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Indigo Blue

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Posts posted by Indigo Blue

  1. 31 minutes ago, Kassia said:

    That's terrible.  😞 

    Aw, you seriously made me tear up.  

    I love this forum and feel so fortunate to be part of this community.  But I never feel like I do *enough.*  I see other people on here more often who give more support, better advice, etc. and I feel inadequate.  I've received so much here and want to give back.  I especially feel guilty when I'm short on time and can't give people the attention I want to - especially if they are coming here for support.  

    You stand out to me as one who is so supportive. I feel inadequate compared to YOU, lol. 🙂

     

    My problem is I never know what to say even though I feel so deeply about things that get posted. I’m the same IRL, too. 

    • Like 3
  2. 3 minutes ago, hshibley said:

    This. She’s 81 years old and working full time. That’s exhausting. My dad’s that age and in relatively good health I can imagine him working full time and having energy left for much else. 
     

    I think as people age they become somewhat of caracturer of themselves. If she was always somewhat negative now she’s just more so. You need to let it go. 

    Just for further clarification, my mom chooses to keep working. She could have retired a long time ago. She lives within two miles of where she works. She has been told she can come and go as she pleases and work when she wants. She considered going part time a few months ago. She decided to stay full time. She isn’t working herself terribly hard anymore, although she once did there. She really has been lucky that she has been in this situation, and continuing to work under the circumstances and conditions that she is working under is actually good for her, IMO. She would have quit long ago if she had really wanted to. 
     

    She does the more unpleasant (but not strenuous) jobs there that my golden child brother will not or does not want to do. 

    • Like 3
  3. 8 minutes ago, Tiberia said:

    I think you're doing just fine with your difficult person. You still come around, but you limit exposure and refuse to buy in to her worldview. I know it bugs you, and it might always be that way because you don't have the same worldview. Good for you.

    You might come up with a catchphrase to repeat, just like the complaining about age/everything is her catchphrase.

    "Yes, Mom, I see that getting older has been hard for you." or "Yes mom, I see that it has been difficult for you to age gracefully."(might be a touch snarky). Or, "I see that going out in the rain has been stressful for you." 

    She's trying to pin the difficulty with aging (or anything she complains about) on you. I'd put it right back on her. That it's her difficulty. She won't change, and you may not want to engage, but it might help you deal with her. 

    Thank you. Yes to the bolded. I seem to be the one she dumps all her negativity on to, with some passive aggression thrown in. 

  4. 18 minutes ago, Danae said:

    I think you would benefit by not taking anything she says personally.

    No, she’s not kind to you.  She never has been and she isn’t going to start now.  

    This is going to sound like I’m criticizing your posting, but I’m not, I promise.  Over and over you post threads that are “Can you believe my mother did/said ______. Yes, we all can believe it, because that’s who she is. It’s glaringly obvious to anyone who reads your threads.  I hope that you will get to the point where you don’t post this type of thread, NOT because it’s wrong that you’re doing it now but because you’ve made it to the point that you no longer need reassurance that she’s the one who’s “off” not you.  My hope for you is that someday when she says these things you will snort to yourself “pfft, there she goes again” and have forgotten it by the time you get home and could post about it. Her nonsense doesn’t deserve the space it’s taking up in your heart.  

    Thats’s not critical. It’s incredibly helpful. Thanks. You gave me good advice. 

    • Like 3
  5. I’m taking notes and paying attention to how mom’s negativity is affecting me. 
     

    I find myself thinking …well, mom, you may not be around to see, but I will take care of myself and stay strong. I will get outside even if it’s hard. I will do what I can to stay active for as long as possible as I am able. You will not be able to say I told you so, even if only in my head, as long as I can do things to keep healthy. 
     

    Yes, I am going out in this rain. In this heat. In this school traffic. And I will most likely be ok. There is no reason to let rain or anything else keep me inside. 
     

    Mom, you have said many bad things about this person. But I am going to ignore that because you are not a reliable source. I am going to give this person the benefit of the doubt unless or when I see these things for myself. 

    • Like 3
  6. 2 hours ago, Ginevra said:

    There is no bad weather, only inappropriate clothing,”

    This is so true. I have physical limitations that I am constantly trying to improve, and if I ever get to where I can hike for miles without pain….well, I have told myself many times how I would waste no time on minor discomforts such as rain if I were physically free from my limitations. I would be too happy and joyous to let that stop me. 🙂

     

    My mom does not go out in the rain. If she knows, even now, that I am, she might say, “But it’s raining. Why don’t you go tomorrow?” (This is why I could never leave the house much as a teen. Always some reason….weather, traffic, etc. why I could not go out). Today I still have an appreciation for being able to leave my house in whatever conditions or situations I need to or want to …at my own free will. Sometimes I think….yep, it’s raining! And look! I’m going out to the store and no one is going to stop me!

     

     

    • Like 3
  7. 33 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

    has she always complained about things?
    is she depressed?  this is one way it can manifest.

    Yes she has always complained. I don’t know whether she is actually depressed. She is not very receptive to treatment for her anxiety, and, if she were depressed, she would be dismissive of treatment for that, too. I have tried to have a few conversations with her about trying some anxiety meds. She won’t. 
     

     

  8. I think about when my sons will be old. I know I won’t be here. It sounds so weird, I know, unless…maybe others think these things….but it makes me sad to think they will be older and have parents that have passed on. Will they be ok? Will they be in a lot of pain? How I wish I could live forever and make sure they are ok. 
     

    I’m more sad over their aging than I am my own. I just can’t understand how a mother can say such insensitive things. It comes up somehow at every turn. Then she finds a way to work in, “Just wait until you get to be my age.” 
     

    I shouldn’t be surprised. There is a whole lifetime of her doing and saying mean things. 
     

     

    • Sad 2
  9. 1 hour ago, Halftime Hope said:

    It dawned on me at one point, that the specific whinge du jour really isn't about that topic, it's about the loss our elders are feeling.

    I do understand that. I’m sure we all will feel this way to some extent. I guess that’s a normal part of life. My mom just doesn’t make it easy to sit down with and say, “I know your life is changing. You can take comfort in knowing that we are here to help keep you comfortable, busy, and supported in this phase of life.” 
     

    She simply wants to drag you down into the depths of despair with her. It doesn’t feel loving and kind to say things that could make your own children have such a gloomy outlook on aging. 

    • Sad 3
  10. 8 minutes ago, SKL said:

    I think it would help you to practice "smile and nod" at home between visits.

    By chance do you have autism (or suspected autism)?  Because it feels like you have a need for things to be right / true, when sometimes it really doesn't matter.

    (ETA I thought of the autism thing because it runs in my family, and I'm pretty sure I have it too.  I don't mean it as a put-down.)

    I won’t say that it isn’t possible that I could be on the spectrum. And, of course, it’s not a put down. 
     

    However, regardless, I see myself as a “truth teller” or a silent “truth knower “ more than anything and can see all the things that everyone else is blind to in my family. I also feel that my mother is being unusually cruel in her directing all this “you will see how it is to be old” stuff at me. She isn’t doing this to anyone else. It is possible that she is being passive aggressive. It feels that way, but, as usual it’s hard to tell. She absolutely has a history of that and does do that. 
     

    My visits with her are very short. 

    • Like 1
  11. Just now, Carol in Cal. said:

    I’ve known people who complain constantly and reflexively. And I’ve known really bitter old people.

    I find that they help me not to be that way.  Because to a large extent it is a choice.  Not entirely, but a lot.  Especially when it’s that chronic.  

    Thank you. And you’re right. And I do feel that way. Just as being raised in the crazy made me not want to be that way as a parent. 
     

    It really bothers me that she says things like…you”ll live long enough to know what it’s like to be old…in the tone that she says it. I think that is a horrid thing to say and I can not imagine ever saying such a thing to either of my sons. Not in a million years. 

    • Sad 1
  12. Today:

    Mom: I can’t spring clean. It’s too cold. This weather is driving me crazy. This rain is horrid. It will never stop so I can clean. It’s too cold to clean stuff out and take it out to the trash. 
     

    Me: Do you mean it’s too cold to go outside to throw your trash in the trash can? 
     

    Mom: Yes. 
     

    Me: (Genuinely asking and not being sarcastic at all) Just the short distance from your back door to your trash can? (It’s less than 5 feet). 
     

    Mom: I’m 81 years old. Just wait until you get this age. You’ll live long enough to see what it’s like. (In a rather mean tone). 
     

    Me: Could you take everything to the back door that needs to be thrown out and ask John (my brother…fake name) to take it out?

    Mom: Oh… well…um…no it goes out to charity, etc. 

    Me: Oh, ok, so John can just drop it off at the charity? And you don’t have to go outside, right?

    Mom: So did you say that ds (her grandson) is doing ok? (Quickly changes subject). 
     

     

     This is all normal for her. It’s a yearly cycle. Complain about hot summer. Complain about holiday season. Complain about winter. Complain that there are no days for spring cleaning. (She has tons of good days to do this!) Complain that we had no spring at all and we just jumped in to hot summer.  Now it’s too hot to clean stuff out. Rinse repeat ad nauseum for as long as I can remember. The EXACT same thing.  Except now, add in the constant complaining that she is now 81 years old. 
     

    I just need to vent this thought here. Heaven please forgive me. This woman works full time still. She is fully functional and able. No walker. No health problems outside of blood pressure. She does have anxiety and I’m sure this factors in. And I’m sure she is feeling her age, no doubt. But I have never, ever in my life heard anyone go on about their age the way she does. She reminds me of it constantly. And it’s like she’s throwing it at me and beating me over the head with it. She is constantly telling me to “just wait til you get old. You’ll see”. It’s awful. 
     

    I have cleaned out stuff for her many times. It just gets cluttered up again in a few months. Then she starts complaining every spring about how the weather won’t cooperate so she can throw stuff away. 
     

    It was a perfectly good suggestion to ask John to help. He lives there. She won’t ask.

    She just keeps complaining that she can’t spring clean. 
     

    It is really bothersome that she is acting this way and how she is trying to make me feel terrified of aging. I’m angry because she is doing this (which I think is mean) and all the while she should really be grateful and happy because she really is doing great overall. 
     

    Just angry and tired of it. Just needed to vent. Please just agree with me. Maybe I shouldn’t have this attitude, but JAWM anyway. Maybe I could feel less resentment and more sympathy if not for the fact that she is on a mission to not let me forget for one second that I, too, am going to soon be old, miserable, and feeble, just like her. It just seems so twisted and mean to me. And, again, she is doing pretty well for her age. Ugh. 


     

     

    • Sad 2
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