Ting Tang, This isn’t an overreaction on your part at all. It’s hard for those who haven’t had to experience the angst of loyalty of family over marriage to understand. One cannot fairly compare what happens in their “healthy” family dynamics to those of us with “unhealthy” family dynamics. I hear you and see you and completely understand the pain this kind of insidious overstep inflicts. This is far more than a “difficult relationship” and I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. Please, fellow boardies, if you haven’t experienced the soul-crushing impact this type of family dynamic has on every aspect of your life, then refrain from minimizing her pain.

NM

NM

Preach it… my sentiments exactly as well

Thank you, both, for your replies. I just feel like I didn't spend enough time with her to ask this of her, but I'm also attempting to enter the workforce after an 18 year hiatus so what do I know. 🙂

Quick question, Hive, I am wanting to apply for some entry-level jobs within our home school district. I volunteered over the summer for approximately 7 days (2.5 hours a day) in an Art & Garden Club at the elementary school. Would it be appropriate to ask the teacher I volunteered under if I could use her as a reference, or no?

Thank you for this- I am so thankful my kids aren’t little. I do have a little irl support but not much. I’ll take what I can get though.

I just wanted to update a little...I got some answers to my questions regarding finances and have the appropriate steps to take. I was completely numb last week and then the weekend hit and it was bruuuuutal. I feel like I'm going to be permanently traumatized from this and it's just the beginning. I am so sorry for all who have gone through this. 😥

CarolinCa- Your 2nd point has crossed my mind just given how quickly and callously he is going about this, but it’s good to hear from others- I’ve been told I over exaggerate on everything so I do doubt myself. Your 1st point concerns me because it’s been mentioned before. This, to say the least, is not my area of knowledge whatsoever. Could you share with me why you suspect this and what possible scenarios you see happening?

Question- 1. The lawyer I meet with on Monday is a phone consultation. I’ve been asked to send in any documents that I might want her to review beforehand and I did. Would it be appropriate to write up a brief synopsis of my background, such as my history including working, staying home, homeschooling, where the kids currently are, expressing my desire to stay as long as possible until youngest graduates, etc. and send that in ahead of time as well? I know all of this will be discussed during the consult but it might be helpful for her to have the background going into the consult because I honestly know my mind is going to freeze up and I’m going to become a blubbering idiot. I do so much better in person than on phone. So- good idea, or no?

Thank you for this- I do have enough in my separate account that I just opened to cover the three consults I have next week.

Also, regarding documentation of his narcissistic tendencies, I have been keeping a journal that outlines behaviors and specific situations that date back to the start of our marriage. However, I don’t think that would mean anything since I live in a no fault state.

So here’s my concern over taking half of our savings and placing it into my separate account… I am completely financially dependent on him at this time. If I move some of that cash, that would be seen as an aggressive move in his eyes and then what would stop him from completely cutting me off from those direct deposits from his paycheck? I have a lawyer consult on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.

Thank you EVERYONE for your hugs, shared experiences, and words of wisdom. My apologies for posting and ditching...I've been out securing a separate checking account with extra funds in in it. I also contacted several more attorneys as well as therapists. My name is indeed on the HELOC. Thank you for the reminder to stash cash away during grocery trips and curriculum selling. It seems so obvious but...my mind is very scattered at the moment. Also, good reminder on keeping all future communication regarding the impending divorce in writing, especially given his NPD traits concerning communication. My heart is full of love and gratitude towards you all, but my mind is short on words. Please know how much each and every post means to me at this...insane period of time. ❤️

Edited for privacy Thank you everyone ❤️

To have my back, to take up for me when the occasion presents itself

Oddly enough, I’ve already told her something along these lines long ago. I didn’t want to fight over anything- it just isn’t worth it. And yet here I am involved in this “fight”…sigh….but it’s absolutely worth it.

Good point, fraidycat. Thankfully, he left the item here at home before returning to finish out his spring semester at college.

This is how healthy families do it. My mom insists on doing it "her way". She recently expressed how all three of us are going to have to "duke it out" for whatever is remaining after she passes. 🤬 I called her out on that but she paid me no attention.

Very good point. This is what I've tried to explain to my mom for years. It's been spelled out and drawn out in great detail. She's not clueless, she's in denial. This lasted incident really struck a nerve with me because it involved my kiddo...I'm still so very angry with her. I'm not cutting her off, but boy do I really want to right now. Ugh.

Thank you, GraceHopper, Unfortunately my mom is very complicit in this codependent relationship they have going on. Her parenting style was/is extremely dysfunctional and this current situation is par for the course in this toxic family culture.

I totally used this except I tweaked it at the end to make it clear that there was no longer an option of them trying to get it returned. Thank you for this!

Thank you EVERYONE for your input and sharing your stories. I sat and pondered the helpful advice given in this thread and realized that I needed to do everything I could to protect my ds20's memories of what was likely his last visit with grandpa. I just sent an email to my mom explaining that "I" am keeping this sentimental item and am not returning it. I asked her not to contact ds20 because I was making the decision for him. Initially I wanted to leave that decision up to ds20, but as a pp's mentioned/alluded to, regardless of the outcome his entire experience would be tainted. And I didn't want that. The minute I sent the email I felt an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. Yes, my relationship with my brother is most likely damaged beyond repair (I can't help how he reacts to this) and my relationship with my mom is even more fractured than ever, but I'm oddly ok with that given the latest stunt they both tried to pull. Hopefully with time and continued boundaries it can heal, though I'm not too hopeful about it at the moment.

I'm the oldest of three (younger brother and sister). At the beginning of the year my dad moved into a memory care home due to late stage dementia. On a recent visit, my mom told ds20 to go back into grandpa's barn to find anything he wanted to take for sentimental value. Ds20 is very close to his grandfather and spent a lengthy amount of time looking around. When he found the item he wanted, my mom happily gave it to him. About a week later my brother was visiting mom when she mentioned in passing what ds20 chose as his sentimental item. My brother lost it and lashed out at my mom. Now, this brother is the "hot-head" of the family and is known for blaming everyone else for all his troubles. My mom has a long, long history of appeasing this brother to "keep the peace". This brother has also previously been given two of the most coveted sentimental items. My sister and I have yet to choose anything. Needless to say there is a lot of dysfunction within my family that I've mostly been able to keep at arm's length (in part due to moving 2 states away). Mom contacted me last night saying she made a big mistake and asked me to ask ds20 to return the item. I expressed my immense anger over the request in as respectful of a manner as I could, and said that I would not ask ds20 to return the item. I made it clear that if they wanted the item back, they would have to ask him themselves. Unfortunately, now that this dysfunction is reaching towards my young adult son, mama bear mode is swiftly kicking in (and I'm trying to reign it in). I'm feeling like I need to give him a heads-up as to what is coming his way (which will no doubt include a guilt-trip and a load of excuses as to why my brother needs to be appeased). It is not my desire to tell him to return it nor to keep it, rather I just want to give him some lee-way to think through his reaction/response before responding to the request to return his sentimental item. WWYD? I'm running on very little sleep due to ruminating on this all night. My apologies if this doesn't make sense or if not enough details were given. I'll attempt to clarify as needed.

This same thing happened to me with WM this last week. Thankfully, I caught it before and denied the substitution.