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Joules

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Posts posted by Joules

  1. I wouldn’t. I don’t think being locked in a room away from family for part of the day (when you can hear them out there) is in any way equivalent to being alone for a work day. Instead, once this is lifted, I’d try to be out a little more each day (even if you just drive around a bit or take a long walk) so she gets used to the idea that every time you leave you come back. 

    • Like 3
  2. 13 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

    I sympathise. We are/were in the middle of moving.  Is there any way to get out of the purchase? Best of luck and stay well.

    We would lose earnest money and all of the fees owed to the bank, lawyers, agents, etc. but I think we can back out until April 3rd. I’m struggling with “Should we?” Do we stay the course, knowing this place is nearly perfect and this is right move in the long run? Do we take the chance that this will be a really bad year, but we’ll come out the other side in a much better place?

  3. So this is a distraction for everyone, I’ll delete the details so don’t quote.
    WWYD: You are done homeschooling, last child graduating from college, time to downsize from the HUGE house in the exurbs to a tiny downtown condo close to everything that an aging couple needs (lowering commute, close to hospitals, no maintenance, etc.) Bonus is that there will be bedroom for ds in a vibrant city as he launches his career. Selling enormous house will return enough equity to pay off condo, so monthly cost will not include mortgage. Given the work on house and timing, you decided to put an offer in on the perfect thing before putting enormous house on market, because you knew it would be easy to sell (best schools, best county, fliers in mailbox each spring asking if we are ready to sell, etc.) You had savings to float a few months of both knowing this would be the best move in the long run. Then the pandemic hits!

    Closing is April 3rd!

    Worst case: Dh or I (or both) lose our jobs, we are still working as we have the ability to work from home. We can’t sell our house and have two mortgages which can’t be sustained indefinitely without using retirement (which is less than it should be due to being practically single income through homeschooling.) 

    Middling: Given the new housing market, we will have paid too much for the new place and will likely get less for the old and may not be able to pay off the whole condo mortgage.


    Best case: The pandemic has people fleeing to the exurbs and they are willing to pay what we expected to get out of the house. Long term we are in a much better financial situation with a more sustainable lifestyle heading into retirement. 


    Bonus for those who remember the year we had two mortgages for over a year and a layoff in 2008 when we had the exact same awful timing. 

     

  4. I’d like the universities to lighten up. I’m not saying drop rigor, but cut back on unnecessary assignments, make things a little easier. Don’t worry as much about getting everything in. These kids are traumatized worrying about their grandparents, their parents, the elders in their community, their future. They really only have so much non-primal brain to work with right now. Having taught in the university, I know the pressure to get in everything for the pre-req, but I question how much they will retain anyway, they’ll have some serious review to do in the fall in any case. Be kind to them right now.

    • Like 2
  5. When you frame it as an affair, it makes sense, but it could easily be seen the other way...and I speak with some experience here.

    He has been very stressed with work, even considered moving. It's affected him sleep-wise and emotionally. He may feel trapped and depressed, and this may concern him even more because of family history. BUT he's the man, he's the strong one, he should be able to handle this. He's embarrassed. Worse, you are probably busy and stressed caring for little ones and the last thing he wants to do is put the burden on you that he is at the breaking point, that he is about to suggest that you pick up and move  (and we all know it's the mom that does all the work in that scenario!)

    And then he can't remember his own child's name. He comes out with something random and can't even explain it to himself. He is freaked out. Thirty seconds with blank mind is terrifying (I know this from personal experience.) And he's thinking, now you know, you are going to realize how bad it's gotten. It's awful, but on the other hand, maybe now it means he can open up to you. There is no way to hide it. So suddenly you are hearing the depths of his stress.

    It's hard to say which scenario is more likely, but I would consider all options. If my thoughts are true, it might really break him to realize that with everything else falling apart that you don't trust him anymore. 

    And on the list of medical things, if he is getting a physical, makes sure he gets checked for a UTI. 

    • Like 5
  6. I have just skimmed the replies. I agree about the fostering, and it sounds like you do too.

    One thing I want to add is to suggest you just never tell your dd that you are doing this because of her behavior. I can't see any way that that doesn't equate homeschooling to punishment. And, particularly if you are committed for the longterm, she will ever feel like she is not good enough or well behaved enough to "get" to go back to school! (BTW, this behavior is often fatigue and you'll see it after a long homeschool field trip, too.)

    As to how and when? I would start homeschooling as soon as school lets out. (Call it summer school/camp if you wish!) Join a homeschool group or two and participate in their activities all summer long. Meet the community. Join the dance, sports, acting, etc. classes that the homeschoolers frequent. Do lots of fun educational stuff at home. Help your kids make friends in the homeschool community. Then when fall comes, tell them that you've enjoyed this family schooling concept so much that you are going to keep doing it instead of splitting up and going back to regular school.

     

    ETA: And if the summer is totally exhausting and you are ready for your kids to go back to school, send them and re-consider the homeschooling life in a year or two.

  7. I definitely think you should own the house, but...In our situation, we bought a house and my parents paid rent. (It wasn't theirs originally, it was new to all of us.) Our big mistake was that it was a bigger house than we needed and it's a financial strain to manage it without them. If they had both passed, inheritance would have paid it off.  In our case, my mom passed and I cared for my dad for nearly four years (and couldn't work), but it became more than I could handle, so he is in a home. All of his monthly income (and part of his savings) goes to the facility each month, so we are on our own. We need to sell, but it is a really bad time for us and it has become "home" to us.  Our HOA doesn't allow renters, and I'm in no mental state to share the house with anyone else anyway. It's awful all the way around.  

    All that to say, make sure you can comfortably afford the house without their portion of the rent.

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  8. We use rate my professor. The numbers are not as helpful as reading the reviews. Some things that ds loves in a prof are things that other students hate, so he really has to read all the reviews. I find it is most helpful if you make sure to read the reviews for the class you are taking. The same prof might have vastly different reviews for 1001 intro bio and 3000-level genetics.  Also some classes are just hard and the profs ratings suffer. You are unlikely to see a 5.0 physics prof.

    • Like 3
  9. On 10/26/2018 at 10:54 PM, klmama said:

     

    That's how I've always heard it used here in the Midwest.  However, I used it recently in a "poor dear" sense about someone else, and everything laughed, which I interpreted to mean they thought I meant it in the Southern way.  No, if I'd meant it that way, I would have been a lot clearer about it.

    I have to defend us Southerners! We use "Bless Your Heart" in multiple ways and most of the time it is the first below, a sincere expression. Once people learned of the other way, they think that is all we mean...LOL!  As a note, think of it like languages that use different tones to make the same word mean different things. Though not a feature of English, I think it occurs at times in "Southern" English.  

    From Wikipedia

    Quote

    "Bless your heart" is a phrase that is common in the Southern United States.[1][2][3] The phrase has multiple meanings. It can be used as a sincere expression of sympathy or genuine concern. It can be used as a precursor to an insult to soften the blow. It is also sometimes used to mean "you are dumb or otherwise impaired, but you can't help it" by individuals who wish to "be sweet” and do not wish to "act ugly".[4][5]

     

    • Thanks 1
  10. 1 hour ago, TravelingChris said:

    I actually believe that in this country, we actually have overall greater respect for Jewish people than in some other Western countries.  However, the uptake in anti-Jewish crimes after a longer period of calm is troubling.  But the resurgence has been going on for longer in Europe.

    Overall, the demonization of people based on their religion, race, or ethnicity is becoming more and more acceptable in a society that thought it was past all that after WWII. As we bring that back, anti-Semitism comes along with anti-____.

    • Like 11
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  11. I wouldn't tell anyone, since we don't have to in my state. I would suddenly get a job as CEO of a new foundation funded by "anonymous" donors. My foundation would use the money as an endowment and take grant applications for the earnings. I would spent the rest of my life reading grant applications and funding worthy projects. I'd get paid enough to live a decent life, pay off debt, and travel (probably meeting with grant applicants), but I don't need to be rich.

    I bought my ticket at a bodega that has homeless people living around it. They scrape up what they can get to buy lottery tickets and hope. I'd love it if I could make that type of life non-existent, at least in my little part of the world.

    • Like 1
  12. 12 hours ago, KarenNC said:

     

    The thing that jumped out at me was "convert." The vast majority of new converts to anything, religion or otherwise, don't have a mature understanding of what precepts actually look like when the rubber hits the road over the long term and tend to a very literal and sometimes extreme interpretation. I'd also be curious about whether spouse A is part of an established, mature community with a guidance structure for new converts by more mature community members or is doing this solo, which makes the extreme and literal more likely.

    I think that may be exactly the problem! I've definitely seen that in Christianity, but hadn't thought about it in other circumstances. At the least there is a communication issue of what it means, and y'all are getting it third (or fourth) in the telephone game.

  13. 49 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

    Boy Joules, I don't know about the spouse A/spouse B thing with the two being in different places mentally and emotionally in the relationship within the paradigm you describe. I do know that for most of my friends love hasn't been the glue that holds their marriage together. Love went out the window a long time ago. Most are still married, mutually agreed to with spouse, for the sake of convenience. They either have kids to finish parenting, or complicated financials and it isn't yet worth the legal nightmare of dividing it up, or don't want to deal with the drama of divorce within their extended families. Now that said, none of them have found someone else they want to attach to either which makes the marriage of convenience okay. There is a certain contentedness with where they are in life. Some have a total lack of affection in their marriage, others have a modicum, sort of how you might feel toward a friend. Not your best friend, but a friend.

    In my own case, I still love Dh and he still loves me. If love were everything its cracked up to be, there would be no worries. Well, love as it turns out is kind of like elmer's glue. It's okay to hold some substances together after a fashion, but if you really don't want it to come apart, you need 15 hr epoxy which means one spouse provides chemical A, and the other spouse provides chemical B so when they combine and harden, you are hard pressed to rip that apart. Both of us have test tubes that have nothing but fumes left. The fumes are trying really hard to share electrons, but it is a lot of smoke under the vent-hood and not much product if that makes any sense. For the sake of our kids and the ease of dealing with finances, we could probably make a friendly roommate situation work these days. But, currently, I still feel attached to him, and he is maintaining that he still feels attached to me.

    In terms of transferring my love or energy or affection to a more ecumenical kind of life pursuit, I don't think that would happen. I do have children and a grandchild that I adore, but my marriage converting to one without attachment between dh and I, would not make anything different as it pertains to them. I don't think it would change my societal outlook, my view on affection or working to the benefit of others. But, since I've not been raised with this culturally, I am sure I don't understand it. Without cultural background and with so much baggage of my own cultural upbringing, I don't think I would ever understand it or put it into practice.  I hope others can help you more.

    But, in terms of marriages without romantic, physical, or mental attachment to the partner, yes, those I've known. They go okay when both partners are willing. I suspect that at some point though they will fall apart due to someone deciding he or she can't live forever with someone who is not attached to them because we've all been raised with a different viewpoint of the marriage relationship so obviously different expectations. I don't think its wrong for Spouse B to call it quits and move on if the marriage is causing pain. I used to be of the "marriage forever" bandwagon in my younger days. Now I've seen too much to think people should remain in relationships that are slowly killing them inside.

    Yeah, mine's nearly over and I'm still coming to terms with that myself. I think the key to the other situation is the bolded. They just aren't on the same page. A feels like he has a higher truth, B wants more from a marriage than indifference. We both haven't had a real job in 20 years which makes the details really hard to work out. It's hard to be stuck with a spouse that isn't in love with you anymore, because staying together is the only financially feasible option.

  14. 41 minutes ago, SamanthaCarter said:

    “Essentially metta is an altruistic attitude of love and friendliness as distinguished from mere amiability based on self-interest. Through metta one refuses to be offensive and renounces bitterness, resentment and animosity of every kind, developing instead a mind of friendliness, accommodativeness and benevolence which seeks the well-being and happiness of others. True metta is devoid of self-interest. It evokes within a warm-hearted feeling of fellowship, sympathy and love, which grows boundless with practice and overcomes all social, religious, racial, political and economic barriers. Metta is indeed a universal, unselfish and all-embracing love.

    http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/buddharakkhita/wheel365.html

    Agape has been expounded on by many Christian writers in a specifically Christian context. C. S. Lewis, in his book The Four Loves, used agape to describe what he believed was the highest level of love known to humanity – a selfless love, a love that was passionately committed to the well-being of the other.”

    This is a very high bar, though a noble pursuit. Who better to practice it on than ones family? 

    That's lots to unpack and read. Thanks!

  15. 23 minutes ago, Liz CA said:

     

    Jean's definition /explanation is a good one. So...am I understanding that you think some people are so dependent on their spouses / children that they could not imagine life without them? Naturally, it would be horrific to lose your family or even your spouse but with some healthy grieving, outside support (friends, support network, etc.) one can work through this. Life will be different but it's not over yet.

    What made me wonder was the choice of the word "attachment." Yes, I think if you have a spouse, it's a good thing to be attached to him or her. However, as already said, everyone still has a life of their own. We choose to merge somewhat in marriage, become attached, work through things together but we are not giving up who we are (or it seems better if we don't). My dh plays golf, I have no interest in it. I like to take walks, he is not one for long walks. This does not mean we are not attached but we are not constantly sitting in each other's pockets. Ideally, both build a satisfying life, cultivate their interests, share their passions.

    To the first bolded, no, I didn't mean that. I just meant the difficultly when Spouse A says, "Yeah, I love you, but no more than anyone else."  I meant that makes Spouse B sad and wondering whether to stay, not dependent. 

    As to the second, "non-attachment" is the word used by the religion, not mine. I'm just trying to understand. As far as I can tell it's more seeing marriage as "this is working right now for both parties, when it doesn't we split." versus a "in sickness, in health, til death" sort of philosophy. From my perspective, I have no problem with divorce, but I think it's hard for your spouse to have a "Whatever" attitude, if you didn't start with that.  On the other hand, it's probably more honest, because most marriages don't last (and probably even more shouldn't). I'm not even entirely sure if Spouse B should be hurt or upset, though I understand completely why.

    To everyone, I do apologize for so poorly communicating. I just want to see things through the eyes of others.

  16. 58 minutes ago, Lady Marmalade said:

    I've seen this with distant family.

    Started out as a happy marriage, happy family.  They were involved in their faith somewhat,  but weren't really "all in" I would say.  Then Spouse A decides to go deeper and all in with this way of thinking.  Decides that the marriage has not actually been healthy for anyone- that the attachment is a stumbling block to the "true path" in life as far as the religion goes.  Counseling ensues for both parties.  Spouse B just cannot come around to this way of thinking and the end result is divorce.  Spouse B happily remarries less than 2 years later and is very happy.  The children seem fine with the whole situation.  I have to admit, Spouse A does not seem happy from a distance- not like they once were.  I've seen dating happening lately, and I wonder what that's like.  Dating without attachment?  That seems like foreign concept to me.

    That's all the information I know.  Not close to this family, and only watched this happen via FB and through what other family has mentioned.  

    Thanks! That seems like the natural progression to me (except A isn't the least bit interested in counseling). B would like to try to come around, but it just seems like a hard shift. Without adopting the whole of a religion, how do you just accept that your spouse is no longer attached to you, when that is the crux of what a marriage was to you? (The children are adults so there is no issue there.)

  17. 55 minutes ago, Liz CA said:

    I am not sure I understand what a non-attachment marriage would look like? Can you give examples?

    I'm not the best person to answer, "What does this look like?" is the question I was asking, albeit poorly.

    Jean's link is good. This is from the link:

    Quote

    Instead of seeing your spouse and your children as the ONLY people in the world you love that much, you use your strong feelings for them to build your love and compassion for everyone, attempting to get as close to feeling that strongly for everyone, not just your spouse/children/whatever.

    I love my family. But they are not my world. My world is vast, and they are a wonderful part of it. But they aren't all of it. My happiness, my success as a person, my compassion and love are not dependent on them.

    I think there is a traditional (Judea-Christian?) idea that the spouses hold a special place in each others' lives. This idea dilutes that and makes it uncomfortable for someone who is still in those values from another tradition. I have no value judgement on the whole thing, it's just we grow up with, and possibly marry with, one view, and it can rock someone's world to try to cope with another view.

  18. 1 hour ago, Pawz4me said:

    I think I must be confused or misunderstanding, and probably shouldn't be commenting because I don't have personal experience. I only dabble in Buddhism--I find it to be an extremely helpful philosophy. I'm not a Buddhist. But it seems to me that you think that Buddhist aren't attached to/don't feel love or a connection to their spouses or children? If so, I don't think that's correct at all. It seems to me that Buddhism is mostly just a different way of keeping things in perspective. But I could be totally wrong.

    Not at all, I’m not communicating well. Which happens when one is trying to share very little detail. I’m not disparging a perspective of love at all, and I’m not even sure if everyone who adheres to a non-attachment philosophy applies it to marriage. 

    Here’s the deal. A converts to this sort of non-attachment philosophy. Spouse, B, is trying to understand as this detachment is painful. It’s in B’s best interest to learn about and understand this new form of love and figure out if a marriage in this new paradigm is right for her.

  19. 1 minute ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

    I know lots of very happy arranged marriages.  Yes, the people learned to love each other.  There was compatibility there in many of them because the go-between specifically brought people together who had compatible beliefs and values and interests.  Some of these people (all Japanese) were Buddhist.  Some atheist.  Some Christian.  It was a cultural thing - not a religious thing.  The couple do meet before the wedding and do have a chance to say no. 

    I definitely know many happy arranged marriages. It's more the non-attachment that I wonder about. When you don't come from a culture of non-attachment but a culture of marriage as security (which many arranged marriages do), it seems hard to transition that mindset.

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