I am dealing with a similar dynamic with loved ones. NOTHING has gone unnoticed/un-witnessed, to the point where third parties are involved in every FaceTime call. For a lot of people, kids are pawns in a game. You have to prove this is how your ‘ex’ sees things.

Srsly. Run, don’t walk, to a new religious community; even if it’s the same denomination (to keep your promise) and further away. State, in writing, why you’re doing so to the new priest/pastor, trusted friends and kids (if old enough) and request amnesty/protection. Document all of this contemporaneously, your reasons, suspicions, kid reactions. All of it will be important in court.

This part. This level of control is a a glaring red flag. Protect you/your kids’ autonomy.

SO SAID NO ONE. We are seriously down to the dregs at this point. Immediate distortions have limited appeal.

Not my monkeys, not my circus.

Indeed. Raising the issue was a trivial, pathetic and unnecessary distraction from the real story IMO. A state is blocking federal authorities from accessing and patrolling part of our national border, a block that arguably led to three preventable deaths. That is damning. On its face. I do not expect anything different from Texas tho. Its residents have the leaders they prefer/voted for.

And it's no less damning.

I can't help but wonder if the reaction to the death of this mother and her children would be different if they were Israelis, Gazans, Russians, Poles or Canadians. We have very different public/media responses to human rights abuses based on the race/national origins of the victims. Still, right is right and wrong is wrong. The U.S. needs to be consistent.

FWIW - I don't think anyone here enjoys being 'right' more than they desire for the U.S., a nation of states, to uphold the values we say we hold and vocally espouse worldwide. I hope I live to see that kind of change.

It’s almost like the cruelty is the point.

He said what he said. It's a humanity/douchebag thing, not a political thing.

certainly intentional, negligent homicide.

BK1 and her girlfriend joined us often for outings and movies, drained our gas tanks, ran up fast pass charges, and enlivened our wintry days. She landed a good job just before she came home and is already working. The hours are reasonable, 12-20/week, and the distance from campus is manageable. She also got her own cell phone plan and means to start taking on more adult financial obligations. DH is not happy about this but I find it entirely appropriate. DH would have preferred she pay toward her share of our bill but DD really wanted her own. I think that solution makes more sense with the car insurance but what do I know?🙄 ETA: DD is also doing her own taxes today which is...WOOT! STELLAR! Her first semester grades were right on track for her, still transfer/dual-degree eligible if she wants so that's good. She'll be better off when she gets the GenEds out of the way and can just have math and science classes. She'd been waitlisted for one course but got in. Her bill is paid for the term. Now, ahh... I get to relax for a half a minute. DD just needs to complete her VA forms this spring so the fed funds can flow on autopilot while we get DS up and running.

I'm torn thinking these could be very useful for an upcoming, extended, multi-city trip but am not sure. Have you used them? Do you recommend any particular kind?

Mostly, same, we eloped vs. taking a dime from anyone else. We didn't have their support, financial or otherwise. Understand. That disparity feels a lot smaller than what I experienced.

Mine are only 3 years apart and that does make a difference. We planned, from the beginning, with this in mind. We didn't have the benefit of accidental children. Both were very much planned, intentional and expensive. ETA: My story is complicated, and that colors my view, but I lived with this dynamic of the younger sib in private schools, handed brand new cars, and on...and on...and on. I am STILL supporting that sib today. I would, as a parent, have been sending reparations gifts (my mental concept) to help my older kids advance their lives, goals and families vs. spend so disproportionately on a singular younger child. Money won't make up for time spent with relatives and can set unreasonably high expectations for what 'launch-life' looks like, meanwhile young adult kids may struggle and never say a word because they're conditioned not to.

I never wanted my kids to feel like choosing to scrimp with their undergrad choice or choosing to work their butts off for scholarships, was merely something that freed up money for the sib who made different choices. We definitely equalized the offerings. DD got DH's GI Bill but we saved a roughly equal amount in a 529 for DS. We offered the same deal with their first cars and will do the same for their weddings/homes. This has turned out to be even more important b/c oldest is in a same-sex relationship. It's really a lot less about the actual dollar amount than the principle. We will give you each what we can and how you choose to use it/allocate it is up to you.

We are covering undergrad and first cars so this feels AMPLY generous to us.

We haven't saved for wedding expenses and haven't contemplated it yet but I suspect we will give something between 10-15K EITHER toward a wedding or a home down payment.

Even the 3-star DH works for doesn't regularly entertain with fine china. They have a staff and cooks and access to official service sets. Srsly. It's just not a thing anymore. Overall, life is more casual and less fussy now and that's OK. I would not encourage them to make a registry and ask for things they can't use when they reach their destination. By the time they return, they may want and need different things. Regardless of whether fluffernuts are ruffled, what they NEED is the flexibility to obtain items that may work with alternate power cords/plugs, and the financial resources to do the things that bring them joy during their down times. If you couch it that way to those who ask for suggestions, 8/10 people will have -0- issues because they want to support and aid the young couple and put them first, not enslave themselves to etiquette.

For high school and college kids with math skills, there are some good options. In part b/c of COVID learning loss, a lot of Mathnasium and Kumon centers are in desperate need of employees. They pay decent wages and are only open when K-12 kids are out of school (evenings and weekends). I agree with the typical teen job roulette wheel tho. DD almost immediately left a grocery chain to work at a restaurant while in high school because the pay was so much better and the scheduling more reliable.

Ugh! That’s so hard, when there’s a lack of shared values. From the time our kids were 13+/middle school age? we have annual goal-setting/course planning conversations. I really don’t care what they want to pursue, ya know? I just want to know that THEY know and are in touch with their own preferences. I listen and then make suggestions based on what they say. They change course— dd did, ds has too. Sometimes it’s formal, sometimes not, it’s just a time for us to level set, plan and be thoughtful about what the future might look like for them. It’s something I wish my parents, anyone really, had done for me—substituting their control/edicts for how-to lead my own life lessons.

Yes. DD and partner want to set up house, which is admirable, but intermediate steps/goals like full-time professional employment for DD (post-degree) and a car loan are necessary. It’s a process and isn’t overnight. I’m more concerned about the lack of planning/a plan or goal than where a kiddo is in that process.

My YA is champing at the bit to be a fully independent adult, is dating one, and feels behind as a non-self supporting collegian. She called during finals week panicked that she’d be broke and homeless unless she could transfer to an eng program ASAP. We’ve had a lot of talks over this break in re: being fully independent at 19 is also, often, a trauma response and leaning on her resources and parents to help nav/achieve goals while in school is appropriate. She’s starting a job in the spring to have more financial independence. We’re 100% ok with that. She wants more/different and is willing to work for it. I don’t feel like it’s kids these days at all. My autistic kiddo, younger, by the same token is getting a swift kick too but in the opposite direction. He doesn’t need to be told help is ok and to reign in the strike out on your own impulse, he needs to be shoved past his comfort zone. They’re all different.

If people are experiencing issues with midwifery, that's important to know, document and address. If the licensure requirements aren't protecting folks, perhaps they can or should be improved. The article implicates the shortage of trained investigators and public servants in federal, state and municipal government more than anything else. I can't imagine why no one wants those jobs. 🙄