I assume you were replying to me? I don't think that half of the country wants trans people to stop existing, or to stop existing in public. I think that there is a small but very vocal minority who would like that, and that minority has an outsized amount of political control. I think there's a real difference between someone who is concerned about trans people's bathroom access, but even more concerned about women's privacy, and who would be happy to problem solve, and someone whose goal is to exclude. I might not always agree with the solutions that people in the first group might suggest, but the fact that someone is able to offer ideas and engage in a conversation is a sign that they aren't motivated by a desire to erase people.

During the pandemic, the people who don’t want trans people to exist in public made It crystal clear that they don’t want children with disabilities to exist in public either.

You would expect that someone wouldn’t have relationships with their own family of origin, or other people from their work or their kids education or activities? Only to their spouses’ family of origin? We have been attending church in the neighborhood where we were living for the past year and a half until we moved back two weeks ago. He doesn’t like games for the most part, but he also has school 35 hours a week and group sports about 20. He spends plenty of time with other kids.

If I made a list of the people I am closest to, the top 10 adults on the list would all either be people who are related to DH, or people who are married to people who are related to DH. Well that might be true, or not, but it doesn't really change anything. Like if I can't make friends because I'm broken, or because they are, either way the mythical support network isn't going to happen. Their experiences have been really different. He struggles with that.

You all should totally do this!

Thank you, I needed that.

I'm not offended. I don't know how. You have told me repeatedly, I need to get a new support network, and have implied that the fact that I keep other people in my life is the reason I don't have a support network. So, I am clarifying that I do not know how to get this mythical new support network, and why I'm not willing to give up my and my kids' current support network in hopes that it leads to a new one appearing, especially since I don't actually understand the connection. It's not like my current support network is preventing me from spending time in new places. My kids have changed schools. I have changed jobs. I have spent hours on the sideline of new sports that my kids didn't even play previously. I am around new people. We all have therapists. We have all done lots of work around trauma. That doesn't mean we're fixed. I wish it worked that way.

What makes you think I'm not working on these things and trying as hard as I can?

Hi all, I don't mean to be whiny. I'm not looking for people to feel sorry for me. I'm just saying that I think that I hear @prairiewindmomma saying I should just move and get a new support network, but that the second part of that is not easy. Where I live now, I have back up. I have people I can call on for little things, like a ride when my kids need to go in opposite directions, or enormous things like stepping literally or metaphorically between my child and an unsafe adult. I have people I trust who I can go to when I need to bounce an idea off someone, or I just need someone to hug me until I can catch my breath and try whatever task felt unsurmountable again, or I need someone to parent my kids for a little while while I spiral. I have an employer who respects my skills enough to trust me to work from home when I need it, and who I trust to protect my privacy. But all those people are people who I formed relationships with before things fell apart, and many of them are related to DH. I acknowledge that the people I am talking about might be part of dysfunctional circles, but at least they exist. I don't know how I'd replace them. And it's not just my own support network I worry about. My oldest has done OK at forming relationships. Since he started his current school 2.5 years ago, he's gained two new close friends, and a large circle of people who he hangs out with outside of school. But my youngest, who has been so damaged (to quote @Rosie_0801) by his father, hasn't had that success. He's my super extroverted kid. He desperately needs people to be with. In his case, I do think the issue is trauma, because he had a wonderful circle of friends before things got bad. But despite school, and playing all the sports, he hasn't made new friends since 2020. The idea of taking him away from the people he loves, is a hard one to accept, especially since I'm not well enough to be his support person. So, I hear the suggestion. I just can't imagine how to put it into action.

And yet, other people seem to have friends. How does that happen?

I didn’t make friends easily before the trauma.

I didn't say all the people thought that.

I don't know how to do that. It's not like I haven''t tried to make friends. I'm just really bad at it. I can't move. For very complicated, very real reasons, I am tied to this area. Not all of DH's family is dysfunctional.

Someone told me that my child's PTSD was probably caused, not by the enormous medical trauma, not by losing 3 parents before his 9th birthday, but by my parenting, specifically because I bought him the wrong kind of iPad, and thus revealed my disdain for him, or something like that. I'm not saying everyone thought that, but some people certainly did.

When I first came here, people thought I was an awful mother!

Thank you, but I want to understand all viewpoints.

No, I want to know what @KungFuPanda is trying to say, even if it's not what I want to hear. I think I do prioritize my kids mental health, but if she sees evidence I don't, I want to hear what that is so I can change.

Yes basically. They already connect church with Dad. Because they attended with Dad for years, and many of the memories a wonderful memories. But, I don't want an association between going to church and feeling spied on, or going to church and feeling controlled, or going to church and feeling fear that it will lead to more abuse. I don't care if they freely choose a different religious path, but free is the operative word there. If you choose something because you're running from something else, that's not a free choice.

I'm not really sure how this connects with my situation. I know that what religion someone grows up to be is not within parental control, but I do think that connecting church attendance with intrusion, control, and conflict is not going to increase the likelihood that the kid continues to attend. I can't "release" abusive behavior towards my minor children, from someone who has hurt them in the past. Protecting my children is literally my most important job.

I don't understand what you are saying here. It sounds like you are defending him, and saying he should be allowed to keep track of where I go and what I do, and grill my kids about my behavior, and that when he does I should be nice and reassuring?

He is my husband. He can tell people that. I tell people he is my husband. That’s not ick. It’s fact. I realize I could get divorced. I don’t plan to do that.

Who is he, the priest or DH?

I don't think he sees it as gossiping. When my middle kid was in ICU out of state, and DH and I didn't get home to our other boys for almost 7 weeks, our priest reached out every few days. He let us initiate phone calls, but he sent regular texts that might have been a photo of our kids playing at recess or in a CYO game, or a note that the choir sounded really good, and he could tell that oldest loved to sing, or "I know they miss you but I can tell their grandfather is taking good care of them" or something. He hears, for the most part, one side, because he's DH's confidant and confessor which makes him not mine. I think he thinks I have overreacted, and hopes we'll reconcile, and in the meantime he's sending reassurances to their Dad that they are growing and attending church. I'm sure he texts when the boys come to his church, telling their Dad that they've grown, or that they were polite when they greeted him after, or whatever. I think he means it as a kindness. And if he left out information about whether I attended too, and if DH didn't mention it to the boys, I could live with that. But there is this constant need for DH to know where I am, and who I am with, and what I am up to, that is really unhealthy and intrusive. I take my marriage vows seriously. I am not going to break them. But he needs to trust me to do that, because what I do with my time is my business. He has lost the right to monitor that. It happens that this day I was home with a sleepy child, but if I chose to go visit my mom, or to attend a work conference, or if I was sick and contagious and decided not to attend that would be my choice as well. Because we are separated, which means separate.

From today until the day I die I will refer to the airplane lav as “The Great Honeybucket in the Sky”.

I know that was incoherent but I think I will just leave it.