Well, DUH! Yay for the update. Merry Christmas every one.

Okay, it's wrong to now wish that like seven of the kids they are allowing to participate do one of the following things: Start crying Throw up Start pushing each other and devolve into a mini-wrestling festival Sing the wrong song Forget all the things they practiced Because HELLO they are 4! and are performing for family! and are part of a class! And I don't like your school!

Don't have time to read all this, but I will say this: If your child were to have a melt down at age 4 in the middle of a big performance, and my kids were standing next to him, I would feel nothing but empathy and would hope they could help him calm himself and have the best experience possible. Wouldn't most of the other kids' parents just smile knowingly and give him a high-5 after he calmed down, or whatever? Geeze. Also, I've seen plenty of "typical" 4 year olds freak out in a performance. (I'm a music teacher and have literally helped hundreds of little ones with their first performances.) At that age, it's anybody's game. The teacher should have at most chatted with you about how to make it work and what to do if he has a hard time. And she/he should have had that conversation months and months ago. I would be so ticked. I hope you can make a special performance day with your family if the school holds to this ridiculous decision.

When i lived in Japan, I tutored some Japanese homeschoolers. They had lived in Australia for a while, so perhaps they had a special dispensation to homeschool or something. There were LOTS of expat homeschoolers and afterschoolers. FWIW, I really enjoyed the Japanese schools. The ones where I taught (3 elementaries, 1 jr/hs, and a private college) were really well thought out and good places for kids. If I could send my kids, I might consider it and afterschool the essentials. Most Japanese families put their kids in after school school once they hit about 4th grade. It's like Sylvan or math club on steroids. It's not that the daytime schools are so bad, it's just what is done. I would find some expat homeschoolers in Kobe and chat with them if you're concerned.

We've started using the math facts grids on recommendation from somebody in a thread I posted about helping them memorize rather than skip count. I call it a "game" and they love it. I am on the prowl for a book of them and other games to practice multiplication facts. After the holidays I plan to hit up Amazon to see if I can find an activity book or something...

I have a good friend who is a teacher trainer in rural Pakistan. In the late 90's I got to visit for a couple of weeks and she took me all over the country. I remember Swat. :-( People join in that area sometimes because of crushing generational poverty and isolation. Both of which schools would help alleviate better than any extreme cult. It's a double loss.

I lived in Japan for a little over 3 years before kids. If I could figure out a way to do it now, I TOTALLY would. It is a fantastic country in which to be an expat. Safe, polite, different in fascinating ways, developed and full of culture with a thousand facets. Enough people speak enough English you can get along pretty well and it's fairly simple to learn the basics. Every kind of food is available (the fish thing- no, it is not part of every meal unless you like it).

YES that is me exactly. I'm generally very light-hearted and polite, but can have a sharp tongue immediately followed by a lot of regret. I let my emotions get sucked out into the open and it's not pretty. I will definitely check out that book, too. Thanks! So far the boundaries book is intriguing, but I am not yet to the part where I learn HOW to enforce said boundary. I will try some repeated answers and pass-the-bean-dips, but in the past seriously then it's like they smell blood in the water and circle around for the attack. I need an internal dialogue stronger than whatever crazy LOUD GIDDILY POINTING AND SHOUTING stuff they are throwing at me. DH is at the ready for dealing with 99.9% of this stuff from here on out and trying to help me stay out of it in the first place. My husband and I talked to my mom tonight. I finally told my mom some of the crazy things his parents have said & done to me and she was actually not surprised at all. It was so nice to have another perspective and my mom has dealt with a LOT of difficult people in her life. It's amazing to feel support from them both. I'm getting sappy so I'll stop, but I loved hearing my mom and husband talking about how not-right some of these behaviors are. My mom's not jumping all over his parents, either. Just kind of sad and empathetic about it all. Like a boss. Like a sane person. Nice to have those around.

Okay, just the main sticky and some of the common abbreviations at DWIL cracked me up tonight. Thanks for recommending that board. I'm going to lurk around.

I have a cycleops one that is awesome. I really like it. Those deals sound very reasonable. It's a very good workout. There are some indoor cycling cds and even podcasts that are helpful and fun. When I've used mine, it's in our garage with either my iPod or our tiny 80's tv. Hope you find what helps you!

I can't imagine them ever going there! My husband is a lawyer (though not that kind of law, he has friends), they have never done anything that extreme, and we live two states away, so I'm not too worried about scary rights situations. I do appreciate hearing your story, though. The advice about not being responsible for their feelings is very good... and really hard for me. I was raised in a family where we tend to swing the pendulum a bit far toward over-analyzing every little thing to be sure we're not inconveniencing anyone or making anybody uncomfortable. I can see I have some work to do. They are so almost-normal it's infuriating, if that makes any sense at all. That's why they get me every time- I thought we were cool. Whenever we're visiting, we are at their house for a week or they're in our town but at a hotel for a weekend. Walking away would be kind of tricky, but I have in the past ducked out for an afternoon at the park with the kids or to "do some last minute shopping". I think there are ways I can make it work for me and mine.

He told me immediately after as we discussed the fallout that he really wishes he had said almost exactly what you wrote. He thinks there have been other times over the years when he could have said something like that as well. Neither of us think this would necessarily change their thought or behavior patterns, but he is ready to create the boundaries and wishes he had helped make them sooner. In a way it's good that this happened yesterday. I wasn't even on the phone in the initial upsetting conversation so it is so clearly nutty that they ended up turning it back to me. I think my husband is as surprised and disappointed as I am. I hope the book helps. We're going to have some heavy lifting in terms of thinking about what we want moving forward.

Thanks so much! It's weird, they are otherwise fun. It would make them sad, confused and probably a bit annoyed to know that they are not in the right. That they've been perceived as difficult would bother them, but they would be dismissive. Some of you have had such awful situations. Thanks so much for offering me advice. I really hope we don't end up that extreme. Sometimes we all have a great time. I do believe they care about me, which kind of makes it suck more. I've already downloaded Boundaries and my husband has a hard copy coming. We'll look into some of those other recommendations. Thanks again.

My husband is completely on board with me. He kept his head down as a kid and works through a lot of learning and self-socializing as a young adult in order to learn how the world typically interacts. You would never guess he is from them. (His sister, on the other hand...) He's a great support and i think I'll ask him to read that boundaries book, too.

So the board jokes about "the in-laws" a lot... but I really am at a loss with how to interact with mine. I've been married for 10 years. I love my in-laws, but they have some really difficult personality quirks. I can't really describe the whole dynamic, but here's a summary: They openly admit they believe in teasing when somebody is sensitive about something in order to help them not "take themselves too seriously". They are EXTREMELY opinionated and loud. They feel being "direct and open" is the best way. If somebody says things politely or in couched terms (which I do) they assume it's not their true opinion and that person is not being genuine. It seems to spur them on to further prodding. They also believe adult children should respect parents' opinions. Which means agreeing with and complying with those opinions. We've run into this even in simple things like what movies are appropriate for our children. Not wanting the kids to watch whatever they "have been wanting to show them" is a huge big deal to them. Huge. Food for toddlers (eat it all, eat whatever you want, have more cake, are you sure he can't have this item he's allergic to, it spans the spectrum), gifts, even esoteric minor theological conundrums can become heated topics. She has said things in front of me like, "Let's just have a bit of fun and go around mommy's rules about xyz" to my children, which was the last time I "got snappy". So, on to today. This morning my husband was talking to his mom about our amazon Christmas lists for the kids. I didn't really pay attention and was not in on the convo, but apparently he said something that hurt her feelings. He didn't even know it had bothered her. It was something like, "Mom, the lists are up to date like Violamama said. She has checked them, I have checked them. Use them or don't, but those are the lists we have," said in a calm voice. This was after about the 6th conversation (no exaggeration) I have had with her over the last 2 weeks about the presents and I thought she had finally decided what to buy yesterday. She is super intense about presents, where I wish she could just focus on the relationship with the kids and enjoying the holiday. Her gifts come with strings attached and she requires reports about how they use them, etc. They are very well off so it's not a financial thing. Anyway, unbeknownst to my dh, after hanging up his mom was in tears. So his dad then called, livid, and starts yelling at him. I have only seen him do that two or three times over ten years- he's not abusive or inflammatory but he will support his wife down whatever crazy road they're on. He's definitely a "patriarch" kind of guy. They proceed to have a long conversation, and after the first 5 minutes it all focuses on me and how they feel I am "snappy" with them and have been disrespectful and hurt my MIL's feelings a lot (?!?!). In the past, they have assumed I "made" dh quit a job and blamed me openly. They have said they feel just about anything they don't agree with that comes out of my dh's mouth must have originated with me. They do not understand me and "feel they have to walk on eggshells", despite admitting they know I'm more likely to consider their feelings when I speak. If it matters, I am not the only one to notice and struggle with these traits of theirs. I am certainly not perfect, but I truly don't think I'm misjudging or glossing over some flaw of mine that is secretly at the heart of our issues. I don't expect them to change, and I'm tired of them walking over me and frankly hurting my feelings. Today's chat with their son has definitely damaged my relationship with them. I can't believe they called and complained about me for 90 minutes. My husband thoroughly regrets the conversation because he's afraid it has legitimized the idea that the problem is with me or with communication quibbles. He thought he was trying to help them understand (and therefor be nicer to) me but we both think they are just fundamentally at odds with us in a few crucial ways. They act like rhinoceroses but want to be treated like dictators made of butterfly wings. At this point I do not want to open myself up to them one bit further. I want to find a way to interact with them that protects my feelings from their brand of crazy. I feel it's important that I'm able to be kind but firm without feeling gutted in front of the children. It would be nice not to dread time with them, but I don't think that's realistic at this point. PLEASE! Have any of you had luck with modifying your relationships with difficult people? Can you recommend books? Drugs? Remote locations to run and hide? Sigh. Seriously, I don't think I can keep being nice to them if I keep letting myself be blind sided like this. TIA.

*Do the last 1/9th of laundry *Chinese tutoring lesson *pick up christmas cards from Costco ...& write/print letter to go in 'em *swimming *THEY SAID YES!!! WHOA- better take a shower! slight chance I can finally meet dh's partner at the office party if my parents will watch the kids... slight. figure out community center registration numbers for swimming registration on Saturday tidy up names for program for Sunday, hound that one disorganized teacher this week: *clear out homeschool cubbies & take out wishful thinking curric that we're not actually doing go through boys' clothes and cull for outgrown stuff purge toy sideboard help boys make more gifts *decide about new viola case hair cut? *done haaaaalelujah! thanks dh! send bills for winter term

Do the last 1/9th of laundry Chinese tutoring lesson pick up christmas cards from Costco & write/print letter to go in 'em swimming slight chance I can finally meet dh's partner at the office party if my parents will watch the kids... slight. figure out community center registration numbers for swimming registration on Saturday tidy up names for program for Sunday, hound that one disorganized teacher this week: *clear out homeschool cubbies & take out wishful thinking curric that we're not actually doing go through boys' clothes and cull for outgrown stuff purge toy sideboard help boys make more gifts *decide about new viola case hair cut? *done haaaaalelujah! thanks dh! send bills for winter term

laundry 8/9ths done... never done... wah... hate walking around piles of folded clothing... boys tripping over (now not as) clean towels... *Buy balloons and cake *Put signs in car *Print programs *Ask assistant to get extra keyboard? (follow up with new teacher to see if he needs it...) *Get reception stuff in order: napkins, plates, tablecloths, etc. *Take 8yo to piano lesson, then go to store for more cups and balloons to bring back for recital. I am utterly wasted after a successful recital. My eyes are all fuzzy and my feet hurt. It was fun to introduce our new daughter (she waved at the audience and danced around while the kids had their pre-recital run-throughs, both of which surprised me!). She was remarkably quiet for a 1 year old because she had a random orange slice in her mouth for about a half an hour. Maybe it will be my new method for keeping her quiet. 22 kids played and only one was in tears and it was my own son (poor guy!), which is a pretty good percentage. They were all beaming by the end. On to Sunday's recital... and Messiah rehearsals... but first a book and bed.

laundry 8/9ths done... never done... wah... hate walking around piles of folded clothing... boys tripping over (now not as) clean towels... *Buy balloons and cake *Put signs in car Print programs *Ask assistant to get extra keyboard? (follow up with new teacher to see if he needs it...) *Get reception stuff in order: napkins, plates, tablecloths, etc. Take 8yo to piano lesson, then go to store for more cups and balloons to bring back for recital. this week: *clear out homeschool cubbies & take out wishful thinking curric that we're not actually doing go through boys' clothes and cull for outgrown stuff purge toy sideboard help boys make more gifts *decide about new viola case hair cut? *done haaaaalelujah! thanks dh! send bills for winter term

Sorry I don't know the story on your mom, Jean. (Isn't it your inlaws moving into care recently?) If she has memory issues, could you call just to be loving but not mention your dad if it upsets her to talk about him? Sorry for your loss. laundry 4/5ths done... never done... wah... hate waking up to piles of clothing... woe Buy balloons and cake Put signs in car Print programs Ask assistant to get extra keyboard? (follow up with new teacher to see if he needs it...) Get reception stuff in order: napkins, plates, tablecloths, etc. this week: *clear out homeschool cubbies & take out wishful thinking curric that we're not actually doing go through boys' clothes and cull for outgrown stuff purge toy sideboard help boys make more gifts *decide about new viola case hair cut? *done haaaaalelujah! thanks dh! send bills for winter term

*school *swimming laundry 4/5ths done... never done... wah... hate waking up to piles of clothing... woe *Type up recital programs & email to be checked Buy balloons and cake Get signs ready Get reception stuff in order: napkins, plates, tablecloths, etc. this week: *clear out homeschool cubbies & take out wishful thinking curric that we're not actually doing go through boys' clothes and cull for outgrown stuff purge toy sideboard help boys make more gifts *decide about new viola case hair cut? *done haaaaalelujah! send bills for winter term

Yes! My boys ask "is today a tv day?" fairly often, but aren't all that bothered when the answer is "I don't think so." They get to watch a show in the afternoon about every 3rd day while their sister naps. We don't usually do any on weekends unless they come to a rehearsal (iPads) or we watch a football game. I have to say there was a time when they were watching a little more (a half hour or so 5x a week when they were 4 and 6), but as they've gotten older and we've added school they love their free time to be truly their own. When we travel they sometimes end up watching more and playing with the iPads more. I notice that they are quicker to lose their tempers and just crankier in general then. Frankly, I am like that, too. I'm reading the first fiction book I've had made time for in years: Marilynne Robinson's Lila. It feels amazing. I think about the themes in it all day in a way that doesn't happen with audiobooks or web articles. My husband is even reading it. So, YES!

*school *swimming laundry 1/2 done... never done... wah... Type up recital programs & email to be checked Buy balloons and cake Get signs ready Get reception stuff in order: napkins, plates, tablecloths, etc. this week: *clear out homeschool cubbies & take out wishful thinking curric that we're not actually doing go through boys' clothes and cull for outgrown stuff purge toy sideboard help boys make more gifts *decide about new viola case hair cut? *1/2 done send bills for winter term

We met our daughter in Wuhan, China this fall. It was a fascinating city. Huge, bustling, traditional, modern, poor, rich. Over 10 million people live there. The rivers the meet there are the Han and the Yangtze. Both rivers are also full of interesting histories including the damming of the Yangtze and the current deadly pollution of the waters. You could go a lot of directions with that. Another idea might be to look into sister cities who have two rivers. Sometimes they'll send trinkets or information back and forth for school kids. Perhaps your city hall might have some info there.

school swimming laundry this week: clear out homeschool cubbies & take out wishful thinking curric that we're not actually doing go through boys' clothes and cull for outgrown stuff purge toy sideboard help boys make more gifts *decide about new viola case hair cut? *1/2 done send bills for winter term