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Rose in BC

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Posts posted by Rose in BC


  1. Rose, I just want you to know you are still in my prayers. He is probably in over his head with people who he does not know probably cannot be trusted to do the best thing for him. 

     

    I would not send cash for medical treatment. My step dd's mom has a whole scam to get money for medical treatment for her kids. When she says one of her kids has strep throat that means that she NEEDS some pot and cannot get it now that she is out of money at the end of the month. A sick child is the preferred scam of people who don't work. They know that people who would not give them cash will help innocent children.

     

    He will want to come home at some point, assuming that he is not completely self destructive. He may feel bad for the hurt he has caused you family and want to give you all some space even if he cannot verbalize that out loud. 

     

    :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

     

     

     

    Wow, I didn't for one minute think that might be a scam but you've got me thinking. It's surely not out of the realm of possibility. Anyway, he has his medical card for dr care. No money required to see dr and no one else can use card (I think). If he needs meds I'd have to pay but I would pay directly to pharmacy over phone.

     

    My niece did mention that she had a feeling sister's boyfriend was thinking my son = money. We r not sending money. He can forget that.

     

     

    I think you mentioned him having a therapist. Is there a way for him to connect with his regular therapist by phone to help him sort out what he is feeling in this new situation? It might help for him to talk about all this with someone familiar but not directly involved.

    He has had counciling but in the last few months refused any further appointments but there is one person with social services (source of counciling) that may be able to connect with him. I will talk to her Tuesday.


  2. Rose, I have a question, but I hope it doesn't come across as snarky or rude, because that's not how I intend it. I'm just trying to understand this a bit better.

     

    Do you want your ds to come home soon, or would you prefer that he stay with his bio mom for a while longer? It sounds like he's such a handful when he is at home, and that things are far more peaceful now that he's with his bio mom... yet you seem to feel guilty for even thinking that life is easier now that he's not at home with you, and I'm sure I would feel the same way.

     

    I feel so badly for you, because it seems like you are so torn. It also seems like your ds will make your life miserable if you force him to return home, yet he's still just a kid and I can't imagine letting a boy his age make such huge life decisions for himself, particularly because of all of his issues, yet also simply because of his age and the lack of maturity that comes along with being 15 years old.

     

    I guess I'm just wondering if you have thought about what you really want to happen, so you can plan accordingly. I can't even imagine being in your situation, so all I can do is pray that everything works out for the best for you, your ds, and your entire family. :grouphug:

    Not taken as snarky at all. Yes we want him home and yes it's hard to say that, given how disruptive he's been in our home. If his birth family was healthy, I'd maybe have a different response but they're not. But we don't want him home if its not his idea because that would be disastrous.

     

    And yes we do feel guilty enjoying the peace. But we shouldn't. We needed a break.

     

    I also want my boy to know we are his forever family regardless what happens. We do love him. A lot.

    • Like 10

  3. I know that it's impossible not to worry, but is there any way you can TRY to relax and have some respite? I have a disabled child and I know that some people live with a level of physical and emotional caregiver fatigue that most people cannot imagine. I hope you are able to compartmentalize and find some restorative time so you'll be rested and ready for whatever comes next.

    The first week I worried and anticipated a fairly quick return trip. The second and third week have been fairly restful, very peaceful. I can't remember our home being this peaceful in a decade. This past week the worry picked up probably because he phoned saying he was sick.

     

    Honestly we're a mixed bag of emotions.

     

    But thank you for the advice. We are trying to enjoy the fact that we're able to relax in our own home.

    • Like 2

  4. My niece just texted and said she will try and contact them today. She is still friends on FB with them and she said they posted beach pictures yesterday where everyone looks happy. (Oh and my eldest son said he still has contact with him on Facebook and saw pictures even this morning. )

     

    I know it seems funny that we aren't rushing to where he is...I can't explain the years of abuse we suffered with this boy, it's hard for me to even write the word abuse but that is what happened. Last year I started getting counciling because I was suffering from PTSS. I am the primary target of his anger. Any time we consider going to where he is we just can't see the experience being positive for us or him.

     

    The police as well as child and youth mental health tell us there's little they can do if he doesn't want to be with us or get help. According to RCMP he is not a missing person. I think social services will try and connect with him this week.

     

    Although none of this negates the worry for him and for his future.

    • Like 4

  5. We are making a plan. He's 1800 kilometres away. Very expensive to fly (two flights to get there) and we are awaiting parts for a repair to our van before we could consider a road trip. We are a single income household which means we don't have a boatload of disposable income. We were saving the money for his flight home (which was supposed to be their responsibility). This whole thing has essentially ruined summer for our other two kids because we couldn't do our regular family road trip. It makes me mad and sad. (Well ruined mind be a strong word....changed our regular plans.)

     

    And if we go before he has decided he wants to come home, there is no way he'd get into our vehicle. So we'd have wasted even more money and presumably would still have to fly him home when he wanted to come back.

     

    But we're trying to figure out the best plan of attack.


  6. I don't have much to update. Two nights ago my eldest son told me that ds had told him that he had had a fight with the sister he gets along with and that he was mad at himself because "I always mess things up". I have tried to connect since but no response.

     

    Three nights ago he told me he was feeling a it better. I still don't know if mumps were confirmed. (My niece said she had heard salivary gland problem).

     

    Also the birth mother and sister have now unfriended me on Facebook.

     

    Tomorrow is a provincial holiday in BC so I wont be able to connect with social services until Tuesday.


  7. You guys are great. Honestly I am very lucky to have some good friends that are very supportive....when I phone freaking out about something they've been voices of reason (much like people here are). And while this has been VERY tough for my dh and I, we do have each other for support. But some days have been quite dark.

     

    I would agree a need a giant box of chocolate :).

     

    And Swellmomma your comment about me wanting to be a gramma one day did make me chuckle (although I know that is a serious concern with mumps).

     

    If the boy only knew how many people love and pray for him. But of course that's the big problem...his inability to feel that love from us.


  8. Our plan was to phone pharmacy and pay for meds but he never responded to me until tonight. Turns out sister's boyfriend went to social services demanding they pay for prescription and they did. I will follow up with a note to them saying what we were planning to do to help.

     

    He also told me they took a blood test and sent it away for analysis...for suspected......wait for it....MUMPS! Oh my, what next. He would have had to have contracted it there (he's been gone almost four weeks). I'm sure he was immunized....except I can't remember if he skipped school (he's our one child that has attended ps since grade 8) on grade 9 immunization day (he was a terror in school and often skipped).

     

    I asked him to give me a quick call. "Nope", was his response.

     

    My two 17 year olds are behind in their vaccinations. Yikes! I can't wait to give them the good news, they're getting a trip to the health clinic this week.

    • Like 1

  9. I promise I'm not a troll (I've been around for a long time so I hope that gives me some credibility.). I just can't believe some of the things that are happening in our life.

     

    So here's an update.

     

    At ten o'clock last night ds phones. He is bellowing into the phone telling me he needs a dentist ....NOW! Now I don't know if it's because it is very hot here and I was tired but I was able to respond in a very non-emotional way. i began by asking him to describe what his symptoms were. I then told him his dentist was here (in our home town). He says "I knew you were going to play that card." I told him it wasn't a card, it was a fact. I also told him I didn't know any dentists where he is and told him he needed to tell birth mom to take care of it. (I also wasn't even sure if it was a tooth problem or ear problem.)

     

    Anyway that somehow evolved into a conversation about everything I've done wrong to him over the years and that the family he was with now is "blood". I told him that I had heard he was planning not to come home. He said he hadn't made up his mind but that he liked it there. I didn't argue with him.

     

    It was a sixteen minute call. The longest call since he left. It ended with "I've got to go,the phone is dying."

     

    Ten minutes later..."mom I'm desperate." (Inside I wanted to fix the problem but realized this was a learning experience. Also I'm too far away to really fix anything. It might be fun there but they can't take care of basic needs. So I suggested to take some Advil (which they didnt have).

     

    So this morning I messaged him to see how things were. He didnt respond until,afternoon. Said things were worse. Dr (i guess they went to hospital last night) gave a prescription but they don't have money to fill it. I told him to phone me. I haven't heard back.

     

    I hope he sees how foolish this is. He belongs here. First trouble and he needs us....which is the right order of things.

     

    (I actually think he also really just wanted to talk to me.)

    • Like 10

  10. Thanks for all the caring comments and suggestions. We know legally we could force him back but we also know that won't work. He has to come back voluntarily. The police already told us that at his age he is pretty much free to do this (he's three months shy of 16.). Also he would just resent us (more than he already seems to). (He has run away within our community before so we have some experience.). Remember we're talking about a child with some special needs, not your run of the mill (is the such a thing :)) well attached child.

     

    The care package is a good idea. And a note clearly saying how much we love him and that we are his forever family, is a good idea too.

     

    And who knows. The honeymoon might end sooner than later.

    • Like 1

  11. Okay here's the latest...when I got home from work my son at home told me he had spoken with ds on the phone today. I asked him what they talked about. "Nothing" was the original response. Followed by, "Oh yeah (son) says he's not coming back. He likes it better there."

     

    I'm not panicking (a) because we knew this could happen and (b) it's still early days. Still the honeymoon.

     

    I'm sure he does like it better there. No pressure of school (yet), no history, clean slate and a new family who is over the moon happy to have found him. Here he was failing school, always in conflict with us and has a reputation amongst friends (of being angry, etc). It's also a beautiful, urban city....we live in a rural, northern town.

     

    Tomorrow we will seek some advice.

     

    (Sadly my dd said things have been so peaceful since his departure. He is such a difficult boy (remember RAD/ODD due to fetal alcohol). She was feeling guilty for feeling that way. I told her not to feel guilty...he is disruptive. I was enjoying the break too. i told her That we would take each day as it came.)

     

    What a crazy life! I'm going for a long walk....in the heat...sweat out some anxiety,

    • Like 2

  12. I am just wondering something, is your son actually free to tell you he wants to come home? Every post says he was in the presence of a bio family member as if they do not trust him to talk to you or your family alone. Its often done in abusive, controlling families, you don't ever leave them along out of fear they will run or let out the secret. The fact he is never alone would have me sending the SWAT team so to speak. I'm willing to bet either he does not have control of his cell phone or they are closely monitoring it. I've been there, get him OUT.

    This has crossed my mind but yes he could contact us without them knowing (text message). Honestly there is no way anyone could hold him against his will ... He's a tough cookie both physically and behaviourally. And from what I can see via Facebook he has had some time alone...just not alone while visiting my niece.


  13. This may not be good or welcome advice - it is easy for me, a person who is NOT in your situation and who really cannot understand it completely to think about what I would do in your situation.

     

    I would encourage you to make some simple, inexpensive summer plans. And try your best to enjoy yourself and enjoy your family. I know your heart must be breaking. But your son has made a choice to make this visit and you had the wisdom to allow this. Now you must try to detach with love. Let him know you will be doing some things and how he may contact you if needed. Then do them. Even if you don't feel like it.

     

    You are a courageous and wise woman and I greatly admire you.

    Thank you for this suggestion ...it was timely. Just this afternoon I was thinking that we really need to do something otherwise we'll all feel like he's holding us hostage.

     

    My dh and I will have to figure it out.

    • Like 20

  14. So here's my weekly update.

     

    He's been in the community where his bio sister lives, for over a week now. On Friday my niece invited him for lunch. His sister minus her boyfriend, tagged along. The sister appears to have a rocky relationship with her boyfriend, father of sister's child. My niece thinks my ds wants to rescue sister from her troubles, or at least be there as support. (His sisters were apprehended from birth mother when they were 10, 12 and lived in group homes through their teens. They've got some significant issues themselves. They did maintain a relationship with birth mother through their teens but didn't live with her.)

     

    Today on Facebook I saw sister say her baby needed some eye surgery September 12. I'm thinking my oh will not be coming home before then given him desire to help her.

     

    Birth mother is apparently on her way to community where ds and his sister are. I don't know if my ds will go back with her to her home or stay with sister.

     

    I can't ask too many questions because he's not ever liked that. So I'm trying to figure out a way to ask him what he's thinking without offending him (which isn't easy). My niece is trying to get him alone so she can talk more freely with him but that hasn't happened yet.

     

    I haven't talked with him on phone for a week just literally one word texts a couple of times.

    • Like 1

  15. The stomach issue thing is really calling to me. Have you considered he has Celiacs even if he has had a negative test? Gluten can exacerbate problems in people who already have issues like RAD, bi-polar or spectrum disorders. Of course, getting a RAD kid to stay on the diet might be nuts and not worth it.

    I missed this comment when you posted it. Very interesting. I'm going to research this a bit (although you're right about compliance....but maybe in future.)

    • Like 1

  16. Friends of ours adopted a sibling group and their children, specifically the eldest son wanted a relationship with his older siblings. The adoptive parents encouraged him to pursue those friendships. They invited the other siblings on camping trips, helped him send birthday presents and made it a point that they had to be home at a certain time each week to call them. When he was older and wanted to live with them, they told him that he was safe right were he was and encouraged him to stay with his adoptive parents.Is there a way you could invite the sibling to come and visit at your home for a couple of weeks? Sort of an exchange visit? She could come and meet all of you, see his community, his friends? If she likes you she will encourage him to keep up a relationship with you when he is an adult. If she hates you she could discourage that.

      

    :grouphug: I like the idea of inviting the bio-sibling(s), and maybe even the bio-mom if he chooses, to visit in your home. Perhaps if you float that idea to him next time you communicate with him, either on phone or text, that would make it easier for him to come Home. Knowing that he is welcome to see them again in the future, and you are willing to build that bridge.

    Just a casual " would you like to invite ___________ to visit for Thanksgiving?" Might get him home sooner. I imagine he may feel like he's stuck between a rock and a hard place right now, trying to figure out how he fits into two different families.

    :grouphug: again.

    Yes I did think about inviting them. I don't think they'd be able to afford a trip to us. It means two flights each way to get to our place. But I can offer.

     

    Thanks for the ideas.

     

    I told my dh tomorrow I have to snap out of the serious funk I was in today. I'm not doing anybody a favour.

    • Like 1

  17. We're feeling a bit forlorn today. I can't seem to accomplish anything (well I did clean bathroom).

     

    My ds visited my adult niece yesterday. For six hours. With his birth sister and her boyfriend. My sister popped in for about half hour to see him.

     

    My sister called to say he looks fine. He told her " it's weird visiting here without Rose". Seriously he called me Rose to my sister. I'm having a really hard time with that one. I'm trying to remember he's a young kid and that his newly found family was in room but none the less, it hurts.

     

    Later my niece called me. She said the visit went well. They had arranged to meet in a local park. Was going to invite them over for supper. They were able to have a serious discussion but always with sister and her boyfriend in room. Long story short, my niece is getting a feeling he doesn't want to come back home. (I told her to be honest with me. We've been through so much we're prepared for anything). She doesn't know that, just her gut. (Well he did ask my niece what his legal rights were.) My niece also mentioned that sister seemed balanced and did sometimes side with us...like when he complained about us, she'd back us up as parents making best choices possible.

     

    My niece actually thinks my son is more interested in relationship with the sister than the mom.

     

    He will be in same town as my niece for another week he said. They're going to get together again.

     

    Our circumstances are so difficult. It'd be easy to say make him come home. It would not necessarily be best decision for safety of our family (remember RAD). It's kind of we're damned if we do, damned if we don't situation. (And btw, we couldn't make him. If he doesn't want to, apart from police restraint (which wouldn't improve our relationship), he wouldn't come with us.)

     

    Couple that with a short video I watched on their FB site, apartment was a huge mess, and well...my dh and I are feeling a bit hopeless.

     

    And I can see why he's hesitant to move back. He doesn't have a great reputation here, he's struggled with us his whole life....there its a clean slate. A fresh start. (In his mind.)


  18. Thanks for thinking about us. Our boy is still not home but I did have a pretty good conversation with him two nights ago. My favourite line of our talk...."um mom (aka birth mother), my mom wants to know.....". At least he still calls me mom. :)

     

    He told me he was heading to a town two hours away from where he is with his birth sister. My sister lives there. He did make contact with my niece (his adult cousin) and told her he wanted to visit her. I think this will happen this weekend.

     

    He has discovered a few family traits including the fact that all his siblings suffer from same stomach issues as he does.

     

    He had a rip roaring fight with one sister....fighting is his mo for handling stress at our house.

     

    He told social work he will return in time for school. (He's the only one of my kids not homeschooled.. Well he was until grade 8.)

     

    So we're hanging in...some days easier than others.

    • Like 11

  19. Thanks for your kind words. I'm not sure I'm handling anything....it's so overwhelming its hard to even think it all through.

     

    We couldn't force him to come home if we wanted to....trust me when I say a child with RAD is not your typical child. Plus if we did successfully get him home before he wanted to, our life would be hell....he'd make sure of it. Honestly I've been wondering what life will be like upon his return. Will it be better or will things be worse than before (which is hard to imagine).

     

    Last night I sent several "I love you and miss you" messages. Today on Facebook birthmother and adult birth sister had posts about how complete their lives are now that he's part of their lives and how much they love him. I almost wondered if he said something positive about us and they were reacting.

     

    It's painful. And confusing. And honestly we don't always really know what to do. No instruction book with this situation.

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