I already know his company will not allow him to keep me on his insurance so I would have to find a way to get my own. I'm going to having as his HR anyway.

I hear you and I intend to get started but..... Is it possible to file and since in CA it takes six months anyway and then just hold off on signing the divorce papers until I absolutely have to?

Right now I am not going to risk my health by losing my medical insurance. It may seem unreasonable to some but until I can figure out how to get my own I don't have an option. I just started working so I don't have enough hours to get my own. I don't really like the idea of having to go on medi cal and I don't understand how to get insurance any other way with my health problems. Even with spousal and child support I won't have enough to pay for all of that and live. I can't afford cobra either. I just can't handle the thought of losing all the excellent dr's and care I've had for 19 yrs. I don't know what else to do. I don't see how having no medical care will benefit the raising of my children. I run the risk of getting very sick.

Yeah the lawyer gave me the paperwork and said that if we agreed to everything the paralegal could prepare the papers and we could even just file them ourselves. It was last year so I don't remember exactly. I should probably see her again with his correct salary amounts and make sure I know what he should pay for spousal and child support. She gave me some figures but I didn't have all the info. I guess visitation as well. Problem is she was like $300.

Sheesh! Quote didn't work on my phone. The lawyer recommended the paralegal for the filing if we were still amicable and she was clear on what she could do for us.

Ok so I should take our agreements and paperwork and just go to her and file? Then can I just wait to divorce? Having never been through this I'm not sure what I'm doing. I don't want to make it official but I have no problem seeing a lawyer either. Should I tell him I'm taking the paperwork to a lawyer? I get being prepared but I'm not sure what I am doing wih a lawyer at this stage when I do want to start the divorce but I don't want to finish it. I'll go see her I just am unsure what I need right at this moment.

I have all the paperwork like the inventory we have to take and we are going to finish that on Mon. I am in charge of finances so I've been handling the splitting up of all that.

Ok so what's a decent rate because I had a lawyer I went to and wouldn't mind going back I just don't want to get in over my head for money. With a lawyer what am I doing exactly? I don't want to divorce him yet but am I just putting it all in order?

I'm not sure how realistically we are both supposed to afford a lawyer. She was very quick with her time and very expensive. We are both living on very little. He doesn't make much money as it is.

I noticed I said I'm scared more than once. What the heck do I have to be scared of? I just need to let it all go. I was originally so excited to have a new chance at life but then I sometimes feel like it's too late for me.

I will definitely have to take a look at the new insurance options next year. Right now I just needed him to stick to his deal and slow down a bit. I did everything I said I would. He left me in Nov and by Jan I was in school. Finished school in six months and had a job two months later. I would love dearly to actually not be tied to him anymore and I think that's what hurts me the most. That I am staying cause of the insurance but I want to be free of him and the connection to him. I am trying to be independent. I'm scared though. I've been married since I was 19.

Let me say I did already have an hour consultation with a lawyer when we first separated in 11/2012 so I do have some idea of the money he would be responsible to provide. The problem lies in the fact that his company doesn't have to keep paying a portion and allowing me to stay on his insurance if we divorce. I have some major health issues. I worked my whole life to have good insurance and then I married him and thought I was taken care of. So my only option is to hold him to what he agreed to and keep moving ahead and try to find a good way in the next year to have my own insurance. But he has to give me time. Lawyers cost a lot so at this point I'd like us to start on the paperwork she gave me last year and maybe try and come to some agreements that a paralegal can put in writing. This stuff is just all so hard!!! I am not suicidal or anything but I've been depressed for ages and I need to find a way to look at my future and just move on. I can't let this man get to me anymore.

I figured the ER wasn't a good idea and that's why I posted. I was just losing it. It's hard when you are expected to do everything on your own.

I am doing better this morning. I have to stop letting him get to me. I am not against taking medication at all it's just that I take so many asthma and allergy meds that I just haven't made the leap to making an appt and asking for meds. I don't scoff at them at all and have been telling myself for months now to go to my general practitioner and tell them I need some help. I have just been too overwhelmed to do it. I know I need counseling. Should I just make an appt with my primary care doc and tell him these things? I'm sure I have PTSD from all of this. He is letting his girlfriend get in his ear about supporting me and the kids and so all of a sudden he is questioning me and it just shows I can't count of him doing what he said he would. I need to at least get all the paperwork prepared and my finances in order. Luckily I still have control over the money so I've been stashing it. But I would love if he had to provide me insurance I just don't see how that would be possible. His company won't keep me on if we divorce.

ok, I'll just try the benadryl and sleep. I have been doing that other nights but tonight was hard. He had agreed to stay legally married so I could have insurance cause I have chronic asthma and now with a girlfriend I think we will have to divorce for good and I am terrified about how to get medical. My new job doesn't offer enough hours, so I'm just scared. I can't afford counseling or I would be doing it already. This is all new to me and the people I know would rather complain about their lives than ask me how I'm doing.

And my stupid eyes always swell shut when I cry now.

Thanks gals! I am just so overwhelmed. I've been trying so hard. New career, trying to learn the job and homeschool. It's just a tough night. I really can't stop crying. I am not desperate or anything I just had hoped maybe they had a way to ease my pain. I've never taken anything for depression or desperation and I just hoped maybe the ER might help with some attention to my needs. There is no one in my real world who can help me. I always do everything on my own. I do have some rescue remedy.

I just wish someone was here to take care of me. I'm so hurt and struggling and alone. And I'm just freaking out.

It's ex husband related and I'm just not handling it well.

I think I should have gone tonight but I was so unsure if they could help me. I work tomorrow night and it's a new job that I can't miss. Also I am terrible about asking for help, but I am losing it here. Just had to say it out loud..................... *Update* Anyone reading my thread new. I am ok. I never cry on and on for days. It was just a bad night. I am usually fine the next day....well kind of fine anyway. Functioning at least. I really think I just needed some attention but clearly the ER is not the way to go so I won't be doing that.

This one is my favorite for using in place of white wine when I cook.

:grouphug:

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Thanks! Those suggestions will help me out a lot. I'll just have a plan ahead of time. It's been a tough year and we could use some fun!