bodiesmom
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Posts posted by bodiesmom
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NM
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Preach it…
my sentiments exactly as well
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Thank you, both, for your replies. I just feel like I didn't spend enough time with her to ask this of her, but I'm also attempting to enter the workforce after an 18 year hiatus so what do I know. 🙂
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Quick question, Hive,
I am wanting to apply for some entry-level jobs within our home school district. I volunteered over the summer for approximately 7 days (2.5 hours a day) in an Art & Garden Club at the elementary school. Would it be appropriate to ask the teacher I volunteered under if I could use her as a reference, or no?
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2 hours ago, Scarlett said:
I can’t imagine any divorce is easy, but yes what you are going through and what many of us have gone through is traumatizing. I would not say permanently though. At all. You will get through this and you will have happy days ahead. And they will be happier than when you were married to a man who could do such a thing to you.
You have one thing going for you that will make your life easier. No little children for whom you will have to navigate visitation. That was the most difficult for me. Having to hand over my son to him every other weekend when my son and I had never been apart. And then when the divorce was over taking my son around the other woman.
So I am happy you won’t have to endure that. Just one step at a time. Listen to your attorney. And if you need some private support there are several here including myself who have been through this. Do you have some IRL support?
((((hugs))))
Thank you for this- I am so thankful my kids aren’t little.
I do have a little irl support but not much. I’ll take what I can get though.
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I just wanted to update a little...I got some answers to my questions regarding finances and have the appropriate steps to take.
I was completely numb last week and then the weekend hit and it was bruuuuutal. I feel like I'm going to be permanently traumatized from this and it's just the beginning.
I am so sorry for all who have gone through this. 😥
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42 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:
I would like to add something.
I’ve watched a lot of these kinds of divorce situations go down on this board, and this one absolutely stinks to high heaven of
1). Him hiding assets
2). Him being involved with another woman
Even if you think one or both of these is unlikely, please take this seriously. It’s more likely than not. This is The Pattern.
CarolinCa-
Your 2nd point has crossed my mind just given how quickly and callously he is going about this, but it’s good to hear from others- I’ve been told I over exaggerate on everything so I do doubt myself.
Your 1st point concerns me because it’s been mentioned before. This, to say the least, is not my area of knowledge whatsoever. Could you share with me why you suspect this and what possible scenarios you see happening?
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Question-
1. The lawyer I meet with on Monday is a phone consultation. I’ve been asked to send in any documents that I might want her to review beforehand and I did. Would it be appropriate to write up a brief synopsis of my background, such as my history including working, staying home, homeschooling, where the kids currently are, expressing my desire to stay as long as possible until youngest graduates, etc. and send that in ahead of time as well?
I know all of this will be discussed during the consult but it might be helpful for her to have the background going into the consult because I honestly know my mind is going to freeze up and I’m going to become a blubbering idiot. I do so much better in person than on phone.So- good idea, or no?
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2 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:
At the very least take out enough to cover an initial lawyer fee.
Thank you for this- I do have enough in my separate account that I just opened to cover the three consults I have next week.
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Also, regarding documentation of his narcissistic tendencies, I have been keeping a journal that outlines behaviors and specific situations that date back to the start of our marriage. However, I don’t think that would mean anything since I live in a no fault state.
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So here’s my concern over taking half of our savings and placing it into my separate account…
I am completely financially dependent on him at this time. If I move some of that cash, that would be seen as an aggressive move in his eyes and then what would stop him from completely cutting me off from those direct deposits from his paycheck?
I have a lawyer consult on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. -
Thank you EVERYONE for your hugs, shared experiences, and words of wisdom. My apologies for posting and ditching...I've been out securing a separate checking account with extra funds in in it. I also contacted several more attorneys as well as therapists.
My name is indeed on the HELOC.
Thank you for the reminder to stash cash away during grocery trips and curriculum selling. It seems so obvious but...my mind is very scattered at the moment. Also, good reminder on keeping all future communication regarding the impending divorce in writing, especially given his NPD traits concerning communication.
My heart is full of love and gratitude towards you all, but my mind is short on words. Please know how much each and every post means to me at this...insane period of time. ❤️
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Edited for privacy
Thank you everyone ❤️
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To have my back, to take up for me when the occasion presents itself
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1 hour ago, Tiberia said:
In that case, I would probably tell mom that the other two can have all the sentimental items. I wouldn't play the game. Then if she wants to, she could designate some things especially for you. That might get her to listen to you. Or maybe not.
I'm glad you're standing firm for DS on this one.
Oddly enough, I’ve already told her something along these lines long ago. I didn’t want to fight over anything- it just isn’t worth it. And yet here I am involved in this “fight”…sigh….but it’s absolutely worth it.
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1 hour ago, fraidycat said:
I know it had to be hard to draw that boundary. Great job on not appeasing the appeaser or the hissy fit thrower!
If you haven't already, I would probably still let DS know about what happened, because they may try to make an end-run around you and guilt him into returning it. So, give him a heads up about the boundary you have set.
Good point, fraidycat. Thankfully, he left the item here at home before returning to finish out his spring semester at college.
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4 hours ago, Annie G said:
No matter how this particular incident is resolved, (and I think ds should be allowed to keep it), it’s time to talk to your mom about how their sentimental items will be distributed upon their passing. Ideally it will be discussed with the siblings together and written down. Without it, your brother is going to be a Big Problem when they’re gone. Even if you’re the executor he can annoy and harass you, and you having the right to decide how things are distributed is easier if you have some guidance re your folks’ wishes.
2 hours ago, fraidycat said:This is great advice. Several years ago, my parents held a family meeting when they were updating their wills. We were to speak for and agree to sentimental item distribution at that meeting. As new items came into my parents' possession, if any of us expressed desire to add or swap on our list, Mom would check with other siblings for agreement then update the list.
This was a very valuable piece of paper after my Dad passed and Mom was distributing his items, because I have one sibling who is very much like the OP's brother. The pre-agreed upon list saved tons of family drama and will again in the future.
This is how healthy families do it. My mom insists on doing it "her way". She recently expressed how all three of us are going to have to "duke it out" for whatever is remaining after she passes. 🤬 I called her out on that but she paid me no attention.
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1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:
The appeaser often is clueless as to how that behavior affects EVERYONE. Sometimes it has to be spelled out in detail that the tantrum throwers bull crap is starting to stick to the appeaser.
Very good point. This is what I've tried to explain to my mom for years. It's been spelled out and drawn out in great detail. She's not clueless, she's in denial. This lasted incident really struck a nerve with me because it involved my kiddo...I'm still so very angry with her. I'm not cutting her off, but boy do I really want to right now. Ugh.
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4 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:
Also, bodiesmom, you may want to just have a chat with your mom. If she had never mentioned anything in passing, brother wouldn’t have had a reason to react. But mostly to let her know you are a safe person for her (of course that’s only if you want to be). With your father in decline, she is possibly a prime candidate for elder abuse by this bully of a son.
Thank you, GraceHopper,
Unfortunately my mom is very complicit in this codependent relationship they have going on. Her parenting style was/is extremely dysfunctional and this current situation is par for the course in this toxic family culture.
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3 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:
"Mother, you do realize that by giving in to brother or even by bringing this up to my son, you will likely alienate my son from you and his uncle. That was a gift that was freely given and it means quite a bit to him. You are basically telling my son that his uncle's drama and hissy fit is more important to you than my son's feelings. If that's how you want to be, then ok, But know that this will affect how my son views you as his grandmother and his uncle. And also, it will give him a level of regret about how he wanted to memorialize his grandfather. If that is the kind of grandmother that you want to be to your grandchildren, fine. Just know that bringing this up to my son will cause all of that. And keep in mind too that this will not only affect my son's feelings about you, but my feelings and my other children's too. "
I totally used this except I tweaked it at the end to make it clear that there was no longer an option of them trying to get it returned.
Thank you for this!
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Thank you EVERYONE for your input and sharing your stories. I sat and pondered the helpful advice given in this thread and realized that I needed to do everything I could to protect my ds20's memories of what was likely his last visit with grandpa. I just sent an email to my mom explaining that "I" am keeping this sentimental item and am not returning it. I asked her not to contact ds20 because I was making the decision for him. Initially I wanted to leave that decision up to ds20, but as a pp's mentioned/alluded to, regardless of the outcome his entire experience would be tainted. And I didn't want that.
The minute I sent the email I felt an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. Yes, my relationship with my brother is most likely damaged beyond repair (I can't help how he reacts to this) and my relationship with my mom is even more fractured than ever, but I'm oddly ok with that given the latest stunt they both tried to pull. Hopefully with time and continued boundaries it can heal, though I'm not too hopeful about it at the moment.
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I'm the oldest of three (younger brother and sister). At the beginning of the year my dad moved into a memory care home due to late stage dementia. On a recent visit, my mom told ds20 to go back into grandpa's barn to find anything he wanted to take for sentimental value. Ds20 is very close to his grandfather and spent a lengthy amount of time looking around. When he found the item he wanted, my mom happily gave it to him.
About a week later my brother was visiting mom when she mentioned in passing what ds20 chose as his sentimental item. My brother lost it and lashed out at my mom. Now, this brother is the "hot-head" of the family and is known for blaming everyone else for all his troubles. My mom has a long, long history of appeasing this brother to "keep the peace". This brother has also previously been given two of the most coveted sentimental items. My sister and I have yet to choose anything. Needless to say there is a lot of dysfunction within my family that I've mostly been able to keep at arm's length (in part due to moving 2 states away).
Mom contacted me last night saying she made a big mistake and asked me to ask ds20 to return the item. I expressed my immense anger over the request in as respectful of a manner as I could, and said that I would not ask ds20 to return the item. I made it clear that if they wanted the item back, they would have to ask him themselves. Unfortunately, now that this dysfunction is reaching towards my young adult son, mama bear mode is swiftly kicking in (and I'm trying to reign it in).
I'm feeling like I need to give him a heads-up as to what is coming his way (which will no doubt include a guilt-trip and a load of excuses as to why my brother needs to be appeased). It is not my desire to tell him to return it nor to keep it, rather I just want to give him some lee-way to think through his reaction/response before responding to the request to return his sentimental item. WWYD?
I'm running on very little sleep due to ruminating on this all night. My apologies if this doesn't make sense or if not enough details were given. I'll attempt to clarify as needed.
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1 hour ago, Carrie12345 said:
Anyone using Walmart pickup, beware substitutions.
I don’t know if I missed a memo somewhere. If I did, I’m guessing others have. My WM has always price matched substitutions. But I cooked my chicken last night and the price tag got me thinking.
I had ordered a family pack of chicken breasts at $2.08/lb, and they had subbed a small pack of thin sliced breasts. I went back to my email and discovered they charged me $6.81 for 1.68lbs, or more than $4/lb for the privilege of a ‘service’ I didn’t want to begin with. Had I noticed, I would have rejected the sub.
I’m not saying it’s WRONG to offer subs at regular prices, but I wasn’t expecting it.
This same thing happened to me with WM this last week. Thankfully, I caught it before and denied the substitution.
SIL getting my son job ads… he’s 12
in The Chat Board
Posted
Ting Tang,
This isn’t an overreaction on your part at all. It’s hard for those who haven’t had to experience the angst of loyalty of family over marriage to understand.
One cannot fairly compare what happens in their “healthy” family dynamics to those of us with “unhealthy” family dynamics.
I hear you and see you and completely understand the pain this kind of insidious overstep inflicts. This is far more than a “difficult relationship” and I’m so sorry you are experiencing this.
Please, fellow boardies, if you haven’t experienced the soul-crushing impact this type of family dynamic has on every aspect of your life, then refrain from minimizing her pain.