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Rose in BC

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Everything posted by Rose in BC

  1. So he's settled in with my niece and her family and last night they went to my sister's house for dinner. They sent me a photo. Yay! He looks good. Tomorrow he starts school in another new school. Things were really grim at birthmother's (he has shared with niece). I guess all money went for alcohol and drugs. He told niece there had been no food in house for three days leading up to his departure to my niece's. He also is bitter as he's come to realize birthmom did drink during pregnancy (despite her denial he sees her drinking now and sees the damage his sisters and he have as a result of that drinking.) I don't know how this will work. One day at a time. He turns 16 in November. My dh and I are considering a very brief visit to my sisters so that we can be there on his birthday. Not sure.
  2. Social worker will absolutely be involved. And yes I agree about contract (although its hard with FASD kids). It's just tough all around. I hold out for hope that this is the answer but the reality is, my boy has huge issues. But in the moment, it's a huge relief for dh and I.
  3. My niece is very loving. She's had some challenges in her own life including tumultuous teen years. So I think she thinks she can relate to him. She does have three children herself. (I'm the second youngest of seven kids so I have a mess of nieces and nephews that are in their thirties, including this niece,) I don't know how it will work but they are considering it for the long haul.
  4. So I it looks like ds will move in with my niece and her family next week at least for the moment. She lives two hours away from his birthmother. I think ds has realized he can't live with her. She quit her part time job last week because she told him he could provide for him. It's bizarre. My niece and her husband invited him into their home. Honestly I don't know how that will work. She knows everything about him but thinks she has a report with him. My sister lives in same community. Oh and so does ds's bio sister. For the immediate it's a good choice and I'm very happy he'll be out of birthmom's craziness. My niece has told him she is looking for counciling for him (and a dentist...I guess his teeth are bad...how does that happen in two months)? If only the boy could see how much we (my dh and I and all our extended family) love him.
  5. Thanks for the clarification. Honestly, I think social services is sometimes as much at a loss of what to do with some kids as we as parents do. Worker did say she was going to connect with him yesterday. I will follow up with her today.
  6. Well now I have wrecked my makeup before work because this brough tears to my eyes. Thanks for understanding. We love our boy so much and want the best for him. It's a day by day journey getting there.
  7. I don't really want to go into details but we could not physically remove this boy. (He has been physically threatening to us in the past to the point of requiring police.). He is not your average kid. He has significant special needs and deep seated anger. At this point he couldn't even come back into our home directly because of the threat he poses to our family. My daughter lives in fear of his return. This is not a simple case of teenage angst. reactive attachment disorder is ...indescribable. So, if he's coming back it can't be because we forced him. Which we couldn't anyway. And if we could he'd just run a way. When he wants to come home we can lay the groundwork for his return. Honestly, there's no manual for what we're doing. We are doing what we think is right. Who knows? We may not be right. FASD shows its face in different ways. I have two boys with FASD it's just that in our youngest it also came with RAD.
  8. Yes we know. We knew before hand. She told him. Social services told us she's not dangerous (physically). He doesn't have to be there even for one more minute. He even has his bio sister who lives within walking distance (she's an adult). It is horrible. It hurts me to think about it. He can leave. I mean my sister and dd were there a week ago. He could have gone home with her. He doesn't want to and that's the problem. And even if she somehow was keeping him there under duress he could still leave. He's twice her size AND he could signal us and we'd have him out of there instantly. (He has physically moved me and I am not a small woman.) But I agree, it's horrible.
  9. Thanks for the terminology. I googled trying to find better words to describe her state but couldn't find anything. The dose of reality is good. We spoke at length about her mental illness because we/he knew before he left this was a concern.
  10. My mother's heart of course feels concern. I just can't explain why that won't work with this boy. As an example, I just had a congenial chat with him about nothing serious just a few minutes ago (Via messaging). He says to me school was great today and he thinks he'll give staying another shot. So I bite (he doesn't know I know) by saying good school is going well and said to him "it's been a tough week hey?" That got his hackles up. He asked me what did I mean by that. I told him he had posted on fb that he was thinking of heading back north (home) so I assumed things had transpired making him want to leave. No more response. Conversation over. We could not help this boy if he didn't want it. And it would make him angry. FASD/RAD ...it's indescribable and I think incomprehensible if you haven't had first hand experience (and even if you have ). But, my sister is reasonably close by and he knows they'd come whenever he called. It's such a complex situation. He's such a complex boy.
  11. Yes I now know his birthmother is having (and I'm not sure how to phrase this) a schizophrenic melt down. I think it's disconcerting for him. I guess her boyfriend tried to get her to hospital but she's been weeping nonstop and hallucinating. My niece told him her dad could be there in two hours to pick him up but he doesn't feel in danger, just confused at what he's seeing. I contacted social worker today. She is checking into things.
  12. We've had a tough week with our eldest son getting in some trouble, my dd going to her birthmother's funeral. Friday night I was feeling very overwhelmed telling dh I can't do it anymore (parenting FASD kids). Knowing their whole life will be a struggle, I sometimes wonder how we'll be able to continue this pace. There is no respite with FASD. Anyway, yesterday my dh and I good day shopping, going for lunch (andi had my nails done :)). On our way one I get a text from my niece saying "it looks like the sh**** hit the fan, referring tommy ds and his birthmother. My heart was pounding. on the one hand maybe he was coming home. On the other hand, how would we be able to handle this boy who has been out of control his whole life but now it could be worse than ever. So last night I bit the bullet and phoned him and he answered. He was a bit defensive to start but eventually said he's been thinking about it. (Actually i think he was choking up on the other end when he heard my voice but he claimed to be listening to his ipod thats why he wasnt talking.) I didn't say anything except that I was worried that something bad had happened causing him to want to leave and that I was just checking he was ok. He said everything was fine. I reiterated that he could call any time if he was in trouble. Call lasted ten minute. So I don't know what to make of this. He started school Friday which I know would have been stressful. I think I'll phone social worker and see if she can dig deeper.
  13. So it's not chicken pox. He did go to dr Friday. Dr told him rash was part of a virus. At that appointment (walk in clinic) my ds decided to mention his chronic stomach problems. (Did I mention he has suffered for years but refused to go to dr?) Dr did quick physical ...feeling glands, etc. and told my son he believes he has a thyroid issue. Thyroid can cause bowel issues (and depression, anxiety, etc.). So he had bloodwork and will see dr next week again. Here's the miracle. He texted my sister (who he had conferred with about his rash) and explained the thyroid problem then said "which means, if I would have listened to mom and gone to the dr I wouldn't be overweight, with horrible stomach issues today". Then when I got home from work he left a phone message asking me to call. In almost so many words he said "you were right mom". Those words do not flow easily from this boy's mouth. So a small miracle. I hope the bloodwork confirms thyroid issues so that he can start feeling better. School starts Tuesday. I'm curious how that will work. Also Tuesday my dd and sister will see ds after dd's birthmother's funeral. (My sister is baking him cookies..my recipe :).)
  14. Yes he's been vaccinated. We are slow vaccinators but because he has attended ps he even has his grade 9 booster. Who knows what the scheme is, if there is one.
  15. Me too. My sister will be in his city next week for a day. I will be interested in seeing if she can meet up with him (and dd, who is attending her birthmother's funeral). I asked dd if she wanted to see ds. I was kind of shocked to hear her say how angry she is at him for putting us through so much grief. (She's a very mellow personality.). I'm glad we have counciling for her.
  16. Here's a interesting update. My ds texted my sister day telling her he thinks he might have chicken pox! Seriously? Mumps earlier this month (turned out not to be) and now chicken pox? And why isn't his birthmother providing guidance? He always comes to us in times of trouble. After a back and forth conversation, my sister told him he needs to see a dr. (Oh, and she asked him if he's sure it's not ..in her words "insect bites"...aka fleas or bedbugs.) Haven't heard anything more since this morning. I think he might be gearing up for excuses to miss school which starts Tuesday. I'm sure he's scared. New school. Big city school.
  17. Thanks everyone for checking in. Nothing to update. Absolutely no news. My dd is leaving tomorrow for a scheduled visit with one of my sisters. Then She and my sister are heading to my dd's birth moms funeral on Tuesday. It's in the same city where my ds is. I'm not sure if they'll attempt to see ds. My dd is stressed enough so I'm not adding more to burden her but waiting to see if she brings it up. It's hard that I'm not going to funeral with dd. I just can't. Financially it's a strain (as it is it'll cost us $800 to send dd), my work schedule is packed, we have another ds with special needs and school starts next week (although I homeschool him). And, I don't think I could bear rejection from my youngest ds if I went to city where he is and he refused to see me. Which I think could happen. But my sister (13 years older than me) is a very good substitute and LOVES my dd. But of course I feel the mommy guilt. Next week school starts for him. I'm curious to see how that will work.
  18. Thanks for these comments. Our children all know their history and have always known. We've been very open and very respectful of their history. We adopted our dd (she was our first) from a private agency that dealt with open adoptions so we had a lot of counciling prior to bringing home our kids. As for going together him, this boy has been physical with us. If he doesn't want to come home we won't be able to make him (and if we could get him picked up by say police he would just run away.. He's done that before even any of this transpired. We are following council of social services. Not that we always agree but we need some objective, professional advice.
  19. Any money coming from social services is contingent on school attendance. If he doesn't go, social services will cut off funding. I predict that will happen. School has always been a disaster for him. I homeschooled until grade eight....I cried every single day...and I'm not exaggerating. He has been to three public schools, including one "alternate" school that supposedly accommodates kids like him.. It didnt work. I don't know how a very large public school with no idea of his need for an individual educational plan is going to work for him. His biggest factor in not succeeding in school....attendance. I could not make him go. Really. I wished you'd all know in real life. I am a fairly strong woman. And I get along with virtually anyone (i have to say virtually because I'm having a little problem with son's birthmother :)).I work as a senior manager in local government. I supervise people. I could not make my ds go to school. RAD is an unreal experience. If you've never had a RAD child, well it's hard to believe their behaviour. Next to a lack of attendance was an unwillingness to do what the teachers asked him to do. I hope I'm wrong and this school will be the miracle solution. But I kind of doubt it.
  20. No update. I know he's back in the city his birth mother lives (as opposed to where his birth sister and my sister and niece live). I know this because he answered my question, are you in (city) with a "yup". So for the first time he's with his birth mother alone. And now the pressure starts...registering him for school, etc. I would say the party will end quickly but I honestly didnt think he'd last as long as he has. It also means sporadic communication and no family contact. Thanks for asking.
  21. Quick update. Just got off phone with my sister. She picked him up at 11:30, took him to lunch, took him shopping and even got him over to her house. At her house she showed him her downstairs and told him that's where he could stay if he wanted or needed a place. She ended up buying him some jeans and socks and underwear along with the shoes. And a few groceries. Ds (who has always had stomach issues) did tell my sister he was having issues (I think constipated). I'm guessing he eats very little produce and he's always been a poor drinker of water.). So she gave him some Metamucil and reminded him to drink water. Overall she affirmed what we've known forever. My boy does/cannot believe we all love him. This is well known to me. He has often told me he doesn't "feel" loved. Dr says symptom of RAD. But my sister was a good advocate. He doesn't believe birth mom as a mental illness. He told my sister that he is confused having two moms. My sister did an outstanding job. And the icing on the cake! My niece took him for dinner. By himself. (Haven't heard feedback from that yet.) Another day. (Eldest son has been clammering to visit his birth sister. He has OCD so doesn't easily take no for an answer when het gets fixated on something. I told him we would take him maybe in fall (his bio sister lives in same town as where ds is now.. All my kids were adopted from same city. ). I want to say "please son, I can only deal with one family reunion at a time :)!")
  22. Good advice about walking away. My sister is a pretty tough cookie (she's 8 years older than me :)). I think she'll make a raucas if he doesn't come alone. The food isn't necessary for sure...I just can't not let my sister get a little fresh produce etc. maybe we're being too soft but next week when I know he's getting money we won't be buying anything.
  23. Here''s what transpired today. Last night I had emailed social worker with synopsis of call. Here's one benefit of living in a small town...the people know each other or get to know each other fairly easily. So even though I was rattled enough to wonder what birthmom or he is saying to social services...it turns out they know us well enough to know who is being truthful and who is trustworthy. So worker sent me email first thing this morning saying she had also spoken with Birthmom yesterday and she sensed irritability. Social services totally agrees with us not sending money and said our arrangements for shoes, etc were very reasonable. So today social services spoke to Birthmom and to my ds and told them to either take our arrangements or not but that's all they're getting. They also told the two of them that we have no obligation to support ds financially if he's choosing not to live with us. Also money will be deposited into my son's account for his needs. If he blows the money he won't get more and worker told us not to bail him out either. Birthmom actually won't be getting in "rent" assistance for the first three months (before last night's call social services was On the shoe front, my ds did phone my sister who is picking him up for lunch and shopping. She asked me about taking him food shopping for fresh produce, I said that is great. Just no cash. The beauty of tomorrow's arrangement with my sister is that it will be only the two of them. First time he'll be alone with my family. I'm tired tonight but way happier than last night.
  24. Honestly (and now the tears are flowing) I feel like my life has become a bad made for TV movie. I can't believe this mess.
  25. Thanks for listening ...and assuring me we're not being unreasonable. I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight. Sometimes it seems too overwhelming. My dh is so upset right now. As is my daughter. I just keep replaying the conversation in mymind. And the worst part? We so are willing to have a relationship with that woman. But I can't see that ever being likely given how she communicates with me. I am going to soak in a hot bath. Maybe that will help. (Someone posted about accidentally buying a bottle of southern comfort tonight.....I wished I were her neighbor :). )
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