Catherine
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Posts posted by Catherine
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"Why can't we talk about something more pleasant"
It isn't about dementia specifically, but it is about one woman's journey with her parents as they aged and died. It is a graphic novel, because she is an illustrator by trade. It was...challenging to read and very, very good.
I strongly, strongly suggest you give it in paper form, not ebook. It does NOT translate well into kindle or other electronic format. I know, I read it that way and it is a testament to the power of the story that I persevered even though it was a very difficult reading experience.
There is some time when the parents are in a home, some time with their adult daughter, sometime in a home near their daughter, it changes.
It's not exactly what you are looking for, but it is a powerful book, it was a National book award finalist, and it is about caring for aging parents. And because it is a graphic novel, it looks like a quick read, something you can just breeze through quickly. But if you just give it a chance it really grabs you, and I am not a graphic novel reader.
I loved this book SO MUCH. I've always loved Roz Chast and her humor, but this book is a wry and poignant look at the aging of her quirky parents, and about how she coped with their final illnesses.
My dh gave it to me when my parents, 78 and 79, were severely injured in a car accident and spent weeks in the hospital, teetering on the brink of death. They both survived, ultimately, and are home. But the book touched me and was relevant. I loved it.
It could be helpful in your situation, OP, if your intended audience has a good sense of humor and an appreciation of the need for laughter even when things are very difficult.
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Ted Bundy often lured his victims by pretending to have a breakdown.
And the Samaritan was a man.
Just saying'. I don't think you did the wrong thing-not at all.
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Obviously people have always been having children. But it seems like the notion of "parenting" as an endeavour, a calling, a philosophy etc, is kind of new.
Am I wrong?
It seems like generations past had kids, tried to keep them alive, taught them stuff etc but didn't think much about it.
I haven't read a single response. but my immediate response is that it became a "thing" about a hundred years ago, when youth culture became a thing. That's when the culture that did a lot of jobs for us parents changed and became led by youth culture. With that change came the "reinvention" of culture with every generation.
I recommended "Hold Onto Your Kids" by Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld if you haven't read it. This book really helped me to grasp the role culture plays, and the role parents play as agents of that culture, in raising kids. When our culture does not help us by providing a structure that protects children and family bonds, we parents are left as the "inventors" of a family culture that does those jobs. Fighting the tide, and doing that job, is extraordinarily difficult.
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I know this feeling so well. I see a lot of sick and injured people who make me think of my own kids.
I also lost a BIL to a motorcycle accident, 11 years ago as of last Friday. He was in Florida, the land of libertarians who do not believe in helmet laws. And his accident was completely the fault of the driver of the car. He left behind 3 kids, 15, 12, and 7. So-also not a fan.
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Chocolate mint chocolate chip cookies. I bought a mint plant specifically for these cookies.
Recipe please?
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"From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs."
I know Karl Marx used this phrase, this but I think that it makes some sense, when dealing with kids' needs, especially in terms of education. What if one child chooses a state school (cheap) and another a private one? Unless resources are severely strained, it doesn't always make sense to divide by the dollar. Plus the fact is, at least in my family, some children's needs are much much greater.
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"From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs."
I know Karl Marx used this phrase, this but I think that it makes some sense, when dealing with kids' needs, especially in terms of education. What if one child chooses a state school (cheap) and another a private one? Unless resources are severely strained, it doesn't always make sense to divide by the dollar. Plus the fact is, at least in my family, some children's needs are much much greater.
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I have so much body shame that I've never been able to muster a bikini, even when I was young and not bad looking, body-wise. I can still hear my mother mocking and shaming women at the beach over their "ugly" bodies in bikinis. That kind of corrosive meanness is so poisonous. Please, if you even have these thoughts yourself, anyone, don't say it in front of your daughters.
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Thank you everyone. I am now well and truly scared. I have to go through my family MD. I will try to get in this week. 😕
His week.
Honestly, you are risking permanent nerve damage. I think you should go to the emergency room.
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Chiropractor. And it will probably take many adjustments to complete the correction.
An MD can prescribe drugs and x-rays and surgery. A good chiropractor will take x-rays first to be sure what he's dealing with, and then he will adjust your back--no surgery, no pain drugs necessary.
I disagree. Leg weakness is not a problem that a chiropractor can competently manage. X-rays cannot see everything. OP, you need to see a conventional doctor, immediately. If it turns out he cannot help you, then seek alternative care.
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I agree that connecting rape with "hookups" misses the point. One point I heard made about the Stanford case is that the judge apparently thought the perpetrator would not reoffend, and that is partly what motivated him to be lenient in his sentencing. But IMO that is very likely not true. The work of David Lisak is revealing of this truth: the numbers of reported rapes, and the numbers of admitted (anonymously) rapists, are greatly different, and he found that this is because almost all rapists are multiple repeat offenders:
http://www.davidlisak.com/wp-content/uploads/pdf/RepeatRapeinUndetectedRapists.pdf
So IMO The perpetrator at Stanford is very likely to be a repeat offender. That is what the data suggests. And the idea that he, or any of the other college rapists who have, in recent years, evaded prosecution or been convicted, were simply kids who lacked good judgement, is probably not very likely.
OTOH, the physiology of alcohol metabolism is such that people who are drunk enough to not remember what they've done (are, by definition "blacking out") may not be unconscious. They can still be conscious, though in all likelihood they may be pretty drunk. So I can imagine a scenario in which a young man and woman make a plan to hook up, get sufficiently drunk that she is "blacked out", proceed with their plan, then discover the following day that she does not remember the event and feels violated. That kind of thing is possible. It's why I am drilling into my 3 sons the critical importance of not just consent, but of just NOT going there if their partner is drunk. Consent or not. Sex when really drunk is not great anyway! Wait until you are sober and it will be much more fun! That is my mantra.
I graduated from college in 1986. There was plenty of binge drinking and casual sex. I can't compare to now because I'm not a college student now.
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I used a carrier for this purpose, up to about the age of 4. Beyond that, it was just vigilance...and it was exhausting...I can honestly say that I have had flashbacks about one of my children and his climbing and scary tactics in public places. I used to dread outings with him.
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How would I ever find that out?
I think it would be perfectly fine for you to contact the admissions office and ask. I can't imagine that the school hasn't fielded similar questions before. You can simply explain your situation and ask about the experience of white students at their historically black school.
Also-check College Confidential. There must be a thread there.
You are not racist. Well-scratch that. All of us have implicit bias that we do not consciously control. But you are definitely doing the right thing to try to find a comfortable situation for you daughter.
Let me also just point out that your instincts are probably right-some kids navigate a social situation like being a racial minority without difficulty, some can't manage it. I have two kids who've attended public schools in which they were racial minorities. One was flummoxed, the other has been fine. I think having the social skills to handle this situation is not universal amongst young adults.
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I just finished listening to The Remains of the Day with my freshly-minted college graduate and we both really liked it. It was sad though! Now I'd like to explore more of Ishiguro's writing. Any recommendations?
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What I don't get is that for a person in his condition a weekly visit seems terribly inadequate.
If for whatever reason you can't take him home this weekend, I'd suggest insisting he has a daily health visitor.
My living at home alone MIL who is still very with it (able to walk and take a taxi places on her own) has a nurse coming 2 x day (morning and evening) and when she was immediately post surgery she had an additional late afternoon nurse. Each visit is 30 min & they assist with any bathing, dressing, personal care, make sure she's eating & make sure meds are being taken.
I could always be mistaken, but it's more likely that what your MIL has is a home health aid, not a nurse. Nurses don't do the kind of work you describe, and insurance companies most certainly don't pay for that. Even the very best cadillac plans don't.
Thank goodness for the welfare state. My parents in NY state get a HHA for 4 hours weekly, for EACH of them, paid for by the state. It's a program to keep the poor elderly out of nursing homes. This woman walks on water as far as I'm concerned.
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We're here until Sunday and hope to take him back with us.
Can we really take him against his will, though? That's my concern. Technically he is still able to make his own decisions. Almost everything that is going to hell is because he PHYSICALLY isn't capable... but mentally, he's considered competent and DH is worried that, at the end of the day, we won't be able to force him to leave.
If there is going to be a big stumbling block for you, it's this. I do think that he capability to actually summon the police and stop you might be limited, but if he is mentally competent (to "has capacity" in medical lingo-and it sounds like he is from your description), forcing him to go with you might prove extremely difficult. So I think using the relationship tools that you have at your disposal is wise, like enlisting his help. Can you frame it as a temporary visit?
I also think that some deception may be needed, difficult as that is. He sounds anxious and depressed, and it's quite possible that if he'd agree to any treatment for those issues, he would be more cooperative and sensible, but antidepressants take time to work. Fortunately, anti-anxiety meds, I'm thinking valium, work immediately, and if he'd be willing, a small dose for a few days might make the transition less upsetting for him.
I would caution you though, that if he's medicated the risks of a fall are much higher-someone would have to very closely supervise him to prevent this. But it might be preferable to an ugly scene or kidnapping-style move. It would ease his distress.
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I haven't read all of the responses, but I have a couple of recent experiences to compare:
1. My FIL: died in a hospital and cremated. Several weeks later, family from across the USA gathered in his home town to have a memorial, which was basically a picnic\party, no formal or planned structure. We ate, talked about him, shared memories, people individually got up to share their thoughts. Later that day, his 2 remaining children and their families took his ashes to the Gulf of Mexico and scattered them. It was a beautiful day and we all have wonderful memories of it.
2. My aunt's mother, 101 years old, died and went with the local funeral home. The director did not know her or the family. His "eulogy" was so meaningless and generic, plus contained wrong information that he must have gotten mixed up about. I was furious. This was a woman who lived for a century, had 2 great great grandchildren, lost a son in a war, had a very active, interesting and vigorous life. Plus this "service" cost a small fortune compared to what we did for my FIL, and was far less intimate and warm.
In doing some googling I ran across this article about the trend away from funeral homes:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/25/home-funerals-death-mortician_n_2534934.html
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Funny enough there are several titles by different authors called Unbroken. Which author do you mean?
And I LOVED the Glass Castle!
Alley
The Unbroken I am referring to is the biography of Louis Zamperini.
I have 2 more: My Beloved World, Sonia Sotomayor's autobiography, mostly focusing on her life before becoming a judge, with only a little about her life as a lawyer in a private firm and assistant DA. I listened to the recorded book, read by Rita Moreno, and just loved it. Because I am a doctor, the story of her type 1 diabetes and how it, and her relationship with a family doctor, shaped her life, were especially moving for me to read.
I also read Personal History, Katharine Graham's autobiography. Rather long (almost 700 pages) but engrossing story that covers her childhood of fabulous wealth and privilege, family background, her marriage to a charismatic man who tragically committed suicide, then her decision to succeed him as publisher of the Washington Post in the 1960's. It was especially interesting to read about the Post's decision to publish the Pentagon Papers, the story of the Watergate investigation, how she dealt with a huge strike, and her experience as a woman managing a media empire, making it up as she went along.
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Haven't posted in awhile but I have to update about some really good books : )
Personal History by Katherine Graham, former publisher of the Washington Post, was fascinating. She was a pioneer, the first woman in the Fortune 500 (and the only, for many years), and saw the post through publishing the Pentagon Papers, through Watergate, and through a huge, potentially devastating pressmen's strike. I was particularly interested because I once met her, very late in her life, and very briefly!
The listened to Sonia Sotomayor's memoir, (on a memoir\biography kick apparently), My Beloved World. I was so captivated by her repeated success at figuring out how to succeed, like when, as a fifth grader, she decided she wanted to be a better student, so befriended the best student in her class and asked her how. And learned! She did this many times-the definition of resilience-growth from failures. What an interesting life she has had.
Also reading Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything-I put it down 4 years ago and now picked it up again. He's so funny and engaging.
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We have a "catio" of sorts, a large screened porch that is completely enclosed. He has no interest in going out there-I've tried several times. He is a killer, this one. He's gotten gray squirrels, rats, and of course many many mice, moles, voles, snakes, etc. But he is a total pussycat when he's inside, IF he has been allowed his outdoor freedom. Right now, he's been confined indoors for 5 weeks and his desire to go out is not abating; his behavior seems almost like he is grieving. I thought it would be better by now.
I have not called the vet-good suggestion. It seems obvious! Pills will be nearly impossible for this very strong-willed cat, but maybe there is liquid OR maybe a pill giving method I don't know about yet.
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Please tell me about your experiences with Feliway plug ins. Our cat can no longer go outside (he has feline AIDS) and he is absolutely nuts: roaming, crying for hours, pawing frantically at the windows and doors, and spraying all over the house. It's been 5 weeks of this with no sign of relief. But looking at the Amazon reviews, I'm not sure it's worth the investment.
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As for the "being cool" part: I do not really believe it is "cool" to be homosexual or - even more so - transgendered. Making yourself a target of taunts, ridicule and violence to appear "cool"? I don't think so.
Being "cool" isn't exactly how I'd describe it, based on the increasing number of kids who are coming out of the closet, including some I know very well. It's more of a youth culture trend, one that feels right to many kids who are already outsiders in some way. Particularly, kids or young adults who are aspie or autistic, who already have trouble enough establishing a stable sense of identity, identify in vastly higher percentages (5-10 fold higher than neurotypical kids) as sexual or gender minorities.
I think it is dismissive to consider it a "phase" but I do think it may be a steppingstone to establishing a mature adult understanding of one's own identity, for some kids. It's no doubt a stage kids have always been through, but these days, there is much less reason to hide it than there has been in the past.
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I wonder why it's considered a negative to have a c-section?
I will forever be SO grateful for mine. My baby was healthy, I am alive, my body is undamaged...a total win all around. Sure it was a surprise, but a negative? Not at all. Just one more of those mommy war insinuations that having one (like having only one child) somehow doesn't make you are "real" mother. I'll insert my vomit emoticon here.
And if, somehow, that isn't the underlying point of this discussion, I really do wonder is.
I would encourage you not to take this discussion personally. A serious national conversation about the gross overuse of surgical delivery is long overdue. For the vast majority of mothers who give birth surgically and are absolutely fine, and grateful for their safely delivered baby, there is no problem. The problem is societal and cultural, not personal.
It's not fiction that surgical childbirth is riskier, more painful, and more expensive than vaginal birth. For women who actually require a c-section, doctors and hospitals should do every possible thing to minimize the risks and the expense. But the risk to ALL mothers and the expenses would be reduced far more effectively by reducing the overall numbers of surgeries. And there is compelling evidence that surgical birth is greatly overused.
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I'm so glad you got this news JFS!! I *hope* the wheezing and intermittent symptoms improve with time and fade-I think that's possible.
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If you were a man turning 81, what would you like for your birthday?
in The Chat Board
Posted
That's my whole question, right there! I am out of ideas.
My dad is retired, has mild dementia (so books won't work-magazines, yes, though he already gets many).