Are there other girls who think she may not be dressing modestly(their families have different standards)? I almost wonder if she is hearing it from them and this is really more of a peer pressure thing. My daughter is certainly aware that we believe modesty in dress is important in our family and as a tween I can very easily see her discussing that with others. I guess I kind of wonder, if none of the adults have said anything about modesty, if this is coming from the peers in the church instead.

I thought this said Hobbits. I guess one could try new Hobbits in a bookstore.

I also think so much depends on environment as well. We don’t know what the activity in question was. A church caroling session that the man in charge decides to invite the youth group to come along vs an adult small group Christmas party at his house that he invites the tween and teen group to come to as well are very different. The first i wouldn’t think twice about, the second I would think was weird and would set off some red flags. Context in these situations matters.

Any adult in charge of youth at their church has a background check, but honestly I don’t put much faith in those TBH. All those weed out are people who have been caught—which still is good, but I wouldn’t rely on background checks. If it was only one or two teens/tweens going to an adult event, and there were no parents(or in our case, grandparents) present, I don’t think I would let my kids go anyway. Not because I’d be concerned about untoward behavior, but because I doubt they’d enjoy it if no friends were there and no parent to take them home when it got completely boring. But this sounds like something where parents were expected to be present anyway. Something like a church Christmas party, where there were many adults and the entire youth group or Sunday school? That wouldn’t bother me at all.

But if it’s an adult activity, wouldn’t there be many adults present? The church my kids go to often has kids present at adult activities, but their two deep rule doesn’t apply there—because there are many adults, and generally at least one parent, present. They don’t have pick up or drop off procedures, except in the infant nursery, so those wouldn’t apply anyway.

One of my problems with church is that teens and even preteens are treated as children. As long as it’s not something like a marriage conference, I prefer teens and preteens participate in adult activities. I would have no problem with the dress code or the institution of one for an activity. I attended my children’s Christmas concert at the traditional Baptist Church they attend this morning. I don’t attend the church so I can’t really say anything, but I was surprised at what some of the teens were wearing(male and female). I guess I just still feel like there should be some measure of modesty and dress standards at church. I also know that I veer conservative with our dress, and I know many don’t share that. But like I said, not my circus, not my monkeys. It was just different than what I experienced in churches growing up(leggings, except under a dress or tunic, wouldn’t have been acceptable for standing in front of the church singing, for instance). I would also be annoyed if someone singled out my daughter. He should have spoken to your husband. I still don’t see any of this as predatory or grooming.

I agree that grooming behavior can be inviting children to an adult event, but not if it’s just opening up an adult event to children. OP didn’t sound like it was ONLY her dd who was invited but all the kids in the church. If it was ONLY her dd, and the dress code was only pertaining to her and this guy was then talking to her about skirt length, I would completely change my mind on this. But that’s not how it read. I think it’s fine for churches to institute dress codes(not necessarily for attendees, but for those in leadership or performing in front of the church. For instance, I’ve attended churches where they wanted men who took the offering or were ushering to wear ties. I just have no problem with this.) You can attend elsewhere if you don’t like it. At my daughter’s public school she can’t wear a skirt above knee length. Maybe because that is our family standard anyway, it doesn’t bother me. Standards are fine; you don’t have to participate. And if someone was breaking the dress code, I would expect the adults to say something. All of this just sounds so completely normal in my world.

This is what cats do. They hide for hours and hours. They don’t like dogs. They prefer solitary life to constant human interaction. I’ve had cats that had no use for humans other than food and changing the litter box. The cat we currently have will happily go days without seeing a human in the house. He just likes his hidey spots. Cats are neurotic. That’s okay. But if you’re going to worry this much over normal cat behavior, I would let him go back to the former owner.

What denomination is this? I’ve been in several denominations over the years that all had similar dress codes—not for attending church but, for instance, singing in the choir. I sang in several Christmas choirs with both adults and kids and it was usually something like a red and green shirt, black slacks or knee length skirt. Sometimes the directors were male, sometimes female, but they would have always said something if the dress uniform wasn’t met. I don’t see grooming behavior. Grooming would be small presents or encouraging your daughter to confide inappropriately in him. It seems all very normal behavior to me given the situation. I semi trust Mom radar(my mom, like many others here, freaked out about perfectly normal things) and you may be picking up on something. Or you may have some underlying feelings concerning this church that are coloring things here. Without being there, I don’t know.

Can you move to a better neighborhood?

Honestly this is just how some people are. There’s nothing wrong with it. If she were in her mid 20s and having difficulty holding a job or relationships, I might be concerned. But as a kindergarten teacher she’s clearly intelligent and was able to complete higher education, and hold down a good job for a long time. She’s in a ten year relationship, so she’s got decent relational qualities. It’s probably just a quirk and i wouldn’t think twice.

The PS my daughter attends has around a thousand students. There isn’t a single child of color in her entire grade. My kids literally do not know any POC. They are in no way sheltered, but the county we live in has something like 1.8% of the population who identify as an ethnicity other than Caucasian.

I haven’t ever figured out how to try or implement any of those restrictive diets. I actually think my son would choose to starve to death. Some kids really won’t eat when they are hungry enough, and he’s one. I do think it would help my child’s behavior issues.

They’re probably used to it. :)

That is weird. On the other hand, firemen are not generally noted for their excellent writing skills. (Taken from my admittedly small sample size)

Was it just a pie chart of overall fires, not Christmas tree fires. Most residential fires, statistically occur November-January. Space heaters, wood stoves, gas ovens being used as a heat source, and overburdened electrical systems are generally to blame.

It’s called partial hospitalization. Often they are full day programs but with her schooling it’s probably just after school. I suspect it would be a huge help for her as it would be stabilizing, since she would only be home to sleep. Staying on meds and having dad in compliance with the treatment will also be a big help. Honestly it sounds like many of her problems stem from her home life and instability there. I hope she can get the help she needs.

When my dad first started in the fire service in the 1970s, tree fires were incredibly common. I don’t have the stats, of course, but his small department would see 2-3 a Christmas season. The risk comes from having a live, dry tree. The bulbs can get very hot and ignite a branch that’s dry. As the bulbs have become safer and less hot, and people have gravitated more towards fake trees, plus increased awareness, Christmas tree fires have dropped dramatically. I saw two in ten years as a firefighter. If you don’t water your tree and have an older style light bulb, you still run a good sized risk. So I think all the PSAs this time of year are warranted. Also, you’d be surprised how many people have Christmas trees in their bedrooms. As a paramedic I get to be in a lot of strangers bedrooms ;)—and I’ve seen many Christmas trees in them(often a smaller tree that is just decoration, they aren’t leaving presents under them). Christmas tree fires in bedrooms are less common, because people wake up quicker to fires in bedrooms and are able to escape or put the fire out easier.

To be honest, I had a Facebook post go viral last summer. It was never meant for anyone but my close circle of friends, but it wound up with almost a hundred thousand shares. I did have offers of money and even from one or two “celebritiesâ€( i hadn’t heard of them, but apparently they were the real deal—one, who requested I never mention her name, paid off some outstanding medical bills from my son’s NICU stay. She negotiated directly with the hospital). I turned all of them down(the celebrity went through my Facebook and found the pictures of my son and the hospital’s name and called them to see if they could get in touch with me and get my permission for her to pay off our significant and outstanding bill). But I never once meant for any of that to happen.

I ask because those are symptoms of sarcoidosis. I had a patient once at the local airport who developed right sided chest pain on descent, and she stated that she always had chest pain when she flew on descent, and it was caused by the inflammation in her lungs from sarcoidosis. That’s what made me think of it. My personal non-MD opinion is that you have more than one, unrelated to each other, illness going on.

I haven’t kept up with your posts all the time so forgive me if you’ve covered this, but by chance do you have swollen or painful lymph glands, painful joints/hands/feet? Dry cough? Every found any cysts or grown them in odd places like bones?

I get it—I’ve been in situations where beloved ministers had been found to have been having affairs with church secretaries for many years. More recently the married youth pastor at my in laws church was found to be inappropriately texting a young lady in the youth group—very young, like 15. And didn’t stop when told to. He was removed from the position but the church convinced the girl’s mom not to go to the police or pursue outside recourse, it was very covered ups. DH was so disgusted by this I don’t think he will ever attend church again after being a very committed churchgoer all his life. So YES, it does happen. But unless there is much much more to this story, like crude jokes, details, etc, I don’t think this rises to the levels of grooming. Also, I think it’s pretty common for ministers to want to be a safe person for their congregation, young, adult, whoever. None of what you’re saying raises any red flags for me. Truthfully, it’s been the ministers whom everyone felt they knew the best that took advantage. :( I suspect your kids are overly sensitive right now combined with being at a super uncomfortable age especially in a co-ed class. Middle school is so awkward about sex anyway, and the Bible contains a lot of people behaving very badly.

I remember similar discussion in Sunday school about that age. Including how many of the other gods had sexual sides to them. But i also learned about that in seventh grade history. I don’t think he’s out of line. Many of the Bible stories, once you move past Noah and the ark and baby Jesus, are about sex. If you’re going to study the Bible and it’s stories accurately, and by your boys’ ages the whitewashing is probably lessening, there’s going to be sexual content. Now if the pastor is expounding on it and going into gratuitous detail, that’s one thing and not appropriate. If it’s a Bible class and they’re reading about how King David and Bathsheba and the rape of his daughter Tamar, then I think it is appropriate. I would think the dog video is funny. But we as a family wouldn’t be offended by the humping sign.

When my vision was very bad before I got corneal transplants, I appreciated my kindle(I could adjust the size) and fuzzy socks. Mostly I just really like warm socks, though.

I would like to do foster care and possibly adoption too. I will not do it until my kids are much much older. If they don’t already have kids and are prepared for traumatized children, it can be a great and loving thing. But I would not put my own children’s mental health, security and safety at risk. I actually actively support bringing back small group homes with highly trained “home parents†vs the foster care system as it stands now.