Sunny, Daisy, Holly

Because I feel like I’m losing my mind, things have been really tense here and dh just cracked us all up out of no where. I heard Beyoncé’s country song today for the first time. I played it for the kids and we were discussing/analyzing it when dh came in. He listened to our serious discussion and then says as serious as a heart attack ”It can’t be a country and western song. It doesn’t say anything at all about Mama…or trains… or trucks… and the kids fell in with “or prison, or getting drunk” and everyone cracked up. It was a much needed laugh here tonight.

Im glad dh was within earshot of this conversation, but that doesn’t mean he actually heard it. 🙄 I have had grown dds call me at work to ask me questions like if there was more mayonnaise. My response? Did you look on the top shelf left side in the fridge? Did you look in the pantry? Then I guess not??? 🤦‍♀️ Or when putting groceries away, where do you want this? And this? And this? NOTHING has changed about stuff placement in my kitchen on 15 years

Really though, I hadn’t ever thought about the mental load being a mother is until reading an article a few years ago illustrating the fact. The struggle is real friends. I do remember years ago shouting at my dh “I am tired of being everyone’s brain!”

This morning dd20 responded to me asking what she had planned for today by rattling off a to do list she had thought up before getting out of bed. Just now she walked into the room with a notebook and a pencil and said “Mom, you know that to do list I told you earlier, do remember anything on it?” After laughing really hard I said read me what you remember so far and she read off her list and said I’m missing something. I told her what she was missing and she stood there a little shocked and said “after we are all gone, you are probably going to become a nuclear physicist “ and walked away. 😆

That is fantastic!

This morning I got I was just aggravated because I told you not to make any menu plans and you cooked food anyway. She grew up with a mother who mentally abused her and I didn’t want her to think we didn’t think she could handle the job. I appreciate all the meals you made. I texted her and told her you made meals to help her get started but she can do whatever she wants, she said she would use them thank you. Sorry to upset you. Love you. I don’t even know what to think about this.

I don’t know, but he canceled with her for tomorrow morning. Either to avoid conflict with her, or support me, not sure which

. EBM in a bottle never really worked for me, for some reason it just made them mad! 😆 we did formula in a bottle if needed. I had one kid who needed a bottle later than the rest and to prepare for that we did formula dropped from a straw with a finger over the end so they got used to the taste first, then the bottle with the taste they were familiar with. By the time #6 came along, we had one of every bottle and teat on the market. I hope you figure something out soon!

Woah. Glad you are ok

Yeah, he asked if I wanted him to say something, but I said not this time. I’ll say what I have to say. He kind of stood there for a long time, but then walked away. I did let him see it before I sent it, but when I handed it to him I said this is just so you know what I said, I’m not asking for editing. His response was well, this sounds restrained. Guess I’ve lost him getting a ride two days a week… Sje hasn’t responded to me or dh. I figure she probably sent the text then went to bed. Guess she’ll see it in the morning

Maybe this craptastic day was just setting me up to get her text and finally tell her something and do it not seeking dh’s approval. 🤷🏼‍♀️

The end sounds nice I guess since intent can’t be read in a text, but I get satisfaction in reading it in my mind with the sarcasm I wrote it in

She’ll probably never ask for anything now, because now she can add me to her woe is me, at least I hope

I was right, my people are actively working against me

And now I’ve got sil In my face. She and I texted off and on while I was at fils doing food today. I ended up changing my whole days plan to accommodate fil. While he was gone, I had nothing else to do, so I made enough food for the whole week to give the new aid (who has 0 experience caretaking. Her job before this was an electronics factory) I guess later in conversation I said maybe I’d come by to meet her. I’m not sure what fil told sil but I get a text saying I don’t know why you did all that today (yea you do, we texted about it earlier) but I need you to back off. I would appreciate it if you don’t come by tomorrow and give her some space and so she doesn’t feel like we are checking up on her (reasonable, I’ll agree to that) I have given her all the instruction she needs and she just needs to be left alone. I left a notebook there and I will add to it as I see fit. (Um, ok…) Her main concern is focusing on mom. I gave up my whole afternoon and my plans for the evening, I have been listening to her bellyaching through dh about how much she has to do, I have bit my tongue (except that one time) and instead of saying thanks and by the way, can you wait til Friday to go by? I get back off. Oh sister. I showed it to dh, he tried to down play it. I said I’m not asking for permission and this is a much tamed down version that I sent. It went through much editing 😬I let dh read it, he said, we’ll that sounds restrained, and then he said hang on a second and he pulled out his phone and texted sil he was getting a ride in with dd19 on her way to work. I was just going to let this go knowing sometimes intent is hard to read in a text. But the longer I thought about it, the more I thought it needed a response. I am not sure what you thought my intent was, but I went to your dads today like I do every Monday to clean out the fridge (thinking dharma wouldn’t know what was old and what wasn’t) and make sure they had lunch and dinner. When I got there I found your dad all upset. Upset that your mom was giving him trouble, he couldn’t find his keys, he didn’t know if his part was ready and wanting to just GO. I helped him find the number of the place he wanted and then offered to stay with your mom for a few hours, changing my plans, while he went so he could get a break and your mom wouldn’t have to go. I made their lunch and dinner. Your mom absolutely did not want to engage with me and I had nothing else to do but wait. So I made more food thinking that would be one less thing for dharma to worry about getting used to the job. I did mention coming by to meet her. Not to instruct her, not to give her any orders, not to do anything other than meet her because I never had before. There was no intent behind it at all. I absolutely will give dharma space and not go to meet her, but my intention was to make her first week easier to focus on her main concern- focusing on your mom. It sounds to me from your text that you either think, or already feel, that I am overstepping, and I’m sure that must be uncomfortable and I am sorry about that. I will try to make sure that I don’t do anything to make you feel that way again and I absolutely acknowledge you are 100% in charge. If you ever do want or need help with something, I’ll just wait until you ask. It’s been a half hour and no response 🤷🏼‍♀️

Let’s add snapping my debit card in half at the gas station card reader shall we. 🙄

I honestly thought this season of life would be different. I know I’m just supposed to do the next thing, deal with the hand I’m dealt and not shoulda woulda coulda, but honestly today feels like my people are actively working against me. It’ll be fine tomorrow I’m sure, but for Pete’s sake, I need a real break. Like break from reality break. 🙄🤦‍♀️

Thanks @Rosie_0801.

And I only had somewhat of co trim over one. I am so tired of where I am at right now, and feel super helpless to change anything

I have definitely got a lot less hair on my head for sure. It makes me sad, and it is completely unpredictable so hard to “do”

Him peeking at you! 🥰

Oh my gosh, me too. I say I look like a barrel on toothpicks because I still have skinnyish legs

Hurray!!!

Not close yet but after a conversation a couple of years ago, all 6 kids agreed with each other to call us grandma and Thor 😆 I really didn’t want a cute name, just something common so they could always find a card etc. Dh didn’t care. One of the middles suggested it and they all agreed! Now to see if it sticks! One of them will call him Thor once in a while