easypeasy
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Posts posted by easypeasy
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2 minutes ago, ktgrok said:
To be fair, I'm a woman and I'd want a guy I was dating to stop wearing jewelry his ex gave him - at least when he was actually around his ex. And yes, DH has worn jewelry during out time together, so this is a real thing that could have happened.
I also asked him nicely to get new sheets on his bed when I started spending time in said bed, as his ex girlfriend picked them out and bought them for him and that weirded me out.
I did the same thing to my DH when we started dating, so I wouldn't have thought it was a big deal for the new bf to ask her to not wear the necklace. I feel like that's a perfectly fine request. I encouraged her to put herself in his shoes, but she's still young and that's sometimes hard to do.
I asked dh to take down photos, change sheets, throw out some kitchen things she had picked out.... it was a LONG LIST! 🤣 And he did it all - every single thing - without batting an eyelash because he wanted me to feel comfortable around him. If I'd have had to eat off dishes she picked out - our relationship wouldn't have lasted. But *I* place emotional attachment to things - my dh does not.
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lol. Bless you all for always having opinions. 😆 I can always count on that. 😁
Some fill-in-the-blank info:
1) This isn't my DD. It's a dear friend of my sons that I've known for years and she called me up just to chat and this came up and we were pondering the conversation. Her new boyfriend's reaction to the necklace didn't prompt the convo - but a couple girlfriends of hers told her she needed to stop wearing it bc she was with a new guy now (they told her it was ok to wear if she was single, but she needed to not wear it now that she was with the new guy). They said the new bf is probably bugged by it and will probably ask her to stop wearing it at some point. She felt like why should she have to hide it. The new bf knows she dated the other guy & she knows it is over.
2) The new bf has NOT asked her to stop wearing the necklace. It's been discussed ONE time, when he just said he "didn't like that very much" and that was the end of it. He hasn't been petty or anything about it whatsoever. He did (in a different conversation with her) say he doesn't believe in showering someone with gifts early in a relationship because that throws the focus off of just getting to know each other. He seems to be more of a "flowers for no reason, gifts saved for birthdays and anniversaries" kind of guy. He is romantic but definitely gives her a lot more space than the last guy did.
3) The old bf was actually the "out of character" guy. She was accepted into a prestigious school and just finished her freshman year, but comes from a modest (middle-class) world. Ex swooped in (he is a year ahead) and romanced her in a way she's never before experienced. Very fancy dinners, weekend trips to NYC & Miami, etc.
4) New bf is much more like she guys she's known all her life. It would be like her dating one of my sons, from the sounds of it, and she's known both of my boys for over a decade.
The only extracurricular stuff she is involved in are directly tied to her major and/or her future career. She has lots of research and outreach opportunities here that she didn't have back home - but many of those are connected/tied to the ex in some way (like, they have research assistantships under the same professor this coming year), so she DOES have to have a working relationship with him. The new bf is in an entirely different major (econ) and has different extracurricular needs. They are all very, very busy.
However, they hike together, camp together... all the stuff she did at home hanging around my sons. Those things will just lessen now that school has started (and new bf isn't going to be whisking her away to Rome for Christmas Break, yk?) and she will be appear to be doing a lot of things with the ex bc their scholastic paths cross a lot. New bf isn't the rebound - I think the ex was the experiment. lol
Anyway. Thank you for all the opinions. It was helpful to know that replies here were sort of as all over the place as her friends' opinions are! lol 😄 The Barbie (new vs old) comment above is so right, I think. Things are changing and it is leaving so many people just having no idea what is the "right" thing to do in situations, even when they are actively seeking to find it!
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47 minutes ago, marbel said:
The new boyfriend may be somewhat bothered by the difference in financial statuses between him and the ex. Every time she wears it around him, he may be reminded of the fact that he could not buy her anything similar. That may be his problem, for sure, but if I liked a guy and I knew he was uncomfortable, I'd stop wearing the necklace. Totally reaching here, but maybe having such a nice necklace makes her feel it raises her status at the "stupid wealthy" school. I can think back on my youth and totally see some young women doing such a thing. Not saying the person you are asking about is doing it.
I really liked my first wedding ring. I still think it's very pretty and for that reason I haven't gotten rid of it. If I hadn't gotten remarried, I'd probably still wear it on the other hand. But I don't do that because it would bother my husband, even 30 years on. (And yes, a wedding ring holds much greater significance than a necklace, I know that.)
Not that it raises her status, but definitely makes her feel she blends in more. 😂 FWIW, she has a Tiffany necklace that she also wears a lot. No ex involved there, though.
New boyfriend is minimalistic by nature. Outdoorsy kid. Not materialistic. Insanely smart and will be stupid rich someday (and he’s not broke or anything - just not capable or desirous to buy $$$$ jewelry in a new relationship. She likes these things about him. He’s not showy. He buys her flowers (her favorites).
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2 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:
I suppose I took away from the OP that he was planning or considering asking her to stop wearing it, or that there was an expectation that she would stop wearing it.
No, it’s more of a “what IS the right thing to do here” question. Is she tacky/insensitive for wearing the necklace? Is he needy/insecure for asking her not to wear it?
Also - @HomeAgain she isn't emotionally attached to things. To her the necklace is just a pretty thing and she likes pretty things. But she understands that a lot of people DO have emotional attachments to things. So she’s wondering if there is a clear right or wrong thing to do in this case.
And wasn’t sure - IF he asks her to stop wearing it - if that’s a Red Flag or a Perfectly Reasonable Request.
Her friends are split on what she should do, proactively.
I said “late summer,” but the relationship actually started in early July. They met in June.
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4 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:
Yes, being bothered to this extent seems insecure. Having a conversation with her about it would be fine, but that's about it. Once she explains that it's nicest piece of jewelry she's ever owned and she enjoys the bauble for its own sake and not because of an attachment to the ex, he should be able to work through his feelings about it. Especially because it sounds like a new relationship, it sounds too early for him to insisting on things like that. That sounds like they are in very different headspaces.
ETA: Even if she does put away the necklace, the new boyfriend is likely to be upset over time about her seeing the ex daily at school. She can't change that part. It might just be bad timing for this relationship. If they met after college it might be different, but alas. Sometimes the timing is just off.
It’s the “to this extent” that has me confused. To my knowledge, the new bf, when he found out the necklace was from her ex sort of scrunched his nose and said, “oooh, I don’t really love that.”
He hasn’t asked her to stop wearing it - yet (maybe he never will?).
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2 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:
New boyfriend sounds insecure and this relationship probably just needs to end. They sound like they are in 2 very different places emotionally and mentally. If she takes the necklace off but still sees the ex daily because of school, the new boyfriend is still going to be insecure and jealous because its not about the necklace, its about insecurity. It will just be something else next week.
Am genuinely curious - where does it appear that the new boyfriend sounds insecure and in very different places "emotionally and mentally?" Just based on that he doesn't like seeing the necklace around her neck?
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8 minutes ago, katilac said:
Wearing it seems to be begging the universe for drama.
A diamond pendant that is striking enough for others to ask where she got it doesn't strike me as everyday wear.
She attends a small uni that old boyfriend and new boyfriend also both attend? Just wear different jewelry.
Jewelry that significant others give you is never 'just' jewelry.
I think ppl ask her about it more bc it’s one she wears consistently while her other jewelry switches around. It’s a stupid wealthy kind of school - the necklace itself shouldn't really stick out compared to what other girls are wearing. It’s just the nicest one she has.
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12 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:
In my world, she gives the necklace back when they split up. That’s the classy thing to do.
In my understanding, this was offered and vehemently refused.-
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Looking for some outside perspective 🙂
Young woman has a necklace she wears every day. Was given to her by a young man she was in a relationship with for approx 6 months. They break up before summer and go their separate ways. However. They are still at a small uni together, have the same major, many shared classes this coming semester, and are part of some of the same clubs together that are tied to their future careers.
So - they will be seeing one another frequently and the girl is hoping to keep things civil but doesn’t really want to be “friends” or “hang out” like the young man would like. (Young man would also most likely like to get back together, but she isnt entertaining that notion)
Enter new boyfriend. Very new relationship that started late summer at an internship. Also goes to the same uni. New bf has very different aspirations and will have zero classes with the young lady and will not be part of any clubs/extracurriculars as the young lady.
Should she continue wearing the necklace given to her by the ex? Is the necklace “just jewelry” or a symbol of something larger signified (or perceived by others) by the continued wearing of the necklace?
Would new boyfriend be in in the green zone to ask that she not wear the necklace bc it makes him vaguely uncomfortable or does he suck it up, buttercup?
FWIW, it is a very nice necklace w a diamond pendant. lol New boyfriend very likely cannot afford to replace it with similar quality anytime soon as the financial statuses of the two boys are vastly different. Also, new boyfriend would probably wait til an anniversary for a gift like this while old boyfriend bought it “just because” (probably a bit of a love bomb gift).
When ppl ask about who gave her the necklace, she shrugs it off and says “nobody important” or “it doesn’t matter.”
She wears other jewelry. This one she just likes to wear everyday because it is an everyday kind of necklace (goes with everything, easy to wear). She likes the new boyfriend very much, but also likes the necklace.
Thoughts? 💡
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Yay on the update!!! And your daughter is absolutely lovely! I hope she continues to have a great year - I love a good happy ending! 🙂
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I absolutely believe in luck and that some are luckier than others. While luck might come and go for most of us, some do live charmed lives through no actions of their own to drive (or deserve) it.
And, on the flip side, some are born under an unlucky star.
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Yes, given that literacy in general is in a desperate downward spiral, it's unsurprising that Bible reading has also taken a nosedive.
IME, the evangelicals I know ("those" Christians) have only read enough scripture to quote very specific segments back at you when they are trying to win a theological discussion.
I am not religious. However, I make it a point to READ the entire Bible every 2 or 3 years just so I can stay sharp on what it *actually* says vs what people like to TELL me it says.
I have found that the less literate people are, the more loud opinions they have about things they know nothing about. 😑
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Late teens/early 20s is the perfect time to test out crazy haircuts. Her inspo pic is very, very instyle right now, which is undoubtedly affecting her decision.
I also like to first ask, "How do you like it?" or "Do you love it?!" first and gauge their response. (This is usually over the phone, bc my kids like to call me after their hair appointments 😆)
If they're happy, I go along with something like what Tap said above, "You are so freaking awesome to try such a different hairstyle! You know I've had the same hair for 30 years," and then we both have a good laugh at how boring mom is.
If they're not happy, I go into damage control mode, buy some ice cream, and tell them how much I love their face and that the shorter hair lets me see more of it for the time being.
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8 hours ago, mommyoffive said:
I feel like it is cheaper if to just order things off Amazon/costco and have it shipped there. Is there any good subscription type places that do this? I think Amazon used to do things like this.
It is cheaper, but my kids are exasperated when they have four amazon boxes arriving every other day (or, worse, when four packages from one order arrive all at once!) that they have to trek across campus to pick up.
So I started buying the stuff myself and shipping it. I'm able to eliminate a lot of extra packaging and stuff that way too.
I usually only send packages when they are feeling stressed out, so I try to make the packages as no-stress as possible, since that would be completely opposite of what I'm attempting to do! lol This way, I only wind up sending a few packages through the year, so I don't mind the shipping costs too much.
When they *need* something, they just Amazon-order it themselves (which, honestly, steals some of the romantic notions of sending a care package in the first place... haha! they never *need* anything from me, specifically!).
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We gatekeep for our kids too. They get a heads up from us when it's "safe" to answer a grandma call. It's exhausting. I commiserate with you.
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My college kids never seem to get enough protein, so the care packages I send are full of protein bars, Kodak oatmeal in the microwavable cups, protein shake powder, meat sticks (Chomps are pretty good), and AG1 powder. I also usually send homemade cookies and muffins.
I don't know WHY (maybe it's just my kids?) but eating enough is always a struggle and they get sick because they aren't well-nourished. So I try to send things they can throw in their backpacks and have ready AT ALL TIMES for when they realize they forgot to eat and have a headache coming on.
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There are so many doors!! 🙃 I am jealous of all that storage you have!!!
For artwork - yes, Etsy. Also, you can visit a lot of major museum websites and download high-resolution art files for free. Just have one of those printed at a local printer and have it framed!
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Pre-2020, no. I didn't know a single person who thought this (or, more specifically, I didn't know anyone who admitted that they believed this).
Since 2020? Easily half of my extended family and probably more than half of the people we used to associate with when we were homeschooling.
It has been a speedy and shocking development and, honestly, a lot to wrap my own brain around to process.
It's not just the moon landing, either. So many things. Shootings - diseases - JFK, Jr. - Russia vs Ukraine - etc.
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11 hours ago, Katy said:
My family has no visual imagination either. It’s remarkable how little they can picture. Ages ago when DH & I first started dating he came over to help me finish tiling a tub. White subway tile, white grout, I’d already finished the first 3 rows so he missed the most difficult first row. When we finished grouting he was astonished.
Before grout he thought it was crooked and looked awful. It was actually perfect but all his eye could see was the first row looked crooked because to top of the tub was sloped towards the drain so the bottom row of tiles was thick near the drain and quite thin on the opposite side. The tops of the tiles were perfectly level. When I was done with grout it looked perfect. After a few more projects he stopped offering opinions. He’ll say, “I trust you,” or “I can’t picture it, but you’re good at this stuff.”
YES. THIS. OMGOSH. SO MUCH THIS. YES.
My husband, bless his unimaginative heart, has never evolved to the "I trust you" phase. So, we keep clunking along. When I grew up, my mom was the "housewife" and my dad gave her carte blanche with the house. My husband always wants to be a part of the decision process - but the conversations we have getting there make me so irritable. Drives me nuts bc, bless him again, he has zero style/decorator sense or knowledge but LOTS of opinions. 🥴
The kids inherited their dad's foresight. We have brick areas inside the house (fireplaces, accent wall) and I have wanted to limewash them for yearrrrssssss. The brick coordinates with absolutely nothing inside the house at this point (a deep reddish brick in a house of mostly cool or non-red tones). But everyone gasps like I want to paint some original table and chairs from the 1600s pumpkin orange or something. No vision whatsoever. 🫤
How I suffer. 🫠
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I suggested this to my husband and I think he very nearly had a stroke. Tried to describe my "vision" to my kids and they looked at me like I had three heads, "why would you want to do that, mom??"
Neighbor painted their house a lovely dove gray this spring and it looks AMAZING. My husband can't stop talking about how nice it looks. The kids LOVE it. 😐😑🤨
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For such a long-term relationship, I would have talked to her. Just for some closure on both sides - otherwise I'd wonder forever and ever what she would have wanted to say and that would drive me crazy.
I wouldn't view it as taking sides in anyway so soon after the relationship ended. If YOU contacted HER and went out for coffee on the regular... that would be weird and your son would have a right to be uncomfortable. But, this isn't that, so I wouldn't worry and I'm certain my kids would not have any issues with that either (and, if they did, I think I have a reasonable explanation). I wouldn't give the ex ANY information about my child, though. Not how they're doing, not what they're doing, not what they're planning to do... nada.
Oh, and if I were friends with this person on FB, I'd switch them to where they couldn't see my updates. I wouldn't unfriend them until they unfriended me, but I do hide them from my feed. My kids let me post about them all I want, but I don't give exes the views to that. If my kids want to stay connected with their exes, that's up to them entirely.
However, what you did was perfectly reasonable and maybe even the "more right" thing to do. 🙂
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Since you have cream and brown there to stay, I would go with the Red Barn or the Mountain Road colors. Both of those should meld nicely with cream/brown.
If the brown weren't there, I'd lean toward the blue or plum colors. Blue, because I love blue accents on homes and plum because I think it's a sadly underrepresented color out there in the world and it's such a nice color! But, I don't think either of those sync as well with brown as the Red Barn or Mountain Road. 🙂
Have fun deciding!!
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Trip to Europe. STAT. Wherever has the cheapest airline tickets at the moment.
How I wish I had long-lost relatives... 🫠
Wearing an Ex’s Jewelry Gift
in The Chat Board
Posted · Edited by easypeasy
Yes, the story DID change. She did break up with him. I wasn’t aware of that earlier. When we talked again she corrected me. I guess I had made the assumption & made that assumption fact. 😶😶 Bad on me. Ugh.
either way - she’s valued the opinions and is taking them, and her friends opinions into consideration and moving forward into the semester.