Been there, done that, had to put the phone back in. DD will "borrow" any cell phone she comes across to get phone access. With cell phones comes pics, Internet access and lots of other trouble like GPS locators, etc. We put the house phone back in after a lengthy absence so we could ensure that DD not steal, stay safely inside the home while on the phone, not obtain Internet access and so that we could block, track and record calls. It's a crazy life with an FASDer, but she's worth it.

We plan to move heaven and earth to do so by the time she turns 18. On the second option, yep, that's in the plans as well.

Yeah, I know FB friending him is not a perfect solution. Just something there to stop and make him think...this woman is gonna get all up in my business! I'm sure if he does friend me back, he'll limit what I can see. I just want him to know I'm looking! ;) Now his momma is another story...she's really nice and talkative and will work with me. I'll be chatting with her frequently, me thinks!

Oh, I can only hope! ;) I just FB friended the boy and his mom. Insert evil laugh here! He's going to love me or hate me desperately.

Your instincts and mine are the same. Problem is, due to her disability, the kid will move heaven and earth to contact the boy. Bringing him closer to us seemed the lesser of the two evils at this point. :( Obviously, hoping to make it play out and make him move on fast.

Your ETA addresses what I said to DD this afternoon. This was about her behavior, not his. I want to cut the phone calls way down and I want her to understand that her unwillingness to limit herself is the reason. However, if you've ever worked with an FASD kid, you know that the particular way that their brains are damaged makes cause and effect extremely difficult to grasp. I will tell her to limit her phone time and she will respond with "Well, then, just let me call him!" Rinse, repeat, for hours. It isn't defiance, it is a damaged brain trying to get its perceived "needs" met. The logic just isn't there for these kids...it is horrible. Our attempts to break through at this point is to say compare the situation to a bag of cookies...one or two cookies is not a problem, but eat the whole bag and then...oh, no, a stomach ache and no cookies left for tomorrow! Because we have repeated and explained this analogy so many times, it occasionally works. Other times, I get just an "I don't care." Coaching this child is going to take a lifetime. :( Oh, and BTW...your perspective on the situation is dead on! ;) Good ideas, thanks!

The above post was my response to you...I screwed up the quoting! :)

My concerns about the boy come from a couple of areas...first, they met on Facebook, which DD has been forbidden from using. Long story as to how she managed to use it, but suffice to say that she has proven extremely creative as to finding ways to get online despite our best efforts (and our efforts are HUGE, given her disability and the fact that my DH is a software engineer!). I've learned that we simply cannot control everything with an FASD kid and it is best to restrict where we can and walk alongside her when we can't. Secondly, this boy played a minor role in some shenanigans which went on via FB regarding sexting with DD. As I mentioned before, this is the point at which we realized she could be talked into anything! He knows what happened with some of his friends and may have participated in some way. He has apologized and "turned over a new leaf," but is still in the dog house as far as I am concerned. I'm willing to forgive, but we are still in the "trust but verify" stage and will probably stay there a long time. Finally, any boy who will hold hands, try to cuddle on the couch with and kiss DD on the nose IN FRONT OF FAMILY MEMBERS (forgive the shouting...) after such an incident and after we have expressed our concerns is highly suspect in my opinion. Not gonna happen here, not with my kids and not with my disabled DD. Make more sense now?

Amy, that is hysterical. I love it! Duck Dynasty is already a near obsession in this house, so I might start there! :)

Not rude at all...FASD stands for Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. Basically, my daughter's brain was permanently and profoundly damaged by her birth mother's choice to drink alcohol during pregnancy. I suspect her birth mother actually has an FASD herself. In any case, she does not have the physical features of a child with FAS (which only occurs in children exposed during a small window of maybe a week very early in the pregnancy) but unfortunately has severe brain damage that cannot be seen. This makes things all the more difficult for her in society, because she looks and sounds totally normal (and wishes to be!) and yet is significantly and permanently developmentally delayed that she cannot make it in the world without 24/7 supports. People assume she is fine, expect her to function at a normal level and then get mad at her when she cannot. She may never live independently but will always strive to do so. It is heartbreaking. One plus I haven't yet mentioned is that she is only steps away from being approved for a service dog. Please pray with us that this goes through!!! We should know next week. If approved, it will be an awesome support AND distraction for her. We really need this right now.

Oh yes, hon, you are definitely welcome to get in on the swap! ;)

DD's "boyfriend" is a normally developing teen who actually is quite bright...I believe he skipped a grade. DD's IQ is high enough that she can cover up her issues in a basic teen relationship and just look like a cute, ditzy teenage girl. I believe he's seen some extra drama, but the depth of the problem is probably beyond him. It doesn't help that she is beautiful and physically appears to be in her late teens! Ugghh. FASD kids are in the unenviable position of having bodies that typically mature very early (she started her period at ten) but having brain damage that impairs their judgement throughout life. She will often trust a stranger more than a family member...scary stuff, heartbreaking really. We tried to get her off the phone and out of the house this morning and it resulted in a two hour meltdown. She did, however, just leave with my husband for the mountains for a few hours. I think I am also going to call his momma (a retired cop) and ask her to limit his time on the phone with her to two hours a day so that my battle is being fought on two fronts. I did tell her today a flat out NO to going to dinner with his family unless Daddy went along. Surprisingly, she was okay with that plan. DH also just discovered a way to record conversations on our Vonage line, which is the only one she uses. We plan on informing the other family that we have this capability and will be using it to make sure she isn't manipulated in the relationship. Given the other Momma's deep concern that this relationship stay platonic, I'm betting this will be fine with her.

I like the ideas about keeping her busy, too. I'm going to try to up her volunteer activities at the barn for a while. Riding/working more should help. DH is taking all four kids to the mountains today, too, to get her off the phone and get me some homeschool planning time, I can probably talk with her riding instructor and ask what she can do for a few weeks to keep her extra busy!

Yesterday, there was hand holding and he used an old ruse to kiss her on the nose. The fact that he did that with her brothers in the room was frightening to me. DH wasn't there at that moment, but he came in running and sat there the rest of the visit. He told him in no uncertain terms that that sort of thing was NOT going to happen. This is exhausting, really. She's gotta learn somehow, though, so it's better that it happen now than after she is 18. We hope for guardianship at that point, but it's a legal morass and there are no guarantees. Best to learn by experience while we have some control, since it will take her forever to learn.

She's 14 going on 5, really. It is SO hard! He has only seen her twice at our house when we are present. He is in a cast right now, so that helps...he cannot get around much at all. Coming off in November, though. We have a "no cell phones or online activity" rule at this house due to an unfortunate pic swapping incident some time ago (which is what originally tipped us off to how vulnerable she is!), so she is on the house phone only. The phone is taken up at night...off by eight. Interesting that you would suggest talking about the legal implications of the relationship...I just got off the phone with the boy and we were discussing just that. Apparently, his mom explained the disability to him last night and he wanted me to know he was not looking for anything physical. (Well, yeah...he's 16, so I take that with a grain of salt, but it's still nice to hear!). So, given your advice, I took the moment to inform him that she could not give "consent" and that we would take any moves on his part extremely seriously. Uggh.

Oh, I LIKE that idea! ;)

UPDATE in post 104! Ok, here's the deal...I have a 14 year old DD who has FASD. She has a sixteen year old "boyfriend" whom we don't approve of and whom we wish to make disappear. We are pretty sure this boy is just waiting for a moment to get her alone...disasterous with her lack of judgement. We need creative ideas on how to work around her disability to make this relationship go away. Basically, the reason this is complicated is that DD has the judgement and self control of about a five year old, but doesn't know it and is determined to act like a normal 14 year old. The strength of her will is amazing to behold and there is no telling her flat out "no" without her running straight at the forbidden thing (think, the stories that Rose has been telling about her son...lots of similarities here!). Her thinking is not normal, she has a lower IQ and she doesn't learn from experience the way that other kids do. She does not see the potential for danger here and believes he "loves her." So, we need to make him lose interest fast. So far, we have told him she is not allowed to date and we have told his very supportive parents about her disability and asked them to help him understand the need for protecting her. Don't think this is enough after meeting him. so we have moved on to "you can only see DD in our home when her father is present and prefer that you only talk on the phone." Of course, neither are thrilled and both are pressuring for ways around this. We plan to hold fast and hope he finds us too strict to deal with. We are having problems limiting phone time due to her "all or nothing" personality, but it is somewhat manageable that way. Any other creative ideas on how to gently get rid of a boy? We will also continue to try to help her "see the light" but her learning disabilities make this a long term project. Thanks for any advice! Don't mean to be rude, but don't bother posting any "just put your foot down and tell her no" kind of advice. It just doesn't work with FASD kids. If it did, we'd have gone there long ago.

She did great!!! Thanks for the prayers. Absolutely abject terror for a little while there and had me a little concerned, but she warmed up and did great!!! So proud of her. Now we wait to hear!!

Margaret, this dog will help my daughter with self-regulation, will act as a social buffer and will help with panic attacks and sensory issues. It's more akin to a psychiatric service dog (but technically not one) than what you are probably used to. DD doesn't need physical assistance at all...her disabilities are "invisible" ones...so we will not need the dog to provide assistance with lights, doors, seeing or hearing, etc. He or she will provide calming deep pressure along with other techniques that will help DD manage in the world with her brain injury.

My 14 yr dd and I will be attending a personal interview and all day training session in the morning to hopefully prepare us for receiving a service dog, should we be accepted. The service dog will be to assist DD with her FASD and is desperately wanted/needed at our house! I'm nervous and excited at the same time. Please pray that DD and I can stay calm, cool and collected all day and have a good interview! Whatever the outcome, we just hope to do well tomorrow. Thanks!

So sorry...I can totally relate!!

Thanks so much to everyone for all the great ideas and advice! My son and I are going to have a great time! (Well, at least for the sightseeing part...I can't imagine that the hospital part will be as thrilling!)

That's a great idea, thanks!

Ooooo...food! Didn't think about that! DS is a seafood nut. He's gonna flip out! Oh, and prayers needed...the hospital home is full and we cannot afford a hotel so far. Any ideas, I'd love to hear 'em!

All of that sounds great! Any additional ideas are appreciated! I will run them all by him and see what he wants to do. I found out that we may be able to stay at a hospital run home for $30 a night, so we are applying there. No way can I do the $450 a night we've found so far!!