I don't want to restart a giant debate, but for me personally, the fact that the excess deaths are lower makes up my mind. Lockdowns have such immense costs that they need to at least decrease excess deaths if they're to justify themselves. If they don't do even that, I would never again support them. I was very pro-lockdown at the time. I look around right now, and the lockdowns did incredible harm to the fabric of every community I'm a part of. The homeschooling community in NYC hasn't recovered yet. I've been doing a lot of work to make it lively again and it's hard. As for voluntary stuff, absolutely. What I'd like to see in some utopian world I don't live in is the level of trust that results in people actually following public health guidelines without lockdowns. I'd want people to be very careful in vulnerable places, masks to be distributed, all sorts of stuff that would decrease virus transmission. But lockdowns again? I'll take a pass.

On the topic of reevaluating the lockdowns, there's good evidence that Sweden did very well after all: https://reason.com/volokh/2023/01/10/no-lockdown-sweden-seemingly-tied-for-lowest-all-causes-mortality-in-oecd-since-covid-arrived/ It's not really revisionism to reevaluate given further data.

I'd heavily weigh what kind of person your DDIL is when thinking about what she said. This kind of blame-shifting is standard. I've actually had it in my life recently -- I told my mom that I'd need a break from talking to her, and she immediately called my DH and started talking about how she was worried about me being mentally ill. That's the only way her brain could process the rejection -- to make it be something entirely outside her control, entirely about me. It's a very common tactic with personality disorders. I don't know your DDIL, so I can't say if that's what's going on, but it's something to keep in mind.

As for what to do with your son . . . I know that I personally am not able to feel otherwise than I actually feel. If I feel shellshocked, sad, and like it's too sudden, then I won't be able to act like I feel otherwise. My empathy will not be genuine. It will feel wrong to the other person. What I'd do is stop giving advice and be open about how you feel, but also try to get to a place where you realize that your grief doesn't give you the right to tell him what to do and that your feelings are about YOU. And I'd try to see if you can have conversations with your son where you just listen with a completely open mind and don't make suggestions. I'd guess that if you do that, you'll have a far better understanding of where he is and your feelings will shift, too, and you'll be able to be genuinely supportive. And if even after listening, you think he should try couples' therapy, then your opinion will have the merit of being informed. (And in that case, I'd make that suggestion ONCE and leave it be. Deal with your feelings about how things are and be there for your son.)

Couples' therapy doesn't work if there's any kind of power imbalance. I wouldn't have gone with my DH until we resolved that.

Hopefully the baby got adopted quickly . . . what a sad start to a life :-(.

What happened to the baby?

I’m not suggesting a return a surface level stuff. You’ll need to hash it out with her and not let it build up under the surface. But I still wouldn’t have texted any of that. I don’t know how to explain. The path I see forward is tricky and uncertain. But it sounds like you really value the friendship, so in your place I’d try it, I think.

I have a totally different take from most other people. Next time she reaches out, just talk to her. Don't ask for clarifications and just let her be where she's at. It sounds like she's hurt and not feeling trust and I don't think any of the texts you sent were a good idea, because they were liable to get misinterpreted -- that's how it goes with text communications when there are hurt feelings. She sounds like a difficult and emotionally damaged person. It's worth thinking about whether you even want a friendship. But if you do, I don't think this is the right way to engage.

That sounds like my experience as well. I'm Canadian, so I didn't take AP classes (although my DH did, I think.) I did go to a school with a gifted program, but that's not the same thing. But at least in my experience, the level of thinking required in college was much, much higher.

I'm not quite following. Are you saying the AP classes were harder because there was more weight on things other than tests? I remember feeling that college classes required a higher level of thinking and dispensed with the hoops I had to jump through in high school. I think that's consistent with what you're saying, although I'm not sure.

I’d be extremely surprised if AP classes are generally more difficult than college classes at a good school. The level of thought required at college is much higher in my experience. It hasn’t been my experience when teaching math that all kids at good schools are ready for the classes. All the kids do work hard. But there are plenty who don’t know how to learn or to thoroughly understand difficult concepts.

Congratulations!!!

Yeah, people are definitely using the word differently in this thread. Lots of us are not describing standard co-ops. The purely social parts of the group I run do take place in the afternoon -- we don't take a whole day for them. The kids see each other in the morning, but only in the context of classes. A group that took up the entire day and was of no academic value would be a hard no for me. Partially because anyone who wanted to take part in that would probably have very different homeschooling values from us . . .

I think groups can really vary. I run a homeschool social group with a long afternoon playdate once a week and lots of high quality enrichment Zoom classes on other days. (They are small and a la carte -- everyone takes what they want.) This has worked really well for us for maintaining connections for my older girl and I plan to do the same with my younger girl if she's interested. I've also seen really crappy co-ops with totally worthless academics and pods with classes the kids don't even want to be in. I wouldn't write every co-op off unless there are really very limited options. (And I think some established groups don't advertise much, so keeping an eye out for quality stuff is key.)

Was this for a Writing Problem or a Challenge Problem? Because you don't need extensions for the latter.

Yes. She sounds unhealthy. People who marry abusers often are.

I’m really sorry. This is so cruddy. What I’d do here is get to a point where you’re at peace and don’t feel like you need her back, then text her apologizing for anything you feel about it, tell her you miss her and love her, and that you’ll be there if she reaches out. Then I’d let it go. This isn’t yours to fix. She obviously has issues that go way beyond your relationship.

My grandparents were evacuated in the war as little kids. People would settle down in different cities than where they started. People wouldn’t see their fathers again after uprooting their lives. War is terrible. War that’s far away is terrible, too, especially if you have family that fought in it. But the scale of the upheaval is different when it’s war on your own soil, in your own city.

Thank you!!!

Whoa. He was young 😕.

We’ve driven through many states when driving from NY to CA, and gosh, so many are pretty. Here are some I remember: Upstate NY has beautiful forests and Niagara. Montana has amazing mountains. Washington has lots of lovely landscapes. California had a lot of everything. Arizona had amazing alien desert landscapes with cacti — we didn’t make it to the Grand Canyon, but I know it has that going for it, too. North Caroline was very pretty and wooded… and has mountains too, iirc. That’s what’s jumping out at me right now!! This is making me want to drive across the country to California again, goodness 😂.

Congratulations!!!!

You’re right. I’ll knock it off. My bad.

Everything plausible I can see moving forward. Not everything EVERYTHING.