go_go_gadget
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Posts posted by go_go_gadget
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How much exercise is he getting? DS12 requires daily 3.5 mile walks/jogs, yoga classes, two hour soccer practices 3 days per week and soccer/fitness training twice a week.
He gets close to that amount (see above).
Regardless of what is driving your DS's malady, writing *everything* down in a planner and ticking the tasks off as they are done should help.
That worked for about a week.
Just curious. Why aren't you guys getting stuff done? Has there been a major illness or other such problem? Or are you just struggling with organization and time management?
I ask because if things are chaotic at home, then all the self-talk and exercise in the world probably won't help a young boy. Structure, routine, boundaries, predictability and expectations can go a long way toward emotional stability and drive.
Things aren't chaotic, but they are busy. I'm a graduate student and I teach at my university as well. I've set out very clear routines that are totally predictable, and the expectations are clear.
Because I have btdt, this is the first thing I thought of too.
Honestly, very very super gently because I have btdt in the past in some similar ways, I read this as you only enforce showering once a week, emptying the litter box only when it becomes intolerable, taking out the trash when there is literally no room for more, and allowing him to get away with a bare minimum of school. So then when you can't take it anymore after letting him slide (which already causes you constant stress, I'm guessing), you get even more stressed and, if you're anything like I was, mad at yourself about how out-of-control everything feels, and then you start enforcing all the things right now—right this very minute.
Or maybe you are literally hounding the whole time but still not enforcing the tasks you are hounding him about, which sends very mixed signals and ultimately does not end in success. Worse, it reinforces his slacking behavior, maintaining the dynamic of his habit of just skating by, staying under your radar but accomplishing little, aware that he is consistently letting you down. That builds up negativity in him. Think of it this way: the hounding is a constant message of failure to him. He needs help following through.
This is very stressful, especially for sensitive kids and those who crave structure and boundaries. My oldest was one of these. In his early school years, I thought I was being awesome by making expectations casual, but he needs structure which became very evident over time. The first thing I would do as mom (and believe me, I have had to follow this advice too many times to count, LOL) is stop talking/whining/harping so darn much....ESPECIALLY with my boys.
I would counteract his negativity by starting with the negativity you feel about this. I would make a schoolwork and chore chart and lay out every single expectation to make his days predictable and his responsibilities crystal clear. I would talk to him and totally take all the blame for me. "I'm sorry I've been lax and letting x, y, and z slide. That's my fault. I'm going to work on getting more organized and helping you manage your schoolwork and chores."
My kids know that if they finish their daily checklists, their evenings and weekends are free. If they don't, they are not free until the checklists are finished. They know that if they finish every daily chore as required, they get their allowance on Friday. Charts aren't magical, of course. They require enforcement. But in the beginning, help him. Side-by-side, as a mentor, you can help him with his chores and schoolwork. Try to bite your tongue and go from hounding to helping. When his habits are set, he can transition to working on his own more. And he's still 10 now, so really, he's still in a period when he needs mentoring. Also, some kids just benefit from companionship in their work. DS13 is that way too, although he has gotten much more independent as he's gotten older, which is to be expected.
Also, check out Smart But Scattered. It helped me as much as my kids. :D
See above about ''enforcing'' things. He's very much like I was, and my parents tried taking away every single of mine, and allowing me to do exactly nothing. Challenge accepted, and eventually the took me to a shrink who told them to try not feeding me, because absolutely nothing else worked. I'm putting that book on my list, thank you!
How do you react when he says, "I'm a failure?" 11 can be a somewhat difficult age, particularly for boys. It's a testing age. By all means, explore the possibility of depression or illness first, but consider that this may be his way of getting out of doing what he doesn't want to do. If you are overly sympathetic and let him slide, he may subconsciously realize it's a trigger word that lets him off the hook.
I know I only have part of the story, but I just wanted to offer an alternative.
I would ask him what he means by, "a failure." It will help you get to the bottom of it. If he means he never gets anything done and he'd discouraged by it, he can help you come up with ways to take responsibility for himself (checklists and that sort of thing). If it's more that he feels unwell or that he tries and can't seem to remember/focus/motivate himself then you can explore adhd or depression. If he can't explain himself, then you may want to suspect button pushingMost of this I've addressed above, but it's not button-pushing, and he's not trying to get out of doing things. He's asked for help in overcoming this.
I feel like I've shot down almost everything that was said, but I sincerely appreciate all of you taking the time to write all of this out. Having people coming up with most of the same ideas I've already had helps me feel like I'm heading in the right direction, and I'm going to redouble my efforts to persuade him to see a counselor. I think he might be more willing if I'm also able to have him evaluated for ADD, because his difficulty in focusing really bothers him.
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I would be worried about depression.
We've been trying to convince him to see a therapist, and we as parents went for an initial session over a month ago. The therapist said therapy only works when a person *wants* help, and he's adamant about not being comfortable talking to a stranger about personal stuff. So we're in a holding pattern on that front, but I'm worried about depression, as well.
What is the weather like where you are? Is it sunny or gloomy?
Both my boys and me are having a bad round of hay fever as well as winter rash. DS10 is getting nothing other than reading done which is fine by me. DS11 is doing all his outside homework the best he can while sneezing and coughing. We are eating mainly takeouts since it is hard to cook while sneezing.
It's been getting steadily worse for months, since before winter. It's been sunny for several weeks now, here in the Bay Area. No allergies, but food intolerances that majorly effect his behavior.
Best piece of internet advice ever received:
"If you wouldn't speak with your friends like that, don't speak with your self like that."
"Please don't speak about my beloved son that way. Yes, things are slowing down and he's re-grouping but he's not a failure. He's only eleven. He has time."
"Please be patient with yourself. You deserve it."
In the long run, although these messages don't solve the whole problem, I think they really can help provide positive alternatives for self-talk and a general principle to guide him. It's only a small piece of the puzzle but I think it's an important piece.
I find them very, very helpful to my extreme thinking daughter.
Good luck.
I've said every one of these things, more than once.
Ask him "Does the idea of being a failure bother you?" (presumably he'll say yes.) Tell him you know that he isn't a failure, use the stuff that Tsuga mentioned on him. Tell him that you're going to spend a few days thinking of ways to help him. Then leave him alone. Don't try and cheer him up if his under-performing on all fronts is bothering him. Tell him not to talk nastily to himself etc, but don't over do it. I wouldn't assume that he's depressed--just that he's dissapointed and perhaps overwhelmed with "getting back on track." It is okay (and demonstrative of self-awareness) for kids to be dissappointed with themselves when they are performing poorly in some way. If he's disappointed in himself then he'll need to alter his negativity and improve to pull himself out that funk.
Leave off arguing about the chores for a moment. Continue to tell him that he should not beat himself up about things but don't coddle him. If he feels that he's a failure because he's failing to maintain even a basic standard then in a way he's right: he's failing to accomplish the tasks he's expected to. The good news is that penalty for falling down isn't death and he isn't doomed to exist in a realm of underachievement forever and ever amen.
After a few days or a week sit down and have a meeting with him. Tell him you've thought a lot about what he said. Re-iterate that puberty may be messing with his ability to focus, disrupting his usual executive functioning skills etc. That you think you've made a mistake by not considering his physical and mental change while setting expectations during this stage. Pare down his list of routine, domestic and academic expectations to what you both feel is more manageable. If he just does NF reading and math work for a few months and slowly adds in topics, then where is the harm in that? Ask him what he needs from you and the family to help him stay on the track to productivity and meeting his expectations of himself.
"Okay son, you say that dropping the ball so often makes you feel like a failure. The problem is not that you are a failure, the problem is that you are dropping the ball. So, what can you do about it? What can I do to help you? What do you think that DAD and SIBLINGS could do to help you? Lets make a list. Lets make a schedule. Have him sign a contract about how he'll respond to reminders to do his chores. Let him know "Ok Son, I will agree to set reminders on my phone and help you remember to do your chores--but you must not give me grief for reminding you. My reminding you is help, don't punish people for helping you by arguing, ignoring or being unpleasant when you are reminded and told to do X, Y or Z"
Be encouraging and give gentle praise when its due. Offer fair feed back "I saw you cleaned the bathroom kiddo--the sink and mirror look great. You forgot to take out the trash in there, but I was so impressed with the job you did on the tub that I went ahead and did it for you." Then next time you tell him to clean the bathroom, remind him to get the trash out.
Then just reinforce over and over again that no one's perfect. Everyone loses their groove or mojo at times, its how you get back up that matters. Don't nag and don't coddle him. Ultimately its hard to feel good about yourself if you don't have anything to feel good about. He may just need to "earn" his self-respect at this time. Its not an unnatural feeling for many adolescents. There is a huge gap between what people of all ages want to accomplish, and what they usually do.
This is what I've been doing, for months.
How is he spending his days? My son was monumentally unproductive for a while as a middle schooler. That said, he was getting outside and exercising daily. And there were certain requirements that needed to get done before he could watch tv or play video games which was never before 3 pm regardless. He needed a lot of tomato staking and supervision. He may need very specific help structuring his days. I would pragmatically make him stop insulting himself every time and be on the look out for depression.
I've done mega structure. I've done minimal structure. I've done ''happy medium'' structure. He's in a rigorous ballet program (his choice, and his primary source of gratification), with classes and/or rehearsals 3-5/week. On the in-between days he plays with neighborhood kids (outside, running around, scootering, etc., not TV/video games), or when he's at my parents' house he either plays games (imaginary and video), and bikes. He swims whenever he has a chance. So he's pretty active, and on the lower end of media consumption for most kids these days, from what I gather.
Has something changed that has led to him not getting his work done or is he just flat out refusing to do it? Can you get him on a regular schedule, starting by getting up at the same time each day and beginning it with a shower? Then start with a specific amount of work and a specific time to do it? What about trying to get out of the house at least once a day even if it's just to go to the library or the grocery store or for a walk?
I've got an older unmotivated teen right now. He is good about getting his work done, so I'm grateful for that, but that's about all he does. He does not seem happy for the first time in his life and that worries me. I've been really working hard to get him out of the house and doing things, but it is very difficult to get him to go, so I can definitely empathize with you. Depression can lead to a lack of motivation and desire to do things, but I also think it can go the other way and that if you can change the behavior, the mood can lift.
Nothing's changed, and our previously regular schedule (including regular times for waking up, showering, schoolwork, chores, etc.) has slowly crumbled as his mood has worsened. He gets out of the house every single day, but definitely isn't over-scheduled in his activities.
Just a thought... It was about that age that my daughters ADD started getting the best of her. She also started talking about being a failure and not being able to remember things or get things finished. Eventually for us it led to medication. I knew that my husband suffered HUGE self esteem issues from growing up with unmedicated ADD. I didn't want to see that happen to DD. Sometimes inattentive type without hyperactivity is more easily dealt with until later in life, when it becomes more of an interference. Not saying that is your situation, just throwing it out there.
I've been strongly considering this, and wonder if I could have been ADD as well. School was easy enough for me that I never needed to focus or work hard, and had to learn those skills as an adult.
11 is very young still. he needs a lot of help with this stuff.
Take a few days off school and get the house cleaned up. Insist on a daily shower. Then baby step him through one or two chores a day. He needs you to be organized before he can get organized.
I am organized. My organization no longer seems to work for him, and short of beating him, I've tried everything I can think of to ''insist'' that he do things like shower.
Yeah, I'd have him get an evaluation. I'm thinking ADHD/inattentive too. Either way, cognitive behavioral therapy to change the self-talk, and a lot more hand holding, instructions, and breaking things down into baby steps. Try not to think of this as regression, because puberty literally breaks down the ability to think things through, and if he also has an executive function issue, it's doubly bad. Seriously, I'd trust a 9 year old more than a 12-16 year old any day.
I'd say, "No child of mine is a failure. You're struggling to get things done, and we're going to fix it." And then you break instructions down for him.
And when I say break things down, I mean break them down like you're instructing a six year old. As in, don't give him a list, give him one instruction:
- Clean the litterbox right now. It takes two minutes to clean and two minutes to take out the trash. Now.
- Get in the shower right now. When you're clean and dressed come to me and I'll give you the next thing to do.
- Hang up or put away all the clean clothes that are lying around in your room.
- Put all the dirty clothes in your room in your hamper.
- Make your bed.
- Do 1 problem of your math assignment and show me.
At the point that he flat-out rebels, assuming his evaluation comes back typical but frustrating pubescent tween, then I'd look at the behavior as a matter of entitlement, and do something like this blogger did: How We Erased Teenage Entitlement
I definitely have started giving one instruction at a time, to no avail. And far from being entitled (I did read the blog post), he's genuinely bothered by his lack of productivity, and feels more like he doesn't deserve what he has.
Cont. in next post
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My nearly eleven year-old is convinced that he's a failure, and perhaps there's no point in trying to be anything else. This is partly my fault, because we're in a constant state of things not getting done. He's gone from being pretty good about his chores and good about schoolwork, to basically doing nothing. He's down to showering once a week, and barely gets any school done. Chores happen when the trash is overflowing and the cat box reeks, instead of daily. So I'm always hounding him to just.do.his.stuff, and now he's decided he's a failure.
What do I now? I know some of it is the age, but how do I counteract the negativity?
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I said no because it deals with virgunity/chastity/premarital sex pretty heavily, and there's a relatively graphic rape.
This. I'm no prude (big burlesque fan!), but no way for a third grader. Sixth might be fine, depending on the individual child.
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I recently switched from one Kaiser plan to another, and they wanted me to fax them the form they'd send me showing the coverage dates of the old plan before they would activate the new one. They sent it to the wrong address, so I called back and insisted that they fax it themselves. So they printed the letter again, and faxed it. To themselves. True story.
When I got divorced, the state of California wanted me to send in a form with things like our SSNs, divorce case number and so on for the Child Support Registry. I didn't have to look any of it up, because they printed every single bit of the information they said they wanted *in* the letter saying they wanted the information.
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Second, Frederick Douglass. I like this book personally. This kiddo will be a young seventh grader, and the book has some brutal parts. Is there a different well-written slave narrative you can recommend?
I can't speak to favorite Don Quixote editions, but my DS was seven when he asked to Douglass's Narrative. I warned him that it was violent, and he said he knew it would be, but he thought things like that need to be read, even though it's hard to read them, because it's important to appreciate them fully. I hadn't read it in a while before that, so I read a chapter ahead to make sure I could be useful for questions, and to make sure he could handle it. He could, and he did. I certainly think a seventh-grader should be able to handle it.
I did tell him he most assuredly could *not* read Jacobs' Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl, which was the second half of the edition we had. Far more violent, rape, etc. The violence in Douglass's Narrative is about as mild as you can get and still be telling an honest slavery story, IMO. To water it down any further would be to do the history, and those who lived it, an injustice.
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I wonder what it means? Is it just that the books themselves will be available in online editions, as the higher books are now, or that there'll be some kind of Alcumus or instructional component?
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My DD (just turned nine) is obsessed with a (physical, not video) game called Gravity Maze. It's a logic puzzle, no reading required, so it might fit your bill.
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The Grad School Kitty is actually grey and white, not black, but the lighting was bad.I have two that look like yours! A black one and a tabby...
Both of them are excessively needy compared to previous cats I have owned.
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Cute :). I'm surprised any school gets done at all around with 2-3 cats and a dog trying to "help" at any one time.
The Homeschool Kitty is similar; she's usually more if a hindrance than a "help,". In fact, her other nickname is "Homeschool Problem #1." The Grad School Kitty is much less of a nuisance.
Poor kitty!We have one that particularly keeps waiting for some homeschooling to happen at the kitchen table. She loved the good ole days. Great pictures!
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Don't get me wrong, I'd like just about anything over another young female, but if we must have another, Osgood would do. I've heard that the powers that be are concerned that in the absence of a young character they'd lose the youthful audience, and that they'd lose female viewers without a female Companion, and so they keep killing those two birds with the same stone.
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They're tough jobs, but someone has to do them.
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Please let it be Osgood.
Really, though, I still want Bernard Cribbins.
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Originally I was planning on doing the online pre-algebra class, but I thought the pacing would be too quick for him.
My homeschool co-op has an AoPS pre-algebra class. It goes at the pace of the students assuming 3+ hours of homework, usually 2 sections each week. If the kids need more time or more explanation then the teacher can focus on the work or repeat sections as necessary.
Just FYI, the AoPS class does sections/week, as well.
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Darned Nutcracker rehearsals! We don't get our Saturdays back until after Christmas.
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Can someone please do something about daisy. She is so annoying I keep stopping the show and walking away when she is on. She is just so hard to take.
Ditto.
Not that this would be at all possible, but I think the nanny should find a new job and Barrow should take her place. He's a miserable devil, but he's so good with the kids. It's not as though the nanny should have trouble finding a new position.
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I probably should spin off, but Goonies with its blatant racism and fat shaming, inappropriate opening sequence (breaking a piece off of a nude male statue), cursing, lack of parental supervision, and general 80's bs is a little more than shocking to me now. Though my children *have* seen it.
I saw that film for the first time last summer, with my kids, and we did talk about the racism and fat-shaming (none of the rest of what you mentioned was an issue for me). What really struck me, though, was that the "fat kid" looks like most kids I see on FB these days. Same with the "fat girl" from the original Yours, Mine, and Ours. It's thought-provoking.
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Have you had any issues with apps no longer working with 8? Many of ours suddenly stopped--Mail, weather, news, etc--and we figured Windows wasn't supporting them any longer, thereby forcing us to 10. I really liked 8 and would prefer to go back (again).
I never used any apps, so I don't have any data on that. Were you on 8 or 8.1?
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It depends on whether or not you have a touchscreen. Windows 8 was designed for touchscreens, and works quite well for them. For non-touchscreens, it's pretty terrible. My laptop/tablet hybrid lost a lot of functionality when I upgraded to 10, and I've since ''downgraded'' back to 8.1. A touchscreen OS for a touchscreen device.
I hear 10 is great for non-touchscreens.
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My kids us to do this weird thing where only one misbehaved at a time. If one was having a meltdown, the other was an angel. I don't know if they were trying to make themselves look awesome by comparison or if they had this sense that I was at my limit dealing with her sister. They are much more willing to give me problems at the same time these days. I miss the taking turns.
Mine have each performed both roles today. I lost it at the second incarnation of devil child, because I was so worn down by the first. I'd literally just congratulated myself on holding it together when the second one started. I'm trying to homeschool and do grad school, and it felt like they were both coming at the thread I'm hanging on by with dull scissors.
So, totally with you, OP. I don't have as many kids, but I'm in graduate school for math and also teaching at the university. Add in studying for comps, and I'm kind of a mess.
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I think so. It definitely absorbs better than the Curel you mentioned, which I also tried and didn't like because it didn't seem to absorb at all, just sat on my skin and got sticky. I always got dressed within a few minutes of using the Eucerin and never had any problems, though I never tried it with something like tights.
That goes on the ''To Try'' list, too, then. Thanks!
Jergens has an unscented and it meets your other requirements. I recently bought a bottle so that I could add some Lavender essential oil, to make my own scent. It feels SO GOOD putting it on, but it absorbs quickly, so you aren't left feeling sticky or oily.
Same with this one. Thanks!
The only smell it has to me, is that of Unscented lotion, kwim? I just compared it to my fragrance free Lubriderm, and although different, they both smell like Unscented lotion. But definitely not 'scented' or fragrant IMO. :) I actually stumbled upon Alba in Whole Foods where they had a bottle to sample. Is that an option for you?
There's one literally down the street from me. I'll check it out!
I'm dying to know what perfume you wear. #scentaddict
Nothing intriguing, I'm afraid, but I'm happy with my line-up. Chanel Mademoiselle came out right when I turned 18 and was in the market for a daily perfume, and it was perfect for me. When I was about 29 I started feeling like it was getting to be too young for me, and the very next day I saw the first ad for Chanel Noir, which a #scentaddict like you knows, is a more grown-up version of Mademoiselle. It's so well-suited to me that I don't even mind Chanel making a market out of me so very successfully, twice. I also have Dior's J'Adore, but haven't worn it much in years, and Joy, which is a very Granny-occasion perfume for me (somehow funerals often fall into this category). Finally, Guerlain's Mitsouko I wear only under the cover of darkness, and only when with my husband. He wears Creed's Green Irish Tweed, exclusively. How about you?
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I will say I smell the avocado scent initially but I learned how to apply it ever-so-thinly, while still being effective and the scent just vanished after I put my clothes on.
Better yet, and I really stumbled upon this idea I consider 'genius' by accident........... I simply pour some sugar into a cute jar, saturate it with AO, and put the jar in the shower. After bathing, I scrub my body with the sugar scrub and it 'grinds' the oil right into my skin while sloughing off dead skin. Once I rinse the sugar off, which in turn rinses off EXCESS oil, my skin is super SUPER soft and I leave the shower, sugar and oil free, but my skin feels like a baby's butt. I use on almost all skin except my face if I'm going to put make up on after a shower. If I'm headed to bed, I do my face, too. It was my perfect solution to a rich oil that REALLY moisturized, yet didn't sit on my skin or smell. Kept me soft all day. And I lived in the extra arid, super cold state of Montana, where everyone really needs to use something or your skin splits.
I used to do this, too! I found that using a Salux gave me better exfoliation, though, so I had to separate the moisturizing step from the exfoliation step.
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avocado oil
I used to use avocado oil, but it was too stinky.
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I prefer Lubriderm Unscented. It meets all your requirements, and it lasts at least 24 hours, even here in the desert southwest.
I'm going to try this one if the Gold Bond one doesn't work. Thanks!
''I'm a failure.''
in The Chat Board
Posted · Edited by go_go_gadget
I've been hesitant to make ballet conditional, because it's the only thing that brings him joy these days. I did just propose it to him, though, and he was receptive. Here's hoping!
Only DH has insurance through his employer, and we pay out of pocket for private insurance with a $10,000 family deductible.
Oh, I've definitely withheld all of that before (except for what goes on at my parents' house, because it's their house and I need them for childcare). Withholding all of that made no difference, so I gave up on it. No one in this family has ever surrendered in a battle of wills, so they all have the same result: everyone loses. So you're right, I've run out of ''enforcing'', because it wasn't working and just made everyone even more miserable.