Amethyst
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Posts posted by Amethyst
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I wanted to be able to vote for two. We used Singapore and loved it up until 6, then we switched to TT. So, my two younger ones used TT k-6 instead of Singapore.
Hated SAxon
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BTW, ds19 just told us this morning that he has plans set up to meet for hot chocolate with a girl at school. Keeping my fingers crossed for him.
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Some people really don't want to marry, and some people shouldn't. And not having a gf by 19 is not the same as 27. He *is* still young.
Some people don't or shouldn't, I agree. I don't think that is the case for her. I think she had unrealistic expectations, to be sure, that some handsome young man would come sweep her off her feet. But I do think she wishes she would have married.
BTW, a lot of female MDs marry other MDs. It doesn't take "effort" to meet people when you are in a med school crammed with 4 years of students plus all the researchers, etc. And there is another pack in training. This woman met people. She's about my age, and med school was a hotbed of bed hopping, and but many were married or engaged by the end of it.
Well, this is a whole different topic. I will share my own bias. I hope he doesn't marry another doctor. I am a dentist, dh is a physician. We chose to have me stay at home with the kids. But that meant basically that dh paid off my student loans because I certainly did not make nearly enough to pay off the mountains of dental school debt before the babies started arriving. I'm not sure how many men would be willing to give up the potential salary of an MD to have her stay home. Or how many women go thru med school just ot stay home. It happens, for sure, but two MDs marrying is not ideal in my mind.
Does she happen to have Boston marriage going on? There is that, too.
Boston marriage? I don't know what this means. I'm curious though. Could you explain for me please.
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So, very difficult to pick, but I'm going to say Five Children and It by E. Nesbitt. So very fun and memorable. We all loved it. But I know that as soon as I post this I'll say "Oh no! I should have said ____!"
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I agree with those who point out your son's relative youthfulness. Some are later-bloomers. I am married to one who was, and have a son who probably is; I've thought about this issue a LOT.
Here is what I think: the events that are focused on "meeting other people" are great places to pass the time, but not great places for people like my dh or your son to develop relationships. The reason for this is that the events are focused on interaction but not on shared interest. So it is a bit of a random event when there is a match of interests.
I am old now, and far removed from the dating scene. But in our parish, we have a number of people who have been in the 18-25 age range within the past 8-10 years, and here is what I have observed in my conversations with them. Many of them had dating troubles; either couldn't buy a date or didn't find much satisfaction in dating-just-to-date.
They *did* find relationships and most of them have found spouses by pursuing something that was of interest to themselves. One couple that married 2 years ago had known of each other for many years. But they *met* on a summer mission project. Each of them being interested in missions, they pursued that interest, and ended up pursuing each other right to the altar. Another couple did the same thing. Another couple had an interest in music history and met online on a discussion board, because internet buddies, and it blossomed from there. Another couple met at a book discussion club...NOT a book-discussion-club-for-singles, I might add. Just a book discussion club--the BOOK interested them. Another couple met on a travel discussion internet board. THIS one was *really* interesting...not going into it because the story is too unique and therefore identifiable, but you wouldn't believe it anyway. :0) They got married a year ago. I think there is one couple that met in a college class--their eyes locked across the room and the rest is history. But that is the only couple for whom this is so. Oh, another couple's first date was set up by mutual friends, on a DOUBLE-, not a blind-date. Outside of our parish, I know more than one woman who decided to go to seminary because of personal interest, and met future husbands there. And yes, they were husband hunting. There is nothing wrong with that. But they were not stupid--they didn't just want any old husband. The relationships are based in shared interest.
The other thing about sharing an interest is that this is a very strong bond in marriage. Research shows that most successful marriages have a shared interest that lasts past the starry-eyed phase of the relationship. So it is not just a good basis for forming a relationship, but for keeping it.
Thank you for this. I like the idea of pursuing what he is interested in. That makes a lot of sense. He goes to plenty of the events the school offers, but like you said, he doesn't actually meet people there. And frequently the girls all go in a group which can be intimidating to try to break into. Now we just have to figure out what his interests are...books, theater, tennis. Already in a book club at college. Theater would take too much time at this point. Tennis, which he's great at but only partially interested in, might have to wait for warmer weather.
Btw, love the seminary idea. I'll have to share that one with my dd. ;)
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I really want to thank all of you individually for replying (but I should be working on taxes and FAFSA forms). I love reading all the advice.
I want to address those who have mentioned that he shouldn't worry about it at this age. Dh has a sister. She is a physician now. She is 55. When she was in high school and college and medical school, she never went out with friends. She never dated. She stayed at home with her mom. Mom was sort of emotionally dependent on her, but sister-in-law had her younger brother (my dh) who tried to encourage her to get out and do things. "Why bother?", "I hate bars", "I won't know anyone there", "That person is a jerk" were typical responses to his invitations to just get out and do something with peers. She never married. I'm not surprised. It takes effort to meet people. I think my son will be at a disadvantage if at age 27 he decides he wants to get married and has never had a date. I understand where you all are coming from, and I hope your kids are all able to find partners when they are ready, but I just wanted to share some of our reasons for being concerned - because we've seen that it does take effort.
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for our older dds, one was a natural, one had to learn..... and then practice. i was thinking about this with the two girls at the library. if he sets himself a goal of speaking to folks he encounters, like check out clerks in grocery stores, making a comment about the weather (really), about how nice a particular color looks on them, about how kind they were to the person ahead of them who had trouble finding their coupons, then that helps. for our dd, we had her pick one thing, and then say it to every checkout clerk she encountered, varying how she said it until she got a reaction that was positive. she discovered that compliments on job performance were easier for her than more random things, but she went Every Day to a grocery store and bought only a few things until it was more natural for her to just comment on something. and so it went.
We must have been searching on the same sites for advice because about a month ago, dh and I were discussing this so we turned to the internet and found this hint (about practicing with checkout clerks). We tried it a few times with both sons. Ds17 really hated doing it so we backed off. But I should make both boys start doing it again. Like you said, they need to practice conversing. It's harder than it seems. And neither of them are quiet kids at home, but as you know, that doesn't mean anything once they are out of the house.
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Or, you know, just too smart to have much in common with most people?
This is a challenge my daughter is having. She's 17 and has never been on a date. She's social and friendly out in the world, but the truth is that she just doesn't connect with a lot of people. She finds herself frequently having to tone down her vocabulary or hold back on expressing ideas, because other people just don't get it.
Consequently, she finds it kind of tiring to spend time with people.
She has a few close friends, and more than a few people have expressed interest in asking her out. But she has yet to find the right combination of someone who is interested in her that she also likes.
Yes!!!! He definitely suffered from this when he was high school age. I hope that he doesn't come across as arrogant about it, but I'm not sure. I don't see him interacting with peers the way I did when he was homeschooling. I hope that he's maturing but I can't say for sure.
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Is he friends with guys? Do they have girlfriends? Because then he's got better odds of meeting the girlfriend's friends, which then may put them in easier road to hey we should all go out together.
If most of his friends are girls, and guys can be great 'girlfriends', he may have missed the boat for dating the current friends. It gets weird sometimes to try and start dating them.
However if he's never said anything to the current girls he is friends with about wanting to date anyone, there is a good chance they think he's gay.
Has he talked to the 'friends that are girls' about wishing to find someone to date? About them having friends that are available? It would also let them know that he is open to dating and also not gay.
Okay, these are great questions.No. He does not have any guy friends (see previous post). My dh and I have talked about the fact that it is much easier going somewhere when you have a guy buddy. That is why occasionally we have ds go places with his 17 year old brother. (They look the same age and ds17 comes across as more mature than ds 19 sometimes.) But this doesn't help much at college, just the occasional weekend thing. I wish he did have a few guy friends. Even just one would be good.
I like the idea of him mentioning to his female friends that he is interested in meeting someone. I'll suggest that to him.
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From what the college students we know say, there isn't "dating" in college. It's either serious or hooking up. I wouldn't worry about it. He's young, has friends and the rest will come in time. Is he worried?
Interesting. Friends. Hmmm. He hasn't really had much luck with these either at college. Oh he knows people, he talks to people. But really there seems to be one girl that he talks with a lot (the anti-interracial dating girl) and maybe one other girl. But generally he doesn't have guy friends at college. Just the other day, he was telling me about the other Bio majors at school. They all sit at the same table in the library. He doesn't feel excluded, he said. He could sit there if he wanted to. But he also knows he wouldn't get as much studying done. He knows that this group of kids probably go places together, but since he doesn't sit at the table he isn't invited. So, I'm torn. Mostly I think he has his priorities straight, but at the same time, I worry that he is missing out on things because he feels he has to be so academic.
Is he worried? I don't know if worried is the right word, but frustrated, I'd say yes.
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I am currently reading a book called Unnatural Selection. Its premise is that the birth statistics started being serious skewed in favor of having male children in about 1980 which is leading to disasterous results for young men looking for marriageable women. This is especially trun now that more of the population is getting higher education degrees. Women like employers literally have their pick of men meaning men have to bring even more to the table. I haven't finished the book yet but I admit that if true the implications are alarming not just for young men but for society as a whole. I personally think that there is someone for everyone and it is simply a matter of finding your someone. I think chemistry is critically important. My hubby and I have been married for 21+ years. We have been through a lot of ups and downs and yet their is still a powerful chemical pull between us that IMO helps keep us together.
Interesting premise, but I read an article a few months ago about how there are more women than men at colleges now and it is the women who are having a hard time getting the guy. Plus, he is at a college that was once a woman's college and still is about 70% female.
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I met my dh in the library. We had a class together, but it was one of those really big classes. So, I was in the library and he asked me how to find a book via the electronic card catalog. Then, the next time we had class he brought me a funny card that thanked me for the help and asked if I would like to go out sometime.
My dh-to-be knew how to use the library. But, sometimes you have to find a way to break the ice.
I had male friends who later (after dh-to-be and I had been dating a while) admitted that they wanted to date me. But, I agree with the other poster that there is sort of a window before they are filed under friend. It isn't impossible to be recatagorized, but it is a lot easier if you don't get categorized that way in the first place.
Meeting for coffee, lunch or a study date is easy. But, then the guy sort of has to take that next step, unless the girl is pretty forward (I do NOT mean forward as a bad thing). He has to make it clear that he is interested in pursuing her romantically. Taking her to a romantic movie, bringing her flowers, bringing her a lightly romantic card, these are cues that he is pursuing a romantic relationship, not just a friendship.
Now, it could be he just has not found a girl that he wants to pursue like that. But, if he does, he needs to make his intentions more clear before being put in the friend drawer.
Also, not to make anything seem weird, but if he has a lot of female friends and no real dates, the girls may think he isn't into girls.
This is interesting that you mention the library. My son spent three entire months of the summer in the college library every single day. He was preparing to take the MCAT and that is how he spent his summer. My dh would drop him off before he went to work in the morning and pick him up after work.
One day early in the summer, my dh noticed that they got some new summer help at the checkout desk of the library. There were not one, but two, very attractive, sweet-looking girls. My dh said something to my son, like hey did you notice those girls, maybe you can try talking to them,etc. But ds spent the entire summer (at a table just a few feet from the front desK) and never said more than Hi to them. Erg.
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I also wonder if he's thinking they have to agree on every point. (Just wondering that from the comment about the close-minded friend who didn't want to date inter-racially.) Dh and I just had a fiery (and totally enjoyable) debate about a political issue that we see differently. We share most of our important values, but we're not a perfect copy on every issue. I just wonder if your ds is ruling people out too easily, so nothing really has a chance to develop.
Totally agreeing here. On one hand, my first reaction was to be very proud of him. But in the next breath, I thought (butdidn't say), y'know, maybe this would be a good topic for discussion. Discussion is good. My dh and I had many things we did not agree on when we met. Some pretty big. But through communication, we grew closer and one of us came to the other side (or not). So, yes, I think my son has a tendency to think a person needs to be perfect. My dh used to be the same way about me! I specifically remember telling my dh years before we were married that he was not going to find a perfect person and he was shocked at how low my expectations were!
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I have two college dd's and we live about an hour from campus, so I have hosted LOTS of college girl in my home over the past 4 years. They have some of the same problems! They can't seem to find a decent guy who is mature, stable, respectful, and interested in dating. The guys seem to fall into two camps: one set is immature, self-centered, and disinterested; the other group is so set on looking for romance that they come on WAY too strong and want to move WAY too fast. Consequently the girls have their guard up. Here are some of their common complaints.
- They can't stand it when a guy tries to move in for a date before he's actually a friend. In this day and age a girl would be foolish to go out with a guy she barely knows, but many push for too much too soon.
- They can tell when guys try to show up at places just to see them and pretend that they just "happened" to be there.
-They get really creeped out when guys stalk them on FB. (In fact my younger dd has deleted FB due to guys showing up at places based on FB information and knowing information about her that was on FB over a year ago.)
- Guys think they are being subtle when they are actually VERY obvious.
I'm not saying you son does any of these things. I've also spent hours trying to get my girls and their friends to see things from the guy's point of view. (I have boys - and I know they will probably make mistakes.) I just thought some of this insight might help.
Also, the "joking too much" may be more of a big deal than he realizes. My girls and their friends get totally irritated with guys who can't be serious at least some of the time. Too much joking makes the guy seem immature, and many times it goes on so long that the girls feel mocked, made fun of, stupid, or confused. They really don't know how to take some of the male type jokes.
My 17yo ds is headed off to college next year. He jokes that he's going to be the nicest guy on campus because he's had training seminars from his sisters and their friends. :tongue_smilie:
Somehow I missed this post earlier. This is very helpful, Leanna! Thanks for the insights. I think I'm going to make a point of having a discussion with my son in the next day or two and some of these observations will be helpful!
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Can he start asking girls out on friendly dates? Meet up for coffee? He doesn't have to start a romance before asking a girl for coffee, and it's good practice.
Lol. We've been telling him the coffee thing too. He just did thisrecently right after class,but the girl hadanother class togo to. Now he needs to learn to follow up.
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Hmmm..........How about 'The Well-Trained Mind Dating Service'!
We parents can match up our children with the children of other board members! We can put the threads on the Sale and Swap boards :D
Yeah! It's funny how many times in the past few years that I"ve thought about the wisdom of parents doing the choosing!
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If he does wait until he's older, than he would probably be good bait for the younger chicks, especially if he is in med school. ;)
Yup. My dh found me when he was in med school!
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There are guys who are somewhat average looking, but they have that social sex appeal. There is something they exude that says, "I'm sexy." Then there are guys who are objectively great-looking, but they don't have that. It might be that ds is falling more into category 2.
I definitely don't think he is giving off the "I'm sexy" vibe. Although we've made real efforts in the last couple of years to make sure he has up-to-date hairstyle and clothes. But I think you're right tht he doesn't give off that vibe. I'm afraid he's more of a jokester and then it's tough to transition to a more personal role.
What happened to the girl before you moved away? Did that ever move beyond, "Oh, Bob is such a great friend!" Did they have a falling out or just die out from the move?
Just died out. It had never been relationship status change worthy on Facebook. So, it just died out. Once, we went back to visit and she was supposed to be there but then backed out at the last minute.
Is ds talking to you about it, or are you just making these observations?
He talks to us some. Dh is a real talker and believes in addressing all issues. So dh has talked to him and advised him more than me. But he does mention things to me too (like last week when that girl backed out of trivia)
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My 19 year olds son is intelligent (4.0 in college) and very good looking. He was homeschooled from 1-12th grades. He is a junior in college and will be applying to med schools in a few months.
He has never really had a girlfriend. Well, there was one girl who he was interested in and he asked her to play tennis and for bike rides and to a friend's graduation party. But that was 2 years ago, before we moved and he has had no luck meeting a girl since then.
I mean, he meets girls. He goes to a college that is about 70% female, so he meets them. But he has not been able to find one that he wants to ask out. Or maybe he's going about it wrong. I don't know since I'm not at the college with him. He goes to events the college puts on (Bingo, Trivia night, comedians, etc.) but so far that hasn't amounted to much. He has some friends that are girls. His closest friend at college is a girl. He might have been interested in her about a year ago, but then she told him that she did not believe in inter-racial dating. Now both of them are white, so it was purely a theroetcially discussion, but to him, he didn't want to be in a relationship with someone so close-minded.
Anyway, I just wish I knew how to help him. He is not the most socially polished guy, but he's not socially awkward either. Sometimes he jokes too much, in my opinion and sort of plays to the crowd, kwim, but has a hard time just talking to a person one-on-one. Last Thursday night, he was going to go to Trivia night even though he was starting to get sick, he told me because there was a girl he was interested in talking to going also. But she texted half an hour before the event to say she had too much homework. Ugh. Sounds like the old "washing my hair" excuse to me.
So, I feel bad for the guy. I'm not eager for him to get married or anything, but at a certain age, I feel like he's at a disadvantage and that this is a stage he should be past by now.
Do all homeschoolers have this problem? I know they don't. Anybody have any advice?
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Wouldn't someone have been investigated for it?
I would think that back then there was not the awareness of Shaken Baby Syndrome that there is now.
Sorry that you are going through this. Also, do you have to assume it was Mom? Was Dad around, or other caretakers? It certainly does stink to feel this way about your mom. I'm sorry.
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I would be making that much, at least, if I was working fulltime. But throughout our 13 years of homeschooling, we keep deciding that having a parent at home, homeschooling is what is best for our family. Right now I work part-time (couple times a month) and the kids are old enough to manage for the day without me.But when they were younger I either did not work, or I worked part-time and my dh worked part-time. It definitely makes it an easier decision since my dh makes a very good salary.
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What an interesting article! I thik we'll be having a discussion tonight at dinner about this.
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Hi Everyone! I'm the OP and I want to thank all of you for your thoughts and insights. It has been very interesting and informative for me to read them.
Just to clarify: when I posted I wasn't concerned about whether my mom is a warm mother (although it's interesting to see that she would probably qualify as cold according to lots of these definitions), I was more concerned about whether *I* am a warm mother.
I also agree with many of you who said that dh shouldn't be telling me that my mom was cold, but I've been putting up with his opinion of her for 30 years and I can't seem to get thru to him that I don't want to hear it. His position is that he is just making observations about her traits. He will admit that she is hardworking, honest, moral, and organized. Warmth is just not one of her traits, he says, but that doesn't mean she's a bad person. Ugh.
Your thoughts have made me more mindful of being warm to my own children. When they were little it was easy to snuggle and cuddle on laps and breastfeed and be the good-night-tucker-inner. But my kids are now 19, 17, 14, and 11. It's harder to be physically affectionate sometimes (though ds17 and dd11 are still huggers) and it can feel sometimes like my kids don't want to talk to me. But I'm taking your advice and trying to pay attention to what is important to them, not me. I'm trying to stop what I'm doing and look them in the eye when they do talk to me. I'm trying to smile and laugh and be silly more. I'm trying to say yes when my youngest wants to go for a ride with me somewhere rather than feel like a few minutes alone would be nice for a change.
My husband's mom (the saint) never said "I love you"to her kids or hugged them, but he still thinks she is one of the warmest persons ever. I think she was emotionally warm to them. She expressed herself a lot. She also provided a home where they felt safe and cared for and very special. I certainly don't think of myself as a quiet person, but my dh's family is very loud and outgoing and talkative. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm at a disadvantage because I'm not as much of a talker so then I won't be thought of as warm. That's why I like so many of your thoughts here. It has given me some things to think about and try to keep doing, even as they get older. Thank you!
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My dh and I were "discussing" my mother this morning. For the one millionth time since I've known him, he declared her a cold mother. I never felt this way. I always felt loved and cared for and that she was proud of me.
But it got me to thinking, what is "warm"? Is it being very emotional and sharing your thoughts and emotions with your child? Is it noticing nice things about the child and commenting on it? Is it watching their struggles and giving comfort? Is it surprising them with presents or outings?
How would you describe a "warm" mother?
How do boys meet girls?
in General Education Discussion Board
Posted
BTW, she met a guy about 2 years ago when she was 54 or so. It was her first date. They are still together. He's not a winner, let me just leave it at that. But she's happy with him (I think). They keep their own houses and have said they will never marry.