Infomom, oh boy, do I know the place you're at right now. My mother spends a lot of time telling me, "children are works in progress." It's hardest with the oldest, I think. I've seen tantrums before, but everything my oldest does, I'm seeing for the first time. I still remember the first time she had a throw-down, knock out tantrum 14 months or so. I thought there was something hideously wrong with her. It _could not be normal_ to be that upset over (iirc) how her apple had been cut.
Trying difficult things and thinking hard about them did not come easily for my first. We got her there. A lot of it was managing her anxiety. Small steps, holding her in my lap, starting with work that was easier than what she could manage and working up after she'd built up a little confidence.
Also, since she is only four, you might want to consider whether this is a dynamic you're ready for right now. Sometimes people trade introducing more difficult work for more peace in the house and hold off a bit (other people hold off for philosophical reasons).