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Eliana

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Eliana last won the day on December 12 2014

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About Eliana

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    Hive Mind Queen Bee

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  1. My grandmother (a"h) never told us she had received a terminal diagnosis (we learned from her oncologist in the days before strict HIPPA regulations). We never told her we knew and never pushed her to share anything. It was so clear that she needed her rosy-tinted glasses and her denial and, despite my sadness at the conversations we never got to have, I have never regretted letting her handle her imminent death in the ways she needed to. It was hard, but it was also the only thing I could do for her. ...but here, 19 years later, I can still remember how hard it was, and I wish it were different for you. ((((Danielle))))
  2. Yes, I would be just as supportive of parole for male offenders. I don't see prison as serving a useful function if someone is not a danger to society. I also believe that most young people who commit crimes (even horrific ones) still have so much brain development that happens in their young adult years that they can grow and develop in very positive ways such that they are no longer likely to be a risk to anyone. (I've read some very encouraging things about this in the context of teens who commit sexual assault or molestation. Unlike adult offenders, there is so much neuroplasticity and re-offense rates, especially after treatment, but even just with some measure of constructive accountability, are quite low. There were some great articles about it back after Steubenville, but I lost the ones I'd saved when my harddrive died) I can't support the punitive lines of thinking some have shared here - reformation is a worthy goal, punishment for the sake of punishment? No. No one benefits from that, and harsh sentences have not been shown to be any kind of deterrent to other potential offenders. I would much prefer to see our systems overhauled and focused on restorative justice rather than punishment. (As long as someone is reasonably deemed to be a danger to others, there needs to be protective measures, which could very well include long-term incarceration, but I see that as very different than when the intention to 'make someone pay'.) I also believe we need to address the horrors inside many prisons - no one, no matter what crime they have committed, should be subjected to sexual assault, or some of the inhumane treatment that occurs in some jails...but that's a difference conversation.
  3. It sounded as if she wanted to be seen/heard by folks here. - and the suggestion of sharing what happened in her day aided that, as did some of the responses she got that made her feel seen and valued and validated. I know sometimes when my life is really, really hard, suggestions are exhausting, especially when I need to keep explaining more and more details or that I've already tried X, Y, or Z, and so on. Sometimes I just want someone to really hear me. To hear how hard things are, how tired I am, how much grief I have for the life I thought I'd be having but can't have... and to help hold space for those feelings. Because I spend so much time with very determinedly rosy-tinted glasses, and because I really, genuinely, have so much to grateful for, it can be very powerful to be able to have a space where I can be not okay for a little bit, and have someone hear me, and really see at least some of the messy complexity of my life. I could be projecting, but that is the ask I heard in what she posted. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Teaching3bears, you are seen and cared for! My heart aches for the hard things you have to face every day. I see how hard you work and how much you are trying to do everything possible for your kids. I also see how alone you feel sometimes, and how little space there is for feeling like a full person, how narrow life has become, and how stressful. I know what it is like to feel that there is no way out, that I'm stuck in an impossible situation. Sometimes I need to sit with the grief that causes for a while before I can feel anything else. Sometimes I need there to be a lull in the hard times before I can lift my head up enough to see beyond today, and sometimes I have to have both a lull and a shift in my emotional state before I can risk rocking the boat. For me it is my own health issues, but I've fought really hard for the (very imperfect) space I'm in how, and many of the things that might help also risk making other things worse, maybe just in the short term, but it is hard to tell. At times I am terrified by the idea of risking what I have for an uncertain return. (When I have been ready to risk it, I have sometimes had great results, though not always, and am glad I tried, but also know that I needed to feel ready to face the setbacks and that risking my stability when I had no margin to handle a setback would have been a mistake). My hope for you is that you can find ways to feel more seen, perhaps through sharing more about your days here, and to grieve the hard, sad things, and find a measure of peace with the challenging situation you are in... and, as you are ready, as many tools and tips to help you make the best life you can from the components you've been given.
  4. All of kids' practitioners except the orthodontist have required a parent to be present or another adult with a note authorizing them to make medical decisions (signed by a parent). The dentist requires a parent to be in the room. I don't have to be in the room at the doctor, but for kids under 18 I have had to be present in the waiting room at least. It is definitely a logistical issue to take into account, though perhaps it varies regionally?
  5. (((Kelly))) I have so many, disjointed thoughts - I'm going to just let them be as messy and sometimes inconsistent as they are rather than trying to shape them into something tidier. I've never faced what you are, but have had (much milder) challenges from chronic health issues and trying to mitigate their impacts, with varying levels of success. This is so hard. Hard to even think about I imagine. You're giving this so much care and thought and love and faith, and that is going to come through to your kids and help carry them through the even rougher times ahead. I think the greatest prep assistance you can give your husband is to get streamlined systems in place, with the kinks worked out, while you can both coach the kids and communicate the processes and their rationale to your dh. Personally, I would consider school for everyone in the fall to get those routines set up and to have the transitions happen while you've here and able bodied enough to facilitate them. Waiting until things are closing in could make it so much harder for all of you I'm afraid. I would look at each area - morning routines, dinner time, bedtime, etc and see where each component could be simplified. What is taking emotional and physical energy that could be pre-planned or semi-automated? I think you're plan about the clothing is a step towards making the middles more independent in choosing their own clothing. Each little piece you can identify where right now someone has to think about something and then make it happen that you can get running more independently will be an immense help. Creating margin is also critical - some of that comes from smooth routines, but also from planning and timing and using simplifying options - frozen waffles, take-out, etc. But so are the less concrete pieces - patterns of talking about these hard things, of allowing space for everyone to have negative emotions as well as positive ones, to name what's hard, even when there's nothing to do about it, to be angry, to be grumpy, to want things to be easier, and then to work through those emotions and figure out how to do what has to be done. Skipping to the doing can lead to stuffing emotions down (this is one place where I messed up with my older kids, I think, not creating space for negative emotions, including my own, but modeling a soldiering on that wasn't always healthy). And also of finding the joy in small moments. Finding ways to make joy or small pleasures in the middle of hard times is an invaluable skill... as is being able to laugh at the absurdities that come even in the midst of our deepest sorrows. Encourage those, lean into them, and name what you're doing sometimes - about the importance of laughing, or of finding the small joys. And creating memories - the photo suggestion is a great one, letters to the kids, etc. You might also talk with your husband about how to make a space for ongoing remembrance of you. My older brother died before I was born, but I and my younger siblings grew up with a vivid sense of his presence in our family. His photos were around, my mother talked about him, and such, but we also celebrated his birthday and lit a candle in his memory once a year. Little rituals that made space for us to hear stories, to think about him, to look at photos. You can be a vivid part of your children's lives even after you are gone - only some of my children met my grandmother, and that briefly when they were very young, but most of them feel as if they knew her and as if she were part of their lives. it's no substitute for the real thing, of course, but it has immense value. In fostering mindset, I think a big piece isn't who does which labor, it is who owns the planning and the stress. If the kids are doing lots of the labor, but a parent is making the lists and owning the planning and supporting the kids working, it doesn't feel as much as if they've been dumped with a parent's weight of responsibility. So, both in how you plan now, and how you help prepare your husband, it might help to have the kids see and hear you owning the planning while involving them in some of the discussions. But, and this is the impossibly hard part, you can't carry this for your husband. It is going to be really challenging for him. He'll be amazing and it will work out (though balls will be absolutely be dropped), but he's going to have some really rough days and weeks, both practically and emotionally, and he won't have a partner there to help carry it. Nothing can fix that. ...but the partnering you do now will he will treasure, the planning you do together, the systems you help set up, all of that will be a gift to him. But I think you're grieving the parts you can't fix, that you can't carry. And even more so for your children. I've seen how hard it is for kids to have a mother with much milder health issues, and though I think you're doing a better, more timely job of facing your challenges and planning for them, it hurts to know that your health, your body, is going to be a source of pain for your children. And while, yes, I think some mindset can be fostered, our children each have their own journeys and we can't know how they will process a challenge, or what scars it might leave or grief or resentment they might need to feel, or what narratives they might need to frame it in. If 'my sister raised me' isn't precisely true, but still helps a kid frame her experiences and process the challenges, or even name the loss she might feel, then I don't think it means you fell short of your goals. faith-based thoughts ahead, in case anyone wants to skip these: G-d chose you to be these children's mother, and everything about you, including this health crisis, is part of their path in life as well as yours. And there is only so much you can shield them from. You're an amazing mother, you've poured your heart, your love, your time, and your very being into them. What you *can* do is enough, is better than enough. It is amazing. And as your body takes center stage, as you figure out how to say goodbye to your life, and even as you focus inward, your loved ones will carry their memories, the solid conviction of your love, the lessons and examples you've shared, and it will be your turn to be cared for. And that will be a gift too. And as you fumble through these stages, your learning and your grief and your striving will leave a powerful, unpredictable imprint on your children's hearts that will help them fulfill their souls' purpose in this world, as will all that preceded it. Your love and faith will be a beacon for their hearts, and the labor you are doing now will ease the logistical challenges as much as possible. You are an amazing woman. ❤️
  6. We had this situation and were very, very satisfied by the results and the process. I felt the realtor did a fabulous job representing our needs and interests and finding great solutions that left both parties feeling pleased with the outcomes. (And when we had a tiny gap, they (a husband-wife team) covered it from their commission) We live in a large city but a small Jewish community and this couple, who are part of our community, are experts in this neighborhood and often end up representing both parties to everyone's satisfaction. I have some discomfort with the concept, but given our deep trust in their integrity and professionalism and the universal satisfaction others experienced, we felt good about doing it and, as I said, thrilled with the results.
  7. I have a friend in one of those communities who is part of a group of Orthodox Jewish nurses working to counter the anti-vax propaganda in the community. Here's an article about her.
  8. I am sorry I was not more careful with my words. I certainly do not want to cause you more pain or grief on top of what you are living with. I think I was responding defensively out of pain. I felt hurt because it seemed to me that you were saying feeling the way I feels is ridiculous and I should just be grateful for what a wheelchair enables me to do. For me, that felt like erasing the overwhelming grief I have at having been able bodied and losing that. ...and with no hope that I will someday be fully able bodied again. For me, the wheelchair hasn't been just a tool, it has been an acknowledgement of what I have lost and has forced me to face all the pain and shame and internalized ableism that I have. It isn't an external stigma - I've met with nothing but support. It is, like any other bigotry, something that I absorbed unknowingly and am having to face and dismantle in myself. And using adaptations, getting my disability placard, etc, have each come with waves of crippling grief and depression. ...and in my head are the messages I imagined you were saying 'get over it already' 'be grateful for what you have' and, strongest of all, 'you shouldn't be feeling those feelings'. Having stepped away from the thread, I can see that you didn't intend that message at all, but that is what I was feeling (and projecting) and then responding to. I do know that you'd be over the moon for your kid to have my physical capacity. That I'm so incredibly blessed. ...but I am also coming to the certainty, that it is okay that I am grieving what I have lost. it is a real loss. And it is okay to have the complicated, jumbled feelings I have about using adaptations. I'm trying to work through them and come out the other side in a better place, but it is okay that I'm not there yet, and that it might take a long time to get there. Again, I am sorry I hurt you. None of the above was intended to excuse responding defensively and causing you pain, but I thought you might want to understand where I was coming from.
  9. For many people a drink or two in the evening is nowhere close to addiction, but for some folks in can be the beginning of a slide into depression. Psychological dependency can be a warning sign of that, but I completely agree with you that mild dependency can be perfectly benign. However, I think when we see dependency, evaluating it's extent, causes, and impact is important. I disagree however about addiction. However seemingly positive an "addiction" is, addiction comes from an unhealthy, disbalanced place and I believe addressing the underlying emotional or psychological causes is urgently important to prevent further disbalance and it's attendant harms.
  10. It is much easier to address dependency and a possible slide into an unhealthy relationship with an addictive substance before someone is an addict. I think those who have expressed strong concerns based on family experience are seeing troubling signs and hoping that things can be addressed sooner rather than later. I am bothered by the attitude I am seeing here that if someone isn't (yet) a full-fledged alcoholic then there is nothing to worry about. Alcoholism develops over time and catching warning signs - and not being as happy without daily alcohol consumption is an enormous warning sign - and then addressing then is an important component of prevention. I am also concerned by the focus some have on the number of drinks because that erases the emotional and mental aspects of addiction in a way I find alarming. Addiction isn't just about how much someone consumes, the psychological dependency and the using of the substance to fill an empty spot in one's mind or heart (as can happen with self-medicating for depression) is even more relevant than the amount consumed.
  11. All of this. Thank you, Kelly, for finding the words. ...though I wish you didn't have the lived experience behind them. ❤
  12. I'm a confident adult who never hesitates to speak up or go against the flow...and it took me years to begin using a wheelchair when I need it rather than just missing out. And I still find it hard, shaming even, especially as I do have some ambulatory capacity. It is easy to forget how crushing internalized abelism and other pressures can be.
  13. Last I checked, the WHO standards were for IV abx only in cases of increased risk (premature rupture of membranes, prolonged labor, etc). w/ careful monitoring for several days after delivery for low risk situations. I saw this as a very reasonable position that avoids overuse of abx while ensuring baby's well being.
  14. Is your son in a place where you could ask him what support he might need while you are gone? You can do a lot remotely via phone and video chatting. You have carried so much for so long...if there is any way to make this work so you can have peace of mind, I think you should go. You will be so much better a carer for taking a little care of yourself.
  15. I have some serious concerns about untrained, non-professionals entering into for-pay therapeutic encounters. I almost wrote "relationships" there, but I don't think a real relationship can be contracted for like that. When I pay a therapist, I'm setting up a very highly constrained "relationship", with very clear boundaries. My therapist can't be my friend, or a pseudo-relative, and if those boundaries get crossed, it is unhealthy and potentially harmful. For that reason therapists are trained in establishing and maintaining those boundaries - and they can lose their license to practice if they don't do so. In these situations where a familial relationship is being emulated in some way, the the risk of harm from lack of clear, professional boundaries seems very high. I think we should also recognize that hiring someone to meet our emotional needs creates an inherent power disbalance that I find troubling. I have to admit that I find hiring out emotional support very troubling, on a number of levels. And, just as I believe viewing pornography and/or purchasing sexual intimacy can create or strengthen a sense of entitlement, I also fear that purchasing emotional support could teach us that we don't have to do the emotional labor of holding up our end of a relationship.
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