Sympathizing. The last 2 years have been exceptionally stressful and I have watched my hair go down the drain in clumps. I'm told it will grow back once the stress eases. The only upside is that my hair was super thick so now it looks normal and lays flat. But any more and I'll start to have bald patches! No help, sorry, just in that trench with you.

OP here. No, I didn't know they had another exchange student coming. They had one last year for part of the year and the year before for part of the year. I do understand and treat an exchange student as part of the family. That's the whole purpose of living with a family. I was using that as an example of the kinds of guests of guests that I can get on board with. The other two examples were to triangulate the spectrum of what I seem to encounter. Also, this was not a surprise. The visit with the student is being planned well in advance (even of her coming). We thoroughly enjoyed the last student they brought. FWIW I am an introvert that finds entertaining to be stressful. However, I am happy to be able to offer a place and good experience for someone visiting us or our area. It's the last minute, surprise, lack of information part that I find rude and why I said no to the two examples I mentioned. Looking back I can think of somewhat similar times when I said ok. Friends bringing kids with them who were their extended family that they claimed to watch and who were strong swimmers- not a problem. I'm actually surprised that we haven't had the dog issue! Grateful too. Hitchhiker?? OMG!

I think this is different. That was wonderful of you to have them.

In this case you have to take my word for it. This friend would have opened the house, pool everything for total strangers. She made a last minute decision to help out another mom. She apologized and arranged for them to go home as soon as I told her it wasn't ok. I was surprised that she hadn't realized how I would see it. We know each other well. The other friends are pretty new. We text, but I would absolutely have called her to ASK if the situation was reversed. She just texted that they had friends come into town last minute and were bringing them up. It left things open to interpretation. I should have called to clarify, but I hate awkward conversations. Maybe that's why she didn't call me? I'm fully with the poster above who would cancel rather than inconvenience another. Our house is in a desirable destination and it's an awesome place: pool, trampoline, swing set and rope swings, fields and forests. Ironically, we're trying to move to where other people are coming from (but that has to do with a neighbor). The exchange student coming will be a new one. They have one every year. They could visit in between students but it hasn't worked out.. see paragraph above. 😠We have a good relationship, but not a particularly close one. For holidays I think it depends on whether you plan a special, more intimate dinner or a big, jolly party. Either way I wish people would ask ahead of time. The two examples I gave represent my first times saying no. That's kind of a big step for me and why I wondered about the old and cranky bit.

Dogs without asking would be a serious problem. Our cat barely survived a dog attack. One ds is afraid of dogs. What if people have allergies??

I hear and appreciate your generous heart. That's the same way my good friend is who brought the non-swimmers. It was just a total no for me though. The safety issues, the liability issues.

It seems like people are getting ruder over time, but then again I'm also getting older.

The friends coming to spend the night sent me a text that they were bringing their friends. It wasn't clear if they were also expecting to stay, but given the 2.5 hr drive to get here they would have to stay somewhere. I texted back that the weekend was not looking good for a visit. We haven't rescheduled yet. I will not have strangers overnight with the exception of the female exchange students. I guess I don't like awkward situations where I have to figure out what people are thinking. I definitely don't like being on the spot to have to ask or be rude. The friend who brought the little kids has the biggest heart. Honestly, she would not mind and it had not occurred to her that I would. That's the part that has me wondering. There are more examples. In every case the other people seem to think it's no big deal.

When you invite guests to visit do they invite their own guests to come with them? This seems to be happening more and more. I find some of it understandable, such as the last time my brother stayed with us and his family brought their exchange student. They just informed me they will be doing the same for their next visit. But some of it is weirder than I remember happening in the past, such as a friend recently informing me at the last minute that they would be bringing their out of town friends with them (they were wanting to stay overnight). The friends of friends were folks I never met or even heard of. This was the first time we were having those friends over. Another time recently a family came over to swim and brought 2 preschool aged kids we didn't know, who couldn't swim, and I had never met or heard of the mom. I actually sent them home, but they didn't speak English! It made for an unsafe situation around a pool. Anyway, this seems to be happening in some variation a lot lately. Am I only noticing now because I'm getting to be a crabby old lady? Is this common? Maybe it's the part about it being people I never met or heard about that is taking me by surprise. Do people consider that it means extra food, an extra bed, extra cleaning etc? Also, I invite people because I want to spend time with them, not necessarily have a party. Please someone, tell me I'm not just getting to be old and cranky.

I'm vegan. The absurdity of this made me laugh.

I'm so sorry, hoping for things to go well.

SKL- A lot of this is coming from people who have had experience with or studied molester behavior in general. In fact it is entirely realistic that an offender tests the waters or prepares a social web in order to victimize. It's complex. They will groom entire families. Grooming parents is extremely common. Even though it's possible for this guy to victimize at a church gathering, the greater danger is in developing familiarity with the kids and manipulating the community. Then in a new setting outside of church the kid can be victimized while also being marginalized by the greater community. Doubt this? Look at what OP is already grappling with.

Yes, I had that sense too. I like to give ppl the benefit of the doubt and hope she's more concerned with how soon to report. Or perhaps, as can often happen in shocking and unexpected situations, she needed a wake up call on how real this is.

Wait, did I miss something in skimming the replies? I wasn't under the impression she wouldn't report, just that she has a process that includes speaking with church leadership and protecting her family. We don't have the letter and she isn't the only one at the church wih it. I'm assuming there's a good reason for this plan, especially because I'm in full agreement that this sounds like a highly manipulative move on the guy's part and he probably is minimizing this extent of his abuses. Also, it does sound like he picked who to hand the letter to thoughtfully. Why at this time? You are financially and emotionally entangled. Is it the same with the rest of the folks he confessed to? Did he give letters to anyone who you can honestly say does not have an emotional, financial or practical stake in seeing him protected? If not it's crystal clear that he's manipulating and probably trying to rope in people. I really can't think of a reason he'd do this unless there's something worse due to come to light. Please do what you have to, but this man confessed. Please report him before too much time passes.

OP, WA is a great state for homeschooling. We have had the kids do state testing at schools with no problems. This year we tested at home, which was less for content than for me to see how they approach timed tests. We used ITBS, super easy. Also there is incredible flexibility and cooperation between most schools and homeschoolers IME. I don't know anyone who was asked for test scores or to see their portfolio. I think you will like it here.

Praying for you both and for the team treating him.

Yes. There are adult only services or often at least ones without Sunday school or child care where there is an understanding that it is an adult environment. Kids are more vulnerable. They just are. A rapist may troll for victims in church, but we can agree that an adult has had time to develop some radar and judgement. Kids have adults, us to rely on. It is not the same. They are still learning boundaries. In church they are to be welcoming, making it an especially vulnerable environment.

Sorry OP, I posted before reading everything, including your update. im glad you have a plan and leadership to consult.

OP, it makes me so sad to hear your fear and confusion surrounding this. It really should be simple. There's a lack of leadership and sincerity at your church if multiple people have received letters of confession and nobody has taken one to the authorities. It doesn't mean people are bad, just have lost their way and become confused. One person needs to confidently lead, to tell others how helping the confessor accept consequences makes all of you true supporters of this man. Or just anonymously send a copy of the letter to the police. I'm incredibly sorry that this is a moral quandary. It shouldn't be.

Frankly, God and people forgive and embrace. But most people aren't stupid. If they see an alcoholic drinking the communion wine, they're going to know there's a lack of sincerity in the part of the sinner. Same as with showing up to a child filled service for the SO. The main difference in that the alcoholic will mostly be self-destructive, a more acceptable consequence than destroying the lives of others. I know I'm saying it's a catch-22. It is. But yeah, a SO that comes to services with kids is not truly repentant and people are mostly smart enough to get that.

God forgives. Repentance is not only about forgiveness though. Part of that process includes the promise not to commit the sin again. That may or may not be possible. In another thread someone wisely mentioned that a spouse who is seeking forgiveness for cheating welcomes a lack of privacy and seeks ways to make amends. I'd say it's the same with God. A SO seeking forgiveness will strive to avoid temptation and welcome scrutiny. That does not necessarily mean it has to be public knowledge, but if the SO wants to be around kids, well it's not just a personal between God thing anymore. When my kid went to take a college class, the main concerns were about his possibly being exposed to SOs and foul language. I had to point out that we have an SO next door and heard plenty of cuss words in our recent flight. In fact, a school is a place where there is an expectation of better behavior. -Eta: We don't exclude SOs from libraries or ball games or restaurants or colleges. Most of us would have red flags go off from bad behavior in public places.- A church, with an atmosphere of trust and open arms is the perfect place for a SO to seek new victims. Thus, a truly repentant SO would seek communion at an adult service or privately with the church leaders. Just like the cheater finds forgiveness by eagerly handing over his cell phone, the SO finds forgiveness by proving a heartfelt desire for repentance.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. A shower might actually help.

Well, actually that's not so outlandish. Voluntary microchipping in my mind is not much different than voluntary relinquishing of rights and privacy in order to accept govt benefits, use iTunes, facebook or Google, etc. I don't see wetware in general as remote. My grandchildren will live in a different world. It's not all that crazy to think we may all be microchipped in the future. Can you imagine the possible level of efficiency!? Thinking its a sign of end time is nuts though. And it will take time. But then I've also felt that true space travel will happen in my lifetime, so maybe I'm nuts. Find my iPhone works, but not well enough to pinpoint in the house, fyi.

Of course. You're absolutely right and I was wrong to suggest such a thing. My mind had gone to worst case scenarios and I was thinking of the mop up period. I will edit.

It's a petty first world vent, I know. I have uninterested, unsupportive family. Most are on fb, about half I am 'friends' with (the not crazy ones). They don't 'like' my posts. Specifically, five extended family members that I have good relationships with (not close, but all positive) will be on fb liking political posts, the 'I ate a pancake for breakfast' posts from friends, yet my very infrequent posts of my kids... crickets. I know I shouldn't care.