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Rose in BC

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Everything posted by Rose in BC

  1. People, I just about lost it. I picked up the phone tonight and birthmom was on the other end. It startled me. I have talked three times with her before...all before ds left. The boy needs shoes. I knew that because he called Saturday to inform me that if I was his real mother I would want to send money for shoes. Well no. I don't want to send money. But i did phone my sister who is relatively close and asked her if she would take him shoe shopping. Absolutely. She gave me the days she was available. I forwarded information to son. Well that's not good enough according to birthmom. And he needs food too. The money that we arranged through social services doesn't start flowing until next week. Well my sister is willing to feed him too. Nope, not good enough. That turned into 45 minutes of hell. (I had the sense to FaceTime my sister for her to listen in case i wasn't objective). She told me I was legally obligated to provide for him. I assured her we would care for him if he was living its us. Nope. No matter where he wants to live I need to financially support him. I told her that made no sense. If my dd suddenly wanted to move to Toronto I would have to facilitate that? It was bad. My sister was signaling to shut it down. So I told her that our next conversation would be with social services on line. I am a bit rattled. (And rambling. I just needed to vent.)
  2. Again thanks for all the care and concern. The birthmother will get room and board directly with he getting a small allowance for needs I.e. clothes. They will give him money twice weekly so that he doesn't have a large chunk to blow at one time. It's been a very draining week and if you can believe it this afternoon I went to a funeral of a friend of mine only two years older than me. She died of cancer diagnosed nine months ago. It's a reminder of how short life is. And I don't want to waste my life. I've spent a lot of time this summer grieving. Even today I feel drained. I want to wake up tomorrow with a fresh start. And not feel guilt that we couldn't meet all his needs. It's going to take some effort.
  3. I think we have a plan. The social services has agreed to provide birth mom with some financial support for food and stuff in exchange for twice monthly visits from social worker and more frequent contact with our local social worker. Not perfect (I don't want my son to starve but I'm not overly keen about financial compensation to birth mother.). Social worker explained to birthmother that she has no legal claim to son. That we are his parents. However this is a formal agreement with social services which ensures some accountability. The agreement will be for three months. Social worker told me they don't believe ds to be in danger. A completely different style of home, but not danger. Oh and attendance at school is obligatory. I also contacted police to see what would happen if they ever picked him up. With this plan in place we have some protection. Police said their concern would be for his physical well being which is being provided. It was a tough day. Social services weren't exactly eager to be involved this way (I get it) but I reminded them we had sought council from them about letting him go to birthmom in first place and they advised us to let him go and I also told them we adopted a boy with significantly greater challenges than was identified at time of adoption. That they had a moral obligation to help us. I guess I convinced them because at 4:30 they called with this plan. Again not perfect (which would be boy at home happy with his family) but okay for now. Who knows what happens in three months.
  4. Thanks everyone for your kind comments. I think I'm calm tonight (although the acid is burning in my throat, the tears are right at the doorstep) because this has been a long, long journey for us. It certainly didnt start with him discovering his birth family. We've had many years of struggles. While i come across calm...I've had my moments. We have good support in real life even though no one we know has experienced this kind of life altering event. I cleaned my boy's room yesterday. I stared at the walls I painted 13 years ago to welcome my boys home. I remember the excitement we felt, the optimism we held....we will love them and be their forever family. Maybe naive but genuine. We certainly made many mistakes. The worst probably being that we kind of knew something wasn't right but didnt seek help right away. Partly because we were afraid. Afraid of involving social services from whom we adopted the boys. Adoption is a very intrusive process. We'd been through the home studies and social worker visits. We just wanted to be "normal". And afraid that what we suspected, namely fetal alcohol, would come true. It was possible to cope in the early years (although our friends wondered how we could manage our "handful" of a boy). But once we hit the teen years, it was impossible to cover up his special needs. And by then it was hard to do anything to change things. He was not responsive to any help, agreeing to counciling only briefly before deciding it was stupid. We will seek advice on how to protect ourselves legally. And believe you me, I was a person who thought I could manage my teens and persuade them to follow our ways and advice. He is 15, almost 16 and we cannot make him do anything. I am a strong personality. I have never successfully convinced him to do anything he didnt want to do. We have two other children, one with significant special needs (FASD with MR, just well attached to us). They need us. They've had a rough ride too. Yesterday my daughter invited new friends over spontaneously. We couldn't do that before because we never knew what ds's mood was. We will try to use this time to recuperate (once I've had some processing time). I am sure we will try and see him ...I'm wishing nothing more than being able to hug my boy. I'm not sure when. Miles quite far away. My niece will stay in contact with him. I sometimes take business trips to the city he is in so when I'm there I will definitely seek him out. We love him. He has hurt us but we love him. It seems love isn't always enough and that we've done what we could to give our son a foundation. And we will always be his mom and dad. I'm drained.
  5. My niece just called. He's definitely not coming back. Her advice was not to fight it because anything we do will,throw fuel on the fire. (She is 33 and a mother so I do trust her. Social services has pretty much offered similar advice.) He sees us (me) as the source of all his troubles. And of course birth family is perpetuating that thought. My family (sisters etc read the hate text he sent me last night and said that we have done all we can. He has to figure it out. ) We will let social,services communicate with him. They may offer some services if they're involved and he goes to school. We will convey the message that we are always his family and that this is his home. I started a low sugar diet yesterday...definitely bad timing. I feel numb. (Honestly I think he'll be back but not for some time.)
  6. Yesterday was horrible. I had a dialogue (texting) with ds which turned sour fast. He hurled every hurtful thing he could at me including repeatedly telling me I'm only his adopted mom not his "real" family. It's everything I've heard before in person but reading the words was very hurtful. Social services is trying to make contact with him today.
  7. No meeting with my niece today. She has rheumatoid arthritis (has had arthritis since a child) and had a big flare up today. She apologized profusely. They'll try again Wednesday. Of course I'm disappointed. (Near tears disappointed.) But I know she would have met him if she could have. We'll see what happens Wednesday. Tomorrow I phone social services.
  8. My niece just texted and said she's meeting my boy tomorrow. Yay!
  9. Wow, I didn't for one minute think that might be a scam but you've got me thinking. It's surely not out of the realm of possibility. Anyway, he has his medical card for dr care. No money required to see dr and no one else can use card (I think). If he needs meds I'd have to pay but I would pay directly to pharmacy over phone. My niece did mention that she had a feeling sister's boyfriend was thinking my son = money. We r not sending money. He can forget that. He has had counciling but in the last few months refused any further appointments but there is one person with social services (source of counciling) that may be able to connect with him. I will talk to her Tuesday.
  10. Not taken as snarky at all. Yes we want him home and yes it's hard to say that, given how disruptive he's been in our home. If his birth family was healthy, I'd maybe have a different response but they're not. But we don't want him home if its not his idea because that would be disastrous. And yes we do feel guilty enjoying the peace. But we shouldn't. We needed a break. I also want my boy to know we are his forever family regardless what happens. We do love him. A lot.
  11. That's exactly the problem...he thinks we are the source of his problems. I know there is hope that in the future he'll see the light....that's what we pray will happen.
  12. The first week I worried and anticipated a fairly quick return trip. The second and third week have been fairly restful, very peaceful. I can't remember our home being this peaceful in a decade. This past week the worry picked up probably because he phoned saying he was sick. Honestly we're a mixed bag of emotions. But thank you for the advice. We are trying to enjoy the fact that we're able to relax in our own home.
  13. My niece just texted and said she will try and contact them today. She is still friends on FB with them and she said they posted beach pictures yesterday where everyone looks happy. (Oh and my eldest son said he still has contact with him on Facebook and saw pictures even this morning. ) I know it seems funny that we aren't rushing to where he is...I can't explain the years of abuse we suffered with this boy, it's hard for me to even write the word abuse but that is what happened. Last year I started getting counciling because I was suffering from PTSS. I am the primary target of his anger. Any time we consider going to where he is we just can't see the experience being positive for us or him. The police as well as child and youth mental health tell us there's little they can do if he doesn't want to be with us or get help. According to RCMP he is not a missing person. I think social services will try and connect with him this week. Although none of this negates the worry for him and for his future.
  14. We are making a plan. He's 1800 kilometres away. Very expensive to fly (two flights to get there) and we are awaiting parts for a repair to our van before we could consider a road trip. We are a single income household which means we don't have a boatload of disposable income. We were saving the money for his flight home (which was supposed to be their responsibility). This whole thing has essentially ruined summer for our other two kids because we couldn't do our regular family road trip. It makes me mad and sad. (Well ruined mind be a strong word....changed our regular plans.) And if we go before he has decided he wants to come home, there is no way he'd get into our vehicle. So we'd have wasted even more money and presumably would still have to fly him home when he wanted to come back. But we're trying to figure out the best plan of attack.
  15. I don't have much to update. Two nights ago my eldest son told me that ds had told him that he had had a fight with the sister he gets along with and that he was mad at himself because "I always mess things up". I have tried to connect since but no response. Three nights ago he told me he was feeling a it better. I still don't know if mumps were confirmed. (My niece said she had heard salivary gland problem). Also the birth mother and sister have now unfriended me on Facebook. Tomorrow is a provincial holiday in BC so I wont be able to connect with social services until Tuesday.
  16. You guys are great. Honestly I am very lucky to have some good friends that are very supportive....when I phone freaking out about something they've been voices of reason (much like people here are). And while this has been VERY tough for my dh and I, we do have each other for support. But some days have been quite dark. I would agree a need a giant box of chocolate :). And Swellmomma your comment about me wanting to be a gramma one day did make me chuckle (although I know that is a serious concern with mumps). If the boy only knew how many people love and pray for him. But of course that's the big problem...his inability to feel that love from us.
  17. Our plan was to phone pharmacy and pay for meds but he never responded to me until tonight. Turns out sister's boyfriend went to social services demanding they pay for prescription and they did. I will follow up with a note to them saying what we were planning to do to help. He also told me they took a blood test and sent it away for analysis...for suspected......wait for it....MUMPS! Oh my, what next. He would have had to have contracted it there (he's been gone almost four weeks). I'm sure he was immunized....except I can't remember if he skipped school (he's our one child that has attended ps since grade 8) on grade 9 immunization day (he was a terror in school and often skipped). I asked him to give me a quick call. "Nope", was his response. My two 17 year olds are behind in their vaccinations. Yikes! I can't wait to give them the good news, they're getting a trip to the health clinic this week.
  18. Again, thanks for the gracious comments. I think I handled okay but tonight I'm stewing a bit over what's happening on his end since he's not responding to my message. But I can't change anything so fretting is pointless.
  19. I promise I'm not a troll (I've been around for a long time so I hope that gives me some credibility.). I just can't believe some of the things that are happening in our life. So here's an update. At ten o'clock last night ds phones. He is bellowing into the phone telling me he needs a dentist ....NOW! Now I don't know if it's because it is very hot here and I was tired but I was able to respond in a very non-emotional way. i began by asking him to describe what his symptoms were. I then told him his dentist was here (in our home town). He says "I knew you were going to play that card." I told him it wasn't a card, it was a fact. I also told him I didn't know any dentists where he is and told him he needed to tell birth mom to take care of it. (I also wasn't even sure if it was a tooth problem or ear problem.) Anyway that somehow evolved into a conversation about everything I've done wrong to him over the years and that the family he was with now is "blood". I told him that I had heard he was planning not to come home. He said he hadn't made up his mind but that he liked it there. I didn't argue with him. It was a sixteen minute call. The longest call since he left. It ended with "I've got to go,the phone is dying." Ten minutes later..."mom I'm desperate." (Inside I wanted to fix the problem but realized this was a learning experience. Also I'm too far away to really fix anything. It might be fun there but they can't take care of basic needs. So I suggested to take some Advil (which they didnt have). So this morning I messaged him to see how things were. He didnt respond until,afternoon. Said things were worse. Dr (i guess they went to hospital last night) gave a prescription but they don't have money to fill it. I told him to phone me. I haven't heard back. I hope he sees how foolish this is. He belongs here. First trouble and he needs us....which is the right order of things. (I actually think he also really just wanted to talk to me.)
  20. Thanks for all the caring comments and suggestions. We know legally we could force him back but we also know that won't work. He has to come back voluntarily. The police already told us that at his age he is pretty much free to do this (he's three months shy of 16.). Also he would just resent us (more than he already seems to). (He has run away within our community before so we have some experience.). Remember we're talking about a child with some special needs, not your run of the mill (is the such a thing :)) well attached child. The care package is a good idea. And a note clearly saying how much we love him and that we are his forever family, is a good idea too. And who knows. The honeymoon might end sooner than later.
  21. Okay here's the latest...when I got home from work my son at home told me he had spoken with ds on the phone today. I asked him what they talked about. "Nothing" was the original response. Followed by, "Oh yeah (son) says he's not coming back. He likes it better there." I'm not panicking (a) because we knew this could happen and (b) it's still early days. Still the honeymoon. I'm sure he does like it better there. No pressure of school (yet), no history, clean slate and a new family who is over the moon happy to have found him. Here he was failing school, always in conflict with us and has a reputation amongst friends (of being angry, etc). It's also a beautiful, urban city....we live in a rural, northern town. Tomorrow we will seek some advice. (Sadly my dd said things have been so peaceful since his departure. He is such a difficult boy (remember RAD/ODD due to fetal alcohol). She was feeling guilty for feeling that way. I told her not to feel guilty...he is disruptive. I was enjoying the break too. i told her That we would take each day as it came.) What a crazy life! I'm going for a long walk....in the heat...sweat out some anxiety,
  22. This has crossed my mind but yes he could contact us without them knowing (text message). Honestly there is no way anyone could hold him against his will ... He's a tough cookie both physically and behaviourally. And from what I can see via Facebook he has had some time alone...just not alone while visiting my niece.
  23. Thank you for this suggestion ...it was timely. Just this afternoon I was thinking that we really need to do something otherwise we'll all feel like he's holding us hostage. My dh and I will have to figure it out.
  24. Yes it has. When people, unknowingly ask me what our summer plans are, I just think to myself "if only you knew". We can't make any plans.
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