Well, we tried. It looks like we won't ever be able to repair this relationship though. My plan was to stay out of it (and I did!) But my SIL wrote an email to my DH describing in great detail what she went though, but with my daughter instead. I get that she's grieving, but I will not stand by while she fantasies to us our daughter's death. Who does that? I really hope she gets the help she needs, but I really don't ever want to see her again.

I may have been using the wrong terms, we found out that there HAD BEEN a Memorial when it was mentioned (past tense) in the obituary which I read in the paper (and I read it "in the paper" via a FB link because I don't actually read the physical paper) The last we had heard, they weren't sure they were going to have one. I didn't want anyone thinking we were waiting around for an invitation of some kind. I used "invitation" only in the sense of being told it was happening and when. It is helpful to know that there is nothing more that we can do. I know many of you hate that we text, but my SIL has major phone anxiety. She will not answer a phone. She will not listen to a voice mail. She *hates* phone calls because she feels "on the spot". We just don't do anything other than texting. It's just the way it is. I texted her today that we understood and respect her need for space and we'll be available for her if and when she's ready to see us, however long that takes. Also, the hurt isn't coming from a place of "we weren't told about the Memorial". It's coming from a place of "I don't understand how you can not tell us about the Memorial and then be so angry at us for not being there you can't bear be around us." I'm realizing that no matter what we did or didn't do she would be angry with us because we are more dispensable to her than other family members. I'm trying to think of being a target for her anger as giving her a gift to help her grieve.

None of my BIL's family was invited to the memorial. So, there was no way we could have found out without calling every hours asking if plans had been made, which we are not comfortable doing. Thanks for all the further replies. I have a plan now and this has been helpful.

What would have been right away? I'm honestly not sure how it could have been sent any earlier.

He picked out the ornament while he was laying prone on the couch. He signed the card the same day. I hit the "submit order" button, but that was about it. I don't know how much sooner we could have sent it for it to be "right away".

Correct. It's his brother's wife. And, really, in the 8 years they've been married, I'm not sure they've ever said more than "pass the peas" to eat other. At family gatherings, she & I would chat and our husbands would run off and hang out with their youngest brother (who is significantly younger). I'm hearing everything you guys are saying. My take-aways at this point is: 1. My DH should have called his brother, despite being on strong pain meds & recovering from surgery. 2. We need to just let things lie and wait and see if we ever see her again. 3. My DH needs to keep working at building a relationship with his brother. I can live with that.

It was right away. We sent it before she was home from the hospital.

He did send her a card. There was a card enclosed in the ornament we sent. Is the problem the card was signed by both of us instead of just him?

I think this is exactly right. I get that logically, I shouldn't take it personally. In reality, the things she has said and done really hurt. Especially since our intent all along has been to support them.

I neglected to mention this in my OP, but I think it is becoming relevant information that my DH is autistic and is working 2 jobs. Had my BIL called my DH and wanted to talk, he would have been there. The *second* he had even an inkling that he might have hurt his brother by not calling, he called, 3 times, without response. My BIL has said on numerous occasions that he has no hurt feelings whatsoever about the ways and times we reached out.

Texting has been our only form of communication for the past 8 years. I could not physically show up at the hospital because I had to care for my husband. He had just gotten out of surgery. She has already turned ugly to us. I guess I was hoping there would be a third option other than 1) keep taking the abuse because she is grieving or 2) cut her out of our life.

Counseling for her has been encouraged and suggested by everyone she knows. She's either not seeking it, or it's not helping.

Thank you all for your help. My SIL, BIL, DH & myself all talked on the phone tonight. It went better than I could have ever hoped. We are talking, we are clearing up all kinds of misinterpretations, hurts, etc. I really do feel that it was able to come to such a positive place because of all the feedback you gave me. By keeping in mind the perspectives you offered, I feel like I was able to get to a place of active listening and not need to defend myself. We all got to speak, listen and come to an understanding that we all did the best we could with what we had. So, thank you. We can move forward in a much more positive way and I think we will all be so much closer because of it.

Yes. I made everything in advance and just put the finished jars in the fridge. It also made it amazingly easy to transport, as I kept the box the jars came in.

I just made a cute gift for some women: Cranberry Margaritas in a mason jar. I added some fresh cranberries to float in the jar, printed off some free gift tags and stuck one on the jar, and bought some little red glitter ornaments ($3.99 for 16 at Kroger) and tied it around the top with ribbon. They looked SO pretty (and the margaritas were amazingly delicious!) The margarita mix makes 4 8oz jar fulls. The recipe for that is 1 1/2 c cranberry cocktail juice, 3/4 c tequilla, 1/2 c triple sec, 1/4 c lime juice. If you want it extra strong, trade out the triple sec for 1/2 c patron orange liquor and the lime juice for 1/2 c patron lime liquor. Including washing all the jars in the dishwasher, it took 2 hrs to make. Assembling was 15 minutes, tops.

Disavow means to deny any responsibility or support for. Synonyms are disown, repudiate and reject. I'm also puzzled by your use of the word welcome. It would seem these policies are being enacted to create a very UNwelcome situation for LBQT people. If that's the stance, please own it. Just say "those people" aren't wanted around you & yours. Don't try to sugar coat it that it's loving and you are welcome to come and hear your children disavow everything about you.

Thank you for sharing!

I disagree 100% that anything about this policy could be considered wise or loving.

I am taking serious issue with the rational behind this policy being to not cause contention in the family with how family-friendly Mormonism is. I'm sorry, but that is just NOT a consideration at all. If keeping peace in families was at all a concern of Mormonism, they would not forbid non-Mormon family members from attending temple wedding. They would not create policies like this that create nothing but spiritual abuse for parents and children of those who have LBQT family members, not to mention those who identify as LBQT themselves. For those that believe that the sole purpose of their lives is to be bound in a family forever (all for the glory of the Heavenly Father, of course) BUT you don't qualify because of something that is completely out of your power to change, that seems to be the very definition of spiritual abuse. As for that article, it seems VERY disingeous to suggest that if you wholeheartedly disagree with this policy, read the Book of Mormon and pray until you agree. Is that a cultural way of saying sit down and shut up? Because that sure is how it comes across.

If it were me asking, no matter how uncomfortable it made my friend, if they thought it wouldn't work at all, I would want them to tell me that right away. She's already told you she has other people she can ask. By you agreeing, you are taking away the option of asking those other people she can ask. Maybe the other people that it wouldn't interrupt their day. Maybe the other person who is REALLY wanting just one day to herself to get something done. If you think of it like that, the best thing to do is tell her as soon as possible it's not going to work so she can find someone it will work with. The worst thing would be to wait until after school starts, and her other options have already signed up for gymnastics class that meets at the same time she needed them, you know?

I am planning for next year and am trying to decide what our schedule should look like. Previously, I would have all 3 kids at the table at the same time & I'd bounce between all 3. Last year, my youngest was preschool and my middle was first grade. This year, it seems like it's going to be so much more intense doing K, 2nd & 6th. I have a schedule written out to do school all together, with my K getting all my attention for the first hour of the day while the boys work independently. Then, I just juggle the boys for the rest of the day. But! I am considering instead doing school from 8-9 with K, 9-11 with 2nd, 11-1 with 6th and then having lunch at 1. We would break until 2 and then I'd be available for any additional help on things that didn't get done from 2-3:30. Is this crazy? Has anyone else managed their days this way? I know lots of people combine their kids for different subjects, but for a variety of reasons, every.single.subject is completely different for each kid, so that's not a possibility.

We take 2 weeks off in December & then start up again the first Monday in January. The second week off "counts" for January.

I plan 36 weeks, but with one week off a month & the entire month of August off. The kids & I both know we have to complete those days if we want to have a complete break on the off weeks. So, we finish a week's worth of school every on week no matter what! We will do it on the weekends, double up subjects, whatever to get it done. I do not allow myself to buy unit studies and extra lessons to fit in on the off weeks. We all just get a break. When my father-in-law had a stroke on a school week and we spent 14 days driving to the hospital every day, *I* did not do school those days. However, my amazing brother called his boss and got permission to work from home so he could work at MY home & have my kids continue doing their school work. I was going to just take that time off, but he was totally willing to supervise their work. When one of the kids is sick, the rest keep going and the sick one makes up the work on the weekend. They are seldom sick more than one day. If I am sick, my husband will oversee their work when he gets home. Our "on" weeks are the first priority for my whole family, so it's not something that I am left to do alone and make it work with everyone & everything working against me. The kids REALLY love their whole entire weeks off where they don't have to do ANY school, so that is motivation for them to focus during the on weeks. I think maybe we all have more people we can call upon in these situations than we realize. I certainly never thought about asking my brother to teach the kids for me, while he was working! But, he did. They did their assignments, asked him if/when they needed help and we all got to stay more on track. You might be surprised how many others are willing to do the same.

I went on a week-long trip to Iceland. When I got back to Ohio my co-workers were asking me what kind of food I ate. When I mentioned I had reindeer for dinner one evening, they looked at me like I was crazy. One said "But, reindeer don't exist!" I said "Well, the flying one's don't....??" They just would not believe me that reindeer exist outside of the Santa Clause story. Another time I had an electrician come to my house to give me an estimate on redoing our wiring. The estimate was $1500. I thanked him for his time and let him know we'd start saving up so we could get the work done. He tried to get me to finance the work saying "If you pay $100 a month you'll have it paid off in less than a year!" I asked him how that was possible and his response was "Well, the minimum payment is $64/month and if you pay more than that it gets paid off faster. It'll be less than a year." I tried to show him the math that it would take at least 15 months to pay off, but to no avail.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0756682347?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s01 We loved this coloring book when my 5th grader did anatomy as part of a larger biology unit. It had tons of information, detailed drawings, blank sheets for testing or review, and just really neat drawings.