(Please don't quote me as I may delete this later).
I posted awhile back about DH being in the hospital. He now has end-stage liver disease and needs a transplant but is not on the list (they are working on getting him on there).
He's been hospitalized 3 times since the beginning of the year. He's getting steadily worse. In between hospitalization I'm caring for him at home. He was using a walker at home to get to and from the bathroom, but that's all he can do. Right now he's in a larger hospital an hour away from our home. He's too weak to get out of bed at all. I've stayed every night with him in the hospital, while my parents have watched the kids. My mom was staying at s hotrl nearby with DD15 so they could bring me our 10mth old so I can nurse her because she won't take a bottle. They drove back home yesterday and I pumped a little milk but not much and they have formula for her they'll probably have to try, which really hurts as I nursed all of my kids exclusively and I just like having that closeness with her, especially now with all that's going on.
I'm exhausted. I want them to come back here not only do I can nurse my baby and see my other kids, but for moral support. DH's mom works so she's only here a few nights a week.
These are all petty annoyances I know, because we're dealing with the very real possibility that he won't get a transplant. I don't know how much time he'd have if he doesn't; I'm scared to ask. I'm also scared to take him back home when they release him. I don't know if I can take care of him again. It was so hard caring for him last time he came home, not only physically, but emotionally too, as he has bouts of confusion due to hepatic encephalopathy.
We've had so many ups and downs since January...two 911 calls, one of which landed him in the ICU, intubated, in septic shock. Then he got better, but his belly fluid got worse. Then his legs. Then his breathing. They fix one thing and another thing gets worse.
I just don't know what to do. People keep asking how I'm doing all this with a baby, and I don't know. I'm not doing it well. I feel like I'm going to die of stress and emotional exhaustion.
If you read this far, thanks for listening. I feel a bit better getting that off my chest.