Is there anyone here that does it? How do you make it work? I work from home, but it's an "office job" with a M-F schedule. Everything I've been able to find so far is from parents who own their own online business or do something like nursing or realty, where they have some full weekdays off. Any tips from people who have done it? (Especially with non computer-based programs?) It feels impossible, but it's so important to me. I don't have kids yet, but I'm considering becoming a foster parent (and trying to consider all angles, including the possibility adoption).

I'm happy for your introvert friends! Some certainly struggle with it less than others, and I'm a bit jealous of them 😉 Since introversion means social interaction drains one's energy, the ability to do it is highly affected how much energy you have available. Major life stressors leave little energy for anything other than survival. It was very enlightening to see perspectives in this thread of real friends being the ones who keep up contact even when they're busy/stressed. My perspective has always been that a real friendship is one that will not be affected by extended periods without contact. I'm grateful to have my eyes opened to an opposite perspective. I'm pondering how I can use this information to "rekindle" a friendship that weakened while I went through major trauma. And yes, years of abuse has definitely increased my relational anxiety in general, although it was always there. But my texting concerns have also been reinforced along the way but various people (actually some comments in this thread initially felt like confirmation that people probably DO get upset by me not texting enough. But then I moved past that initial reaction into information acquisition mode). PS just to clarify, the examples (like crying) I gave don't occur with every single text! Just a combination of the more stressful days and the more high-pressure relationships. So, yes. Trauma plays a part, but personality still underlies it. Over the past 2 years I've come a LONG way with mental health. But the texting struggle won't ever fully disappear, and I've come to accept that. I strive for continual self-improvement, but at the same time have to determine which things are genuine character flaws, and which are just personality traits. I stopped trying to force myself into an extrovert mold and started working on devising ways of leveraging my strengths to mitigate my weaknesses. Leaving my husband helped my healing of course, and to be honest, so did quarantine. Let me tell you....that was the most relaxed I've ever been in my life! I felt sad for extroverts, but at the same time, they only had to experience that for a couple months. I experience the introvert equivalent every day EXCEPT that shutdown. For the first time in my life, I was not expected by society to perform as an extrovert. For 6 weeks out of my 30 years. Huge eye opener! I always assumed extroverts were naturally more energetic and light hearted than me. But...it has a really powerful effect on your mental health when your natural traits fit the culture you live in. For those 6 weeks, my personality became an asset, rather than an obstacle to overcome. I hold tight to the memory of that feeling, because I don't think I'll ever get to experience it again. It helped me accept that my introversion is not "lesser", I just live in a society that idealizes the traits I don't have. During that time, I did check in a lot more than normal on my extrovert friends. Because I realized that the world had been flipped to where for the first time, I was the one with the "upper hand" in terms of mental health. I didn't feel like I was burdening them, because I was no longer the "needy" one. I was also SO energized by being in shutdown (despite still working full-time from home) that I actually had the emotional and mental energy to text! I easily increased my productivity at work, finally got projects done in my apartment, and put lots of time and effort into healing my trauma (I progressed by leaps and bounds during that time). And I still had energy left to text multiple people in the same day! It was like nothing I've ever experienced. Come to think of it, I wonder if this could factor in to who has checked on with you. At least if it's more recent? Regardless, I am sorry that you've been hurt by people's actions (or lack thereof) and I hope that it improves for you. I'm glad you have the 2 that are still keeping up contact! ((Hugs)) Not gonna lie, my body was shaking uncontrollably for about an hour (PTSD response) after reading a couple responses to me at first. But I thank you for your gentle response and a chance to share and learn different perspectives. I wish you the best 💜

I was new to this forum and didn't know how to quote more than one person. I did not try to associate you with anything. And it was not about you personally, as I stated that everyone feels that way. I was saying that I share a desire you have, but that it looks different for me. I apologize if I offended you. I did not claim that the enneagram is science, and I do not worship it. It is a tool that can be very helpful for people who enjoy pursuing self-reflection. Ever since I was a child I have often done a lot of research into varying personality theories. As well as psychology and mental health articles, books, and lectures. I seek out documentaries and speeches and autobiographical stories about people who have different personalities, experiences, and backgrounds from me. I am fascinated with the human mind and the many similarities and differences there can be between people. I have a thirst to understand people so that I can love them better. The enneagram concept is just one of many resources that are able to provide insight into how people think. I'm not saying it's gospel, I'm saying it provides insight. The things that I've learned through all my study have had an extremely positive effect on my character, my mental health, and my relationships. That is the reason I sometimes mention it to people. I wish those benefits for other people. The enneagram simply happens to be one of those many tools and is easy to quickly find information about.

I appreciate your insight into how their minds may work! From my perspective it feels like texting is what removes any choice they have (it obligates them to text me back). The consequences do matter to me, so I can't disregard them so easily. But I have certainly gotten a lot to consider and digest to help me further improve my interactions with my friends. For me the difficulty is trying to determine which friends may feel as you do about it, and which feel as I do. So who is okay with getting bombarded 😂 I usually base it on whether they have a lot of family things going on, and whether I'm a primary or fringe relationship for them

I really appreciate this list, and I'm going to save it to remind myself of in the future. I value seeing other perspectives. The intention of my message was the same as the intention of what you wrote here. Showing another perspective. Trying to explain what the person you feel hurt by may be thinking. My goal was to answer your question "why do some people do this" with the answer. Which is, that personality type plays a big role. If that's not what you were looking for, I am sorry. I was new to this forum and made mistaken assumptions about the community. If this was mainly meant to be a vent/emotional solidarity post, I truly apologize. My goal was to describe what it feels like from the other side. This thread has been somewhat enlightening to me regarding the perspective of people whose personalities differ from mine. In fact, I checked in with a couple friends yesterday because of it. Actually, if you look at the few posts on here from people who also struggle to initiate social contact, you will see that's a common theme among them. Hopefully looking back at those can provide support to my previous observation: that the people who are likely to not initiate as often, tend to be pretty open to constructive criticism. I hope that will give you encouragement to be open with your friends about how you feel. You expressed that you don't want to lose those friendships. I don't know you, but I still wish the best for you. And if that is for those relationships to be revived, I hope that happens. My intention was to provide information you may not have had, but that could help with that. Personally, I always appreciate insight into what other people might be thinking, so that I know better how to interact with them. Treating others as you want to be treated only goes so far. In my life, I try to treat others as THEY want to be treated. In order to do this, I have to know how they want to be treated. If I never receive information about that, I would be treating them as I want to be treated. That may mean texting only for informational purposes. Receiving text messages, or being invited to do things stresses me out.That is part of why I hesitate to text/invite other people, not wanting to stress them out either (you will notice that's also a common theme in the posts). So if I'm assuming you're like me, I may avoid texting you because that's what I would want. We live in a society that is structured for extroverts. So we introverts understand that we are expected to adhere to those ideals. But that doesn't mean we know how best to do that, or that it's easy. It's a constant battle in the mind between what we are told people want, and what our gut tells us people want..thus the indecision about whether to text or not. And by then it's too late, because the other person already texted (another common theme). Until I read your post about asking someone to join on a walk being easy, it had never occurred to me that could be easy for anyone. I've been mulling that over ever since. It's quite fascinating. I'm sorry if anything I said felt like I was invalidating your pain. I'm a practical- over social-minded person. If someone is hurting, and I have information that could improve the source of that pain, sharing that information is how I show I care. I do realize that sometimes people just want to have their emotions validated, and I put a great deal of effort and research into learning how to do that in real life. However, based on my past experience with a homeschool forums, I was picturing this as being mainly informational. I deeply apologize if I misjudged on what you were needing.

You may actually be surprised at how hard it can really be for some people. For me it's extremely difficult. I may cry, I may have an anxiety attack, I may type it and delete it 20 times, I may spend 2 days trying to decide whether to impose on them by asking... and by then they've texted me anyway so it's too late. And I know the person will see me as uncaring and thoughtless, because they have no idea that I've been thinking about them all week, and don't believe me if I tell them. That causes even more anxiety, which is a vicious cycle.

Personality type, anxiety, and levels of life craziness. I'm mainly going to address the first one here, because of length, and I kind of have a perspective from the other side. Have you done the enneagram personality test? I find it to be extremely insightful and highly recommend it!! It has helped me understand myself and other people much better. Certain enneagram types (1, 2, 3, 7, 😎the face was supposed to be 8 and I can't delete it) are more likely to initiate social contact. Types 1, 2, and maybe 3 are the most likely to be frustrated about that. Especially 2's: in fact, this frustration is one of the defining characteristics of the type 2 personality. Types 4, 5, 6, and 9 are much less likely to initiate, unless it's with another 4, 5, 6, or 9. I'm a 6 (strong 5 wing) and initiating social contact does NOT come naturally to me. It's not because I don't care. It's because I don't want to burden anyone with my presence. I often feel like they're spending time with me only out of obligation. Certain personality types are also more naturally organized and self-motivated. Making social plans is something they are good at and even enjoy. Certain people are more natural leaders. Other types struggle with it. It doesn't necessarily mean we don't care. It means we aren't good at it. My mom always makes the plans for everything, so I tried to do it once. It was something really simple (meeting at the zoo), yet it took so much energy for me. I love planning logistical things, but I really struggle with the social aspect (how do I know what will be most enjoyable to someone else? What if they'd rather spend the time doing something else but feel obligated to say yes?). I wonder daily how my friends are doing, hope they're okay, and wish I could pour into their lives somehow. I often type up a text message providing heartfelt encouragement, and asking how they're doing and if it would be helpful for them if I did X. I often spend hours writing and re-writing these texts. And then, I don't send them. I figure they're probably with their family, enjoying dinner. I don't want to interrupt. They're probably having a great day, and being reminded of me would bring them down. Then when they text me a couple days later, I see my unsent draft and feel guilty because I never reached out. I know they probably see me as a leach. I think about their well-being all the time and if they told me they needed something, I would be willing to intantly drop my life to help them out. But I don't know how to initiate. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to get through to them. I wish I did. When I do go out of my comfort zone and actually send the messages I drafted, it almost always feels like I get shut down. I tell someone I really care about them and I noticed they've been stressed lately, and I'm here if they need to talk. They say something like "Oh thanks, I'm doing fine! What's going on with you?" That tells me that they don't need me. If I'm extraneous in their life, I may gradually distance myself to avoid burdening them. Saying "I appreciate it" doesn't mean they really do, it's just a cookie cutter phrase. What would be so amazing is something like "You're really insightful. I actually have been super stressed because of XYZ." A previous poster mentioned only wanting reciprocal friendships. I think every person feels that way! However, people may define it differently. For me, a reciprocal friendship is not one where both people initiate social contact equally. It's one where both people are willing to show weakness and be emotionally vulnerable. 1, 2, 3, 7, 8: More likely to initiate contact 4, 5, 6, 9: More likely to be emotionally open (This is also a big reason we're more likely to initiate with each other---there's less guesswork involved, which requires less of our limited energy) If some of these people you're struggling with are one of the relatively laid back types (as in, they enjoy staring into space, lost in thought, for hours on end), maybe you could just straight-up tell them how you're feeling? Depending on how close you are you could word it differently. "Hey, I have something I want your genuine thoughts on. I really value your friendship, but sometimes I feel like I'm always the one pushing you into it. I'm usually the one to initiate contact. I want to have a strong relationship with you, but sometimes I'm not sure if that's what you want too. It would make me feel really special if occasionally you were the one to contact me first." "Hey, can I just be really open for a minute? I really value your friendship, but sometimes I can feel disheartened because I'm usually the one who initiates things. Would you mind maybe texting me first every now and then? That would really make my day." And if they do ever initiate contact, don't brush it off. Engage. Deeply. They may not realize the dynamic is even there. Or they may care very deeply about you and be desperately wanting to provide what you need, but don't actually know what that is. The good thing is that the personality types least likely to initiate tend to also be pretty open to receiving constructive criticism. You just want to frame it as "I feel X because of things within myself, and it would be make me feel so loved if you could do Y". Rather than "who you are sucks, and you should strive to be more like me". I'm not saying you would do that 😂 I'm just saying that we have that feeling a lot, because our traits are seen as inferior in mainstream Western culture. So open communication is key! But at the same time, please keep in mind that we are different, and things like that take more effort for us than for you. I'm absolutely willing to do it if I know it benefits someone (but if there's no indicator it makes any difference to them, why waste SO MUCH energy on it?) But regardless of how willing I am, I'm still not gifted at it. If I'm expected to do it on the same level as someone who's naturally good at it, I will always fall short. It's not healthy or sustainable trying to be someone I'm not. There are other strengths I bring to the table instead. TL;DR: They may care about you very deeply but not know how to show it in the way that's meaningful to you.