relationships

We have never had boundaries with them so we have no idea how they will react. We are in new territory and we know that crazy may come but we don't know yet what may happen in the future. DH has a peace about the letter though. He feels like it was the best decision and him making any real decision that doesn't just go along with the crazy is new so I'm game.

Get sick every holiday? You can't just go MIA and not explain. I don't think that is fair either.

And, yes...I'm struggling with guilt. I always do. I feel horrible. Maybe I could have done something different to make this not happen? I never said a harsh word to them. I never told them I didn't want a relationship. So why do I feel so darn guilty. ugh

They don't text. That would be so easy if they did. How do you not explain canceling a family tradition? They are going to be hurt or offended regardless of our reason. Honestly, his letter is so mild and to the point, it doesn't give much ammo. Also, if he doesn't send a letter then their imaginations are going to create something far worse. He wanted to call but his mom dominates conversation and you honestly can't get a word in.

I read DH's letter before he mailed it. It is not detailed, it doesn't drag out all of their wrongs. It basically says that because of the harsh words spoken (without ever apologizing) we need some distance for now. He says that he would like to sometimes visit them alone as long as they are willing to refrain from speaking negatively about me and the kids. He says if they are willing to play by those rules then to please call or write him and let him know that it is okay to visit. It isn't high drama, it is to the point. It basically just says we need some space.

How else does he cancel Christmas Eve? How else does he explain the distance we need right now?

Dh had his own "aha" moment the other day. It is like it suddenly hit him that this situation simply isn't right. He is seeing the unhealthiness of the relationship all for himself. I had told him not to cancel because it will give them ammo to believe that I'm the enemy. He was ok with that originally. Now he has decided that he needs to cancel for his own reasoning. I'm happy to have him come to this conclusion on his own. He is writing a letter (because you can't get a word in edgewise with my MIL). She will just go on and on and never hear what he has to say. ETA DH and I are planning to read the book Boundaries together. He seems excited about it so this is good.

He doesn't plan to tell them outright but Christmas Eve is always with them. We don't make other plans and they will know that it is me because he was so up for it when it was just them and him.

The amount of manipulation is so deep and so awful. It literally changed the course of DH's life and he is bitter about it. He is brilliant, he exceled in school, his teachers wanted to help him apply for colleges but his dad manipulated him into the military instead. It was a million manipulative and degrading comments about educated people, over and over again it was made clear to DH that going to college wasn't an acceptable path for someone who was capable of real work, etc, etc. Real men don't go to college. All his dad talked about was how he should go into the Airforce (that is what FIL did). As soon as DH came home from enlisting, his dad went on and on about how It may have been a mistake. You cannot win with these people, even if you do what they want you to.

He is willing to cancel, yes. He's mentioned a few times that he's sorry, he wasn't thinking (clearly, we'd already talked about it), and he will cancel. I don't want him to cancel at this point. Again, maybe I do need counceling because of my mindset, but I've tried so hard to make sure I am not in the wrong with these people and yet they make up wrongs about me because they can't even find anything true. I want their hate for me to remain unfounded. If he cancels now on account of me then all of their hate is founded. In dealing with people, it is personally important to me to make sure that I am not the one at fault. Is that warped?

So couseling together (if I could even talk DH into that) is not the best plan for now? Thanks

So I should avoid a licensed counselor if they are a christian? or it is okay if they are a christian as long as they are licensed? Just need clarification

How is picking up and moving a viable option? Our lives are here, DH's work is here, etc. It is NOT an option. How is that not just as giving in to fear as going along with everything to keep him happy. In the end, isn't that also giving them control? To break us from our lives, our friendships, etc? I don't see that as a solution.

I'm just now beginning to see these truths. I seriously think I may need counseling. There is no way I will be able to talk DH into counseling nor will I be able to get him to pay for it for me :(

This is my home. Everything we have is here. They lived clear across the country and moved here 8 years ago. We never asked them to move and we never wanted them to move. They didn't ask us for our thoughts on the matter. I remember DH feeling devastated when they told him they were moving closer to us. They had nothing to live for out there and they thought a relationship with the kids would fill a void.

To those who are so quick to say who cares if they are mad. I'll be candid. DH and I have often discussed that BIL could easily go postal. All he has in the whole world are his parents. He is depressed and he has absolutely nothing to live for but them. If I ever did indeed do something hurtful or if we wrote them off completely, he could very likely show up at my door with a gun. I wish I was stretching the truth with this. DH also sees this as a possibility. So I try to make sure I'm not actually at fault so my kids are safe. it is so dang complicated, huh? I think this is always in the back of DH's mind when he deals with them.

I have typed out a text to him a bazillion times and I can't send it. He knows I'm disappointed. DH is super sweet, he doesn't want to hurt anyone. It isn't intentional. He teeters on the edge of depression which means we all walk on eggshells and try not rock the boat for him emotionally. Sending him a text is such a passive aggressive move. That is why I haven't sent it. ugh. The text says "Multiple, multiple times in life they've blown up at me and been extremely nasty, spewing made up things about me. Then I am supposed to move on and smile like nothing happened even though they never apologize. If the people who are supposed to value me and care for me seem to care so little about my worth then I now feel the need to take extra measure to look after myself. I have booked a hotel for Christmas Eve. I love you and I want you to have time with your parents. I hope this will give you the time that you need with them and make all parties happy. I'll be back early AM on Christmas day." See...passive aggressive and I just can't send it. I seriously might book a hotel though.

We have no land line just cell phones. Yes she calls during the day when he's at work. I've decided that I'm not answering if he isn't home. She can call his cell or if she calls my cell while he's here I'll ask him to answer it.

UPDATE #2 So now I am mad at DH. He admitted yesterday that while he was there he invited them to Christmas Eve at our house (our normal tradition). I'm so hurt. They did ask "are you sure that would be okay?" in which case he said "sure". Other than them asking "are you sure that would be okay?" they never acknowledged that they had said or done anything wrong. What was he thinking? I showed my frustration but I didn't get angry at him. He said he would call and tell them nevermind but now that gives them a real reason to hate me and call me the b*tch. Up until now I have never said or done a single mean thing to them. I would like to keep their hate for me unfounded. I guess they will come to my house for Christmas Eve. Whether I stay I am not sure. I seriously may just leave. ETA It is a vicious cycle of them blowing up at me and then we all move on like nothing happened. They never need to apologize. I am just supposed to suck it up and move on. Maybe I'm just getting more self confidence in my old age but I'm tired of being treated like this and everyone thinking it is okay.

Yes, if I don't initiate he more than likely will not remember Birthdays, etc. He may visit them a few times a year without my prompting. He is a peacemaker at heart and he wants to have a relationship with them. Most of their blow ups have been at me and not him. He is fair game to be torn apart in these episodes but not to his face. They have only attacked him in his presence a handful of times. What ticks me off is that DH spent days calling and they ignored him. When MIL finally called she called me rather than him. Don't get me wrong, DH knows full well their issues. He's put up with a lot, but they are his parents and completely disconnecting from them is a difficult concept.

After weeks of no contact from either side, DH visited them yesterday. The visit was good and, like always, they didn't even talk about how they exploded on me on the phone. This is the same as always...we don't talk about it. No apology, no explanation. We are just supposed to move on like nothing ever happened. And, of course, DH is game for that. I have always gone with that in the past but I just can't this time. What in the world should I do?