That's so very true, Mergath. I don't feel like it's *fair* for me to mourn a loss that is my own fault.It's kind of like I tell myself, "Well you did it to YOURSELF. You don't deserve to ever "get over it".

What does that *look* like though? When I ask myself "Do I feel grief or guilt?", I honestly don't know what the answer is. I've never thought about it that way. I guess it really is more grief than guilt. Grief for the loss. But I do still feel guilty for what I did. The guilt would be because a precious soul who SHOULD be here with my family is not. Oh Lord forgive me. And the pain of that loss only grew stronger after having my boys. Perhaps the pain of that loss, the guilt, is just a natural consequence of the sinful decision. The Lord never promises to remove the pain of poor choices when he forgives the sin, does he.

This is good advice; I appreciate your perspective. I do have one girlfriend who I know has been through the same thing. And of course I don't think less of her or look down on her for it. Somehow it's easier to forgive others than myself I guess.

Heather, my dh and I *just* studied that scripture together the other day. I never really thought about it in terms of the emotion itself not being sin; rather, I've always concentrated on the "and sin not" aspect. Thank you for pointing that out. And I appreciate you thinking of me.

Oh Jean, I will pray for sure. The bolded is a very good thing to hear. Do update us when you can. :grouphug:

Let me preface this by saying I DO believe all sin is equal in the eyes of the Lord. However in my life experience, some sins are easier to forgive *yourself* for than others. Six days from now, February 13, it will be 12 years since I made a horrific, life-changing, awful decision. I am STILL so ashamed of the grievous nature of that sin that I can't even bring myself to say what it was. I was not saved at the time. I *know* that since I am saved and have repented of my sin, that it is covered in the blood of Jesus. I know He forgives me. I know he keeps no record of my wrong; that He does not see my sin when he looks at me. But this particular sinful decision I made has left me with a permanent loss. It is/was an irreversible, permanent thing. I feel the pain and loss of that decision just as strongly today as ever. (I realize at this point, many may have an idea of what I did. I'm just so terribly ashamed, I can't bring myself to type the word.) My question is, I know I am supposed to forgive myself since the Lord has forgiven me. But what does that LOOK like? What does that FEEL like, to forgive yourself of something so egregious? It's like the sin has left a scar on my heart that will never go away. Is it WRONG that I still feel guilt and sadness over it? Because if it is, then I feel guilty for that, too. I'm not walking around in a depression over it. And it's not as if I dwell on it every day. But certain situations bring it to mind, and I still do cry about it sometimes. This time of year is always hard for me because of it being the 'anniversary' of the event. I mourn not only the fact that I sinned so terribly, but I also very acutely feel the loss that is a result of that sin. If you have any advice about what forgiving myself looks or feels like, I'd appreciate your insight. And if you feel led to pray for me over the next week or so, I could specifically use prayer for peace and to feel the Lord's comfort right now.

I would think it'd be just fine. I wouldn't even worry about refrigerating it tonight. Just make sure it's covered well/in a container, then frost it tomorrow not long before delivering it.

They figured out that it was one of his heart medications that was causing his elevated liver enzymes (and therefore jaundice and abdominal bloating). They just discontinued the medication yesterday, and his enzymes are already down some. His pulmonologist started some new treatments to help dad breathe better and therefore hopefully help clear the fluid that is on his lungs. AND, the nursing home is ready to take dad as soon as his insurance approves it. I saw dad yesterday, and he seemed to be in better spirits. Still kinda 'out of it' because of his pain meds, but at least he didn't seem confused. He knew who I was this time. :p So praise Jesus for small blessings!

I've always gotten my boy's robes at the thrift store. Zee has a blue fleece one from the thrift store right now, and he's a size 10.

Oh praise Jesus! Oh I'm SO glad to hear this. The whole situation has really affected me. I couldn't help but feel awful for the boy and his parents. I just kept thinking, "What if that were *my* child?" I'm so glad the boy is safe now, and I hope he and his family get all the help they will surely need to recover. May God comfort the grieving family of that hero bus driver as well.

I'm not very good at this; calming myself when I'm stressed. And I've had a lot of stress lately. Sometimes cleaning helps. And praying. But mostly I just let the stress eat at me. It gets my stomach upset. Oh, spending time with my boys, just cuddling or playing, helps sometimes.

I just explained that I don't think it's safe to send dad home by himself, and that he needs to be in a nursing home. I got the contact info from mom, because I emailed her and told her I wanted it, and why I wanted it. She agrees dad would be better off in a nursing home, but she "feels her hands are tied". I have no idea what that means. Anyway, the social worker is looking into possibilities and getting back to us. It's hard to explain, but I have to tread carefully around my mother. I can only push so far, you know? I have to frame everything as thought I'm trying to do it to help *her*. If she felt I was suggesting she's not doing enough or whatever, then she'd just stop giving me information. So It's a crazy-inducing dance I lead these days. I know dad won't want to be in a nursing home. But really, it's the only safe option for him right now.

It's just too much. Dad threw up again last night, and they wanted to discharge him anyway. They don't know why he has intermittent vomiting. Dad has been confused a lot during this hospital stay. I found out from my mom tonight that dad's not actually taking anything for his diabetes. He needs a more permanent catheter for his dialysis, but he doesn't want to get it. They're discharging him tomorrow with no explanation as to why he's confused or vomiting. He's going to be home alone all day while mom's at work. And from what mom sounded like on the phone tonight, she's pretty much checked out of the situation. I'm a mess. I don't know how to help my dad anymore, and I'm just a freaking mess.

Dad is still vomiting. It's been 8 days now, at least. GI doc wants to scope him. I'm suspicious of some of his meds possibly causing it, one in particular. Any doctors or nurses willing to pm me about it, I'd be grateful. (Diane? Kalanamak? Nakia?)

Thank you ladies.

tonight I'm finding it especially hard to leave it all at to Him.

Good idea about researching his meds. I think I know everything he's on, but I'll get a list together and verify it with mom. If nothing else, it'll give me something to *do*. And my mother has never babysat my children. Ever. And she never will. She enjoys my boys, and is kind to them. However, the treatment I endured at her hands as a child prevents me from ever leaving my children alone with her. I just could never bring myself to do it. I realize she is a very different grandparent than she was parent. But, well, let's just say that *any* person who is capable of treating children the way my sisters and I were treated when we were young is not going to ever be left alone with my children. Period.

I know you're right. I just wish one of his doctors would have the guts to actually tell us 'Look. We can't fix him. He's not going to get better". I think we NEED to hear a doctor tell us this right now, so that we can all accept it. But even when he was on life support for three weeks and they were giving us a 5% chance he'd survive, the doctor STILL told us 'If it were my dad, I'd keep treating him'. So, maybe doctors just never tell people that? I don't know. Do doctors EVER actually come out and advise patients/their families to consider hospice, or is that something that the patients/their families have to come to on their own?

I'm really trying to hang in there. But today, right now, I'm just not. I'm a mess on the inside. I have no choice but to hold it together because I'm home alone with my boys. But I don't think I can do this anymore. On the other hand, I have no CHOICE but to continue doing this. Whatever it even is I'm doing anymore. Like I said, I'm a mess. That's what I read. Thing is, they don't know if he's vomitting because of the ketones, or the ketones are because of the vomitting. He's also not having bm's, which is making them look at his gi tract. Basically, no one knows anything, his doctors are useless, and they'll just get him "well enough" to get out of the hospital. It's absurd. They run all these tests and still can't ever tell us anything. It's like all they want is him to go home; to discharge him. They don't want him to actually be RECOVERED, just not quite sick enough to be in the hospital. Which is why he keeps ending up BACK in the hospital.

At 7? Isn't that rather early for puberty to start? My son is 7, and is not even almost sort of kinda anywhere NEAR the vicinity of even the first beginning hints of puberty.

Mom said they gave him meds for nausea. He's going for a chest/abdominal xray. And now the doc hears a heart murmur. I'm sure his blood sugar is totally out of whack, seeing as he can't keep any food down. Mom also said he appears to have lost his will to fight. I can't go right now. Dh's at work and I have the boys. And I won't take them to see their grandpa like this. Mom says she'll keep me updated. If it looks like I really need to go, dh *can* come home or I have plenty of options for emergency child care.

His abdominal xray showed no blockage, so they don't know why his bowels aren't moving or why he's vomiting. He has pneumonia. His WBC's are elevated AGAIN. Infectious disease thought it was his dialysis perma cath causing the infection last week, so they pulled that and gave him a new one. No one can figure out why dad's WBC's go back up as soon as they take him off the heavy duty iv antibiotics.

We had some at the inlaws last night, and dh is hooked. Anyone gat a tried and true recipe?

Ladies, for some reason, it really *does* help to know that others have walked this path before me. That there are those who know exactly what I'm going through. It makes me feel less... crazy? I kinda wish everyone (by which I mean mom, dad, and my older sister) were ready for hospice. But they're not. So long as dad's willing to keep up with all the treatments and doctor's appointments, that's his decision, and I'll support him. And while I'd do ANYTHING to have dad live with me, it's just never going to happen. My mom would never allow it, because it would look bad. And if there's ONE thing that matters to my mom, it's appearances. And my dad won't do anything that upsets mom. He does always have the option of refusing dialysis, and we know that would be a peaceful way for him to go. I just don't think he's at that point. It's so confusing. Because each specialist, nurse, doctor, etc keep acting like' Well, you know, we just need to give him this treatment/this test/this medication etc, and control this issue/this emergency, and then he can recover! See! Everything will be fine!" And all I see is dad continuing to decline. He's NOT GETTING BETTER. I just want to scream that at someone sometimes. I mean for crying out loud people, LOOK AT HIM!! He's emaciated. He's doesn't even have the energy to SIT UP. He can't keep food down, he's in constant pain, and he's miserable. He's NOT getting better. I just can't do this. I mean, I realize I don't have a choice. But I feel like I spend all week longing to go see dad, but then once I'm with him, it's almost like I'm watching some sort of live horror show nightmare thing. And it's all I can do to hold it together on the hour long car ride home so that I don't fall apart in front of my boys. How do I tell dad that it's ok if he wants to give up and die? Is that even something I SAY? How do I know when he needs to hear that, versus when that would be NOT a helpful thing to say? It's so confusing. I need dad to know how much I love him. I mean, I tell him all the time. But I still feel like I fall short. Like I haven't adequately conveyed just how much he means to me. But I do have one small blessing the Lord gave me a few weeks ago. I have a real desire to get my nursing degree once the boys are older. I don't know if the Lord has it in our future or not, but it's something I'd be so very grateful to be able to do; be a nurse. But the Lord spoke to me the other day while I was praying. He told me that I was missing it; I get to be dad's nurse right now. I get to help him physically, give him love, support him spiritually. I am getting to nurse him right now. It just really helped my heart at that moment.

He's so. I don't know. He's dying. But slowly, painfully, tragically. I spent the morning with him. He couldn't keep food down. He kept vomitting. He's home now, but he looks so.... What's the word? He looks like death. I don't know how else to put it. He's lost his spark. He told me today, during a quiet moment between us, that he's just tired of being sick. It's so crazy. I can't bear to be away from him, but when I'm with him, it tears me up so see him the way he is. I don't know why I'm posting, I just feel lost. I don't want to lose my dad by dragging it out all horrible like. But then, I don't want to lose him at *all*.