We have a wonderful dog, and I still wouldn't do it again. Before getting our dog, I spent a lot of time deciding what breed to get. The breed we chose (Bernese Mountain Dog) was expensive, and we wanted to "do things right" and go with a reputable breeder, so there were even more costs (hip & elbow x-rays). Our kids saved their Christmas and birthday money for over a year in order to purchase the dog. Although the kids love her, the novelty wore off years ago. So now I have a huge, hairy animal in my house for the rest of her life. I don't like the way dogs smell, so I need to pay for a bath once per month (we've tried doing it a home, but the hair gets everywhere). I need to vacuum the house constantly to keep the hair under control (my research said they shed twice per year, but that was referring to the entire undercoat! She sheds constantly). I can't keep her outside, because dogs are pack animals, and they need to be with their family. Thankfully, money isn't a major issue for us, but dogs are expensive. She needs to get shots, de-worming meds, and more. The last time I took her to the vet, they suggested that we should bring her in for a tartar cleaning on her teeth. Since they'd need to put her to sleep for that, it would be about $400! We decided that we wouldn't bother, but bad breath is now one of the doggy smells I have to put up with. Anyway, I thought I'd be honest about my dog owning experience. I'm not a huge animal lover, and got the dog because I thought it would be a good experience for my kids. If I had it to do over, I wouldn't get a dog. I probably wouldn't get a guinea pig either.:D Lori

:iagree:This is great advice. I think sometimes as Christian parents we can forget that being a Christian is about receiving grace, not about obeying rules. I can't offer any advice, since my oldest is only 16, but I sure will remember this advice if my parenting road gets a bit bumpy.:001_smile: Lori

Just so you know, when you set up a FB account, if you select marital status as "single", they ask what gender you're interested in, and the only options are "men" or "women". When my dd set up her account, she did the same thing. I almost died when I saw it. Thankfully, I was able to go in and change her settings so that marital status was not selected. This girl's parents probably have no idea that her account is set up that way.:tongue_smilie: Lori

:iagree:Excellent advice. I bolded what I believe is the key to your dd's heart. There is no parenting formula. Every child is different, and each parent-child relationship is different. That's why you're receiving so much conflicting advice. If you can win your child's heart through relationship, you may not need to set as many limits, because she will be more likely to want to preserve the relationship that you will have. When I first began to parent this way, it was very scary, and felt very "out of control". Now that my kids are teens, I am so thankful that our relationship has been (and continues to be) the main priority. None of us claim to have this all figured out, and if someone is giving advice that seems to be the "the right thing to do", you should be suspicious. Relationship is not something you "do", but rather a place to work from. Hang in there. It is clear that you love your daughter. These are not easy years.:grouphug: Lori

:iagree:Yup. I was a wild and out of control teenager, but I had a job as a grocery store cashier (unionized, with good pay) from when I turned 16. I knew that I would lose my job if I didn't do what my boss said, and my job was the only thing that could purchase my freedom.:tongue_smilie: I moved out of my parents' place two days after I graduated from high school. I had just turned 18. Within a few months of having my "freedom" I became a Christian, and turned my entire life around. There was nothing left to rebel against, and it was all up to me to make my life work. Lori

:iagree:Another vote for Dr. Neufeld. One of the issues he addresses about peer dependency is that when a teen becomes peer dependent, they actually experience anxiety when they are separated from their peers. Gaining approval from peers becomes as important as your approval used to be. He also points out that when peers become their primary attachment, parents are perceived as the "enemy" when they don't agree with peers. He recommends taking the teen away for a week or two to reconnect with parents, away from peers. The first few days can be pretty tough, but if you use the time away to "work the attachment relationship", you can win back the heart of your teen. I was a very rebellious teen. I wish my parents had read Hold on to Your Kids. :grouphug: Lori

:iagree:I'm so glad you posted this. I've been pondering this all morning, but you said it much better than I could have.:001_smile: When I was in college, I spent a summer in the inner city of San Jose, CA. It was an amazing experience for me, and I know that the kids we worked with were also impacted by some of the relationships that were built. I remember one young boy who was in foster care, and had been through something so awful that he wouldn't speak. A young man on our team started spending time with him, mostly just playing basketball, and this little boy began to heal. This was well over 20 years ago, and it makes me cry just thinking about it. I know that some missions can be very unhealthy, and motives can be wrong, but that's not always the case. Lori

Oh my. That was beautiful.

Dd had this. I took her to a specialist, and he fitted her for a special foot splint like this. She wore it at night. The way it was explained to me is that when you sleep, your foot is pointed. Your heel begins to heal in that position, so when you wake up in the morning, it tears again when you flex your foot. Sleeping with your foot flexed will help it to heal in the flexed position, so it doesn't re-injure during the day. If you lived close, I'd let you use the splint. I don't think the postage from Canada would be worth it.:001_smile: It's just sitting in my closet, collecting dust. Maybe you can rig something that will have the same result. HTH, Lori

I have been "rude" in the past, in order to protect my children. There was a very strange woman who attended our church, and she would hover around my children, and touch them and go on and on about them. It made me extremely uncomfortable, so I told her that I would like her to stop touching my children. She totally freaked out, and called me a terrible Christian, and went on and on about what a horrible person I was. I was shaken up, but even more resolved that I had made the right decision about getting her away from my kids. The things that are more difficult tend to be the subtle things. For example, my grandfather has a very strong personality. He was a military officer, and pretty much expects people to do what he says. He is 89, but works out several times a week at the local recreation center. Every time he sees our family, he goes on and on about how everybody should exercise, and makes comments about overweight people, as in, "How could anybody ever let themselves get that bad?". I'm about 10 - 15 pounds overweight, so it really effects me. Since my parents live on the lake, most of our time with him is in the summer, and my kids are all in swim suits. The older three kids are at various stages of puberty, and although none of them are overweight, they are not skin, bones, and muscle, either. I know that his comments have power over my kids, and I'm on edge the entire time he's around them. He also behaved inappropriately with my mother when she was a teen (he's her father - I don't know all the details of how bad it was, but I know that something happened), and it makes me very uncomfortable to have him watching my 16 year old daughter in a bathing suit. After a day of this, I'm exhausted. I feel bombarded by all of his opinions, and completely slimed by his leering. I have occasionally tried to set boundaries with him, but he's hard of hearing (worked as an engineer in the noisy engine room of a destroyer during WW II), and I'm not sure if he can even hear me half the time. Anyway, that's a more specific example of something that I feel unable to speak up about, which leads to resentment, and to avoiding what would otherwise be a fun social event. Lori

Interesting. Much like you, I became a Christian at 18, went to a legalistic Bible college for 4 years, then attended a spiritually abusive (and legalistic) church until I was 36, when I left the church. I do have a very healthy view of God now, and feel completely and unconditionally loved by Him. It's just some of His kids that I feel a bit uneasy around. Lori

:lol: I'm sorry, but this made me laugh out loud. The really funny thing is, I'd probably just stand there with my mouth hanging open, walk away, and spend the next hour thinking about all the things I wish I'd said.:tongue_smilie: Lori

Thanks. This looks interesting, and it's at our library. Lori

I just finished reading Protecting the Gift, by Gavin de Becker. Some of the things he recommends doing to protect myself and my dc would be so out of my nature. Worrying about the feelings of others is quite deeply ingrained. I am a highly conscientious person, and I believe that there are some positive things about this part of me. The problem is, I care too much. It hinders me from setting healthy boundaries, and can also lead to resentment. I tend to avoid people who make me uncomfortable, and that's how I've chosen to deal with my "problem". Unfortunately, my dc can't always avoid the people who make them feel uneasy, so I want to be sure that they develop the tools they need to set boundaries, yet not lose their kind hearts. I also want freedom for myself. This part of who I am is beginning to isolate me from others. One of the things that keeps me from making progress in this area is that some of the people I know who are able to be assertive actually come across as quite rude, imo. I don't want to be rude. I want to find a balance. So, has anybody found a cure, without swinging too far in the other direction? Lori ETA: I just realized that the book I read is called Protecting the Gift, not The Gift of Fear, so I edited the original post. Thanks, Garga.

Oops! This was supposed to be a new thread.

I use a large wicker basket with handles at each end. The basket is lined with cotton fabric. It's a nice looking basket, so I can just leave all of the books in it, and have it in the family room. The kids know that when they've finished with a book, it goes back into the basket, which saves me having to search for books in their rooms. I often receive positive comments from our librarians. They think it's a great idea. I'll try to paste a sample. Lori

Just to give a broader perspective, this is way more than just a Christian issue (although I can totally see why you would be even more concerned that this behavior is coming from a Christian leader in your son's life). My dd has a voice competition coming up, and it is very clear that she needs to show up for the competition with two original pieces of the sheet music (her copy, and the judges' copy). No photo copies will be accepted. Violating copyright laws is illegal and unethical - not just immoral. Lori

Wow! So exciting! We're only a few hours away, but we won't be attending anything. Go Canada! Lori

:iagree:

This is so sad. :crying:

I tell my kids that making mistakes is an important part of learning how to do things, and if they don't make mistakes, they won't learn how "not" to do something. This doesn't always diffuse the situation, but the next time they become frustrated, I remind them again about how important it is to make mistakes in order to learn. It's almost a mantra around here. I'm the type of person who always needs to learn from making my own mistakes.:glare: Lori

:lurk5::bigear: I really want to hear what others have to say, too. My oldest is a 16 year old girl. My "ideal" is probably the courtship model, but the older my kids get, the more I realize that I can't (and shouldn't) control every aspect of their lives. I'm looking forward to reading this thread. Lori

It seems strange to hear all of these weather stories! I'm way up here in Western Canada. The sun is shining through the windows. What little snow we've had all melted before Christmas. We've had a very mild winter. The only problem is, our province is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics in a couple of days. Ski racing usually works best when there's some snow.:D Lori

I don't have a music background, and dd is thinking of pursuing a career in music. She is a voice student, but is working hard toward her RCM grade 6 in piano as well (her voice teacher requires it, and she'll need it to get into a post secondary music program). We have a Casio electronic piano. It has weighted keys, but dd claims that she needs a "real" piano, and that not having one is hindering her progress. She works hard on her practice all week, and then it's difficult to play when she gets to her lesson because the piano feels so different. Do I need to purchase a "real" piano? If so, how do I know what to look for in a used piano? What should I avoid? Should I bring a music savvy friend with me when I look. Can this go into the back of our truck, or do we need to hire a professional piano mover? Thanks, Lori

Yes, I have a very difficult time being sweet when I've been interrupted. Part of my issue is that as I get older, I forget what I was doing before the interruption.:tongue_smilie: I'm not generally a procrastinator, but there are a few things that don't tend to get done around here because of my need for a chunk of uninterrupted time. Lori