In a previous thread Joanne made a good point about parenting being the difference and the important bit. People tend to take the no dating thing on because dating results in so many problems for so many kids, apparently- but they tend to look at the extreme cases or their own childhood. I am not trying to say you should change your mind...I am just saying that if you do compromise and your ds gets to date- be assured that the fact you are watching and still involved as a parent is a huge thing and will make the world of difference to your son, and is not the same as throwing him to the wolves.

I bought a refurbished 27" IMac from the Mac store and I looooooooove it. One reason I wanted a Mac is so that my dh did not have to spend hours and hours fixing my computer installing stuff, uninstalling stuff, defragging, rebooting, wiping clean and all of the various things he had to do regularly to our several PCs. I was tired of it. I wanted something more user friendly. I sold a musical instrument I wasnt using and asked dh- the PC computer expert- to help me buy a Mac. He wanted a bargain- he is a bargain hunter. All our PCs were put together cheaply from parts. We bought a Mac book pro 2nd hand from a dealer through ebay. It didnt work. We bought another one. It also didnt work. It was a sign to me- stop relying on dh and just spend the money on what I really, really want. He did come around and helped me buy a fantastic refurbished IMac from the Apple store, online, and also I bought Applecare for 3 years. Now dh actually can't help me. He tried the other day- my ITunes was doubling all my songs and he spent hours explaining how we needed to deal with it, wipe my Itunes from all the places it was on my Mac, reinstall the music from my old PC in one place. I said- no, thats too complicated, I am a MAC person now, there has to be an easier way. I spent a few minutes googling. There was- install a small app it erased all the doubles. Simple. Dh said to me- he is old school- I am the new computer expert of the family! I wonder how long till he gets a MAc. Just do it. Get the most recent one you can afford. Get it from someone reputable. Get Applecare. You will love it.

Australia. Oh, I am here already. As for creepy critters- in the cities they are not bad at all. And at least we don't have bears when we go camping! Well, apart fro the drop bears. Kidding. Bears, really? You guys have bears- and cougars! We just have a few poisonous snakes and spiders and they are far more scared of you than you are of them! No big dangerous critters! The weather here makes up for everything, anyway. But...well, it is raining right now, but thats a very good thing where I live, which has endless months of beach weather and no rain. Americans have said to me that its very similar to America here except that we are less stressed out, more relaxed. Sounds good to me. I live on the west coast which is in a bit of a time warp too, and I like it that way.

I have been reading about this lately as I have studying indigenous Australian culture. I feel that as white modern people, we have to a large extent discarded our culture in favour of a modern lifestyle. We no longer respect our elders, the land we belong to- whether born there or adopted, our ancestors. We dont respect the knowledge that was passed down from generation to generation because we dont value it any more- we value what is new and proved by modern science. Our culture actually has disdain for the past. We consider ourselves superior to people in the past. So, I dont think many of us really do have much of a sense of culture - although if you take to some people from some cultures, such as for example Indians or Chinese- they will have a huge sense of cultural heritage- and they have respect for their elders and ancestors- it goes hand in hand. Just not us white anglo-europeans who were transplanted to different countries like Australia and the U.S. So some people recognise this is a great loss and try to regain what we lost ...such as by teaching kids to find out about their culture and do assignments on it! Many people have done their family tree to try and gain a sense of their culture and belonging as well. If you want to take the assignment seriously, you could do a little research and do a bit of a family tree and just write down what you do know, and then do a bit more research and find out some more. Go back another generation, for example. Do you have any recipes you cook that your mother or grandmother cooked? Do you live in the same area as your grandparents? What is the history of the land where your son lives now- was it always a city or town? Was it used for something else? I think cultural heritage is about a sense of belonging- to a people, to a land. We tend to be very disconnected from that.

Prioritise the things you and/or your kids find fun. Make sure you do them- don't put them off for serious stuff. Dont let formal school take over your day- with a 6yo, I think a couple of hours max is good. For us, that was our daily read aloud time on the couch, out of the house activities, going to the park etc As a mum, I made sure I got some me time as well.

Dh and I have never trusted sunscreen and don't use it or put it on our kids at all- and dh at least is not a conspiracy theory guy- it just seemed like common sense to him. Never have and we live in a very hot place and love the beach. We just cover up and stay out of the midday sun. It's not hard.

Can you get your husband to postpone it another year and go year by year, staying open to what might be best? My son did not always treat me well, or dh, but he was 15 before he would no longer work for me and the fights got too much and I sent him to school. By that time, it was the right decision to make and he is thriving at school. But at 12 he still needed a lot of attention and a lot of help with schoolwork. It sounds like your dh is at a loss as to how to manage your son's behaviour effectively- is that so? When my son behaved badly and I would be in tears, dh would go and talk to ds, give some consequences, threaten him with returning to school (which for a long time ds didn't want to do) and then dh would talk to me about how I needed to be stricter etc- and we would get through for a while. But eventually dh's methods no longer had much effect and I could not keep going with the daily struggles- it seemed to be a sign that ds needed to rub against different people, different teachers, etc He is not a bad kid- he had just outgrown homeschool and being with mum all day. The teachers at school like him. I think if you cannot find an effective way to manage him, to be with him, if it is not primarily a positive experience, even though some bad days are normal- you need help and your dh is just trying to help. Dh's do generally love to help and "send the kid to school" is just trying to help. School may not be the answer, but it sounds like you need to find something, some way, some system, some approach, or outside help, that will make a serious difference. Then the homeschooling won't be the issue it is now. Homeschooling just because it is your passion, your conviction, is probably not the best reason and wont work to convince your dh- it needs to be making a positive difference in your son's life.

Even though we are equal, we are unique and each of us tends to naturally have more authority in certain areas. There are issues around the kids where I simply don't ask dh as we probably would disagree, but they are not huge issues, and I take authority there as a matter of course because I do the day to day parenting more than he does. I don't want the hassle so I dont ask. When we made the decision to homeschool- that was a big and we were even living separately at the time, but I still felt I needed his agreement. I had to work really hard to get him to agree to a 6 month trial. After that initial decision, I made most of the decisions regarding homeschooling, and eventually, our kids going back out into the world. Other issues- such as safety, I often do defer to him. As the kids are asking to go to parties, drive in other peoples' cars...I have asked them to check with their dad first. He is stricter. We both also are very intuitive, and I would like us both to check in with our gut feelings each and every time. I don't bother deferring to him if I have already said no, though. Day to day money stuff he tends to make more decisions than me, but usually consults with me. So...we are not weighed equally in all areas. If the decision you need to make regarding your child affects one of you personally more than the other, I think that should alter the balance of whose decision should weigh more. Or perhaps one of you is far more experienced in a certain area- perhaps that should weigh more. If its all equal...one of you will have to allow the other to win, so to speak. But remember it and make sure it isn't that way every time.

I pray too as a non Christian, but also feel that prayers, while always heard and answered in some way, are not always answered in the direct way we might like. I like Asta's response- Thy Will Be Done is foundational. God isn't a wish fulfilling tree. Life can be really, really hard. And sometimes we make it harder than it needs to be by our actions and our attitude. Thats the bit we can work on- our response to the circumstances we are dealt with. If it were as easy as praying and getting what we want, our hearts would not be polished. But...all that Im sure you know and you probably still need :grouphug:

I'm very glad you are there doing what you are doing, Jean. Sounds like it was worth it already.

:iagree: My house is big, my dh is a pack rat, my teenagers messy, we have lots of pets, and still I don't spend much time cleaning and the house is pretty good most of the time. But I have to thank Flylady for helping me prioritise, to know what to do to keep it in order- it literally takes maybe 30 seconds to do my bathroom daily. A few minutes here and there, and regular decluttering (it comes in the door consistently, so I have to consistently get rid of stuff), and its all good. We did have a housecleaner for a while when the kids were babies- I was grateful for that. I am glad I started Flylady years ago before it became what it is today. I too wish they had a FLylady -lite. But..there is. You can read her book and get the gist of the system and set up your morning and evening routines and zones. You can get the emails in a daily digest. I am not into all the extras they have, either, but the original, bare bones system changed my life and it is fairly internalised nowadays. I don't follow it exactly at all, but I know how to get back on top of things.

Together for 20 years. Not an easy marriage, but our perspective has been to grow, to accept each other, to use our marriage to learn about ourselves and each other and to grow as people. He has been the more committed, me the more flighty. I keep things moving and fresh, unstuck, he keeps things more stable. We are very different and most would be surprised we are together- especially us. There is a lot of love, a lot of independence, much fighting over the years- but not pointless fighting. Fighting for what we believe in, what is right for us...fighting for the best. Fighting to move through difficult times and come out the other side. We are ok with that. Lots of difficult times, sometimes for weeks. But overall, a rewarding marriage with plenty of happiness as well. Our day to day, and week to week atmosphere is generally "upbeat".

I have a large house but the clutter seems to just accumulate. Everyone is out right now, and most of the next couple of days. Shhhh. Don't tell. They probably won't notice anything missing.

Regular sugar, every time. I refuse to let artificial sugar in the house. Dh insists on soda, but buys the sugar kind. Sugar is at least a real food- your body knows what to do with it, it has normal pathways. The chemical stuff- just google side effects of aspartame. Not good. Especially for growing, sensitive kids. sweetpoison.com/aspartame-side-effects.html blindness in one or both eyes decreased vision and/or other eye problems such as: blurring, bright flashes, squiggly lines, tunnel vision, decreased night vision pain in one or both eyes decreased tears trouble with contact lenses bulging eyes Ear tinnitus - ringing or buzzing sound severe intolerance of noise marked hearing impairment Neurologic epileptic seizures headaches, migraines and (some severe) dizziness, unsteadiness, both confusion, memory loss, both severe drowsiness and sleepiness paresthesia or numbness of the limbs severe slurring of speech severe hyperactivity and restless legs atypical facial pain severe tremors Psychological/Psychiatric severe depression irritability aggression anxiety personality changes insomnia phobias Chest palpitations, tachycardia shortness of breath recent high blood pressure Gastrointestinal nausea diarrhea, sometimes with blood in stools abdominal pain pain when swallowing Skin and Allergies itching without a rash lip and mouth reactions hives aggravated respiratory allergies such as asthma Endocrine and Metabolic loss of control of diabetes menstrual changes marked thinning or loss of hair marked weight loss gradual weight gain aggravated low blood sugar (hypoglycemia) severe PMS Other frequency of voiding and burning during urination excessive thirst, fluid retention, leg swelling, and bloating increased susceptibility to infection Additional Symptoms of Aspartame Toxicity include the most critical symptoms of all death irreversible brain damage birth defects, including mental retardation peptic ulcers aspartame addiction and increased craving for sweets hyperactivity in children severe depression aggressive behavior suicidal tendencies Aspartame may trigger, mimic, or cause the following illnesses: Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Epstein-Barr Post-Polio Syndrome Lyme Disease Grave’s Disease Meniere’s Disease Alzheimer’s Disease ALS Epilepsy Multiple Sclerosis (MS) EMS Hypothyroidism Mercury sensitivity from Amalgam fillings Fibromyalgia Lupus non-Hodgkins Lymphoma Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) These are not allergies or sensitivities, but diseases and disease syndromes. Aspartame poisoning is commonly misdiagnosed because aspartame symptoms mock textbook ‘disease’ symptoms, such as Grave’s Disease.

I am really anti-meds but it does sound like strong anxiety- beyond the normal- and life debilitating. I would go and talk to someone professional.

I would have no problem sending my kids on a trip like that, at that age. But they have been Scouts and have been on many trips like that over the years.

My son has that obsessive trait too. Once he is fixated on something, he finds it hard to let go. I have used distraction over the years- it breaks the fixated thought process. In the end though...it is also a trait that allows a person to really be total about what they are doing- if its what they want to be doing. Also....many times, he does get fixated and he does get what he wants. He wanted a snake- he saved the money, he convinced both of us parents through long debate, he got his dad to help him shop around- he got his snake (our initial response was no way). He gets things that way- often things we initially say no to, but then eventually realise there is no real harm, he is intent, and he is paying...he gets it. I don't think it is all a bad trait. I call him a manifestor- because he does manifest what he wants. The "not fair" thing has been very strong. You just do what you do- and let her be unhappy. She will eventually mature to the point she can pull herself out of it and see things from other peoples' perspective. If she can't now, she can't...ds was the same- I would stay calm, try and keep my sense of humour because he was often so unreasonable it was humorous...and just be gently firm. Ds has largely grown out of that. one.

Originally, for academic reasons- ds was 7 years old and falling though the cracks in 2nd grade. He was emotionally disturbed- so there were emotional reasons as well. We decided on a trial of 6 months, and after 2 weeks, dh was completely convinced this was the most wonderful thing in the world, (ds's personality had changed back to an innocent, curious, fun loving kid), and we took dd out of school too So....the initial prompt was academic- ds was dyslexic. Then it because a lifestyle choice as well.

I find texting to be very useful and will text in preference to phoning if I just want to say something short. However..I don't like phoning. I text maybe half a dozen texts a week, usually to and from dh and my 2 teenagers. It does get useful once you have teens. I have one gf who texts me sometimes. I purposefully dont hand out my mobile phone number much- I use it mainly for my family so we can keep in touch. Very useful at the mall or when picking them up from somewhere. Or when a teen is getting home after dark, to stay in touch. I understand teens can be rude with it, and mine will often respond to texts while i am driving them somewhere and in full conversation- I will tell them that its rude at times. But it is their world too, and I make space for it as well. I think its a bit dangerous to get sour about the world our kids are growing up into. It is possible to embrace it while maintaining some boundaries.

I go through my crafts and throw stuff out that makes me feel guilty. Stuff I really do want to complete one day, I keep and stack neatly so it doesnt catch my eye all the time. The ONE project I want to do next, is out for me to see to trigger my memory when I have some spare time. I dropped a spinning wheel off at the op shop a few months ago. It took up space. I did enjoy spinning for a while, but then it just made me feel guilty for a long while because I didnt get to it. If one day I want to get back into spinning, I will buy a new wheel. Drop the guilt. Life is way too short.

I actually quite like the combination- but I really like a good sunshiny yellow. I rarely wear grey- dont like it much, dont understand why people wear it, kind of dull, boring...grey colour :) .....but at least with yellow, it is compensated and the grey is kind of...background. I love yellow :) I like grey and pink too...we have a bird here called a galah, that is pink and grey. Very beautiful. But then...see, I like pink. The grey, I can live without.

My dd fell for someone at that age- almost 15 though. She is very mature though- he was almost 2 years older. I can't say I ever felt there was a problem. It just felt natural. And after 5 months dd had had enough of the intensity. She is a social butterfly and has many male friends, and she felt obligated, owned, and she ended the relationship. The next serious one lasted a lot shorter time- same issue. Guy was intense, she felt stifled. But that's her. I have never made an issue out of my kids' romances. I don't have a belief they are wrong, bad, or should be controlled. Dh and I watch and use teachable moments to make sure dd especially is taking care of herself and respecting herself on all levels. That is our concern. But we do not interfere or try to control. My dd is a strong one though- no doormat. I am glad she has the ability to end a relationship. So does ds- he recently ended a 7 month relationship. No problem here so far- they are learning, they have managed it all well. There has been some heartbreak, some difficult moments and times, but it has all been lived out very well overall, as far as I can see. My kids are very free spirits, very independent, and nowadays, very wise- I do not try to control more than I need to.

I don't think about whats in fashion at all...I have my own style and it is fairly timeless and works well enough across the years, while I tweak it according to what colours I feel like wearing, and what turns up in op shops that appeals to me. I like colourful clothes, but in particular have a lot of yellow and pink clothes, some blue, a few tans and whites, recently some lime green, and a black outfit for when on the back of dh's motorbike :) As for styles- jeans and tshirts are pretty much always in fashion. I have many different coloured jeans and pants, including blue jeans which are my favourite. ANd many different tops- longs sleeved tshirts for winter and in between, and short sleeved for summer. I figured when bohemian came back in fashion a few seasons ago- peasant tops, long dresses etc- it was about time they catered to my style. I bought a lot new that season. But my style didn't change when that moved on.

Oh, I relate. My son is /was like that. I think having the son/mother dynamic made it harder in some ways- he was very manipulative of me- but easier in others- a certain adoration of each other that made me keep going and forgive him over and over. He is 15 now...and he is better. Much better. In fact, he is very wise, and quite mature in some ways. And in others..no, he is not generous. He still wants recognition for everything he does, and doesn't help out around the house voluntarily, and wants a medal if asked to . That character trait is still there. But he can play games now without flipping out if he is losing. He was generous with his girlfriend when he had one (ulterior motives, but at least he did know how to be!). he behaved really well at other peoples' places. Other people have always told me what a lovely kid he is- he helps out, empties the garbage at other peoples' places! Just not at home. Because he is a charmer. We have always joked about our little demon child. He has been so demanding and unreasonable, from birth, if thats possible. But I have to keep reminding dh- now that he is 15- the mischief he is getting up to as a teenager is normal, typical teenage stuff. And its not hurtful to anyone else- its just naughty. He's not heartless, although at home one would think so- he doesn't hurt people. The sense of unreasonableness is still there but no where near as bad. I would say he has been well parented, and accepted. We have loved him unconditionally even though he has been so, so difficult. We always felt he needed extra love- I think difficult kids often do. I have a saying- lucky we love him so much, or we would have got rid of him a long time ago! He has been such a challenge. I will say- he has taught me so much about patience and unconditional love. If I had only had my dd, who virtually reared herself, I think I would be a different person- much less able to love, much less empathic. So, in answer to your question, it's very individual how to deal with difficult kids. Many really don't respond well to severe punishment etc They need a lot of understanding and patience, and seeing things from their perspective, because even though it is irrational frequently, it's still their perspective. My son didn't respond to reason until he was a teenager. He always needed a lot of attention and he got it. But I only have 2 children, and the other was exceedingly patient. But yes...he is a beautiful young man. Those issues he had when younger have definitely matured in time and no longer dominate, although his basic character is the same. In the end....I really do think love is the answer. It sounds kind of trite to say it...but its the only way to stay sane, to not build resentment, to be patient, to keep going, and to feel that you are doing the right thing in the moment. It keeps me open and flexible to looking at how to respond to him, without getting to caught in a particular mindset. I have been strict at times, not at others- I try to respond with intelligence in the moment rather than pre conceived ideas and beliefs. My son needs a lot of space and freedom nowadays, and I give him all that I can within reason. He used to be so clingy as a small kid. Its not easy but I also come form the perspective that there is no mistake here. These kids have something to give, and we have something to give them.

I would say the characteristics of mine have basically stayed the same, although my ds15 used to be very, very clingy as a small child- definitely a mummy's boy in the classic sense- and although we are very close, he is no longer clingy but very independent. :) I think their basic natures, beyond age appropriate developmental characteristics, have just matured over time, but have stayed the same. Good luck with your mellow toddler/ teenager :) I have one mellow one, one not so mellow, and they were similar from a young age.