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fruitofthewomb

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  1. The few instances I know of are small churches (so no 'boards') & I wasnt a member. All baptist. Mostly over what I consider petty things-not visiting the sick enough, supposedly stealing sermons from the Internet, & I don't know what else. All was talked about in the open. Church voted on whether he should stay or go.

     

    Some may not consider those petty things but I can overlook a lot.

    • Like 1
  2. I may be wrong, but I think depression in both parents is very common when a child faces a serious health concern or disability. Not being able to help your child and make them better is just devastating. The parent has to work through the stages of grief while also helping their spouse and dealing with the day to day needs of the child. KWIM?

    It is very stressful so I can imagine that depression could be more prominent. I know the divorce rate is very high. When we went through orientation at our hospital (St Jude) we were told that their divorce rate is 90%.

  3. I sometimes wonder if men and women's experiences in grieving learning challenges are different because our day-to-day experiences are different. My dh works long hours, and his interactions with our children are different than mine. One of the *best* things that happened in our marriage has been our serious health challenges. Sounds bizarre, I know.....but when I had to be away for weeks in antepartum and then NICU with our youngest.....dh HAD to step in and live the day-to-day. All of that wishful thinking and denial got ground away when dh began to experience the same things I was day after day. My husband never doubted my effectiveness as a teacher, but having to sit down with the planner and books and take the dc through the school day (& sometimes FaceTime me to explain things) helped dh understand all that I was doing, and where that was going.

     

    I will also add that in hanging out with survivors of BTs, there is a real grieving process when you realize that your child survived, but at a price. Surgery, radiation, and chemo all take a horrible toll. You are grateful that your child survived, terrified that the cancer will come back, and still taking it all in that the kid before you is not the kid you had pre-cancer. I've noticed anecdotally that a lot more men tends toward a long time in the denial department with the cognitive and emotional changes their kid has experienced.

    It's quite a roller coaster. And traumatic. DH & I didn't grieve in the same way which took its toll the first year after she was diagnosed. We were able to move on from that.

     

    Sometimes I wish he would walk a mile in my shoes. And I sometimes wish I could see through his eyes. It can't be easy to be him.

  4. OP, what is your DD's long term prognosis? Is the tumor benign? Can the docs even say?

    It isn't benign. It's low grade though. She was dx 5 yrs ago. At some point there was rapid growth. It is infiltrative type-not a mass. And there is a lot of it. Covers about 30% of brain. Long term prognosis-no clue really. Right now I would say it's good. But it could begin to grow again & she would face radiation. Oncologist said that she would not live to be an old lady but that she would graduate high school. I really don't know what her future will look like.

  5. I am so sorry your family is facing this.

     

    He is wrong to say this. It may be coming from a place of pain for him. Please remember that when he starts accusing, it is coming from his pain, not the truth about learning disorders. I know you know that on some level, but you need a mantra to get through it.

     

    :grouphug:

     

    As for working outside the home--when kids are under the age of six, it's expensive. I'm breaking even. It sounds insane but I am. And I make decent money. Our combined salaries put us in the top 15%. But at least half my salary goes to child care expenses and she's in kindergarten. That's just the full-day kindergarten and bridge care until I get home to pick them all up.

     

    With so many under six, I am not really sure going back to work will make you money, particularly as the child care tax credit is a pittance.

     

    Having kids is expensive. I also worry about money. But money worries never end. You need to speak with someone about this, a counselor, because if he's worried about newer cars, then, there are perception issues that need to be sorted out. Newsflash, bud: five kids means old cars, I don't know ANYONE who has it any different except people in the top five levels of Microsoft. I live within walking distance of Microsoft. I see the nice cars. They do not belong to people with five kids. Microsoft families with five kids live in small houses too, with average cars. Most of us just have two kids and it's still expensive.

     

    So that issue--his beliefs about what life ought to be like, vs. reality--that is an issue for counseling.

     

    That can be very hurtful to you.

     

    And regardless of whether you homeschool or public or private school, sticking with your kids thick and thin is never a failure.

    Thank you. I am now realizing this isn't a homeschool vs public school issue. It's a marriage issue.

     

    I plan to make appt with my counselor for next week. Maybe I need to involve pastor again. He isn't great with mental health type things but I know he would pray & be supportive.

     

    I am also going to call Montessori school & set up tour. I am also thinking about what to ask public schools.

     

    You all have been very helpful. Sorry I was so sensitive earlier in the thread.

    • Like 3
  6. A few thoughts:

     

    Can you hire a mother's helper for a few hours a day/week? That might give you some breathing room and time to focus on the important stuff while letting your helper watch the others, etc.

     

    School is not nec. a bad thing. So much depends on your school district. Depending on the services available, your older dd might get a lot of extra help and therapy without having you have to drive an hour away and get therapy just once a week.

     

    Are there any men/couples your husband respects and could talk to? I know you said that he would not go to therapy but the reality is that a very high percentage of the marriages where there is a special needs child ends in divorce. Even more than the ideal school/learning environment, your kids need a stable home life with parents who are connected. I would try to make this a priority as much as you can. Would your dh be more open to help, support group, etc. if you told him that you value him so much that you want the best for your marriage?

     

    It can be very hard for men to deal with special needs children, as much as they love them, it just seems emotionally a lot harder on them than the moms. Sometimes being with other men in similar situations can help. Men often want to "fix" things for the people they love and he can't "fix" your daughter

    We do have a mother's helper that comes one afternoon a week. She babysits while I take DD to OT (down the road). I can run errands during OT. Then I come home & pay bills, planning, prepping, etc while she plays with kids & does light cleaning. I would like for her to come another day a week but VT is taking up a lot of our funds right now. We cut back on her time here bc of that.

     

    The VT is what is so far away. OT is in town. I think she would probably get the same amt of OT at PS. The VT would be winding down by the time school starts in Aug.

     

    DH won't even talk to our pastor-who he loves & has a great relationship with. Last year I told our pastor about some of our struggles & he was shocked. DH seems to have it together at church & work. Pastor took DH to lunch & DH played it down I think. Nothing else ever came of it. Pastor probably thinks I was crazy or hormonal. My MIL & all my family sees it too though.

     

    I have tried every angle I can think of to get DH to wake up to reality. It's like talking to a brick wall. And I always walk away wondering if it really is all my fault.

    • Like 1
  7. What ottakee said...DH wanted things "fixed". When he couldn't do that he wanted something or someone else to blame that, if it was changed, would "fix" the kids. And a pretty quick fix was his goal. None of this long term stuff.

    Yes! DH isn't happy that I put DD in 1at grade CLE though she is 3rd grade. He doesn't understand that it is giving her confidence, laying a very solid foundation, shoring up shaky skills, etc. He just can't get behind it. When I say-she did great in math today-he says well she should be doing great it's 1st grade math. I am trying to explain the long term but he doesn't get it. Which makes me doubt the path we are on. But he isn't the one who spends hours reading, researching, planning, & then teaching.

  8. Op, I just want to point out that you have a situation, other than the dreadful medical problems for your oldest, that many people ENVY. I think there's something cultish in our culture right now that tells people they're never good enough and not allowed to be happy. You have fertility some women DREAM of (look at my sig!), and yet you feel you aren't doing enough. You've gotten to homeschool. You have all these nice things. But no, by our christian community if you don't sew your own clothes, eat eggs from your own chickens, run camps during the summer, can your food for winter, mill your grain, cook beautiful things from scratch, have brilliant kids who DE in 9th grade and score scads of APs and go to college on a full ride (at least LAC, not some state school), then you still AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH!!

     

    And don't think you think there's the re-adjustment of contentment and perspective? You've been given a lot of gifts, so many gifts it's hard to know what to do with them all at once. I think if it *is* the best thing for you to have some help schooling them, focusing on the gifts you have (not the additional gifts you wanted) can help. I know someone who is not allowed to homeschool her kids because, like you, she had a scad of kids. Her dh just really valued his family life and it wasn't going to work for their mix. Other people do it with a bunch of kids and challenges, but they choose not to have any more kids. What happens in a few months if you get pregnant again? Seriously, then what is a sane, loving, appropriate, healthful answer?

     

    I just think somehow our christian culture has saddled us with this "must do it ALL" kind of image, and women have limits and frailties. Do what brings your family peace. Do what you can do with contentment and joy. It is NOT doing less to make hard decisions.

     

    Personally, I think you could go either way and have it work, but I'd get really honest with yourself about what this looks like. Usually, when I need to be that honest with myself, it means I need to get away, pray, and have some real time by myself for my head to think, QUIET, so I can hear the still small voice that isn't so clear when I'm in the crowds and shuffle.

    I have been thinking about all you said & just want to say thank you. I am having a hard time putting my thoughts into words but so much of what you said touched my heart.

    • Like 2
  9. I get it, We have had norovirus followed by influenza while still juggling medical stuff, a house on the market, and my craziest toddler ever. That is life with a lot of littles.

     

    Even on the bad days, school needs to happen. i may use different resources on bad days, but school would be happening after OT (and we'd likely be listening to SOTW in the car like we did yesterday).

     

    Can you figure out a good day and an alternative day routine? Two alternative days where english and math happen but science and history are light would be acceptable to my Dh; doing only half a week of school week after week would be a dealbreaker.

     

    It is not failure on mom's part if home life is too chaotic to homeschool. It is failure, IMO, to let pride and fear and ideals get in the way of your child being educated.

     

    I still think you could make homeschooling happen, but a relaxed lifestyle doesn't mix well with lots of littles and SN kids and medical chaos. Fwiw, my daughter who died of brain cancer fit between my boys--my five kids were also born within ten years. I would look for advice from other moms with lots of littles. If you haven't lived it, you don't get it. (((Hugs)))

    I re-read this just now & don't know why I felt upset reading it the first time. I can be too sensitive at times & I am sorry. It is very good advice. Thank you!

  10. Your oldest dd had a brain tumour and seizures but your dh thinks your homeschooling caused her learning difficulties? If she was in school wouldn't she be missing days due to illness?

     

    I think if you can do English and math five days a week 90 PC of the time you will be fine.

     

    We went through a similar dilemma where dh wanted to blame homeschooling for every issue in life. I agreed that we would do school the following year if things weren't better. The following year we decided on doing a long road trip. So we had to homeschool. By the end of that year we were settled into a much better routine overall so it worked out ok.

     

    Why does he want you to work? It may be that he thinks you'd be better with more time away from home. I wonder how much thought he's given to juggling the logistics of work, childcare and school with that number of kids.

    He wants her to be normal so badly that he can't admit that it's the tumor. He downplays all of her issues so much that I sometimes feel crazy.

     

    And she would have missed a lot of days over the years. And who knows what the future holds. Med changes are the worst. If she was in school when those have happened in the past there would be no way she could keep pace.

     

    He wants me to work bc I have the potential to earn a very nice salary. He wants to 'get ahead' although we have a nice amt of $$ in savings. We choose to live frugally so we can pay cash for things. He wants nicer house on lots of land & newer cars & be debt free. He worries about money constantly. i guess he thinks that if I worked his money worries would be over. But there are so many expenses related to working outside the home & the fact that we have 5 kids (one of which who has medical issues) means I won't be able to earn as much as he thinks.

  11. My heart breaks for you. There is no perfect answer. You must take care of you or you and your family may fall apart. I agree, consider putting the school age kids in school for this next year, and maybe get help with the youngers. Heal yourself. Give your body and mind time. If homeschooling one or more later on seems the better option, then you can still do that. But putting the kids in school for this next year might really help.

     

    And yeah, WTM is probably not the healthiest place to be when you are very emotional and down on yourself. Goodness knows some of the posts on Gen Ed and the High School board have made me feel pretty darn inadequate. Thankfully there are some wonderful people on the LC board that have gently (or not so gently :) ) reminded me to look at ME, look at MY KIDS, look at MY LIFE to determine the best course of action, not what strangers choose to post about their kids.

     

    :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

    True.

  12. Regarding the bolded (mine) bit above:

    I think if you feel comfortable with relaxed early school, then I think you can make this work. You've got a lot going on with 5 kids ages 9 and under. It's a lot to ask of any one person to be everything to that many people. But--- with some organization, I bet you can do it. :001_smile:

     

    I might do something like this:

    Younger kids-- who nap-- get your attention in the morning. They would be my priority in the morning.

    The olders, who are able, can use the morning to: 1. listen to something like Story of the World history (or something similar) 2. Work on something like Aleksmath http://www.aleks.com/ 3. make a doable project off DIY.org https://diy.org/

    4. Work on something like this (for math review) https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/5-a-Day-Math-First-Grade-

    Spiraling-Review-FULL-YEAR-1623555 Anything that they can do nearly 100% on their own.

     

    Everyone would have some kind of walk before lunch where they can gather leaves, bring their nature journals etc.. Or just go play outside.

     

    Everyone eats lunch.

     

    Napping kids take a nap.

    Olders time to get one on one attention would happen during naptime. That would be the time when I'd focus on doing anything that requires you to help directly with your older kids: science, writing etc.

     

    I'd probably combine and do something like Bravewriter with all the olders at the same time http://store.bravewriter.com/collections/language-arts-programs/products/quiver-of-arrows

     

    Naptime is over--- time for appointments, outside classes, shopping etc.

    Honestly, I would keep my morning-afternoon completely free of anything but home stuff. It's tempting to make appts in the morning/early afternoon, but then when you get home--- everyone is out of sorts and you have no rhythm to your day again.

     

    Just my thoughts...

    Laura

    Thanks.

     

    I didn't have much choice on appt times. And one is over an hours drive one way.

    • Like 1
  13.  

    I agree about the mother's helper.

    Also, this is not going to transition until next fall anyway, right?

    So you have the summer to catch up.

    I would suggest giving yourself permission to homeschool throughout the summer, and that will take some of the pressure off of this school year.

    I wonder whether your oldest has math LD's or is just behind? Can a good video program done 6 days per week (because math is easily forgotten by those who are not inclined that way) catch her up by the end of the summer? Saxon has those excellent DIVE CD's, and many people like Teaching Textbooks (which is easier). Quartermile Math will give her good facts and speed practice no matter what program she uses. That would help a great deal with the consistency issue for her.[/quote

     

    She definitely has math LD.

     

    I do school work with her-we don't just not do anything. Most weeks it's 4 days a week with some 3 days & 5 days thrown in there.

     

    But there have been periods of time (esp with medication changes/issues) where she could not participate in school. The last one I posted about on here & everyone told me to back off school for a while. That's what I felt like was right as well but posts like prairiewind's make me feel like that is t the right thing to do. And I know she isn't trying to make me feel bad-but it does. I guess I am just not cut out for this. Enrolling everyone, going back to work, & forgetting this all ever happened sounds like the best thing.

     

    And-I probably shouldn't have posted this. I am too emotional today. WTM & high emotions don't mix.

    • Like 1
  14. Can you get life together to do school every day (5/7 days) with your school aged children? I think that for me, that is the key question. They need consistent schooling, regardless of everything else going on. School may look different on bad days, but the fundamental routine has to be there. It is a hard question when you have littles and a complicated medical life but you still have to be able to get the basics in.

    I really do try. Take today for example. Baby had tummy ache & didn't sleep well. I was slow getting around bc I am tired. Baby is cranky this morning & cries when I am not holding her. Oldest DD needs quiet & calm to work. when weather is good I send baby out with 7 yr old. Cool & wet here today so that isn't option. We have OT this afternoon so nap time school isn't option (we have therapy 2 days a week in afternoons).

     

    There is some variation of this at least 2 days a week. Last week it was stomach bug. Week before it was something else. And so on.

     

    I love routine & schedules and I know that is what is best for all. I love my 1 yr old but since she was born life has been chaotic! She was difficult right from the moment I found out I was pregnant!

  15. Honestly?. See a doctor and get the PPD in check. You are never going to be clear headed and well enough to make sound decisions until the hormones are under control. Five kids in ten years is a lot....And a sick child with a brain tumor?

     

    There is no hard and fast rule about homeschooling and regular classroom schooling. Who is to say that the NT kids cannot attend the ps for a year or so until life settles back down? I know families with three kids where one child is in the ps, another is in private, and the eldest is at home.

     

    Without blame, maybe sit down with your DH and develop a compromise strategy. Make the best of it. Since your DH wants the kids in ps, he needs to step up and work with you to make the transition a happy one. No excuses from him either. If you decide to place the eldest in school, use an advocate to help you with the process. As I understand it, some states will provide an advocate if you ask for one.

     

    I'm sorry for your problems. :grouphug:

    Thanks. I am under doctor's care.

     

    If I sent the one to public school and one to preschool then I would have a 3 yr old & 1 yr old at home with me & DD. I don't think that would work out very well. My 7 yr old DD is great at helping me with little ones & if she is gone I dont know how I would get much done. So I think sending all the 'old enough' ones would be only real option.

  16. I would go through the special ed evaluation process just to see what their offer is. You are under no obligation to enroll your child as a result of the IEP eval.

     

    My SN child is in PS and having her there has allowed me to continue HSing my older kids. If I wanted to HS her, she'd take up so much of my attention that I would need to enroll the others in a B&M school.

    She just had testing done by neuropsych in December so they shouldn't need to re-eval.

  17. I have gone to counseling but it got pushed to the side lately. We have 5 kids ages 1 to 9-all girls.

     

    I don't think there are any outsourcing abilities here unless it's online but that is limited bc of our internet service.

     

    I worked in a public school & was underwhelmed to say the least. Specific concerns for oldest is that the school will give us a big run around & services will be delayed & sub par. I have some knowledge of the districts here & none are especially great & a few are definite no! My other school age girl would probably do fine in PS but I don't care for the way things are done in PS. We are Christians & that worldview is important to me. I also really identify with relaxed early school, reading classics, spending lots of time outside, etc. but I am just not able to carry it out the way I envisioned.

     

    There is a small Christian Montessori school that has rave reviews. It is a lot of money & we could probably only send one. It might be good choice for oldest with LDs. She has brain tumor & seizures so I am also concerned about medical side of things. I don't think it would be an issue at any school but it's in the back of my mind. We have lost months of school time due to medication issues & dr appts.

     

    Thanks for the hugs. I need them today.

  18. We are trying to make a decision for what school will look like for our family next year.

     

    Without giving too much personal info-we have had some personal struggles this year (marriage, PPD, behavior problems with neuro typical kids, very needy baby). Plus oldest dd being diagnosed with ADHD & math LD. Some days I feel too overwhelmed with it all & feel like I don't give my best to any of the kids. Other days are awesome-exactly what I imagine a 'good' home school looks like. I am not consistent enough. I try to follow routines but it seems like something inevitably messes it up.

     

    DH wants to send them to school. He wants me to go back to work part time. He thinks this will solve all the problems. I disagree. I think it is exchanging one headache for another. Homework, dealing with special Ed services, school activities, driving, etc.

     

    He also thinks that DDs LD are my fault. He has no confidence in my ability to do this successfully. And maybe he is right. I think he is in denial (DD has many issues). But like I said-we have marriage issues so I try not to let him in my head too much.

     

    I just need to talk it out with other moms who have LD kids & home school. My sister does not understand why I am so torn up about this. I don't want to put them in school. But I just feel like a failure most days & dont understand why it's so hard!

     

    How do you know when it's time to throw in the towel? How do you determine if your decisions are sound vs fear based?

     

    Help please

  19. Yes I meant sensitivity-not allergy. It was late & I was half asleep. She passed gas all night in her sleep.

     

    It was spicy. But not a new spice. Maybe just the amount.

     

    No one else in the house has allergies/sensitivities so I just wasn't sure what was up!

  20. My 15 month old loved the tilapia I fixed for dinner. My MIL changed what she said was a 'gross & terribly stinky' diaper about 2 hrs later. Then about 7 lhrs after eating it she woke up screaming & couldn't be consoled. She had explosive diarrhea & then calmed down. Could this indicate an allergy? Or just a tummy ache? She had stomach flu last week & didn't act like that! It was terrible! None of my other kids has any kind of allergies.

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