Danestress
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Posts posted by Danestress
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But the point was clear.....know exactly who you are marrying, know their families, know how their friends view them, know their friends, know their values, etc......
And don't let the little stuff bug you once you are married, focus on that big picture.
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I married quickly without knowing DH well. I definitely didn't follow this first piece of advice, and am grateful every day that I made a perfect choice by dumb luck. But I think that the advice is perfect. I will tell my boys this if they ask.
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I am not a great gift giver.
I had an old friend visit for a week recently. After she left, she sent me a few things as a thank you that reflected a characteristic level of thoughtfulness. She just pays attention to people and notices things.
She noticed that my silicone spatula was ripped, asked if I like using it, and one was included in the box. She sent me a book I had mentioned wanting to read. She sent Bluetooth earbuds because I had mentioned that when my husband works at home, I miss being able to listen to podcasts as I do housework.
I aspire to that type of thoughtfulness.
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I'm with you Dawn. Don't tell me there is only one right way.
I was at a dinner the other night. There was a young couple and they actually were inviting, 'your best advice for newlyweds' type discussion. The rest of us had all been married 20 years or more. It was actually a nice time with close friends sharing, but I left wondering if DH and I are headed for divorce - even though we are a a very very happy couple and have never had big marriage issues.
Everyone's advice was along the lines of, "Talk. Talk. Talk. Talk about every problem. Listen actively and repeat what you are hearing. Talk more."
I would die. Please. Let's not talk about every hurt feeling or possible criticism. Talking can help solve issues, but it can also create them, and it's tedious. Let's just see if it's still a problem in a few days. Make tea a lot. "Least said, soonest mended." I didn't say much because everyone else's seems so sure, and I know what has worked for DH and I might be terrible advice in some marriages.
I think the best way to do any relationship is the way that makes both people able to be their best selves. I am not raising 'kid." I am raising three actual people (actually I am done raising them). I am not married to men. I am married to DH.
I actually sometimes think my childless sister and friends have great input because they can see my kids without reflecting them off their own kids. They have no ego in it. They can think objectively.
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He's a teenager. A sleepless night won't kill him, even if he is hungry and thirsty. Surely he can bear that an avoid the risk.
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"How nice. I hope the trip to Europe and all that time at the beach won't impact her ability to get this done by the deadline."I will give you all the link and if you would like to contribute, you can."
Um.......WHAT???????
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Tell your friend I'm so sorry and I understand. We lost our son Monday -- also found in his apartment. I so understand.
((((Linda)))) I am so sorry.
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Take these as facts:
Across the general population, 12% of people will develop a certain disease by age 65.
There are six genotypes that indicate risk (but not certainty - none is a guarantee of developing or not developing that disease).
A person with the "highest risk" genotype had a 12 times greater risk of developing that disease by 65 than average.
2% of people in the population have this high risk genotype.
Assume there are no other factors that are relevant (no other risk factors, no protective lifestyles or treatment).
How would you calculate the risk of a person who has the riskiest genotype? What other information would you need to know?
The thing I am hung up on is that we aren't comparing people with the riskiest genotype to a person with a different genotype, but with the average risk of all people, which includes other people with that genotype.
Anyone?
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Ironically, both the vehicles are in my name only. The reason for that is all practical. The BMV is only open during his work hours, so I just go do it rather than us trying to take forever figuring out how to get him there.
Find the time. I have heard from multiple friends that the process of transferring a title from one name to two is so much easier than transferring it from one to another after a death. I have both cars in my name too, and we are going to take care of this soon. I don't want him to have that headache when he will have many other things to deal with should I die.
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Couldn't you just have 'his cash' and 'her cash' categories that aren't itemized beyond that? The each person could have an agreed to amount of money every month that could be used for personal saving or spending without accounting?
We don't track his way, but if we did, I would want that. I wouldn't like how it might affect our marriage for me to start recognizing and questioning every time he bought a Starbucks coffee or picked up lunch instead of packing. Likewise, I would not want him to start questioning me about downloading a book on Kindle when I could have checked it out from the library. But if we each had a small amount of money to spend without scrutiny, I think we would probably benefit financially by tracking all our other expenses.
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I think the desires and personality of the oldest child are what really determines how this works out. My sister and I were six and eight years old when my parents had a third daughter. I was absolutely thrilled, deeply invested in being a good sister, and she has been an absolute blessing on my life. Six years isn't that much though.
My oldest (only, at the time) son was 10 when his twin brothers were born. Obviously he didn't have a peer type relationship with them in their childhood. But he was always very engaged with them. He was my least motivated child in high school. Despite his high intelligence, he was an average student. He was not ambitious about sport or other activities. But consequently he had more time in his teens to be around the house. He gave his brothers a lot of time and energy. He protected them, entertained them, and enjoyed them.
We made sure he always had his own room and allowed him to make it off limits to them. We tried not to burden him with their care. For the most part, I allowed him to have a level of authority to direct them. I think those things helped. I do think most of the reason they are so close is because of the character and personality of my oldest son - and partly because my twins were agreeable, easy boys.
My oldest is 29 now and they are in college. He still does a great job keeping up with them, and is very much a part of their lives.
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My son was ten when his twin brothers were born. I think he appreciated being recognized - it's definitely the thought that counts in this situation. I might give them things to do. Depending on the kid - books, art supplies, some kind of kit to build, or even movies.
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No. We pay them. But our deductible has a family cap that we can manage. If he were in his own plan or without insurance, those bills would likely be much higher.
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But I feel like at this point I have made people so uncomfortable that potshots are being taken from any random direction - the poor throw trash everywhere too! how dare you imply students don't choose where to go to school! who can say what a "social norm" is, really? - so I will bow out. That poor kid is still dead, though.
Apparently you took my questions personally. I did not intend to makes a "potshot." I was sincerely asking you to elaborate on what you said. You seem to care a lot about these issues, and they are important.
I see this is as two issues, a question of what institutions and societies can do about an obvious problem on college campuses, and a question about the decisions individual families make.
While we can share our ideas and have respectful discussions about how to make decisions regarding our own kids, ultimately I have to make my decisions and you have to make yours. I don't see the value of attacking each other's choices.
But on some level, colleges, communities, and larger society need to respond to this problem on college campuses. We read about tragedies that result from impulsive and distructive behavior, much of which appears to be built around a party culture, and we want to see that culture change. I was asking questions about how much we can change and how to go about it.
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What exactly is to stop us from developing widespread social norms against this behavior? How would making sure young people, still developing, are supervised to behave in a civilized manner take away the libraries and professional schools and laboratories and specialized institutes?
I'm interested in your statement above. What specific social norms would you like to see developed regarding this age group? How would we ensure that young adults will buy into those norms? What would that look like? I'm not entirely sure how to clearly define what a social norm is. For example, does the high rate of adultery in the US mean that adultery is a "social norm?" We know that some colleges are plagued with high levels of binge drinking, and see the consequences of that behavior, but is binge drinking a social norm? Or is it just something we know occurs?
What do you mean by making sure young adults are "supervised" (speaking about wider society and not individual parents controlling their own offspring). To what extent can supervision make sure young adults "behave in a civilized manner." Can a society guarantee that anyone or any group behaves in a civilized manner? We punish bad behavior and try to reduce bad behavior, but do you have any vision of how we can actually prevent bad behavior?
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To me it seemed as if the writer formed all of her ideas about professional life by listening to college commencement addresses.
She consistently speaks of working life as the pursuit of "excellence," but in my experience most professionals are not daily consumed with "excellence." They are more likely thinking about doing things "very well." It's a reasonable choice to merely strive to be competent, diligent, knowledgeable, wise, efficient, and ethical. Can we even agree what professional excellence means?
She writes about raising children as if there is no room for skill or competence. Also, only fathers in Portland and New York are primary caregivers. Do they really not have that in Texas?
She seems to see women as working primarily for themselves - to satisfy their need for "excellence," to gain recognition and respect, for materialist reasons. She doesn't seem to recognize that women (like men) also work because they are nurturing, loving, committed parents who want to provide adequate food and shelter. They want to educate their children and pay for art, music, or sports training, for travel, for long term security.
Sometimes we limit our options out of fear or self doubt. Some of the young women she is counseling aren't even in relationships yet! They can devote all the energy they want to individual achievement. They may need to have the faith in themselves to reprioritize as circumstances change. Perhaps they will later decide to surrender the pursuit of professional exceptionalism in favor of professional competence. Most of us would not tell our children that they should not finish school unless they can achieve an excellent GPA, that musical education's only reasonable goal is perfection, that sports are worthwhile only for those who are exceptional. Perhaps these women will choose to revise their professional goals, and I hope if they do so, they can do so with pride.
Deciding to stay at home to raise kids is a perfectly reasonable choice (and was my own choice). However, whether at home or at work, the burden of perfectionism can be painful. I don't want my children to believe that their professional lives must be consumed with striving for some unreachable ideal of excellence. I would rather see them set reasonable goals in whatever pursuit, care about doing things well, pay attention to the details, and value a job well done even if not done perfectly. I hope they do not burden their children with the idea that work is not worth doing unless the results are somehow exceptional. I hope that if they or their spouses leave the workforce to raise children, they will take pleasure not just in their relationships, but also in reaching (different) goals, learning new things, pursuing new skills.
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These are the stickiest of issues. Been there, done that. I I finally decided that I would not hold one of my twins back because of the pride of the other. They did better with it than I thought,
They are in college now - states apart - and are really proud of each other's accomplishments.
It's probably easier with twins then with an age gap like yours, but I think with daughters I would be even less inclined to place a daughter below her natural level. Women get pressure their whole lives to restrict their ambition, downplay their accomplishments, and deflect credit for their achievements. I would err on the side of promoting her academic reach.
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Can you not reach DH at all? If he wanted it, I would be inclined to defer (since you seem to have at least some bit of willingness to consider it) If he objects, I would tell MIL that you don't think it's a good idea while DH is out of town. When he gets back, he can break it to her.
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Custody determinations are ideally about what is in the best interests of the child (or should be). What is 'fair' to each parent is not the standard. Courts can try to divide financial assets 'fairly,' but should not focus on what is 'fair' to parents with respect to custody.More and more custody is 50/50. So there is no parent with more time than the other. So one parent should be able to up and move? That makes no sense to me.
'Best interests of the child' may be a subjective determination, and one that is made by a person who carries opinions and biases. Judges may get it wrong sometimes. But ideally a court looks at the facts presented to it and tries to figure out what is going to be in the child's interests. That might mean the custodial parent moves and the noncustodial parent, through no fault of his or her own, suffers a loss of time with the child. Or it may be that custody is transferred to the other parent. Either way, the child is losing something too, but Judges are forced to make decisions when parents can't.
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I probably would say something to any adult neighbor who drove like that on my street. To an adult son I might say, "I know you are an adult, but I saw how you drove the other night and was upset about it. There people walking, driving and playing in this neighborhood, and they have a right to do so without that kind of recklessness. As your mother, I also very much hate to see you put yourself at risk of making a mistake that could change your life forever.
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Can you use an emery board to sand the nail a bit from the top to make it less likely to snag? Then you could put on a finger cot. http://www.webstaurantstore.com/medi-first-latex-finger-cots-144-box/57770435.html?utm_source=Google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=GoogleShopping&gclid=CjwKEAjw5_vHBRCBtt2NqqCDjiESJABD5rCJJXsZGmERgE_3fKTVujf8aI0QXtDnNyMEKc5vAxv2kBoCrB3w_wcB
I am afraid to file it, but a finger cot is a brilliant thing that I did not even know existed! Thanks!
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I cracked the nail on my thumb to almost the halfway point. I keep my nails short so there is nothing to cut off from the end, but the nail is jagged across the surface. I don't think I can do much until it grows out, but I need to protect it, and bandaids/waterproof tape are not cutting it.
To keep it from snagging, I could apply multiple layers of clear polish, I guess? Or maybe cover the nail with superglue?
This seems like such a stupid thing, but I am wanting to do all the housework, yard work, cooking etc I normally do, and this is making it hard! I am not vain about how solutions look, but bandaids/tape quickly get gross!
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So while there are plenty of reasons to take less pay for a regular gig, there's a whole healing lot of reasons not to too.
Sure. I would never want to do in-home childcare for many reasons, including low pay and the headaches you described. My point was just that figuring out the hourly rate for regular daycare is not an appropriate guide for what to pay a babysitter, in my opinion.
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That's about what I and most other people make here for in-home childcare. The minimum wage here is just over $10 an hour.
But in home child care is different. Often there is more than one child for whom to be paid. The sitter is in her own home and often caring for her own children. People pay less per hour for group settings either in home or in a center.
When someone comes to your house on a babysitting gig, she's giving up her full time and all the other things she could be doing. If it's a regularly scheduled, dependable commitment by both parties, sometimes one will do that for less.
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So basically the message is that a young woman's time is worth $3.33 an hour.
No thanks. Not a message I would want my (imaginary) daughter to absorb.
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Is your house in both your name and your spouse's name?
in The Chat Board
Posted
How long did it take to get the letter of administration?
My worry would be that until the estate is settled and all creditors accounted for, property can't be distributed. So if I died tomorrow, DH would have two cars in my name. He could drive them, but could not sell one or transfer one to one of our kids, he couldn't register them in a different state if he wants to move, etc. If they were properly titled, this would be easier.