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Patty Joanna

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Everything posted by Patty Joanna

  1. The difference between "the silent treatment" and "holding one's tongue" is in the motivation of the speaker/non-speaker. Here is part of a prayer that I prayed like 300 times a day when my son was a teen. Teach me what I should say and how I should speak.If it be Thy will that I make no answer,inspire me to keep silent in a spirit of peacethat causes neither sorrow nor hurt to my fellow man.
  2. My ds does not practice our faith anymore, but ontologically, he is part of our family and part of the faith. That he doesn't recognize the latter doesn't make it less true. "my truth" and "your truth" is a modern idea. How the parts of the family interact and what is acceptable expression is a separate issue. I'm sounding curt because I'm whipped--long three weeks, and in some sense, long 7 years.. Please forgive me. I don't mean to be curt...but this is something I have thought a lot about but don't have the energy at the moment to expound. I will always love my son, and he will always be part of our family...whether he knows it or not (and increasingly, he does--both family of birth and family of faith--and I never thought, 5 years ago, that I would be able to say that).
  3. This is generally the model i have. Six years old now and not a problem. It's my backup and travel computer now as I got a big-screen apple desktop for my photography business but this was my workhorse for 4 years. No complaints. I had a Thinkpad for 5 years before this one and my dH is still using THAT one for some work when he's not crabby abut speed. Big Lenovo fans here.
  4. Yael, others have given better advice than I could have come up with and I know for a fact (with less dramatic but still painful experience) that this almost-18 time is a nightmare. If he's 18 in a month, you have so little time to do anything that *can* be done and have him be required to stick with it. The main reason I am piping up is to say that I think you have to set some boundaries for when he turns 18. Regardless of whether he finishes school or not...that's really kind of moot at this point and there is the GED that HE can pony up for when he wants to get straight. I had to set some boundaries with someone a number of years ago and it felt so much like I had failed at love. I spoke with my priest about this and he said something I have never forgotten. "You are imperfect in love. What a surprise--you're just like the rest of us. Boundaries are not to shut someone out but to preserve the love that still exists--that will die if it is extended beyond the boundaries. The boundary may expand over time (or it may not need to) but if you don't put up the boundaries, the love inside will be killed." And you have other people to think about as well, not just their safety but their ability to (at some point) have something left for their brother. ((You and yours))
  5. Man. I'm sorry for this loss of life, and that is primary. But the cost of renting a box is mind-boggling. I spent some time snooping around about this topic today, and I saw many handmade wood caskets for $1000. Unbelievable.
  6. Check here: One of the best people I know on the planet is one of the makers listed. He's making my MIL's (for future use) Also, I just googled and found many, many sites that sell handmade wooden caskets for $1,000--hand made, simple. Some of the monks I know stand them on end and use them as bookcases! :0) For awhile, anyway. And there are wooden "flap-a, slot-b" assemble it later, store it flat caskets. I'd like our parish to get one of these to have on hand. I think we DID get one, but the next man who passed away was exceptionally tall...
  7. Funerals do cost more than cremation because you have to purchase a plot, a grave liner (that is to keep the grave from collapsing as things decay), and a larger container. We have purchased a handmade casket from a monastery for about $800. It's simple and it's beautiful. You can purchase a "cremation casket" for use in burial and save a bunch of money. Increasingly, people are choosing "green" burials, with no box at all, just a sort of "stretcher" wrapped in a shroud, entered into the earth. Embalming is not required for viewing or for any reason *except* in some cases, transfer across state lines. Not in any state. Funeral homes will tell you it is, but it is not. Embalming is environmentally unfriendly. Funeral homes charge a lot for preparing the body for viewing or burial. This can be done by the family or friends, but most people don't want to do this--so they pay the funeral home to do it. Funeral homes charge for doing the paperwork -- social security admin, the coroner, all of that -- and you can do that too, but me, I'd rather pay for it and not worry about screwing it up. Funeral homes charge for transporting the body from the home/hospital to the funeral home and from thence to the church or gravesite -- but you can do that if you have the vehicle for it. We use a truck or a minivan in our parish, for those who want to save money. One of our parishioners' dad died and they transported him from their home to the graveyard themselves. Funeral homes charge for keeping the body until the funeral (not required but it is a lot easier than keeping the body on ice in your living room--but you can do that). They charge for the space for a memorial if you don't have a church or other space to use. In most cities, there are several levels of "funeral home"--high touch, mid-range and simple. We found the simple one in both our town and in the town my parents live in. They have a la carte pricing for services. The high touch one in my parent's town has a minimum $10,000 funeral. Period. The mid-range one has a minimum $5,000. The simple one has no minimum--you choose the services you require. I think we spent about $2,000 for my dad, plus the $2,000 for the memorial garden spot. My in-laws burial spots were $200 each. Ours were $1,000 each (burial, not cremation). Our neighbors spent $20,000 on their burial spot (they wanted a fancy graveyard with landscaping and a view. It's their money.) And yes, I think funeral homes take advantage of grief and of ignorance, and of the fact that people don't want to think ahead of time about their death. And people sometimes (not always but sometimes) try to assuage guilt by spending money (and not just in death--think about the expensive toys people give their children to make up for not spending time with them....) One of our parishioners' mother died in a state across the country--the lying liars of the nearby funeral home told my friend all kinds of lies about what he was required by law to buy, do. He knew his stuff, and stood up to them, and got one of our lawyers on the phone and the funeral home backed down. But they were *bullies* and liars and I can see how people would just be too weary and stunned to deal with it. One thing I have been told is that if you tell the funeral home you want what is essentially an Orthodox Jewish funeral, you will get the burial everyone says they want...simple casket, simple vault, no embalming. I've learned all of this by writing the parish's End of Life for St. ____ Parish plan.
  8. I adore flying. I don't like all the pre-approval and post-flight hassle but taking off, landing, oh yeah. My godson is a test pilot and I would be thrilled if I could ride with him.
  9. Old enough to admit to myself that I will not ever read Charles Dickens and also to give a rip who knows that. :0)
  10. When my beloved pastor, a dear father-figure in my life, was dying, I knew I could go to one last Easter with him, so I went across country to do so. He came to visit us in November 1990, and passed away January 1, 1991. I required by my job to be at a sales meeting for all of January, and so could not attend the funeral. I could not talk or think about him for several weeks without tears streaming down my face. Maybe it was months. Finally, I sat down with the program for the funeral and read every scripture, sang every song, called the eulogizer to get the speech(es) and read them all. I memorized his favorite hymn. It didn't make the grief go away, but it did give me a way to handle it so I wasn't walking down the hall at work with tears streaming down my face because I had a passing thought of him. Later, I went back to that town and had lunch with his widow and heard about his last days, and that also was a big step in my grief. With my dad, it was pretty sudden and I happened to be coming into town the day he collapsed. I basically oversaw his entry into final nursing care and a visit I had intended to be 3 days went to 10. I finally had to go home, though...and so I said my good-byes. I think we both knew it was good-bye, and I am so glad I got to say to him the things I did. What he taught me, what I will remember him for (and I do!)...and he was able to say things too. It was only about 15 minutes--he was very weak--but when he died 10 days later, I had a much better handle on the loss than I would have. He was worn out and done, and 90.5 years old and that also made a difference. It also made a difference that he had a living will and a medical directive and I knew how to direct his care in these last days, and the fact that he had my back made all the difference. I wish he had not been cremated...but that is not my decision. I am GLAD that his ashes (and my mom's) will be in a memorial garden...and material reminder of his life. But these actions I described above made a world of difference for me. God be with you and bless you in your love for your father and in these days of parting.
  11. Happening outside right now. Yay!!! Tomorrow morning...not likely.
  12. Flew down for godson's graduation. Looks like it will be moved inside with 2 tickets per family. Ummmm...14 of us came. Oh well. We'll see how it goes today.
  13. OH. Duh. I'll insert the eye-roll here for you. :::eye-roll::: Thank you for clarifying!
  14. Can he apply for a global entry pass? That might be an opportunity to clear this up. ETA: I am kindly corrected in a post down thread. This wasn't actually a helpful idea.
  15. It is becoming apparent to me that there are a few people who have come out of fundamentalism who have had some impact on evangelical Christianity. Bart Ehrman directed people toward atheism. Peter Enns addressed it by staying within the Christian fold, but letting people know they were OK to question fundamentalism. Rachel Held Evans took on the questions of fundamentalism and sexual identity...and I don't know more than that, and won't say more than I know. The connection among the three seems to be that they were in a similar that I don't necessarily understand...and may have misstated in my previous paragraph. Regardless, it is unfathomable, the loss to her family, especially her children who will know her only through her writings and the narrative those who loved her can weave about her life. I am so sorry.
  16. I think WendyandMilo found the locale (upthread). I was finding stuff in the UK, in Malibu, etc., and I couldn't figure out who was his agent or anything. I *totally* understand why celebrities keep their addresses private, especially in our times. There are so many wingnuts out there. That is very cool, VioletCrown, about Yo-Yo Ma. :0) Lanny--I don't have (or if I do, I don't know that I have) a Twitter account...and I really want this to be handwritten. Old-fashioned me. LOL Thank you all!
  17. I have written my first fan-mail letter. It's ready to go. I can't find the address. I've looked on the internet and it looks like I have to join a fan-mail site to get the address and I don't wanna. Timothy Hutton's work on film has made the books he enacted much richer to me and I am thankful. The movies are better than the books, and the books were great to start with. That's what I want to tell him. If you can get me a good mailing address and send it in a PM, I would appreciate it. Thank you.
  18. And given that things end up costing 2x what you think they will, the state funding is net-zero. Re Creeks on property--check flood-plain. I'm pretty sure (after having done a few remodels) that unless you enjoy the hobby of remodeling and can put a lot of your own elbow-gear and enjoyment into it, it's better to find a house you like. Our realtor told us that the rate of turnover within a year of a remodel is much higher than you'd expect.
  19. Ah. Well you got good insight about how the pans fit. We have a 36” unchangeable slit, and the 5th burner is useless if there is another pot on the stove. But when I make Big Soup for coffee hour, it’s useful—-but not really necessary. I think the 5th burner is more of an asset on wider stoves. I DO appreciate having a high BTU burner for boiling pots of water...but that is upper left burner anyway. I think I’d use the warming drawer more than a 5th burner.
  20. I have the center burner thing on mine and have used it once. I would have used a warming drawer more than once but I don't have one. We have had GE Profile products and liked them well enough, but I really can't compare with Samsung. I wouldn't pay $1000 more for one, that's for sure. We chose our last setup based on having good supportive grill-pattern on top so we could slide pans, and ZERO electronic controls (they break, and it is nearly as cheap to replace the whole dang oven as it is the circuit board). We chose ours from "last year's model" (half off because they went to square handles instead of round--eyeroll), and then we went to scratch-and-dent to save another 50%. THEN they found a non-damaged one in the back, but gave us the scratch-and-dent price. $6000 gas range for $1500. Happy. (I would not have paid $6000 for a gas range!!!!)
  21. Liking via this post because I already liked the original post. LIKE!!!!!
  22. If you have experience with WGU, and would like to take a minute to write about it, I'm all ears. It might be an option for our offspring.
  23. I have a friend who did this. He said things like, "When you have to take away the car keys, please do. I might be mad but if I am, ignore it. I'm just being stupid, if I'm mad. I hope I have the good sense to GIVE you the car keys when the time comes...but one never knows." It was a very kind and good thing to tell his children...and yes, they did have to take away his car keys. They should have done it sooner than they did, to tell the truth! :0)
  24. I know the "anchored" feeling. When my 94yo MIL was my DH's age (and ten years younger), she was traveling the world, carefree. She never did a thing to care for an elderly person in her life. We are sole caregivers (of 5 siblings because MIL moved across the country away from the other 4) and by "we" I really mean DH who is a saint as far as this goes. MY now 96yo mom cared for her mom, and did all the work for the siblings, but even so, she was done by age 55 and empty-nesting a couple of years later. My mom lives with my sister, who is well over 55, and who is therefore anchored. We love our moms. We are sorry they are in need of care, and we don't really begrudge it. But it comes with a cost. We ourselves are senior citizens, and are starting to face some of the carp of old age, and would like to be able to do some things away from home, ourselves, while WE still can. We would like to move to a lower COL area, but we can't move MIL away from her care system here. Will I be sad when they are gone? Yes. Will I feel guilty? No. We are doing what we can and what is our job to do. But the anchoring is real.
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