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abba12

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Everything posted by abba12

  1. Because she knows she is this boys last shot at a normal life. Sending him back will destroy any chance he has of a successful placement again, and this is likely the only chance he will have at the testing he needs. He's been in the system for 5 years with nothing done. She's still doing this because it's not as simple as returning him like a defective product, she knows what she would be sending him back to, and what the odds would be for him if this placement fails before he can get some paperwork in place. I cannot believe the callousness in this thread. Absolutely can't. I acknowledged above that maybe this boy is beyond the point of being saved, and that she needs to protect herself and the kids and especially the twins if this is the case. But let's not discount this boy from the equation! Just drop him off at CPS like dropping a dog at the pound? People here convinced through very small anecdotes (relating to a system in a country that isn't even their own!) that they know what is best for the family and acting like Melissa is stupid for not just returning him now? Just send him off and move on with life as if you haven't just doomed a boy to more abuse and neglect? Or does he deserve it for being so traumatised? Of course Melissa is struggling with this decision, anyone who doesn't is heartless and selfish. Most of us would run into a burning building for our biological child and die saving them. Why does this boy deserve any less? I've already agreed Melissa cannot sacrifice her whole family for the boy, I'm not advocating she run into the burning building for him. But this decision is heartbreaking. If it wasn't, she would be a horrible foster parent. The fact this hurts, and is so hard, and she's pushing beyond 'logical' limits is what makes her amazing. And callous, harsh comments that he should just be sent back and forgotten about don't help anything. I said it in the last post and i'll say it again. Our society pays lip service to supporting abuse victims, but only the scared, broken ones, not the angry and disturbed ones. As a fellow angry and disturbed abuse victim, who the system ignored because I was also too difficult to deserve help, I feel so much sympathy for this boy. If he was scared and in a corner crying there would be an outpouring of concern and love for him. But because he's angry and disturbed, suddenly he has no emotions and his future, his chances at life, don't factor into the decisions at all? No way. It does sound like a permanent placement is out of the question here, and that's ok Melissa. Anything you can give him is more than the system has given him in 5 years. The system is being unfair and ridiculous with you, it's awful and exactly why I could never foster despite my heart for it. But this isn't about them, it's about you and it's about that little boy. As a fellow abuse victim, THANK YOU for what you're doing, and for fighting for the paperwork and assessments that might give him any chance in the future. From the very vague picture you've painted, it sounds to me like he is beyond in-home help already, right now he cannot be saved and it's unlikely he will ever get a successful in-home placement. But every week you have him is a week that will impact him and that effect may not be seen now, or in a year or in 5 years, but I guarantee once he hits rock bottom and begins to climb out it will make a difference, and every bit of help you put in place here will make a difference down the track. You can't help his immediate future, but you're making a difference to his long term future. Most people would never consider doing what you are doing, believe me, I know. But those few precious people who will make all the difference for people like us.
  2. If that refers to what I think it does... I'm so, so sorry.... :grouphug:
  3. I'm so concerned for you... If there's anything us Aussie boardies can do, please say so. I wish we weren't all so far away. I'm not as quick to say put him back in the system, I gave my thoughts on that in the last thread. But you also cannot sacrifice the rest of the family and you cannot sacrifice the progress you've made with the twins for this boy either. As absolutely heartbreaking as it is to say.... he might be too far gone to save in this way. He's nearing the age where it's very hard to get through to a hurt child. Younger kids are still developing their thoughts, older kids can listen, they have a chance, but he's at the wrong age and... it's possible he's beyond the sort of help a foster family can give, and that's heart breaking and wrong, but it's not your fault. Don't let caseworker guilt you, they know what an amazing foster mother you are, you amazed them all with the twins, they never expected that progress! They KNOW it's not you. But if he's too hard for you to handle, he's beyond the scope of most other foster parents and they realise that, they have nowhere else to put him. That's absurd that the info isn't on record for him. It sounds like the psychologist is no help.... I've not have much success with psychologists and trauma, most just don't understand it well enough to be any help at all. I'm so sorry.... but ultimately, if he breaks you down, he harms you, and all your kids including his brothers. The hope of keeping the sibling group together is not worth destroying the progress of the twins. They have a chance at life now, 'spreading the burden' in the hopes new arrival might get better while making them worse helps no-one. You're in my prayers, and please, if there's anything at all us Aussie boardies can do, let us. If I lived closer I'd take them for respite! I assume that's not an option as I am interstate and they're foster kids...
  4. Most bachelors in Australia are three years, and all units except electives relate to the major, no gen ed here, so 7 degrees sounds normal enough to me. I understand the argument for gen ed but I'm sooooo glad its not required here
  5. Learning for the sake of learning, just to know. Why does anything have to be 'done' with the knowledge in order to make it worth learning? I'm studying a degree very part time while homeschooling just to keep my brain active with something meaty and challenging. If I finish this one while I still have kids at home I have every intention of doing a second, and maybe even one day a third, for the same reason, it gives me something heavy to think on and discover. (right now, the way university works here, I don't have to pay). I have no intention of entering the workforce, I'm under no illusions that a disabled woman who has been at home with kids for 20+ years and never held a job in her life (first baby at 19) will be pretty much unemployable even with some sort of qualification. Plus I have other dreams that involve volunteering and community work and grandbabies. So we are making our future plans based on me never working, but I study because I enjoy it, and in my case I can bring those studies into my children's education and maybe one day into my dreams of volunteering and community work.
  6. http://www.news.com.au/finance/work/at-work/missing-comma-costs-business-13-million/news-story/988e5732b9098f6a1b6f55288a24305d Yep, the lack of an oxford comma just cost businesses $13 million dollars. I like their parents example there, I'm going to use that. I remember explicitly being taught not to use an oxford comma in school, clearly. However as an adult I always use one now.
  7. I've really embraced the idea of curriculum being a resource to reach a goal, rather than curriculum being the plan for the year, this year. 6 weeks in (started our school year in February) and it's working so much better than last year. Each day eldest must do some math, but, whether that's khan academy or singapore or a hands on lesson or life of fred or another resource altogether that I thought looked fun doesn't matter. I have let go of the need to do X number of pages of singapore each week. I still use it as our spine, but, if eldest has learned it somewhere else like on khan academy, I will skim the chapter, assign some of the challenge problems, and move on. This past month we haven't opened singapore at all because we hit burnout last year memorising number facts to 10, and facing re-doing those chapters this year because of a lack of fluency was not making eldest happy. So instead we've been using khan plus a few extras and focusing on memorising those facts along with some other topics, and it's working well. When we get back to singapore in a week or two, we will likely spend a week or two doing the challenging questions and selected extra concepts in chapters 2, 3 and 4, and then jump to starting again on chapter 5. (I'll also be skipping the shapes chapter altogether except for the word problems, because she's done the whole early math geometry section on khan, and i think we will be skimming fractions when we get there too). It's been great. It's also given me freedom. If I find a great math project or game, I don't have to try and fit it around our normal lessons, I can just say, hey, lets do this today, and whatever concept it helps teach, when we hit that concept in our book, will go faster and we can skim it later. Spelling and handwriting happen every day, but they're a page each, easy 5 mins. As for other subjects I think I have a good middle ground. I don't define which day what must happen or anything else, but, at some point each week we must do something sciency, and something history related, and some intentional PE, and other things. Using science as an example, quite often these happen on the weekend, a science experiment with daddy or a bushwalk or observing something interesting. If it doesn't, I look for whether there's any opportunities through the week. If there isn't, then I pull out my open and go science resources. I have a subscription through a local coop with open and go science lessons, I have some fun science books, and I also have a number of interests that I can pull up a documentary about and do an impromptu lesson on from my own personal knowledge. So, real experiences take priority but I have resources available and ready to grab to ensure it happens each week even if no life experiences come up. My plan is a set of goals, rather than a list of page numbers. Do math every day, Learn something new in science each week, and then I have a collection of resources to help me achieve that goal and I use the one which makes the most sense to me at the time. Of course I've only been doing this 6 weeks but we're all much happier taking this new perspective.
  8. I don't understand this thread. The teacher at a catholic school is not just teaching math and english, they're teaching the faith and moral instruction, as a part of everything. If this teacher is living with her boyfriend, then either she will be teaching her students something she doesn't believe in (no sex/living together before marriage), or not teaching that aspect of morality and the faith at all. Now that might not be so relevant, it's not exactly a daily classroom discussion, however the lack of belief in one doctrine indicates a further lack of belief in other catholic doctrines core to the schools ideas. The parents are paying a lot of money to have their child at a school taught by people who follow their moral code and beliefs. It doesn't matter if it's what you believe, it's what that school believes and what at least a large portion of the families attending believe. If they wanted someone who doesn't agree with catholic teaching instructing their children, they would send the child to a non-catholic school. If this teacher is not keeping certain basic doctrines of the church, then she is not fit to act as a representative of that church. Whether or not you think that church is correct in it's doctrines, they have the right to choose who represents them and to ensure anyone placed in charge of teaching children about the faith actually upholds the faith themselves. Living with a boyfriend AND lying about it is two pretty good indications this teacher has a questionable faith in catholic doctrines (note I am not questioning her faith in God, but, especially among Catholics, she also needs faith in the catholic doctrines and theology specific to that denomination) There are likely some parents there who would feel the continuation of instruction from someone who does not wholeheartedly agree with church doctrine would be more detrimental to their children than the academic issues of a teacher switch near the end of the year. I would place a religious school teacher on the same level as a sunday school teacher, and if I found out my kids Sunday school teacher was breaching basic church teaching and lying about it I would want her out of that role, yesterday. Not out of the church or anything crazy like that, and plenty of people end up with different interpretations of the faith which she can have and that's fine, but I would want her out of a role teaching my children about a faith she disagrees with or has different (and undisclosed) beliefs about. I want my kids Sunday school teacher to uphold the values and faith of the church, not do the wrong thing and try to hide it. If that teacher believes there's nothing wrong with living with her boyfriend she's completely entitled to that opinion, but she needs to find a job elsewhere, not in charge of the moral instruction of children who's parents are expecting catholic doctrine and a dedicated, wholehearted catholic teaching it. ETA: My husband says, to someone who considers faith more important than academics, this is like firing a teacher after discovering they can't spell and have lied about it. Doesn't mean they can't do English altogether, doesn't mean they're not a great math teacher, but spelling is a core part of the children's instruction, and the parents expect excellent English instruction in all areas, not just the areas the teacher is good at. Reading spelling lessons from a book is a stop-gap, but wont help when it comes time to mark assignments and correct spelling off the cuff. Few people here would object to a teacher being fired for being unable to spell.
  9. I'm glad you can count to 1000 sweetie, but NO MORE COUNTING today.
  10. Totally agree. It's not the act itself which kept me up at night back then, it was the guilt and shame and fear which did. It was the internalised feelings that haunted me and hurt me, not the actual memory of what someone else did. It's different now due to the nature of where the abuse went and how it got more serious, but I remember those first couple of years when it was still just touching and stuff, and with confidence, safety, and freedom from guilt and shame I would have been better. Not perfect, I was still abused, but, better. The more severe kinds of abuse that are more damaging in and of themselves regardless of internalising it (violent rape, multiple attackers, anything where strong fear is an inherent part of the attack) are not going to happen at a sleepaway camp, they just aren't due to the nature of the camp. Those incidents generally (not always but mostly) happen to vulnerable children, often with absent parents and a lot of time alone with other adults. I feel confident in being able to protect my kids from those sorts of things. But the sort of molestation we are talking about here generally doesn't involve serious fear. Some mild fear and confusion and discomfort yes, but there's rarely weapons or pain in these kinds of abuse, and that makes a big difference. When you talk to these victims, what is the big deal made of, what is the pain felt about? Is it 'I feel so hurt by his hand touching me there and how uncomfortable x was' (things focused on the attacker) or is it more often 'i felt so ashamed, and dirty and violated' (things internalised about the victim). in my experience it's usually the latter. No one cries about how attackers hand felt, they cry about how the attackers hand made them feel about themselves. If we can help deal with and combat the feelings about themselves, then in non-violent attacks like being discussed here there really isn't much left to be terribly hurt about. Of course it effects people, it's a bad memory, I don't want to claim it's nothing. But it's also not usually a horrifically traumatic thing if you take the internalised feelings about themselves out of it. I want to define that there is a difference in violent attacks or where fear is a large aspect of the attack. That fear does something different and is traumatic in it's own right regardless of the cause. But a large portion of childhood sexual abuse involves only minor fear and discomfort, not serious fear or pain. Of course incidents involving the latter can't be dealt with simply by not internalising, but not internalising will, in my opinion, still help a lot. Yeah, not politically correct, but, as a past victim myself, I'm treating it as a not huge deal. It may well happen to them one day, in fact with three daughters I pretty much expect it to at least once, and we'll deal with it, and they'll be ok, they'll survive. It's a big deal to tell someone because the other person needs to be stopped, but, kids take on the messages around them. If they're getting the message that this is a massive deal which changes their life, they'll internalise that. You can give hugs and assurance and safety while still keeping your eyes toward moving on and being ok and not letting this change or destroy you. There's a balance.
  11. I think that kids are far more likely to be molested at by a relative, family friend, or somewhere like church than they are at a camp or other alone activity. Most abuse occurs from relatives and family friends or people well known to the family. I could prevent my kids from ever sleeping at a camp or at anyone elses house, just to find they're abused by an uncle or something. I know kids who had protective parents who trusted the wrong people and ended up in exactly this situation, never allowed to do things because of the 'risks' and then abused by a relative. I also come from a history of severe abuse myself, that avoiding summer camp and sleepovers would not have protected me from. So for my family, I don't focus on prevention. Maybe that sounds strange, but I accept that I can't fully protect my kids. Short of isolating them completely, they will be around people, increasingly as they age alone with people, and sometimes the most trustworthy people turn out to be the dangerous ones. Being overprotective about one risk doesn't lessen the others, and only means they miss out on potentially wonderful opportunities. Instead, we focus on coping, escaping, and recovery. We talk about what to do if it ever happened, we pre-empt the guilt and shame feelings by talking about what it means and how it's never their fault, we talk about who to tell and when and how. I try to build them up as people with the confidence and the attitude that I wish i'd had when I was a victim. We hear of the kids broken by sexual abuse, because it is horrific, but there's actually plenty of people out there who have been assaulted and, while it's a bad memory, they aren't as deeply affected by it as others. Not because they bottle it up, but simply because they are confident, they know themselves, and they can deal with it and move on in a healthy way and it doesn't cut them as deeply because they have support systems and because they have a certain personality. So i spend my time worrying about raising those sorts of people, and teaching them what to do if it ever happened, rather than trying to prevent it and possibly leave them vulnerable if abuse came from an unexpected source. YMMV of course. My own abuse history and mental health issues facilitate this sort of conversation easily and make me a very realist type person. Imagining my kids hurt or abused is not the worst thing I can imagine. I've been there and, it's just not. Leaving them without the skills to recover is the worst thing I could possibly imagine for my family after my own experiences. The pain I went through afterwards because of a lack of help, support, skills and knowledge hurt me far, far worse than the actual abuse did.
  12. Whether or not they listen is on them. The bible is pretty clear about telling a brother when they're doing something sinful, and false teaching is a big deal. They may not listen, most don't, but that doesn't matter, I have a responsibility to say something and give them the opportunity to hear biblical advice through me. I've seen one church take note of it, though not very helpfully, when another family left. Most churches don't listen. But it's not about the result, it's about the heart attitude and keeping my own conscience clear. I've done my part and they've chosen their path, and now it's between them and God. You asked about whether people would say anything if it were not a false teaching issue. If it were still an issue that I felt harmed the body of Christ, or pushed people away from God, it would depend on how long I had been in the church and whether it was a 'new' issue or how they'd always been. I spoke up to a long time church that I felt was catering to a single demographic and we felt pushed out of, but I don't go lecturing pastors in churches I've visited a couple of times and then decided not to attend. If it were simply a bad fit, for example different tastes in praise and worship styles, I would likely say something casually just so they know I haven't left for any real reason, I'd let them know that it was a non-issue, and just a different fit, so they didn't get left wondering if I left for a serious reason they didn't know, since I have seen a pastor I was close to become very insecure about that in the past.
  13. I tolerate different beliefs within a church. Quite a wide range honestly. And thankfully people tolerate me, which is nice since some of my beliefs are instantaneously visible (I headcover, and that leads to many assumptions even beyond my covering). As long as they're not directly promoting sin I can overlook a lot. Church can be a diverse community, any which isn't diverse usually has some serious underlying issues at hand. The whole body of Christ thing, if everyone is a hand, how can we walk? If everyone is an eye, how can we listen? Different interpretations of the lesser issues lead to different priorities, ideas, roles and motivations, which can be a great thing. But, teaching anything other than faith in Jesus as a salvation issue is a dealbreaker for me. Directly saying any specific person in the congregation is unsaved is a massive red flag. Having someone directly tell my CHILDREN that my husband and I are unsaved and telling them to rebel against our parental authority and teaching? I admire the self control shown in this thread, because my husband would be liable to throw a punch for that. Absolutely not ever would I allow it. If it was a member who said it I would have serious discussions with the pastor. If it was a LEADER who said it, I wouldn't be back. Let the leadership know why you're leaving. If you're not the only family who does it may let them learn from their mistakes down the road. But, no amount of good in a church is worth that kind of false teaching, or leaders telling your kids you're going to hell.
  14. I'm making a logo for my new business venture. I have a very simplistic, line drawing piece of clipart (from openclipart.org, so entirely open for commercial use). The image has two main colours, green and red, and I want to turn the red lines into slightly-brown orange lines. However the lines do have shading around the edges so it isn't as simple as replacing a single hex code with another. I have a hex code for the colour I'm after, though obviously not individual codes for all the shading. How hard would this be to change? It seems like something which should be automated in a photo program but I don't know exactly how. If it's a 5 minute job with the right program, is anyone willing to alter this for me?
  15. Maybe I missed it, but at a scroll I seem to have missed anyone listing House MD. I LOVE House. I watch it every 2-3 years. I can't wait till the kids are old enough to follow along. My full list... House MD Supernatural Downton Abbey Orange is the New Black (kinda embarrassed to admit that one, lol!) Star Trek - The Next Generation NCIS Stargate SG1 Top Gear Assorted Anime, notably Cardcaptor Sakura (subbed, of course)
  16. We're using the crate system or whatever you want to call it. I have 34 weeks worth of folders for each child (because I am allowing space for field trips and stuff in the other two weeks). However, we school year round, and my focus this year is on doing the next thing and being ok with being imperfect, rather than trying to keep up and then becoming paralyzed with anxiety when we fail, missing days or even a week because we hadn't finished the previous weeks work, or calling a day off because I didn't feel like i could do a perfect day, and half-way wasn't good enough. So, I have 34 weeks of tablework school planned, but excluding the christmas/summer break (southern hemisphere) we have 46 weeks to do it in, and I am also prepared to skip the last 4-6 folders at the end of the year, and just move on to the next books, if need be (most of my main programs finish or hit end-of-year review by week 30). And a week doesn't mean a week, it's just a block of work, so we're halfway through a school week right now but beginning a new folder today. Also, Math is not included in these folders, they are seperate and definitely a 'just keep chipping' subject. Eldest has a half hour of math time, sometimes that will mean doing half a lesson, sometimes it will mean doing three, I don't much care and I don't obsess about it, Eldest is ahead in math slightly, but has begun to slow down, but looking ahead I suspect she will speed back up in a few units time, it all balances out. So I guess you could call it a hybrid, a relaxed schedule that still gives me an end goal but some flexibility in how we get there.
  17. With what has been described, I'm suspecting the parent will have no problem with her kid sitting on the porch for 3 hours and I don't think guilt will be involved. If she was concerned she wouldn't have taken 3 hours to return last time. Turning him away would just end up punishing the kid and i doubt it would change the parent's actions in any way.
  18. I have what is somewhat unofficially being called C-PTSD (the difference is not in the DSM but has been published in medical journals and is being drafted for official inclusion iirc) I have no patience whatsoever for people who claim PTSD or to be 'traumatised' by minor events. None. I would like to hope I'd have given this woman a piece of my mind, but, I probably would have just glared and vented about it to DH. I know it's beginning to be used as a popular laymans term like OCD, and i find it extremely offensive. I'm so sorry for your stillbirth. If it makes you feel any better about the friends and family, even those of us with undeniably severe traumatic circumstances still get that crap. It's not actually that they discredit your experience, more that people are afraid of mental illness and PTSD still has this 'it only happens to other people' sense to it, it's something people talk about but they'll deny seeing it in anyone they're close to, it only happens to strangers and weird acquaintances. People want to deny it because they are afraid of it and don't understand it. Rape victims are compared to other victims who didn't develop PTSD and told they should cope better. About the only group that gets acceptance from the general public are those who have seen combat, but, they do not get acceptance from the military or other soldiers so far as I've heard. My case is severe and prolonged childhood trauma amounting to torture, including trafficking and serious sexual abuse, complete with lifelong physical health issues as a result. Even with such an obviously traumatic story, everyone feels the need to tell me about this person they know who had crappy parents and who is now successful in spite of them, with the expectation I should be able to do the same. Everyone gives me the speech about having to make my own life now I am an adult, and especially the bit about making my own decisions separate from my childhood and taking responsibility for my own actions instead of blaming my childhood. It was really hard for them to do things their parents wouldn't have agreed with as adults, but they did it, and so should I (because yeah, that's totally the issue here). I've been genuinely asked by two people who have seen me have full blown hallucinations and become paralysed from conversion disorder symptoms why I can't just 'get over it' because I'm free now. I've been told by another that I just need to never ever let myself think about it again, otherwise I am just giving them power. and I've had people try to rationalise my experience as 'not that bad' by comparing it to the few extreme cases that have gotten mass media attention over the years (I'm not comparing, but I brought this up with a psychologist once and she said there was an argument to say my experience was worse. But, mine wasn't sensationalised and dramatised by the media, it was never seen at all, so comparing me matter-of-factly stating my story to dr phil unpacking someone elses story complete with pictures and emotional witnesses, mine just doesn't feel as real to them). Oh and lets not forget the focus on the use of the term PTSD for minor single-incident trauma which can be recovered from has distorted peoples perceptions, and I have been told I definitely don't have it because PTSD is a short term condition people recover from in a few months, a year at most. When i tell them I've had PTSD for 10 years now, and that I've been told by medical professionals that full recovery is probably impossible for me, all I can do is improve, they begin arguing with me that I just have a bad doctor because this news article and that sexual assault victim said PTSD was quickly curable with help so I just need to go find different help, and I mustn't actually have PTSD because it's been there too long. They say, don't you know that PTSD is not a chronic condition, it's a curable disease. Yes, it is curable for some, quite quickly for many of the 'less severe' victims such as single incident sexual abuse (not belittling, but on the grand scale those cases of PTSD are 'minor', so far as something horrific goes, and often in those cases it does only last at PTSD levels for a few months before people begin to recover.) But it's definitely chronic for many, and lifelong for a few of us. Anyway, this isn't a feel sorry for me post, I'm not looking for sympathy, I've come to accept others will never understand or care and I'm happy with who I am, knowing that full recovery is not possible, I embrace who I am,. flashbacks, trauma and all. But I say all this just to illustrate, I doubt your family and friends are discounting your specific experience of a traumatic stillbirth, but rather, they're reacting the same way people always react to PTSD, as some terrible thing which happens to strangers but couldn't possibly happen to someone they care about, and that they will deny and rationalise at all costs rather than accept. It's not you, and your situation was absolutely 'severe enough'. But, even people on the extreme ends of severe get the same denial and questioning and clueless reaction. You aren't alone. I hope you're making progress toward recovery, don't let others trip that up by denying your experience.
  19. I'm more ok with the birthday thing because I know I, and my friends, will never be able to afford one of those super expensive event birthdays but sometimes it is nice to do more than a cake at home. I've both done it and been invited by fellow low-income friends. But it's all about how you word it. There's a difference between 'We're having a birthday party at ice skating rink! $20 to attend' written on a birthday invite, and calling a friend to say 'child is going ice skating for their birthday this year, and thought it would be fun to see if anyone else wants to come on the same day'. There's a difference between 'child can't have a party so bring $5 if you want pizza at youth' and 'we're having a pizza party at youth tonight in honour of so-and-so's birthday, can everyone bring $5 to contribute to the youth funds, can't wait to see you!' The latter was actually a regular occurrence at my teen youth group, we did pizza parties every few months, always a bring $5 situation, and some of the hungrier boys were directly asked to bring $10 lol! All in good humour, it was phrased as a youth group event in honour of X, not an X event invading youth group and potentially excluding people. The youth leaders knew which kids genuinely couldn't bring $5 for pizza and those kids always ate anyway.
  20. Alright, my DH NEEDS to know how you learned this
  21. If I'm paying for the DECOR and food, do I get to help select? Complain when it's not to my taste? Well, I had no decor at my baby shower at all, we considered it totally unnecessary expense, so I don't think that the host here should have any so just take that off my bill. And the cheap bulk snacks from Aldi are just as good as the name brand ones from expensive stores, so buy those instead. I'm not paying for Whole Foods Organic Vegan-Friendly Blah. Yeah, no. Contributing $5 for pizza delivery? Fine. Being told the costs of food and DECOR! will be split between all attending guests once numbers are finalised? Forget it! Suddenly I have a really really important... thing... to do that day.
  22. Yep. We ARE a very low income family, so I always barter, but for maybe 20%, not 75%! I had one lady claim that her father had just woken up out of a two month coma that morning and that's why she didn't arrive to pick the item up that she was buying from me. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and held onto it for her, turning down another buyer. Then she said her bank card had been blocked because of potential fraud flagging, and she couldn't get money out, so would I hold it another week. I realised by then she was probably lying, but since i'd already turned down the only other potential buyer I held onto it to see if she returned. She didn't. Who lies about a coma?! The sob stories I run into in the local buy/sell groups seem to be less about getting things free and more about getting people to hold items until they have money, and then they decide to spend the money on something else, so they try to get you to hold it until the next payday instead. I had one regular customer in my clothing store who was forever asking me to hold items only to disappear, but she bought so much that I tolerated it for the times she would actually follow through. I eventually figured out that her ability to buy depended on how many cigarettes she needed that week. She would message me at the beginning of the week to buy an item, but, at the end of the week realise she needed to choose between my item or smokes and the smokes always won. Then i'd hear from her in a week or two trying again.
  23. In case you want some positive encouragement in all this, remember how hard those twins were to begin with. Your last line strikes me because I'm nearly certain you said the same words when the twins arrived, you hated who you became to manage them each day. IF you can get over the initial hump it's likely to get better. Oh I wish I was close enough to help you. As a survivor of severe child abuse myself, in my experience the system considers us unfixable. Too far gone, too little chance of true recovery, too expensive to try. All we get are stop-gap measures until we're old enough for prison, especially the boys. Romantic notions of full care mental health placements for an 8 year old... I don't know the system as well as some of you, but I've never chanced upon anything even close to that in my searches for help. Those sorts of treatments are for kids who get in newspapers and on Dr Phil, and kids from very rich families, not for the rest of us. In a few quick years he will no longer be a troubled abused boy, he will be a 'juvenile delinquent', it will become 'his fault' he acts the way he does, so far as the system is concerned, and so the cycle repeats. If only this little one could see this is probably his last chance at a real life... My heart breaks for you Melissa, because you know all this better than anyone. I got lucky, the cycle was broken because I met some very special and very stubborn people who had an aptitude for this stuff, and we're willing to practically learn a profession to help me. For one in particular, I was literally a full time job on top of his employment, easily meeting 30-40 hours a week of direct care of which a very large part was what a psychologist or behavioural therapist would do, which he spent time learning and we figured out through trial and error. I was also incredibly self aware which is probably the only reason it worked. Most people don't get so lucky. This person tried to get me professional help, saw there was none available to me even close to my needs, and decided if they wouldn't do it, a non-professional had to still be better than nothing at all. Having said all that, I was and still am a massive sacrifice of his time. He is childless, and I have become an adopted daughter to him. But in your case... you can't dedicate 40+ hours a week of time to a single child, on top of the needs of the twins and the rest of your kids. Maybe you won't need to, the environment may help a lot alongside his issues and after the initial hump he will fold in. But if he requires that sort of care, it might just be out of your reach as well, and that wont be your fault, your other kids don't need you any less than this one. The sort of help severely abused kids need is intense, and the system simply isn't interested. Too much cost for too little gain for a group unlikely to succeed. Society plays lip service to victims of abuse, but only if they're the timid, scared and broken kind, not the aggressive, angry and disturbed kind. Even those public awareness campaigns, they show scared little girls crouched in a corner, not angry little boys lashing out at animals just to feel like they're stronger than at least one thing in their life. I'm totally rambling.... I have no idea what my point is lol. Maybe you'll get something from this stream-of-consciousness.
  24. Kids morning chores every day - their bedroom, hallway, dishwasher, bathroom benches - between the 6, 4 and 2yo this only takes about 20 minutes Kids evening chores every day - lounge room, play room - between 15 minutes and an hour depending on their moods Current housemates every day - Kitchen - half an hour DH every day - Finish the lounge room, vacuum OR fold laundry OR other lingering job - varies, try to make it no more than an hour Friday morning, and monday evening, are full (or at least, as much as we can manage before we burn out) days where we try to give every room a proper clean, vacuum, do laundry and occasionally mop. Since we keep up on the most used rooms daily this isn't too bad, half the house should already be clean from that morning/the night before.
  25. I moved with 6 days notice once. Admittedly, from a rental so no renovations or whatever else but... seriously? people who rent get 8 weeks notice, if theyre lucky, sometimes less. I can't fathom how anyone could consider 5 months too short.
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