I'm empty nesting now (as much as one can with a freshman home every weekend!), so things may slowly become different. But the above was our life. I have health issues and dh worked crazy long hours with a crazy long commute. I felt lucky when he got 8 hours at home in between so he could get a decent night's sleep. I grew up with a dad who punched a time clock and friend's whose dhs did the same. I creates a totally different life.

And since others have dealt with more severe asthma with mine, is this as bad as it sounds?...He was concerned about pneumonia, but I was getting no air in my lower lungs, so he couldn't hear anything. That's why I got the treatment there and had to wait for it to take effect, so he could hear. He cleared me for pneumonia once he could hear but said I just had bronchitis. He made it sound like it was really serious that it was so bad he heard nothing...Is this normal for severe asthma?

So I ended up in urgent care yesterday with the asthma. I'm already on a steroid inhaler (with moderate side effects) and was using levalbuterol in the nebulizer (since the straight albuterol causes so many side effects). I got a breathing treatment with albuterol and a steroid shot. I've come home with oral steroids and real albuterol, and I really need to get on top of this. The problem is the insomnia the meds cause. I do not sleep when I take steroids, so I'm looking at 6 more nights with no sleep, even without the shakes and tremors I get from the albuterol. All of my autoimmune conditions flare if I miss any sleep. Obviously the docs are insistently that breathing is more important. Does anyone else have this problem? What do you do? Is there anything I can ask the doc for on Monday that would help me sleep and wouldn't interfere with the treatment? Thanks!

I know it's coming up soon, but this is a good idea. Maybe interviews could be someone coming to have tea with you and MIL. Your stamina may be better than mine, but if FIL ends up in the hospital for a couple of nights, it sounds like you may have to stay awake that entire time to keep an eye on her. Even if you are potentially only hiring someone for a day for you to get a nap, it would give you a chance to see how she'd do.

Does the area celebrate Columbus Day? I think it's SF we were in one year, and traffic and crowds were terrible. I'd check.

My thoughts: Violet Glynn Violet Grace Violet Rae Violet Belle I like the sound of Violet Rain, but Prince's Purple Rain popped into my head, with the timing, it might seem like a tribute (which is OK if you are a huge Prince fan.) I think the problem I had with Violet is that it is used as a color adjective, so too many middle names felt more like the noun in a phrase, than a name.

Teresa, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you must feel. :grouphug:

I don't quite understand all of the logistics, but would it help at all if your ds crashed at his girlfriend's house a couple of nights a week and not come home at all? You may have to pick them up late and drop them off there, but then her parents could just handle the morning drive without you being involved? I would do anything for ds, but, honestly, with that schedule I would be sick within two weeks and incapable of doing anything by four. No matter my desire, I couldn't pull it off the full six weeks. You may be made of heartier stuff than me. ETA: I'm not suggesting they sleep together, just crash on a couch or floor or whatever. He'll be so exhausted he'd probably be able sleep anywhere.

Overall, I haven't seen this. Kids with more attention from their parents tend to be better behaved. In the parks, the real problem kids are the ones whose moms never look up from their phones. Attentive parents can notice problems before they get big. On the other hand, if the ONLY time a kid gets attention from an adult is when they misbehave, then I could see the above happening. Some parents really do ignore their children completely unless there is a problem that has to be dealt with. It certainly happens in homes with addiction problems, but I think also in homes where kids should be "seen and not heard" or are treated as a nuisance.

It's so hard to ask for help. It's embarrassing to admit you can no longer do what needs to be done. Your hubby might mention next time he talks to BIL that as long as BIL keeps insisting that FIL doesn't need help, FIL will keep trying to live up to that. *I* fell into that trap myself, and I imagine it is even worse for a proud father. It sounds like you and your hubby have done all you can to help this visit. It may take your FIL a month to digest all the information and be ready to act when you go back. :grouphug:

What about America's Funniest Videos? They are super short segments and never the same people, so no one to remember. When my son was tiny, he loved these, and my dad watched with him.

Some rambling thoughts: If they aren't harmful, sometimes they just let them go. It's one of those things that is SO much easier for a professional than a family member. With family, it hurts so much to see a loved one in that situation. You are actually grieving the loss of the person they were when they sit right there. A professional is there for 4 or 8 hours and can have some detachment. It doesn't necessarily break their heart. In your case, it seems like this is worsening so fast, it's hard for your family to emotionally keep up. (Also regular caretakers have different talents than others of us. Some people can teach beginning violin all day long and not have a nervous breakdown. Others aren't as bothered by the quirks of dementia patients.)

Thanks, they've tried those, I was just hoping there was something I hadn't heard of. The first only works in high enough doses to make him completely inactive, and the second...just not enough. They are experimenting with combinations of other things now.

Denise, Do you happen to know what medication worked? We've tried so much and nothing is helping.

Thank you for posting this. I've tried to explain (here and in person) what the past four years did to me, but it's impossible to get across the impact of 24/7 caregiving. I would strongly encourage everyone to get more help than you think you need from the start and find supportive people that understand what you are going through. It's like living in a fog, and you really need someone who can *see* to guide you.

This is excellent for good things, but I'd caution against putting everything on the calendar. If there was something coming up that could cause my dad the least bit of stress (dentist, doctor, long drive, etc), he would fixate on it as soon as it appeared coming up. It turned out to be better to have the last minute drama of "We are going to the dentist today" rather than the week-long dreading of and fretting about the upcoming event. YMMV

It's easiest to have the doctor that run the test fax the results to all of your doctors. The only problem is sometimes results are not reviewed by other doctor, but just put in your file. If you want a doctor to review it, call the office after the results get there and tell them that you want the doc to look at the new results and to have him call if she needs to come in earlier. I tend to take all of my orders for blood work to one doctor in the interest of getting stabbed as little as possible. I make sure the lab has the fax numbers of all doctors that need to know.

Interesting that this is how I would describe mine now, but I read The Explosive Child for a reason. It was once I completely dissolved the power dynamic that our family became what it is now. Of course, that is just what turned out to be right for us, I can't imagine that it is the answer for everyone.

I did read The Explosive Child when mine was 3. Dh and I often use the Basket A/Basket B terminology when dealing with issues in our own life, but with parenting, I think somehow most of life just became Basket C...all of those things that I thought I should think were terribly important just weren't. Our home may not be the cleanest or most organized place, but we actually get by just fine. I've often wondered if it would work with more kids or if it's successful because I just have one or just because of the personalities of the three of us.

I think the difference for me is that asking to unload the dishwasher is just a request. It doesn't have to be obeyed. If ds has time and is in a place to help out, he usually will, but it's also perfectly fine if he says no. Since he is free to say no, calling it disobedience if he doesn't do it is weird, and thus calling it obedience when he does help doesn't seem to fit either.

I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and always get better on Doxy. I just found out that I have SIBO. It can cause a pain complex that is misdiagnosed as fibromyalgia. I don't really have any of the classic GI symptoms...except a chronic cough. It's a slim chance that it's your problem, too, but since I never heard of it before, I didn't even know to research it.

You just said what I was trying to, but so much better. I've wondered if it just works for me because our family is small, but it sounds like it works for your large one, too.

It's really interesting to read everyone's take on this. We do live our lives very differently here, for better or worse. Disobedience isn't really a concept any more than obedience. I realized from something Katie said that we don't even really have "rules." There's a big Norman Rockwell of the Golden Rule at the front door, but that's about it. It's pretty much live and let live. Most everything here gets done because someone does it. If something doesn't get done because no one cared enough to do it, maybe it needs to be re-evaluated. It's why we don't have houseplants anymore. Dh and I lived that way before and after some early drama of me trying to be a "proper" parent with a strong-willed, explosive child, we just went back to it. Ds helps lots either when I ask or when he sees something that needs to be done, just like dh (but more often.) Now that he's at college, there are all kinds of things I didn't even realize that he was doing that I'm taking over. The trash to the street is a bugaboo for all of us. We all try because it just seems like it is impossible for any one of us to remember consistently, even with the natural consequence of stinky cans or running out in pajamas when we hear the truck. I can't imagine why I would expect a 16yo to be any better at it than I am. From reading this thread, I can see that I'm not the only one.

This happened with my dad. The first sign of dementia in him was becoming more and more anxious. I, like you, tried to everything to alleviate his concerns. It took two years of it finally worsening into full-blown paranoia for me to realize that you can't explain to or adjust for someone who is losing a part of their brain. Ultimately I found that I had to treat him like a young child when one had nightmares or was afraid. I don't know if your mom is getting dementia, but I think it is helpful to think about it early. I did not have support to understand what was going on, so, in essence, beat my head against a brick wall for a couple of years. If I had understood that it was early dementia, my coping mechanisms and my help for him would have been completely different. I recommend a book, The 36 Hour Day, to help you understand what might be dementia. I wish I had had a copy three years earlier.

Having only one, I can't speak from personal experience, but only from others' with a similar philosophy. Every person is different in when they like to work and what they like to do. So one might take on daily tasks like dishes; another might do bigger tasks that are done less often like bathing the pets. Over time everyone takes on the tasks that are least onerous to them and most everything gets done. One problem with using the idea with your sons is that I think it is easier when kids are raised in this culture from the start. If they have a lifetime of extrinsic motivation, it is very hard to switch to intrinsic.