Right there with you... My life is so good right now, but I still have anxiety worrying about DD. I am working on myself trying to not be OVERLY anxious and invested, but it is hard. And it's never going to end. *sigh*

This one says smallest needle, more expensive than some, but I'm considering https://www.amazon.com/Genuine-Avery-Dennison-Tagging-Replacement/dp/B0748YSHST/ref=sr_1_6?crid=18801R940HLC0&keywords=Avery+Fasteners+Micro+Stitch+Starter+Kit-642210&qid=1700158532&sprefix=avery+fasteners+micro+stitch+starter+kit-642210%2Caps%2C128&sr=8-6

Very accurate article. My mom her entire life did not want to live in a nursing home and planned to "exit" if she got to that point. And she was serious, it was not just talk. Then she got dementia. She would literally say, "I know what I have to do, I'll just stop eating." Then two minutes later, "ooh, cake!" 🤣 We had to laugh, but it was SO HARD. Thankfully she stuck to her "no extraordinary measures" wishes. But it still lasted for too long, because she was pretty healthy besides the dementia. Reminded me so much of the movie Still Alice, where she made such clear plans but they came to nothing.

My brother was homeless due to drugs/alcohol. At 50, when he started a sharp deterioration due to end-stage liver disease, he came to my dad for help, who got him into a nursing home on medicaid where he later passed away. I imagine some homeless are like him where they might have family they can eventually reach out to when it's desperate.

I really miss homeschooling sometimes. It was so much work, but some of the best times I've had. I need to get myself back in school I think, because I just really love the learning environment. Too bad work has to be such a time suck!

The important thing for DH and I when we have a lot of stress going on is keeping our viewpoint that we are the team. That it is the stress, the unemployment, the move, the schedule etc that is the adversary, not our mate, that our mate is WITH us going through it. That it is each other's job to stand together, to support each other getting through it. So it doesn't make sense to attack our mate or vent our frustration out on them, because they are going through it WITH US. Our shorthand for this is "you and me against the world". Of course we don't always act the best under stress. And sometimes we need to remind each other, hey, we're in this together, don't take it out on me. But I think it's important to acknowledge yeah this is stressful on BOTH of us, how can we get through this TOGETHER, how can we support each other to tackle this? For us, if we get that viewpoint straight in our hearts and our heads, it helps the words that come out.

My homeschooled daughter now middle school science teacher, just did a spooky science day for Halloween and the topic was zombie fungus! 😁

Awesome advice! If we get to the point of having conversations again I will remember this.

Oh hell no, I've witnessed it! Incidents that would have been a deal breaker for me.

You make some good points, but really this has only started the last couple years. She has been a good friend, supportive, showing up for me, caring and involved in my life. That's why this has been so shocking. I've been "used" by friends before, and she never made me feel that way. You're right that I shouldn't keep overthinking everything. I felt from the beginning that it wasn't normal to drag up things from that far back, that's part of why I posted, to get confirmation of that.

She has been with the husband 10+ years and had kids at home most of that time. He is on and off with his behavior and a lot of times it was subtle. Not what I would have put up with, but I've seen more than one relationship with that type of treatment as a "norm.". They have still had some good times together and she was focused mostly on the kids when they were at home. Kids are out of the house the last few years, so with it being just the two of them she has had more emotional energy to address it. He has made some real attempts at changes since they have been in counseling. He's not 100% jerk, so that makes it harder for her to determine where to draw the red line. But he IS one of those people that always has subtext and double meanings going on. So I feel like she is seeing that everywhere now.

This exactly. We were both in our teens and twenties. But instead of just being incredibly stupid and selfish, as you said, I connived some cruel scheme to hurt her. Then everything since then has been used like Bolt said to affirm that narrative.

I will always love and care about her, and be there if she reaches out. But I don't see that I can ever just be myself around her again, when she has read so many things into our relationship that are not there and thought these awful things about me. I will always feel guarded. You guys know that at this age, it is hard to make new friends and even harder to find trustworthy ones. What a sad thing to throw away something of 40 years.

I think just like in a healthy marriage, you trust that person would never hurt you INTENTIONALLY. That's how I always felt about my friend. It seems like she never gave me that benefit of the doubt.

HA! That's going to take awhile. Like I said, it feels like a death. Pieces of her all over my house, in every memory. But nothing else to be done... it's so frustrating and sad.

I know that can happen, sometimes unintentionally. Exploring "this is a pattern that you pick people you can't trust"... and then the doubts that may have been in the back of her mind are solidified.

I guess I just want her to really understand that I am sorry for any way I have hurt her and that it wasn't intentional. But I know that I can't MAKE her believe that when she has another narrative going on. There is no point in me continuing to try to apologize for all the things from so many years ago. So I don't know what she really wants from me when she brought all this up.

Just to clarify, I should have used the words "physically abusive" when describing her mates. The current husband is not physically abusive, but emotionally yes. They have made some progress though in counseling.

Thank you, this is a very insightful post and makes sense to me and matches what she has told me. Like I said, I either let something go or I say something if something bothers me. So hearing all this time that she was having an entirely different experience than me, I don't even know how to begin processing that. That's a heck of a long time to have that go on!

Sorry, long.... I (56yo) have been best friends with K (54 yo) since I was 13 and she was 11. She is closer than a sister to me. She lives in another state, but we have seen each other at least once a year, except during COVID. We have been there for each other's major events, kid's weddings, graduations, etc. We texted several times a week, the usual "guess what happened" texts and also deeper texts about family issues, relationships, etc. She is the closest person to me besides DH. A couple of years ago, K started acting a little off in our friendship. Every so often mentioning things that happened when we were young (21 and under) with an unusually mean tone. Also a few times we had disagreements that seemed minor to me that she got excessively angry about. I still tried to make peace, but it seemed off to me, like there was underlying anger in the relationship. But, she has also been going through a lot with her husband. She has had two abusive husbands, current husband is not abusive but is MEAN sometimes. Insults, manipulation, subtexts always, etc. They are in counseling trying to fix, and it has gotten slightly better. But for years she has had to be uber-defensive around him, and I felt like that was bleeding over into our relationship. Over the last 6 months especially, she has been withdrawing from our friendship. She quit sharing anything about her life except trivial things. When I asked her about it she would say, "tired" "a lot going on" etc. Recently she got really weird and angry about some small thing I mentioned from when we were kids, then wouldn't respond to my texts. Finally she shared that she no longer "trusted" me in our friendship and could not deal with that right now when she had other things going on in her life. To sum up quite a bit of conversation, she is still really angry over things that happened when we were young (again, 21 and under) and has carried those things over, reading into all of our interactions over the years. Like, certain interactions where we had minor disagreements she interpreted in terms of me thinking horrible things about her and treating her horribly. She never said anything or I would have addressed this immediately. DH and other friends agree that I am a very transparent person. Don't do subtext, always am upfront about things. If someone hurts my feelings, I either let it go or address it. I don't hold grudges. I had no idea she was holding onto things from long ago and thinking all these things about me over the years. Regarding things from long ago: There was typical teenage stupid selfish behavior. Ditching each other to try to get in with the "cool kids", times we were snarky to each other, etc. We both did things that of course I look back on now and can't believe how selfish I was during certain times. More importantly, there was an incident when we were about 20 where I behaved very badly. I betrayed a very important trust that hurt her and it was an awful thing in our relationship. I look back on how clueless I was about relationship dynamics as well as how selfish I was and it makes me nauseous. Since we were both young, we just kind of moved on without really talking about it. It finally came up about 10 years ago and I apologized for how stupid and selfish I was and how much it hurt her. She at that time expressed that I was not only stupid and selfish, but she also was imagining a bunch of scheming behind the scenes. A lot of subtext about me trying to hurt her, wanting what was hers, sabotaging her. I told her I was so sorry that I hurt her like that, I promised I was not being intentionally malicious and that I loved her and never felt those things she was saying. I know about communicating in relationships, so I didn't try to dismiss or demean that she thought that, but could only say that I didn't feel those things toward her. She said at the time that the conversation really helped her understand things, and it seemed like we hashed it all out finally. Apparently, it was not hashed out, and she has continued imagining all kinds of things about me, and about our interactions. During this most recent conversation, she brought up all things from long ago..., When you did this to me...(I was 14)... when you did that to me... (5 years ago at my daughter's graduation party).... Some of the things I honestly don't even remember. She thinks I'm "claiming amnesia". When I did remember and tried to offer an explanation, she thought I was lying or dismissed it. I finally realized she did not really want an explanation, so I just said I'm really sorry I hurt you, I did not mean to hurt you. These conversations went nowhere and right now, we aren't really talking. I know that I did stupid things as a kid and a teen, but I don't think any of those things were more than clueless selfish kid things. She seems to think anything I did to her was on purpose and malicious, which isn't true. What I did to her at 20 was a bad thing. I apologized and owned it, and have since apologized more, and assured her of my love for her. I have BEEN there for her, as we have for each other, all the years since. I almost wish we would have just ceased being friends after the incident at 20, rather than continuing a friendship all this time but her never really being able to move past it. I do understand some things you can't move past. But am I wrong to defend myself that I have still been a good friend in all these years since? Should I just accept, yeah, I deserve this because of what I did to her in our 20s? I'm heartbroken like there has been a death. Literally our lives have been so entwined there are pieces of each other everywhere. But I also feel like it might not even be fixable. Even if we get past this, I don't see ever being able to relax around her and just be myself, knowing so many things have been misinterpreted and malicious intent assigned. I would really like some advice and perspective.

DH and I got sucked into something like that with another set of parents. I see it in conservative circles where there are strict limits on teens dating, because the parents often want a confirmation that the other side is on the same page, so to speak. It seems harmless enough, but it set a tone that was NOT healthy in any way and did NOT help the situation at all.

I live in a mostly rural area where dogs get out far too much. There is always someone who gets mad when the dog is taken to the local animal shelter "because he would have come home on his own!" Sorry, better to have an annoyed owner than another dead pet on the side of the road. Owners can get over it.

The timecard thing especially I think the boss would want to know about. Is there anyone who could "catch" him when he closes early, like a customer showing up that could report to management? Or some other way that could be documented that he closed early? Then if he fudges the timecard, it would be absolutely normal to report that to management. So yeah, I guess I would be plotting his demise! I don't think I could overlook the condescending and demeaning behavior for any length of time.

I'm not on this board much anymore, but tend to wander here when things seem particularly bad. Thanks for all you guys being here. I feel like the world is stuck in a never-ending cycle of revenge and hate. I *do* understand it. But it will never stop. It sure won't stop after Hamas is eliminated (and they do need to be eliminated). But whatever is necessary to eliminate them will only be fuel for more revenge and hate. And as usual, the children on both sides end up paying the highest price. It never ends. What a sad world we live in. Prayers for everyone suffering right now.

I shared that poem on my facebook a few days ago with a story about my mom. She was a German child during WW2 and remembers hiding in the bomb shelters, terrified that she would burn to death. That's just one of her memories. As an adult she was grateful for the Allies, she said she knew she would have just been "breeding stock" otherwise. She even gave a speech at an American veteran memorial. But the childhood trauma never goes away and infected her whole life. All children deserve to be grieved for.