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Rose in BC

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Posts posted by Rose in BC

  1. So I it looks like ds will move in with my niece and her family next week at least for the moment. She lives two hours away from his birthmother. I think ds has realized he can't live with her. She quit her part time job last week because she told him he could provide for him. It's bizarre.


    My niece and her husband invited him into their home. Honestly I don't know how that will work. She knows everything about him but thinks she has a report with him. My sister lives in same community. Oh and so does ds's bio sister. For the immediate it's a good choice and I'm very happy he'll be out of birthmom's craziness.


    My niece has told him she is looking for counciling for him (and a dentist...I guess his teeth are does that happen in two months)?


    If only the boy could see how much we (my dh and I and all our extended family) love him.

    • Like 28

  2. Oh Rose, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. I wasn't talking about you forcing him to return home. I was surprised that social services is letting him remain in that home, given everything that is going on there. It's so strange to me that they are allowing him to make the decision to stay there, instead of removing him from the home.


    I was hoping there was a way you could go and visit him, though.

    Thanks for the clarification. Honestly, I think social services is sometimes as much at a loss of what to do with some kids as we as parents do. Worker did say she was going to connect with him yesterday. I will follow up with her today.

    • Like 1

  3. :grouphug: :grouphug:


    After having a very difficult night with dd6 last night, this morning I stumbled across a series of articles that was talking about adopted children being given away on the internet due to the overwhelming needs they require. It is horrible and sad, and the article compared the process to 're homing a dog'. The adoptive parents are just signing away guardianship rights to strangers (in some cases- I am sure others are handled differently) and passing the kid off to another family.


    After a stressful night and another hole in a wall (she kicks holes when she gets mad), the articles left me in a funk of a mood all day. There have been so many times that I have regretted getting involved in her care, but I could never imagine being at the point to just passing her off on a street corner to some stranger. The part that really struck me, is to think that these families did try and try and try to make the world right for their adopted children. Many paid expenses well over $20,000 to adopt internationally and committed the time and effort to adoption. On top of that, these parents likely paid as much, if not more, after they were home, to get room and board, medical/mental health care, family support and more set up and going. And then at the end of it all, it was just.too.much. They just couldn't do it. They make a desperate choice in a desperate situation. I went to work around noon and my boss asked why I seemed so quiet today (I am known for being a chatterbox) and what I didn't have the heart to that I wonder just how bad things will get for us. IT is unfathomable where we have already been, I can't imagine where we are headed.


    It just makes me so sad to see how RAD and mental health needs of many adopted children are beyond our current scope of treatment. I think about You and Denise and Tara and all the other families who have allowed families to see just a small glimpse into that world of RAD and mental illness in adopted children. A glimpse into the world of the adoptive parent...the world of chaos and heartbreak, anger and forgiveness. The world that, even after every single thing your son has put you through this year, you are still willing to work with him coming home and still love him deeply and honestly.


    You know from the outpouring of love on this board how much support you have here, but I wanted you to know that there are some of us out here, who do understand the commitment it takes to continue loving and caring for a RAD/MI child. It is a choice made every day. It is a war torn love and not one that comes without tears. It is living in a dichotomy of hurt,anger and frustration with rare moments of pure joy, elation, and love. But those moments...those rare fleeting moments make so much of the negative forgivable and we all hope that one day these children can find a spouse or have a child of their own, who they finally let in and in return give back all that they have missed themselves.


    From you son, I will say thank you. It isn't my place to do so, but for him, on this night, I say thank you for trying so desperately to give him a normal life, and even after this summer, still loving him so much that we can see the hurt inside you being apart from him.



    ETA: I do not compare your sons visit with his b-mom ANY WAY similar to the stories I read. I was only mentioning that as a reference to my own mood today.

    Well now I have wrecked my makeup before work because this brough tears to my eyes. Thanks for understanding.


    We love our boy so much and want the best for him. It's a day by day journey getting there.

    • Like 4

  4. FWIW, I'm not sure I would entirely trust social services. Personally, I can't even begin to imagine how social services thinks it is somehow acceptable to leave your ds in a home with a woman who is exhibiting the symptoms you have described to us. IMO, they should be removing him from that home, whether he likes it or not. I'm not sure how a 15yo boy with issues of his own got to be in charge of his own destiny.


    And I also wouldn't count on her not being dangerous. It's probably not something she would have admitted to you.

    I don't really want to go into details but we could not physically remove this boy. (He has been physically threatening to us in the past to the point of requiring police.). He is not your average kid. He has significant special needs and deep seated anger. At this point he couldn't even come back into our home directly because of the threat he poses to our family. My daughter lives in fear of his return. This is not a simple case of teenage angst. reactive attachment disorder is ...indescribable. So, if he's coming back it can't be because we forced him. Which we couldn't anyway. And if we could he'd just run a way.


    When he wants to come home we can lay the groundwork for his return.


    Honestly, there's no manual for what we're doing. We are doing what we think is right. Who knows? We may not be right. FASD shows its face in different ways. I have two boys with FASD it's just that in our youngest it also came with RAD.

    • Like 12

  5. But is anyone really sure exactly what kind of mental illness the bio mom suffers from? I would not even begin to assume that she isn't dangerous.


    And I disagree that it's a good thing because it's another dose of reality. I think it is horrible that Rose's poor ds is stuck in the middle of this nightmare. He must be so frightened and confused.


    This isn't a dose of reality -- it's a house of horrors, and I hate the thought that he is there to witness such terrible things.

    Yes we know. We knew before hand. She told him. Social services told us she's not dangerous (physically).


    He doesn't have to be there even for one more minute. He even has his bio sister who lives within walking distance (she's an adult). It is horrible. It hurts me to think about it. He can leave. I mean my sister and dd were there a week ago. He could have gone home with her. He doesn't want to and that's the problem.


    And even if she somehow was keeping him there under duress he could still leave. He's twice her size AND he could signal us and we'd have him out of there instantly. (He has physically moved me and I am not a small woman.)


    But I agree, it's horrible.

    • Like 2

  6. Birth mom is "decompensating". That's the jargon term when a MI individual begins to spiral down. Most schizophrenics are not dangerous - except those with Paranoid Schizophrenia. They can become violent because they are so afraid. Hopefully the social worker will be able to assess the situation.


    I'm so sorry for you - and your son. But it is another dose of reality so perhaps it is a good thing.

    Thanks for the terminology. I googled trying to find better words to describe her state but couldn't find anything.


    The dose of reality is good. We spoke at length about her mental illness because we/he knew before he left this was a concern.

  7. My mother's heart of course feels concern. I just can't explain why that won't work with this boy. As an example, I just had a congenial chat with him about nothing serious just a few minutes ago (Via messaging). He says to me school was great today and he thinks he'll give staying another shot. So I bite (he doesn't know I know) by saying good school is going well and said to him "it's been a tough week hey?" That got his hackles up. He asked me what did I mean by that. I told him he had posted on fb that he was thinking of heading back north (home) so I assumed things had transpired making him want to leave. No more response. Conversation over.


    We could not help this boy if he didn't want it. And it would make him angry. FASD/RAD's indescribable and I think incomprehensible if you haven't had first hand experience (and even if you have ).


    But, my sister is reasonably close by and he knows they'd come whenever he called.


    It's such a complex situation. He's such a complex boy.

  8. Yes I now know his birthmother is having (and I'm not sure how to phrase this) a schizophrenic melt down. I think it's disconcerting for him. I guess her boyfriend tried to get her to hospital but she's been weeping nonstop and hallucinating.


    My niece told him her dad could be there in two hours to pick him up but he doesn't feel in danger, just confused at what he's seeing.


    I contacted social worker today. She is checking into things.

  9. We've had a tough week with our eldest son getting in some trouble, my dd going to her birthmother's funeral. Friday night I was feeling very overwhelmed telling dh I can't do it anymore (parenting FASD kids). Knowing their whole life will be a struggle, I sometimes wonder how we'll be able to continue this pace. There is no respite with FASD.


    Anyway, yesterday my dh and I good day shopping, going for lunch (andi had my nails done :)). On our way one I get a text from my niece saying "it looks like the sh**** hit the fan, referring tommy ds and his birthmother. My heart was pounding. on the one hand maybe he was coming home. On the other hand, how would we be able to handle this boy who has been out of control his whole life but now it could be worse than ever.


    So last night I bit the bullet and phoned him and he answered. He was a bit defensive to start but eventually said he's been thinking about it. (Actually i think he was choking up on the other end when he heard my voice but he claimed to be listening to his ipod thats why he wasnt talking.) I didn't say anything except that I was worried that something bad had happened causing him to want to leave and that I was just checking he was ok. He said everything was fine. I reiterated that he could call any time if he was in trouble. Call lasted ten minute.


    So I don't know what to make of this. He started school Friday which I know would have been stressful. I think I'll phone social worker and see if she can dig deeper.

    • Like 14

  10. The poor boy, I hope he finds a way out of his dilemma and decides to go home. :grouphug:

    Me too. My sister will be in his city next week for a day. I will be interested in seeing if she can meet up with him (and dd, who is attending her birthmother's funeral).


    I asked dd if she wanted to see ds. I was kind of shocked to hear her say how angry she is at him for putting us through so much grief. (She's a very mellow personality.). I'm glad we have counciling for her.

    • Like 2

  11. Here's a interesting update. My ds texted my sister day telling her he thinks he might have chicken pox! Seriously? Mumps earlier this month (turned out not to be) and now chicken pox? And why isn't his birthmother providing guidance? He always comes to us in times of trouble.


    After a back and forth conversation, my sister told him he needs to see a dr. (Oh, and she asked him if he's sure it's not her words "insect bites"...aka fleas or bedbugs.)


    Haven't heard anything more since this morning.


    I think he might be gearing up for excuses to miss school which starts Tuesday. I'm sure he's scared. New school. Big city school.

  12. Thanks everyone for checking in. Nothing to update. Absolutely no news. My dd is leaving tomorrow for a scheduled visit with one of my sisters. Then She and my sister are heading to my dd's birth moms funeral on Tuesday. It's in the same city where my ds is. I'm not sure if they'll attempt to see ds. My dd is stressed enough so I'm not adding more to burden her but waiting to see if she brings it up.


    It's hard that I'm not going to funeral with dd. I just can't. Financially it's a strain (as it is it'll cost us $800 to send dd), my work schedule is packed, we have another ds with special needs and school starts next week (although I homeschool him). And, I don't think I could bear rejection from my youngest ds if I went to city where he is and he refused to see me. Which I think could happen. But my sister (13 years older than me) is a very good substitute and LOVES my dd. But of course I feel the mommy guilt.


    Next week school starts for him. I'm curious to see how that will work.

    • Like 4

  13. Thanks for these comments. Our children all know their history and have always known. We've been very open and very respectful of their history. We adopted our dd (she was our first) from a private agency that dealt with open adoptions so we had a lot of counciling prior to bringing home our kids.


    As for going together him, this boy has been physical with us. If he doesn't want to come home we won't be able to make him (and if we could get him picked up by say police he would just run away.. He's done that before even any of this transpired.


    We are following council of social services. Not that we always agree but we need some objective, professional advice.

    • Like 13

  14. Any money coming from social services is contingent on school attendance. If he doesn't go, social services will cut off funding.


    I predict that will happen. School has always been a disaster for him. I homeschooled until grade eight....I cried every single day...and I'm not exaggerating. He has been to three public schools, including one "alternate" school that supposedly accommodates kids like him.. It didnt work. I don't know how a very large public school with no idea of his need for an individual educational plan is going to work for him.


    His biggest factor in not succeeding in school....attendance. I could not make him go. Really. I wished you'd all know in real life. I am a fairly strong woman. And I get along with virtually anyone (i have to say virtually because I'm having a little problem with son's birthmother :)).I work as a senior manager in local government. I supervise people. I could not make my ds go to school. RAD is an unreal experience. If you've never had a RAD child, well it's hard to believe their behaviour.


    Next to a lack of attendance was an unwillingness to do what the teachers asked him to do.


    I hope I'm wrong and this school will be the miracle solution. But I kind of doubt it.

    • Like 14

  15. No update. I know he's back in the city his birth mother lives (as opposed to where his birth sister and my sister and niece live). I know this because he answered my question, are you in (city) with a "yup".


    So for the first time he's with his birth mother alone. And now the pressure starts...registering him for school, etc. I would say the party will end quickly but I honestly didnt think he'd last as long as he has.


    It also means sporadic communication and no family contact.


    Thanks for asking.

    • Like 3

  16. Quick update. Just got off phone with my sister. She picked him up at 11:30, took him to lunch, took him shopping and even got him over to her house. At her house she showed him her downstairs and told him that's where he could stay if he wanted or needed a place.


    She ended up buying him some jeans and socks and underwear along with the shoes. And a few groceries.


    Ds (who has always had stomach issues) did tell my sister he was having issues (I think constipated). I'm guessing he eats very little produce and he's always been a poor drinker of water.). So she gave him some Metamucil and reminded him to drink water.


    Overall she affirmed what we've known forever. My boy does/cannot believe we all love him. This is well known to me. He has often told me he doesn't "feel" loved. Dr says symptom of RAD. But my sister was a good advocate.


    He doesn't believe birth mom as a mental illness.


    He told my sister that he is confused having two moms.


    My sister did an outstanding job. And the icing on the cake! My niece took him for dinner. By himself. (Haven't heard feedback from that yet.)


    Another day. (Eldest son has been clammering to visit his birth sister. He has OCD so doesn't easily take no for an answer when het gets fixated on something. I told him we would take him maybe in fall (his bio sister lives in same town as where ds is now.. All my kids were adopted from same city. ). I want to say "please son, I can only deal with one family reunion at a time :)!")

    • Like 33

  17. I hope none of the bio family insists on going shopping with your sister and your ds.


    Your sister should be prepared to walk away if they insist on coming along. If she is going to be paying for the shoes and the food, that should give her some leverage.


    I'm not at all sure why your sister should be buying food, though.

    Good advice about walking away. My sister is a pretty tough cookie (she's 8 years older than me :)). I think she'll make a raucas if he doesn't come alone.


    The food isn't necessary for sure...I just can't not let my sister get a little fresh produce etc. maybe we're being too soft but next week when I know he's getting money we won't be buying anything.

    • Like 2

  18. Thanks for listening ...and assuring me we're not being unreasonable. I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight. Sometimes it seems too overwhelming. My dh is so upset right now. As is my daughter. I just keep replaying the conversation in mymind.


    And the worst part? We so are willing to have a relationship with that woman. But I can't see that ever being likely given how she communicates with me.


    I am going to soak in a hot bath. Maybe that will help. (Someone posted about accidentally buying a bottle of southern comfort tonight.....I wished I were her neighbor :). )

    • Like 6

  19. People, I just about lost it. I picked up the phone tonight and birthmom was on the other end. It startled me. I have talked three times with her before...all before ds left.


    The boy needs shoes. I knew that because he called Saturday to inform me that if I was his real mother I would want to send money for shoes.


    Well no. I don't want to send money. But i did phone my sister who is relatively close and asked her if she would take him shoe shopping. Absolutely. She gave me the days she was available. I forwarded information to son.


    Well that's not good enough according to birthmom. And he needs food too. The money that we arranged through social services doesn't start flowing until next week. Well my sister is willing to feed him too. Nope, not good enough.


    That turned into 45 minutes of hell. (I had the sense to FaceTime my sister for her to listen in case i wasn't objective).


    She told me I was legally obligated to provide for him. I assured her we would care for him if he was living its us. Nope. No matter where he wants to live I need to financially support him. I told her that made no sense. If my dd suddenly wanted to move to Toronto I would have to facilitate that?


    It was bad.


    My sister was signaling to shut it down. So I told her that our next conversation would be with social services on line.


    I am a bit rattled. (And rambling. I just needed to vent.)

    • Like 3

  20. Again thanks for all the care and concern.


    The birthmother will get room and board directly with he getting a small allowance for needs I.e. clothes. They will give him money twice weekly so that he doesn't have a large chunk to blow at one time.


    It's been a very draining week and if you can believe it this afternoon I went to a funeral of a friend of mine only two years older than me. She died of cancer diagnosed nine months ago. It's a reminder of how short life is. And I don't want to waste my life. I've spent a lot of time this summer grieving. Even today I feel drained.


    I want to wake up tomorrow with a fresh start. And not feel guilt that we couldn't meet all his needs.


    It's going to take some effort.

    • Like 16

  21. I think we have a plan. The social services has agreed to provide birth mom with some financial support for food and stuff in exchange for twice monthly visits from social worker and more frequent contact with our local social worker. Not perfect (I don't want my son to starve but I'm not overly keen about financial compensation to birth mother.). Social worker explained to birthmother that she has no legal claim to son. That we are his parents. However this is a formal agreement with social services which ensures some accountability. The agreement will be for three months. Social worker told me they don't believe ds to be in danger. A completely different style of home, but not danger. Oh and attendance at school is obligatory.


    I also contacted police to see what would happen if they ever picked him up. With this plan in place we have some protection. Police said their concern would be for his physical well being which is being provided.


    It was a tough day. Social services weren't exactly eager to be involved this way (I get it) but I reminded them we had sought council from them about letting him go to birthmom in first place and they advised us to let him go and I also told them we adopted a boy with significantly greater challenges than was identified at time of adoption. That they had a moral obligation to help us. I guess I convinced them because at 4:30 they called with this plan.


    Again not perfect (which would be boy at home happy with his family) but okay for now. Who knows what happens in three months.

    • Like 30
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