Ballroom
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Posts posted by Ballroom
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Near Roanoke, VA currently.
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Just looking for a supportive forum to vent frustration in the area of forming lasting friendships as a homeschooling family. I have read quite a few posts regarding the problem of making friends for homeschool kids and families. There is comfort knowing you aren't the only one, but it's getting so tiresome. The work was put in years ago. Groups, activities, blah blah whatever. There were some friends sprinkled in, but they faze out. Not because of our lack of interest...oh no, never. We always try. Maybe too hard? But I'm sensitive to that actually...and if I don't have the vibe that you want to be friends too...I quite trying. Maybe it's one of my kids? I don't have the energy to post all their detailed personality types, but they are generally, cool sweet kids. Not super loud, or savvy socially, but nice, funny kids. The other thing I'm struggling with deeply right now, is being a Christian, and having a thicker skin in regards to this type of thing. I know people fail, and we are called to put our trust in Christ, not man. My mind knows this truth, but I'm torn up about the hot and cold attitude of fellow Christians. Varied examples: the mom friend at church who now barely speaks to me? My mind starts going...did someone say something about me? Gossip? What...I've been nothing but nice! The mom at my kids tap lessons whose girls were super friendly with my daughter, and now she's cold to me, and her daughter is now too ( do moms actually tell their kid to stop conveying friendliness and love to other kids!!) These things weigh on me. I want to brush it all off, but it happens. Is this jealousy over things? I don't know. I wish things were easy in regards to friendship. Like they were for me as a kid in the 80's growing up near big city Portland. Always had lots of friends growing up, that spanned decades. but as a homeschooling Christian mom? ?? Forget it. Has anyone found any books to help overcome these disappointments in life? I read ' uninvited'. I liked it..looking for more wisdom. Thx!
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Thank you. It's so helpful to hear your personal experiences. Admittedly, I'm slightly intimidated by the amout of effort I will need to give, while teaching two other children, but the benefits might outnumber the drawbacks.
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Can someone share their thoughts on it? Considering it for my youngest who is 4.
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I don't think I would let one person's lack of social skills color my whole perception of the homeschooling world.
Umm, ok. Here you are agreeing with me about 'lack of social skills' Boom.
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A few more thoughts~ I think that as a culture we highly praise the individual, at all costs. Someone says- I'm shy, so don't expect much from me, I'm going to protect my introverted self, and not bother with those pesky social graces we teach our kids ( or do we??). I know I would advise, and steer my quieter daughter to extend kindness, and show warmth to others, because that is how she would want to be treated
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That last post was explaining my small rant included in my OP regarding introversion.
To clarify my other thoughts- I was confused why someone would act very friendly towards me AFTER I was viewed as being " liked" and accepted by others in a group. I am annoyed with this woman because I didn't receive and warmth or interest from her, even after seeing her a handful of times, until I was validated by other people. Hope this makes sense...getting late :/.
I do see a lot of good advice here. I do tend toward cynicism
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Thank you everyone for all your insights here. I am aware of what typically constitutes an introvert- lots of alone time, recharging, shy, etc. I am very friendly, and I enjoy chatting, but I also can relate to the need to withdraw...be alone, and relax. Socializing is tiring. What I don't appreciate is women labeling themselves an introvert to excuse themselves out of being polite, kind...and civil to others. I might not know someone well, but I can smile, say hello. I'm a grown woman...I can get over myself for a minute and speak kindly and extend some friendliness to someone else even if I'm" shy" or whatever. If you are a self proclaimed introvert, and you visited a church for the first time, and no one chatted you up, smiled your way, greeted you....most people would assume it was an unfriendly church....don't think many would say- " oh their great...just a bunch of introverts!" Just some thoughts. Some awesome Christian writers who I respect would say that being shy as an adult is a form of pride and selfishness. I don't think I'm in full agreement of that, but i can see truths there.
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I'm wanting to share an experience I had months ago. It has gotten under my skin. There is this homeschool Mom who I would see around. I first met her at a book club, and then I ran into her at our local gym class for homeschoolers. I would chat her up. Cuz I'm friendly like that. And I could sense her lack of warmth, short responses...barely made eye contact. Ok, I guess this is what people refer to as an introvert, but sometimes I honestly feel that is a nice term given to rude behavior. Btw- I'm not at all a weirdo...I just made some friendly small talk, etc. I wasn't smothering her. Then, I actually saw her at a mutual friends get together ( small town) she didn't make eye contact...I just got the impression she was trying hard not to say hello. Ok, that hurts! Then. Here is the real issue- she is also a part of the same small homeschool group, and when I saw her there. She was aloof as usual, but the kicker is this. I am friendly and liked by the other Moms, and as soon as she saw that I was accepted by them..her whole attitude changed like magic! Big smiles, she even put her hand on my shoulder!! Lots more convo now!! Geesh...so she had to witness me being validated by other women to actually treat me kindly,! What is that " oh, now that these other moms deem you acceptable...I will too". I feel so bad by that.. I see this in the homeschool world, everything is just a popularity game, and who you know :(. Thanks for letting me rant
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Children really were sent outside to play unsupervised. Happy adventures happened sometimes. So did dangerous activities. I cringe sometimes to think of the things we did without adult supervision. We played in the street a lot. When it snowed, one hilly street was left unplowed for children to go sledding. We learned the rules of the hill from older children. In the summer we climbed the remains of an old strip mine. Bullying, harassment, and worse were rarely reported to adults. If it was, the victim was more likely to be admonished than the aggressor. Excluding a child was common and there was little recourse for the excluded child.
Friends, especially those of elementary and younger children were mostly opportunity playmates. We played with similar aged children who lived on the same block, relatives, and the children of our parents’ friends. When we were considered old enough to cross multiple streets on our own and could tell time, we were allowed to walk to the playground and to homes of classmates who lived in our town. Parents would be asked permission to have friends come to play or to allow their children to visit friends, but it was the children who did the arranging. Visits with school friends who lived farther than walking distance were rare.
This was really like my childhood. We ran around all the time in my neighborhood. At age 5, and 6 even. There were lots of older kids around, and my older brother was somewhat in the mix looking out for me, but still it was pretty much independent roaming. I look back and get nostalgic about this kind of life, but yet I cannot fathom it for my kids! I feel strongly about how kids need to have independent free play, and not be hovered over. Yet, I can't seem to feel the need to be near them and want to protect them from all kinds of crap.
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I have been homeschooling for 9 years now and I can tell you that we have definitely had our seasons of loneliness. I always had adult friends very close to our family but my kids did not always have friends.
Here are some things I have learned....they really made a difference for us.
1. People do not like scheduling things, or going too much out of their way. So, the best way to make friends is to get into some "thing" that your kids regularly go to,( and then it still takes time. People are social beings but we also are self preservationists. People do not meet you twice and open their arms wide, usually.) And I DON'T mean the once a month Park day at the homeschool group. Examples that work better are something weekly: Scouts, AHG Girls, Girl Scouts, Classical Conversations, a big homeschool co-op or year rounds or nearly year round sports teams, Moms Heart groups, weekly Bible studies with play time for kids, etc.
2. Some kids make friends easier than others. My daughter makes friends much easier and likes having several friends so she has more friends. My son not only has a hard time making friends but he prefers to have only a few friends. He would prefer to be alone than to hang out with anyone but his best friend. We had the same issue when we lived in our old state and I have come to accept it. I can push and push him to say hello, make conversation, and invite kids over...but he just isn't interested....He just isn't a social butterfly. So, I spent more of my time and energy making time for the friends of my daughter.
3. Even if you are involved in a weekly group of some kind, You have to reciprocate. Invite people over, offer snacks, make your home a welcome and fun place to be, and keep on inviting. People love to drop their kids off. Others want to come and talk with you. You have to figure out what that mom wants and then do it. This requires time, forethought, and even money. (having plenty of snacks on hand for all the kids!) But still....this is the exception, and flows from an already built relationship. Which is why the first point, of joining some weekly group, is essential.
Our society, unfortunately is very institutionalized, compartmentalized and over scheduled....so I really can't stress how important it is to join something where people already are. They don't' have time to go out of their way to make new friends. Go there every week. Volunteer, take part in it and be a big part of it.
Thank you. We have done these things though...to a burnt out level. I think my kids just don't find kids that are interested in them. I think my girls are quieter...more reserved, especially now. More guarded because they have been " burned" by other kids..nothing outright awful...just the subtle I'm done speaking to you variety. Of course that still hurts
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So, we had a playdate today. My oldest met a boy in his lego class and they hit it off. Thankfully, the boy's mom didn't wait for ME and initiated the contact and we got together.
We agreed on the time and place. I picked a place - a library. The one that all my kids like to go to. It has games, legos, train table, computer.
I thought we were all set!
Guess what?? My DS2 and DS3 kept whining that they didn't have anyone (translation: DS1) to play with and weren't having a good time.
But I had a good time with the mom and DS1 had a good time with his friend. 50/50 success rate.
This is hard hard hard!!!!
That is funny! It always seems to work this way for us. One friend had a sweet daughter that my girl enjoyed, and then her son declared that she didn't like my son anymore...and lo and behold, she stopped hanging out with us!? Geesh.
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Thank you for all this great advise and empathy! I do have a nagging feeling that my eldest kid is trying a little hard, and kids are picking up on it. How to go about talking to her about this I don't know? How do I not make her feel bad? She probably senses/knows that I am sad when I see kids withdrawal from her..so already she's learned how much I value this! I hate that! I wish I would be more upbeat about it. Hey if no one wants to be friendly that's okay! Just love The Lord- I need to love this more for my kids :(. I don't want them to turn into insecure people pleasers.
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Thanks everyone! My main heartache about it is that we have tried little groups here and there over the years. My kids might start feeling accepted, and then something happens. One of the little girls stops talking to my eldest ( 9 yrs) and the whole dynamic changes. Why the crap did she do that? I have no clue? Do I talk to the Mom?? I don't feel totally comfortable about it because we are still fairly new! Kids are fickle, but I feel like my kids love their little new friends they make, and often that affection is not reciprocated. I try to look at it openly...are my kids doing Something? Maybe trying too hard?
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Can someone please explain group dynamics to me? I just feel like we never fit in. We are always the new ones. Kids might initially be friendly, but then quickly dissolve back into their established friend zones. I've had long periods were we stop trying. I pray about it. I think this is an idol in my heart for sure. I want my kids to find sweet friends. The look on their faces when other kids show them interest, makes me so happy for them. It just seems like we can't ever find the sweet new kids looking for friends too. Everyone has got their people.
I just would love some shared experiences. Grown homeschool kids.. How did they turn out? Maybe God just wants them to be close friends with their siblings? I have two girls and a boy. This is totally rambling, but it's a tired subject for me. We are normal! And fun! Why is it soo hard?
I was an 80's public school kid, and I swear I never felt that making friends was this hard. Thanks for listening.
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Thank you! So helpful... It is so hard to find anyone to give lessons here. It feels like your bothering them or something! It's just weird
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Thank you all! Helpful, and comforting!!
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Sorry :(. That is hard...I always feel sad for kids being left out. I feel like there are some parents and people in general who are sensitive to this, and guard what they say, are actively including others. And then there are parents who are clueless.
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This has swirled around in my head for so long...I need to understand this.
My daughter from a young age has had an interest in boys. I think from about four or so I really noticed it. At that age, I remember we went to a homeschool group gathering with a friend and her daughter. She spent must of the time watching the boys play ball, as her little friend tried to engage her in something else. It bugged me. She always has in interest in men too, men are more funny..she enjoys there company etc. I have to say before I get suggestions about an absent Dad. Her daddy is great, super loving, involved..good dad. She doesn't have " daddy issues"
I'm worried about it.. A lot. Sometimes I feel like in her short life little girls have turned on her, made her sad, played their passive aggressive games, and she got very weary of them at an early age. Maybe she finds boys/ men straight up, less drama...easier. I don't know, I don't hate women, I have a couple dear friends, but I do tend to not enjoy the bologna that comes along with groups of women...maybe she notices? But how is it that she has been like this since four? I can even remember a little girl in some bible study class being mean to her at like age 2! Maybe it stuck with her??
I'm kind of rambling here, but I just don't know? Maybe she has a bad relationship with me, and that has tainted her view on women. I have blown it at times, but I don't know if it's any worse than any other Mother.
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Btw- my kid isn't some holy terror or anything either...she is a sweet girl, who loves riding, and is good at it..thought I would clarity.
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If someone out there has any insight into why every horseback riding instructor has turned out to be an uber flake, I would so appreciate it.
My daughter loves horses. She wants to ride. It's simple right? You give her lessons...I pay you. The last one flaked constantly, last minute. The next one failed to mention that they were away at a horse show. Next one decides on a whim, after I expressed interest in having my daughter show horses to stop teaching.
Am I clueless..is there some weird riding lesson rule I'm not getting..is it snobbery? I'm really lost. I live in a small southern town in VA...I'm not originally from the area, I must be not getting something. I appreciate insight please!!
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Thanks everyone! I have an idea in my head of a great teacher- They would laugh with my girl, tell fun stories, play some wonderful songs, and just have a neat spark to them. I care that they learn technique, but really keeping them intrigued as the practicing becomes daunting to them is what I'm after.
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My daughter has been taking piano lessons for a few years now. The first teacher was a great pianist, but had no personality....really quiet. Sweet, but really quiet. I really want her to find the lessons fun! I think this would really motivate her, and she would enjoy it more. We have one now....she is better. But just not awesome! I want them to love learning the piano. I'm not the mom who wants them performing all over the place. I just want them to enjoy it, and for the teacher to take an interest in them too..
Is this too picky? Did you change a lot to find the right one? Please share. Thank you!
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That's really encouraging! I'll look into that in my area, thank you.
The in and out of friendships, and other social woes..
in General Education Discussion Board
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Yes. My childhood was full of visiting with neighbors, and spending lots of times at friends home. I guess nostalgia plays a part in this sadness. I guess I understand that through many years, and technological advances etc that things will look different now. maybe we are all just sick of each other's Facebook posts, and don't want to hang out!