they ask what I'm saying, I just smile in a self-deprecating way and reply: "I have no clue what you're talking about, so I'm just doing a mental inventory of my iPod." 2. As they talk, I look around desperately for a savior. Anyone - the barista, the bus boy, another parent/friend, a kid - and use them to try to steer conversation to a new topic. "Hey, that barista has some funky glasses," or "That bus boy is cute, is it tacky to ask him for his number for your daughter?" or "Look, there's Jack's mom, have you asked her about {topic}" or "Awww, look at that little sweetie, I miss those days," or anything. It's not super successful, but it will give your ears a minute's break. Sometimes that is the best you're gonna get, short of walking away or beating their face in. Okay, I guess I have three strategies. I also hide out in the bathroom until the boor has found a new target. My friends and the aforementioned sister marvel at my itty, bitty bladder :thumbup1: .
  22. I'm a family person. Our family is like one giant co-op, and my "area" (which I share with my mom) is kids. I'm able to get a lot of my me-time goals, dreams, and needs in now because I have a large family and we all kind of pull together. I retired in 2014, in part to be more available to my nieces and nephews for tutoring and chauffeuring. That was possible, in part, because my siblings and their kids also have "areas" of contribution - e.g., lawn work, pool cleaning, car maintenance, meal prep, etc. Pull together, win together. I have a large age gap between mine, plus we breed lots and young, so I expect to be sidestepping into full-time grandmothering, or great-aunting at that point. If necessary, I'll do elder care for my aunts, uncles, or parents. So when I launch my youngest, I'll just keep on truckin' with my responsibilities to my larger family - hopefully while still doing the things that are important to me: traveling, sports, and shopping!
  23. I bought this bamboo pot scraper to replace my chewed up nylon pot scraper. You can pretty much take anything else from my kitchen and I would neither notice, nor care. But move my scraper an inch to the left - or worse, let it linger in the sink where it may meet ugly demise in the disposal - then you'll be meetin' my hairy eyeball pretty durn quick. Santa brings new scrapers every year - to everyone in my house! :hurray:
  24. I just transitioned from mid-30s to my late-30s. It gave me an ubble age of 23 with a .1% chance of dying in the next five years. The Discovery test I got a 9.5 (I lost .5 for loss of balance getting up). I've been on steroid medicine for the past three months and gained 40 pounds, so I was surprised by both results. I've noticed a definite slowing down and loss of flexibility. But my family squats - to play, to cook, to eat. My ex-husband commented on it once when I was organizing the lower kitchen cabinets, that I was squatting instead of just sitting on the ground. My family is Asian, so maybe it's habit or DNA ;).
  25. We chose military summer camp: https://www.hargrave.edu/summer-school It's not the "re-directional" type for at-risk kids, with the overly strict discipline and such. That would have back-fired on us! It was a structured, for sure, but more in a positive mentorship way. There are different ones around the country. Our culture doesn't really "do" therapy, so it wasn't something we wanted to try straight out of the gate. Our kid's problems were also low-threat, similar to what you describe (he wasn't self-harming, hurting others or animals, etc.) and we felt we had some leeway in addressing those. He was not initially thrilled with the idea, but always cooperative. And it grew on him. By the time camp came, he was slightly enthusiastic. By the time he came home, he was begging to go back the following year. It offered him structure and routine, time away from the stressors of home (including yours truly), a chance to be around many other boys, an opportunity to be physical and WORK, and the length of camp was perfect for instilling new habits (and even realize he missed his "annoying" family). He returned home with better posture, much more respect, and in great shape mentally and physically. He was my kid who left clothes all around the house, socks in particular, and never met a hanger he'd put to use. He now hangs his clothes up IN ORDER (by length of sleeve and by color) and puts all his dirty laundry and dishes away right away. It's like a miracle happened. And he left camp with good friends that still keep in touch. I'm not against therapy, but like I said it's not something we see as a first resort. In part because we have professional therapists in our social circles that are completely clueless (as will be the case with any profession), and trying to weed out the woo-woo ones and the old-school hardass ones to find someone in between that would respect/understand our cultural and religious (Catholic) differences was going to be a chore. (In fact, I did research for one while he was away at camp. It's amazing what time I found when I didn't have to stay on top of him for chores and argue with him about school.) We didn't have to use her then, nor now, but I still keep her info at hand. My son grew so much from the experience. Most importantly, he viewed it as a positive approach rather than the "something is wrong with you, see a therapist" approach that he'd have met from our cultural viewpoint ... but also from the perspective of our larger society. That alone did wonders in his openness to addressing his issues.
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