Sheesh, now I know why so many posters ask folk to "be nice"! Thank you, Tibbie, for your insights and sensitivity. You nailed it - life was a mess (lost both parents, only sibling, FIL, pregnancy [3rd mc] in close succession *among other things*). I didn't give enough information, I see.
The Cards is a metaphor for the Assumptions I held before all h@ck broke loose. Like God is good, and gives a d@rn, and exists! I'm married to a PhD in theology, so this alone was a Big Deal. And when that question arose many more seemingly a priori Truths of the Universe were less ... obvious. Like is organic really all that better? Truly? Weren't disposables just as good as cloth? :D
My oldest was then about 8 and would slip off to the computer/TV/anything other than school every time my back was turned, and his little brother was 5 and didn't know his ABCs because I hadn't had time to teach him with chasing after a toddler and tracking down the Invisible Student. This plus all the pain (I lost 50lbs without dieting!) was ... there are no words.
In short, I needed to figure out who I was *apart* from my role of mother, and decide my own beliefs/values apart from my culture of origin. I earned my Masters, started planning for a doctorate, and then WHAMO, preggers. And amazingly, I didn't mc. And now I have the most beautiful little complication ever. But she's made me slow down to revisit some of those Big Questions that I'd not wanted to think about. One is the whole Mother role and - back to the "card" analogy - I can't throw that card away, but I CAN re-shape it (i.e., my ideas of "woman" and "mother" aren't what they were before all the turmoil). I'm realizing I don't want to look back on life and think, "Wow, I have a nice career going, but my children are strangers." My little bug grows faster than I can keep up with, and every moment is a delight I wish I could hold on to forever. Is this a bad reason for wanting to bring them back home? Not that it's the only reason, mind you. Hubby and I value education Hugely (which should be perty dern obvious).
BTW now that the oldest is 11 and the second is 8, I see the same irksome traits in the 8-year-old. Had I known it was a STAGE and would have PASSED maybe I would have stuck with it, but at the time I had no one to tell me. My 11yr old is delightful. Although he no longer eats only organic. We go to *gasp* McDs after school every Friday for McFlurries! And thank god he does NOT wear cloth diapers (though the baby does). :lol: