It gets easier! :) Fwiw, my now 9yo son still has serious language delays, so I can't explain/reason with him verbally well either, but he's come a LONG way in learning how to communicate with us (both receptively and expressively) non-verbally (reading faces and body language and voice tone and such things). That has helped a lot, but it does take time. And his language is continuing to develop, but slowly. Back to the original question--how to help the siblings deal with it all--I think that's a big part of it too. Just like we have a hard time distinguishing what is bad behavior/character from what is truly a current limitation/disability is even harder for them. I try to help my NT 11yo understand and see the differences, not just in my ASD son, but in all people sometimes. It's challenging trying to be supportive, but not over-compensate; to scaffold for success, but still set limits; to recognize when it's time to stop vs time to push it. But it does usually get better! For both you and the kids (all of them). Sometimes, just pointing out to my NT ds when *I* am overwhelmed and can't process one more input at the time, and then taking that opportunity to point out that the same is often true for him or for his ASD brother, but just that there are different thresholds of how much each of us can take in and deal with at a given time, helps him (and me!) be more patient with each other. Then we work on all of us reading each other's body language so we can pick up on it without having to be TOLD! :) Pam <><

Sometimes I think it's a combination of both, meaning it's both the disability AND a character issue simultaneously. Just this morning, my ds wanted on the computer, but there's a few things he had to do first, including brushing his teeth and putting on a clean shirt. For some reason, this morning he didn't want to do either. He eventually did both. But as I studied him, I was noting how on the one hand he was being a brat in how he was behaving regarding the teeth brushing/dressing thing. But the fact that teeth brushing/dressing was for some reason a big deal to him today was totally a weirdo autism thing--there was no good reason for it (that I could see--HE certainly thought there was a good reason, I'm sure!). So, I find myself at times trying to be understanding of the disability part of it (why teeth/shirt were a big deal) while at the same time forming his character (sorry, little dude, but you really do have to start the day with clean teeth and a clean shirt, just like any other day, and having a fit is NOT going to get you out of it). Btw, if anyone's interested, he did finally brush his teeth (doubled checked by mom) though it was a while before he got around to it, and we later compromised on the shirt (as in, I found a favorite shirt instead of the ordinary one I initially suggested, and he decided that he could deal with changing shirts after all. Some battles are worth fighting--'thou shalt put on a clean shirt because that one's skanky'--and some aren't--'I don't care WHAT shirt, just so long as it's CLEAN!') Anyway, the root of Jman's problem today WAS an autism thing, but what he did with that problem was a character thing. Together, we were able to work through both, and now all is right with the world. It sure can be hard to tweak it all out sometimes though! Pam <><

Hi You might want to look into RDI for all the socio-cognitive-developmental stuff. It has all that stuff and more. If you really want to know where your kid is developmentally with regards to life, social, communication skills, etc, that's what the RDI objectives cover. They also get into academic objectives at the appropriate developmental stages. http://www.rdiconnect.com A great yahoo group is http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Autism-remediation-for-our-children/. There's also a yahoo group for homeschoolers doing RDI. And a great blog is http://www.aut2bhomeincarolina.blogspot.com. Sorry to be so brief--I promised my ds the computer and he's patiently waiting for me to hand it over! HTH Pam <><

From a friend's blog: Kids Who Are Different by Digby Wolfe Here's to the kids who are different, The kids who don't always get A's The kids who have ears twice the size of their peers, And noses that go on for days ... Here's to the kids who are different, The kids they call crazy or dumb, The kids who don't fit, with the guts and the grit, Who dance to a different drum ... Here's to the kids who are different, The kids with the mischievous streak, For when they have grown, as history's shown, It's their difference that makes them unique.

For us it really depends on the cause of the outburst. For example, if the real root of the problem is a sensory overload, then I don't handle it as a discipline issue. Instead, I try to get him the sensory fix he needs. If I see it coming in advance, then I'll try to get him that sensory fix before the outburst. Likewise, if it's because he's being asked to do something more challenging than he's able to do successfully, I'll try to scaffold or provide enough help and support that he can and will be successful and won't become overwhelmed and freak out. It really does serve double duty--it keeps him from reaching the breaking point so often, so there are fewer outbursts in general, and it has built up in his mind a collection of memories of being successful with our help and of trusting us, which also leads to better interactions, better relationships, greater success, and fewer outbursts. The other thing is that certain foods totally affect his behaviors and his thinking. If he's had artificial colors or dairy products, his emotions will be more volatile. If he's had apples, he'll be a space cadet. When we know he's eaten something he shouldn't, we just live with it, adjust our expectations, and help him through it. Now there ARE times where it's NOT the autism (or allergies). At the times where he's just being a buttheaded 9yo boy, he gets in trouble with consequences appropriate to the offense and with his ability to understand. I don't know that I'd say the child needs more 'structure' and not less, but what the child DOES need is all those times of success with mom and dad. Building a sense of competency in the child and the child's sense of trusting the parents to help guide them, to read them, to scaffold/help them when they need help, and also to let them do what they CAN do when they don't need help are very important for any kid's development, but especially important to remember with a spectrum kid. I think one of the reasons that kids will 'enjoy' us more when they have an outburst is because our reactions are so predictable. For a spectrum kid, who has difficulty processing change and uncertainty, being able to push a button that gets mom or dad to react in a KNOWN and predictable way is actually very comforting. Again, it goes back to trust and competence. As they gain competence through a history of highlighted successes with mom and dad, and they gain trust in mom and dad, the need to create that predictable response (if I do this then mom will do that, and I'll know what to expect and not have to think so hard) will be lessened as well. Which again, lessens the number of outbursts and the severity of outbursts. So, anyway, that's my spin on things. Our ds still has his moments. But they are fewer and farther between and not particularly impressive anymore, IMO, unless we're asking WAY too much of him without scaffolding for success OR he's eaten something that truly affects his physiological ability to self regulate. HTH Pam <><

You might want to look into RDI (Relationship Development Intervention, http://www.rdiconnect.com). RDI addresses the core deficits of autism, such as experience sharing, flexible thinking, dynamic analysis, etc. It begins with simple participation in simple co-regulatory activities, with a more experienced Guide (usually the parent) leading the less experienced Apprentice. Co-regulation preceded self-regulation in NT development, and physical co-regulatory activities are the prototype for much more complex co-regulatory activities such as a mutually meaningful 2way conversation with someone. RDI goes way beyond being a social skills program, but it most definitely develops social skills (and social reasoning and social relating and thinking and collaborating and more). There's also a great yahoo group for folks using or learning about RDI that a group of veteran parents started up, if you're interested: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Autism-remediation-for-our-children/ And there's another great yahoo group for folks who are homeschooling and doing RDI (RDI is VERY homeshcool friendly): http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HS-RDI/ HTH Pam <><

No, RDI is very different from DIR. The letters do get confusing, don't they? DIR/Floortime is more child-led, whereas RDI is parent-led through Guided Participation. There are other differences as well, but that's the most obvious one off the bat. Pam <><

We did ABA for 3 years, both at home and in school, when our ds was dx'd just before he was 3yo. I HIGHLY recommend that rather than doing ABA you instead look into RDI. http://www.rdiconnect.com ABA is wonderful for teaching your child skills and words, or for getting you through a particular situtation. After three years of very good ABA, we had a child with more skills and more words, but who was JUST as autistic as when we started. It wasn't until we ditched ABA and started RDI that we began to help him to become less autistic. And yes, he was (and is) still learning skills and words/language too. In addition, he is no longer viewed as a project, a burden, or even a family pet. RDI turned him back into our son, and turned us back into his parents instead of therapists. Feel free to email me if you want more info on RDI. There are some great blogs out there, yahoo groups, and plenty of info on "Guided Participation" (the underpinnings of RDI). Likewise, I also recommend looking into some of the biomed interventions. Autism is not a psychological disorder, but a bio-neurological disorder. Some of the biomed stuff (like special diets, supplements, etc) can help a lot with certain biological aspects of the disorder (and the resulting impact on the autistic behaviors and learning). RDI works on the neural underconnectivity issues inherent in autism (unlike ABA). Mostly, though, remember that your child is still a real person, a real child, and the same person that she was before she received an official dx. She's not a project. She's your daughter, and just as human as you. If you can keep that in mind, it'll help you both along the way! Pam <><

I can see two major effects in our house. First, we don't do a lot of group activities or co-op kinds of things, because one of my kiddoes has autism, and it's just too much for him (and me) to deal with. So the sibling has I supposed missed out on some stuff like that (but not everything--we just pick and choose much more carefully). Second, he's learned about life and priorities and relationships and values that he probably wouldn't have learned from just books/school. Some things you just have to live through to really understand and appreciate. He may have missed out on some activities/classes/studies that he & I would have enjoyed, but he's a better person overall for having his special needs brother (and so am I). Pam <><

I totally agree. The cooperative attitude is the most important thing to work on at this point, for any kid, but especially for a kid on the spectrum. There are 2 ways to approach working on that. One is to get him to 'comply,' and the other is to help him want to work with and learn from you, which is very challenging for a person on the spectrum who has difficulty referencing others faces/actions, inferring their intentions, and trusting them to lead them when things are uncertain. That's what so cool about RDI--it works on overcoming those challenges to help the child become a willing apprentice to mom/teacher rather than just someone who follows the rules (though there is a lot to be said for that too sometimes!) But definitely working on that teamwork relationship is key to long term success, especially when he gets into higher grades that require more analysis and teamwork. Unfortunately for a kid on the spectrum, the uncooperative attitude is usually rooted in an inability/deficiency in being able to work well with someone and isn't just about attitude. Given the right leadership and scaffolding, folks on the spectrum can overcome those challenges and become good team players. Pam <><

RDI works on social & cognitive development in folks on the spectrum, and is very homeschool friendly. Some folks who begin RDI (at ANY age, even COLLEGE age) do decide to take a year or so off from academics and just work on some of the stage 1 RDI objectives and developing their relationship with their child (referred to in the RDI world as a Master/Apprentice relationship or in terms of Guided Participation, depending upon where you're reading). At later stages, RDI actually incorporates academic objectives into the program if you haven't already. RDI is compatible with many forms of schooling/homeschooling, but may be most compatible with the Charlotte Mason philosophy (both of which closely follow the concepts of Vygotsky). A great book to learn more about Vygotsky/Guided Participation is _Awakening Children's Minds_ by Dr Laura Berk. You can talk with other homeschoolers doing RDI & CM at this yahoo group: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/CM_RDI/ and to other RDI homeschoolers in general at this yahoo group: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HS-RDI/ And learn more about RDI in general here: http://www.rdiconnect.com. A couple fantastic blogs for folks homeschooling spectrum kids are: http://aut2bhomeincarolina.blogspot.com/ http://www.niffercoo.blogspot.com/ Anyone, hopefully something in there will help. We homeschool our ds10 (NT) and my ds almost 9yo with ASD. His thing at 6 was trains. And while trains still are his favorite thing (all probably always will be!), he is into so much more now too. Cooking was popular while we were indoors this winter (loves to help in the kitchen now when he can), and now he's looking forward to the return of camping weather. He'll help out around the house, is reading some and writing (which is neat because he is also language disordered), and is just a fantastic kid and getting better all the time. Pam <><

Yes, diet can truly affect behavior. There are foods/additives that tend to be more commonly a problem (like gluten or dairy or artificial anything), but it could be something else too (apples for one of my dc, oats for the other). Going gluten free is intimidating at first, but it doesn't have to be that hard. My suggestion is to begin with eating more of things that just don't have gluten in them rather than finding gf-substitute foods. For example, eat meat and veggies for dinner rather than trying to create a gf pizza or sandwiches. Eat bacon and eggs for breakfast rather than trying to create gf pancakes or waffles. After a while, you can start trying for gf-substitute foods. There are LOTS of good recipes and mixes out there now. But I still think it's easiest to just eat foods that happen to be gf ANYWAY rather than trying to replace gluten with substitutes. What do I feed my gf child? Well, he's also cf (casein/dairy free) and apple free (and pineapple free) and feingold (no artificial stuff). Sounds hard, doesn't it? It's not, though. He eats meats, veggies, fruits, gfcf cereal (with gfcf substitute milk, like soy milk or almond milk). He also eats gfcf pizza, waffles, cookies, cakes, and other assorted junk food. He eats natural popsicles, icees, sorbets. Popcorn (with 'fake' butter), chips & salsa, gfcf pretzels. Honestly, he eats pretty darn good. When we go out to restaurants, he's our steak & fries or burger & fries guy (though if he were a true celiac, we'd have to be far more careful about the fries--they are often cross contaminated), or we take stuff from home for him (like if we go to the local pizza joint. we take him his own gfcf pizza). No, the whole family does not follow the diet. However, we generally DO eat the same meals as he does (really, it's just good eating!), and we thoroughly enjoy lots of 'his' food (Gluten Free Pantry brand chocolate truffle brownie mix makes THE best brownies!). So, while we don't follow his diet, we do enjoy a lot of it ourselves. We are perpetually commenting how he's not suffering--he eats GOOD! How to know if your kid has this problem? There can be a huge variety of indicators. "Is This Your Child?" which has been recommended is a great resource. We tried it because our ds is autistic and it seems to help a lot of folks on the spectrum. He's one of them, we found. He does MUCH better gfcf/apple free/feingold (GI wise, socio-emotionally, cognitively, etc, across the board). HTH Pam <><

No problem! Pam <><

Hey again She IS busy and not on the new boards right now, but told me to go ahead and post her blog link, so here it is: http://www.niffercoo.blogspot.com/ HTH Pam <><

I am, but I don't have a public blog. You're thinking of Niffercoo. I'll let her come on and post her own blog link. Another fantastic homeschooling RDI blog is http://www.aut2bhomeincarolina.blogspot.com. HTH Pam <><