I have a kid living in a dorm who is sugar free and grain free. Fortunately, she can have dairy. The meal plans are pretty much useless for her. I’ll be so glad when she moves off campus and can cook her own meals next year. We bought her a blender for her room. She keeps cans of coconut cream and protein powder in her room. She buys frozen fruit once a week for smoothies. Her freezer is tiny, but she trades friends who don’t use theirs. If they store a bag of fruit in their freezer, she will make them a smoothie that week. It has been a game changer for her because she doesn’t always have to leave her room for food. Just putting that out there in case it is something your Dd could do.

My first 2 kids always played together. Second kid never played with third. Third kid was a little too young to play with first, so I had friends over for her practically every day. Fourth and fifth play together every single day. In fact, when my youngest turned 8 last month, all she wanted to do was play with her sister. She didn’t want a party. She didn’t want to go out to eat. She just wanted to play all day. Third kid is now grown. When she and her room mate were here for Christmas, they played with the younger girls quite a bit. I usually set a timer and say, “The big girls are going to play with you for an hour, then you are going to leave them alone to do what they want to do.†When the timer goes off, the grown girls never want to stop.

Sew, draw, Netflix, Skype, hike, shop, visit friends, read...

I appreciate your post so much. I know this is going to give me some of the material that I need to make better decisions and choose better actions going forward. I just want to restate that I do not want my sister to go to church with me because I am worried about her salvation. I KNOW that my sister loves God, and she was the very first person who took me to church as a child when our parents were hung over to attend. I am not righteously trying to do good. I’m not telling myself that I’m in the right. I’m just selfishly wanting my own moment of pleasure to have my family with me in the place where I am most happy one hour a year.

This reminds me of something that happened to my dad. My parents left the Church of Christ in the 60s. My dad went to Unity church or Church of Science of Mind, things that his still Church of Christ mother did not feel comfortable with. She was 99 years old and basically keeping herself alive until she was certain of his salvation. He was doing Tai Chi and his Tai Chi master had him go to a Buddhist service to assist him with something. In that service, which was not even in a language that he understood, my dad was struck by his own selfishness. Why wasn’t he willing to just go to a church he didn’t believe in so the mother who sacrificed for him his whole life could have peace? So he wrote her a letter promising to spend one year reading the Bible through and going to the Church of Christ every Sunday and Wednesday with an open mind. What happened was that my father became very passionate about that church. He attended long after my grandmother passed away and requested we have his funeral service there. In his last few months, he only wished that every day could be a Sunday. No I’m not of the opinion that what denomination a person attends is a salvation issue. My Grandmother was and my dad was willing to attend just to please her. In the situation with my sister, I’m not concerned with the state of her soul. I want her with me at church purely for my own selfish pleasure.

Exactly! I was trying to figure out how Dh and I navigate it. We have things broken down into different areas as far as who has control. He makes decisions about money and make the decisions about the kids. When we go on a trip, everyone puts their stuff in the entryway and Dh puts it in the car. We don’t try to help him by all carrying our own belongings to the car because then he would have the extra task of taking everything out and the loading it again the “right†way. I don’t have any issue with this. We all laugh about it, but how would I feel if Dh was complaining about no one else pulling their own weight or why does he ALWAYS have to pack the car. I think this is where I really have to be honest with myself. If I’m doing all of the work because no one else does it to my standards, I don’t get to be mad about doing it. I also don’t change plans well. That is why I said in my OP that if she had sent me a text before she got here about not going to church I would have handled it better. My backup Sunday school teacher just moved to Maui. I was thinking today that I’m really up a creek. I don’t trust anyone else in my classroom with my Sunday school kids. I guess I just can’t get sick because I have no plan for a substitute. This represented to me how I get in these situations. I create them.

Yes! This is such an important part for me to remember.

It did feel like the rest of Christmas was really good. My adult children were super helpful and cooperative. They helped me prepare meals and kept their little sisters happy and went willingly to church. Part of it is that FOR ME going to church together is the whole point of Christmas. If my sister doesn’t want that, maybe she would be happier spending Christmas shopping and staying in a hotel and not having any give and take expected of her. If she wanted, she could visit us a different time of the year. I realize that is still not rational thinking. The comment about being controlling really hit home. I think I’m a problem person in a lot of ways. Some people overlook it because I’m very giving in the ways that I give but I have so much inflexibility in other areas too. It isn’t a big surprise that I have a kid on the spectrum. So it is helping me to imagine various possibilities. I’m seeing that the main reason I do all of the work is because I want everything my own way. I can see how this is not a one sibling’s issue. Also, I’m an introvert and my sister is an extreme extrovert. So that means that long visits make me tired. I don’t feel the same way about hosting my brother (who wasn’t here this year) because I feel like he really tries to help out. He cooks at least one meal and makes sure it is something the kids want to eat. He tried to clean up, but I think he is just more in tune with me than my sister is. It isn’t stressful to host him. I enjoy it. And my sister’s partner is one of my favorite people in the world. Who knows when I would get to spend time with her if I didn’t host Christmas. I think that it is helping me with the resentment to see that my needing everything a certain way is why everything is unbalanced. It really isn’t fair to blame that on other people.

Yes. This is exactly it.

I agree about spiritual error. I don’t think my sister is toxic. If she was I would have no problem limiting the relationship. She is just very self centered. But no one thinks that is new. My kids think I’m the one acting different so I’m sure they are right. I have to decide what I’m willing to do going forward. Things do change and celebrations can change and maybe it is time for my family to only have our kids and their friends at Christmas. Just a meal together would be awesome, but we are across the country from each other so I’m not sure how to make that work. I do feel more clarity to look at options where everyone can have what they enjoy.

It sounds like he might be well suited to a career in sales of some kind.

I agree about apologizing. I intend to do that, probably in a written letter so she isn’t on the spot to respond. As far as that moment, Christmas is a ton of work for me. I have myself in push mode. That moment is when I breathe and the work is done and Christmas is here. Another think I realized-this was the first semester when my middle daughter was away at school. When she got back, my 11 year old said, “When I hear you singing, it feels like home again.†When we were at church and heard my sister singing, I felt the feeling of home. Dang, I’m feeling my heart melt a little towards her just typing that out. So much of what Tibbie posted was spot on. I have to think on it a little more before responding.

Thank you. I don’t feel piled on at all. I really needed some perspective which is why I posted. There are so many good points. My sister has a difficult personality for me. That is just how it has always been. I know I am difficult in my own ways. I have a lot to think about. I’m so thankful for every person who responded.

This is a really good point.

I really love you guys. Everyone has such helpful insight. The good news is I had a very good Christmas in spite of all of this.

As far as being controlling, I thought the exact same thing. Yesterday I asked my oldest if it is just a matter of us both being divas. We are both used to getting our own way. I do feel like it is distasteful to require adults to attend church. But it wasn’t only that Dd was serving. It is an issue for me going forward. I feel my heart just shutting her out. I feel this familiar feeling of the straw that broke the camels back. I feel like I am just done with her, which I know isn’t rational.

This is a really good reality check for me. I agree that I am not clear comminicating my expectations. My son said, “Oh, I didn’t know we were going to church. I didn’t bring dressy clothes.†Now I realize that he had a broken elbow and couldn’t come last Christmas, but for the 20 years before that, he went to church with us on Sundays and Christmas Eve. I did let my older kids skip church Christmas Eve morning so they didn’t need to go twice in one day like the rest of us did, so I can see how I’m not consistent and it is confusing for other people even though I see the expectation as obvious. This is my 26th year hosting Christmas for the same family members. Christmas Eve services have been a part of every single one. No one was staying home to watch Netflix Why it is important I really didn’t know how important it was until the thread about food. Other posters were saying that I shouldn’t be expected to do all of the work and pay for everything year after year. At that point, I realized that all of the effort and expense would be worth it in that one moment of seeing and hearing my family together in the pew next to me. I feel like that is my only payoff. It isn’t like I get presents I didn’t buy myself or get a nice meal I didn’t cook. A lot of other things happened. We loaned her a car to use while she was visiting. She was mad that it wasn’t the car she wanted to drive. That one needs an oil change. She was mad that my oldest wouldn’t let her sing and play the piano Christmas morning so everyone would wake up when she wanted them up. She was mad that everything wasn’t exactly her way all of the time. She was mad that another daughter shut her down when she tried to get my youngest away from me to guilt her into doing something my daughter didn’t want to do. There are a thousand things that I know were completely inappropriate. But that is how she acts. I expected all of that. None of that pushes me over the edge the way that not being willing to go to church did. I remember when I had a kidney infection and was running a fever, but I still went to my little neighbor’s Kindergarten graduation because I’m the only guest she really cared about being there. I feel like we all do things we don’t love because of how important it is to someone else. During church, my sister’s partner was smiling and singing and taking pictures of Dd during the service. It was such a stark contrast. I do think I handled things very poorly. I’m just conflicted about what I want to do moving forward.

Some of you will remember my post about being conflicted about how to accommodate my sister’s food preferences over her Christmas visit. In the end, I said that I know it will be fine because my 11 year old was serving Christmas Eve at church and it will all be worth it when I have that moment there surrounded by all of my family. Well, the food stuff wasn’t that big of a deal. She got blood tests back right before she came and there was a huge improvement so I think she was less anxious about it. Also she relaxed a few restrictions so it all was fine. But on Christmas Eve, when everyone was getting dressed for church, she asked how long the service was going to be because she loves god, but is ambivalent about church. I saw red. I couldn’t believe that the months of preparation and thousands of dollars I spent didn’t merit an hour of ambivalence. I was not very gracious and said, basically “Get over it. You are going.†Later I found out that she had already been upstairs telling my adult kids that she and her partner were going to stay at our house and watch netflix instead of going to church. She sucked it up and went. Then she was mad for the rest of the 5 day visit. I have a really bad pattern of putting up and putting up and putting up until I’m just done and I don’t ever want to see the other person again. I’m getting that way now. I feel like I don’t want to spend my future Christmases with someone who could have gone to that service and not felt happy to have gotten to see Dd doing such an amazing job. At the very least, I want people to suck it up and act respectful for 1 hour once a year. A bunch of other stuff happened that my kids say is just how she always acts-very controlling and high maintenance. I usually overlook it, but now I feel like it isn’t worth the effort to accommodate her any longer. But I also think I’m in the wrong. If she had texted me that afternoon and said, “We just got back from NY and I’m feeling frazzled. How would you feel if we skip church and rest?†I could have had time to process it and would have been fine with it and not just reacted. Is it within my rights to say that I’m not willing to host anymore for anyone not willing to go to Christmas Eve service with us? That seems very distasteful. On the other hand there is nothing in it for me if I’m just the cook and house cleaner. And I don’t get my one happy moment of the year.

This is exactly what I think, but I didn’t want to say it because of JAWM.

For me, I’m old enough to see many things people did for expected health benefits backfire. My dad’s girlfriend was more than 10 years younger than him, but he enjoyed Tai Chi until his death. She couldn’t keep up because her knees were damaged from “being a runnerâ€. So in our family, we walk or swim for exercise only. I know people who bought into the low fat movement and ensued eggs, used margarine instead of butter and basically substituted sugar for fat. I know they thought at the time that what they were doing was really the best thing possible for their health, but in retrospect, they realize that low fat may not have been the best choice for brain health and hormonal balance. We eat whole foods, drink coffee and tea but not sodas of any kind. We don’t eat fast food or convenience foods. Most night, Dh and I share a bottle of local red wine We shop at the farmers market. We don’t eat sugar except for the kind that is naturally in our berries or vegetables. We have our own garden. We cook from scratch. We go to bed early and get good quality sleep. We don’t smoke. We live the way that we believe is healthy and moderate and leads to a high quality of life if not actual longevity for most people with various genetic weaknesses and strengths.

See, I disagree that this would mean that “almost surely everyone is eating poorer quality choices†That is not what happens in my house. We don’t buy frozen pizza. We don’t buy snack foods. We only buy food that is nutritious and that we want the kids to eat. Here, all of the choices are good choices. I do most of the cooking. It does not hurt my feelings if I make a big meal and someone heats up leftovers to eat instead. It does not hurt Dh’s feelings if he cooks dinner and I don’t feel like eating at all or eat something different. I just want to make sure my family is happy and well-fed. My kid with blood sugar issues needs to eat regularly. If she waits too long to eat then she feels sick and doesn’t want to eat at all. I’ve started not starting breakfast until she is up and I can ask her what sounds good. That way I don’t go to a lot of trouble making something that won’t get eaten. She also helps make the weekly menus. She looks in cookbooks and writes down the ingredients we need to get. She also goes with me to the store where she can pick out additional items like maybe a butternut squash for breakfast one day, but no junk food. I get what you are saying about not wanting to change the rules/etiquette about meals that your family has. You don’t want to do all of the cooking. You don’t want to eat only what your Dh makes when he cooks. Okay then. It seems a little more complicated than it needs to be, but that is okay. What is off putting is that you keep attaching value statements to your own requirements for eating that many of us do not agree with. I get that it is baggage from your family of origin. We are just trying to point out the false dichotomy. It isn’t really eat what you are served whether you like it or not or be an *sshole eating frozen pizza.

I just asked my college kid, who is interested in punctuation, about this. She said that texting is communication. Good communication involves taking your audience into account. It is rude not to. She said It is also rude to insist that punctuation must be eternally static and never evolving. That said, my 11 year old just got a phone for Christmas. She uses it to listen to audio books and text her sisters. One sister attempted to reassure me about the job that I’m doing educating 11 year old. She said, “Mom, her texts are just like those from my friends. She is always careful to use correct spelling, grammar and punctuation.†Once Dd forwarded me a text her dad had sent her that was full of text speak. I’m sure he was just teasing her, so I didn’t say anything about it. Then he sent me a “Love u†text. I told him that is a divorce able offense. I don’t care if other people do it, but I don’t sleep with anyone who thinks u = you. He promised to take audience into account from then on!

We have a family culture of eating at the dining room table with cloth tablecloths and cloth napkins with no screens, talking to each other and looking each other in the eye without everyone eating the same things. After all, when you sit down, as a family, at a nice restaurant everyone might be eating different dishes but that doesn’t keep it from being an enjoyable, bonding experience. If I make shrimp for dinner tonight and my 19 year old heats up some leftover chicken soup and sits at the table and interacts with everyone, I definitely would not consider her an *sshole.

I feel like it is more rude to expect people to eat whatever is cooked than to eat different food at dinner. I would never want someone to eat what they didn’t like. I’m not willing to do it myself, either. I can’t even imagine how a policy of everyone eats the same things at dinner would work in our family with 2 kids with celiac and one who was a vegetarian for 10 years and another with high blood sugar. I keep the refrigerator stocked with things that different people like. For example, right now, I have some chicken and vegetable soup, black eye pea salad, roasted cabbage, pork chops, steamed broccoli and cauliflower, standing rib roast, green salad, pork chops, huge selection of cheeses, sausage balls and more. I don’t buy bread or potatoes or rice at all. Dh wanted grits over Christmas so he bought and cooked and cleaned up after that meal himself. He can’t stand coconut in any form, but the rest of us should not have to give up incorporating it into our meals. One kid loves shrimp but the others hate it. I’ll probably cook some today for her. I don’t understand why it is rude for the others to grab something they want to eat instead of being asked to choke down something they hate. You and your husband enjoy eating very different foods. Why can’t you each have what you want? I think it shows maturity to change family culture. I think it is modeling healthy relating to say, “Hey, kids, I know that we used to expect everyone to eat what was served, but that just isn’t working any longer.†How is “cohesive†more important than everyone getting what makes them happy?

Also our coaches say that they feel safer knowing I’m always watching. It isn’t just about potential abuse. They said that if a kid complains to their parents, they know the parents will ask me how it really went down. Honestly, their childhood is already so short, it isn’t a hardship to stay with them and watch their activities.