I had not even realized it was an option to just accept that she is gone and not coming back. I thought I did not count as healed until she was back. I love that you said you are worth getting to know. I love that confidence and self-respect!! I can't say enough about how helpful this thread has been to me. It is just such an enormous relief to know that others have gone through this process and come out the other side changed but with someone they are ok with being. I felt like what I was going through was so insanely weird that I was afraid to even tell the therapist about it in case he decided I was just out of my mind.

I can't handle responding to this with the detail it deserves, but thank you very much for sharing this. Many of these events are similar to what has happened to me. I am trying not to bawl just reading this, as i have to go back to work in about 20 minutes, and I don't want to be a train wreck. " I think of it as serial lives" Ok, that works. I have been wondering how to get the old me back. Maybe instead I just have to let her go, and start with the current me. It's just....... I don't like current me very much. I liked the old me a great deal. Would you be ok with me sharing this post as a starting point to discuss some things with my therapist? I wouldn't share your screen-name or anything, but the sequence of events and feelings are so similar. Sometimes I find in the therapy appointments, I can hardly talk, because I am trying so hard not to cry that I can barely speak at all. Other times I feel like we are talking about things that sound important but in the long run are really inconsequential and not really important at all... But sometimes I can't stop doing this fake, chatty routine that just is.... pointless.

Thank you , this was good to hear. Honestly I have been working with this therapist for about 5 months. He still does not know all the major events and traumas because I can only handle talking about so much of it at a time. I have just begun trying to journal again. I think the big problem is my fear ( probably unwarranted) that someone is going to pick up and read something about themselves that they don't want to hear. So then I am journaling in code. I probably just need to find some more secure place to keep it. "It makes the days really long when you feel like you are living your live in the shadows and just doing things because they need to be done." Yes. Yes, it really, really does.

Thank you everyone so much for sharing your experiences. It has helped enormously to know I am not alone in going through this. I did put through an emergency call to my therapist and we talked through some of the worst of it and will talk again later this week. Thank you so much for reassuring me that what I was going through was a response to trauma, not a loss of my humanity and decency. I felt like I had become something subhuman in my grief. Thank you for offering hope in the middle of the craziness of today.

Well, I have found a ride to the store, and a friend is coming with me too. Hopefully we will find a source of sugar that will lift my spirits without causing an arthritis flare-up. Thank-you friends. I feel a little less like an alien to hear that I am not the only person who has felt this way.

You know, I was initially baffled by this comment. Then I wondered what belief I might have had that would be connected to that event. Yes. That makes sense now.

Thank.. you. this is a good suggestion. I have read some of his other stuff and he is a lovely writer.

I hear what you are saying. The thing is.... no one knows I am not doing well. I am the glue holding them all together. I am the tough, funny one making everyone laugh. I am the lady who can't be broken. Except I am . I am just a puppet on stage, praying the strings keep holding up because there is nothing inside that stand upright if someone cuts those strings..

I really really hope it makes me a more compassionate person. Because right now I just feel like I have no compassion for anyone. Like... no one has had any mercy for me so what is the point in having any mercy for them? I just feel like there is a giant wall between me and everybody else. And the only thing I am doing is trying really hard to be careful not to feel anything too strongly so I can keep on surviving. Not love, not sadness, not kindnesss, not anything. If I could put myself in a coma and still do my job, I would.

I don't know. I really liked this medication.. It stopped the crying and feeling horrible almost immediately.

Thank-you. This, exactly, all of this. Just crying my eyes out reading this. I miss who I used to be. I miss feeling hope.

Also I realized reading everyone's replies that my need to feel in control has made it very hard to talk to my therapist about this stuff. So I sent my therapist an email explaining this and told him he needs to bring it up when he sees me next because I won't know how to.

Also... the PTSD sounds very plausible as well. I can't really go into details here but.... yeah....... What does an EMDR practitioner do? And can they do it remotely ? Because I live in the middle of nowhere.

Yes, my therapist suggested I read, "The Body Keeps the Score" as well. It was frighteningly accurate, but also gave me the courage to make some changes in my life that were very much needed. Which is the other reason why chocolate is a bad idea as it will give me an arthritic flare-up in my hands........

I think the idea is the serotonin is masking what I am actually feeling , and if I put it down I will be forced to deal with whatever I am overeating to avoid feeling. I am not crazy about it either.... But I have lost 20 pounds working with this guy so far, so I feel like we are moving in the right direction even if it is really painful... Having said that.... I am seriously trying to find a ride to the store to get some chocolate.

uhm........ feelings?

That is actually a really good idea!! Thank you...... I was a double English Lit/ Visual Arts major in university and that might help a lot. I have only just picked it up again since Christmas as my therapist challenged me to find stuff I find fun.

I am in individual therapy too. It has focussed on emotional eating behaviours, but mostly we have not gone into this level of discussion before. However, our last session was very intense, and raw, and did touch on just the "outer layers" of this. He challenged me to put down chocolate this week .........and I guess this is the result. I feel like I don't describe things the way other people do, so then it doesn't make any sense. Yes. This. I feel like I think in pictures and can't find the words.

Has anyone else ever felt this way? We went through a very rough period with our family about 3 -4 years ago. It was just months and months of non-stop drama and conflict. There was a particular incident ( that I am not going to go into details about) that just ....... broke me. I honestly felt like something inside me died that day. If I described it, it would not sound all that dramatic, but something about it... just killed me. Since then I have just felt like a hollow shell of my former self. I don't think I will ever hope or trust or love the same way again. That girl is dead and gone. I have no idea who this new me is. She is a lot more cynical and I just feel cold inside. I am not sure that part of me will ever be warm again. Yes, I am going to therapy. But.... my husband did not know I felt this way. He knows I have been unhappy, but has not realized that it has not really been about anything recently. He keeps thinking it is about this issue or that issue rather than just that..... part of me no longer has any hope...... about marriage or anything else. In general... my heart is closed. Like not just to him but to everything, to life. I don't know how to put that any other way. I finally told my husband about this and he was just overwhelmed. And I feel bad that he is overwhelmed but I can't really take it back. I mean, maybe my memories are not accurate and my conclusions are unfair, but I don't really know how to fix that or even evaluate if that is true. I honestly don't know for sure what my question is. I feel like a completely different person. Like, I vaguely remember how she thought and felt. But it is not how I feel or think. She does not feel like a continuation of me, but like a completely separate person who simply no longer exists. I feel like I am simply pretending with everyone ... pretending to be the same person. But really.... I am just...... a ghost.. I am functioning and performing my job and existing as a human being but the part of me that actually loved people is gone. I don't know if she is ever coming back. I don't particularly like the person I am right now. This isn't how I want to be. But I have no idea how to become anything else. I just feel.... frozen. Like I am made of little shards of ice and they form the shape of a human, but inside there is nothing there. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be a human being again. Am I just broken for good? Am I just being melodramatic? Am I disassociating? Is it just chemical? I am on anti-depressants and they seem to work. I feel much happier than when I didn't take them. But I feel like a stranger. Like all the things that define me as "me" are gone. I tried to explain to the marriage therapist but he didn't seem to understand what I meant. Has this happened to anyone else? I just wondered if somehow I had the right words to describe what happened maybe someone ( like a therapist) would know how to make me whole again.

A nearby reserve started with 1 case on Dec. 27. As of today ( Jan 3) , they now have 174 cases which amounts to over 40% of the population. This is a fly-in only reserve so not a lot of strangers here. I could no tell you the exact vaccination status of the population but people up here are very concerned about catching Covid due to the weak medical system so I know our own reserve has about 85 % of the adult population vaccinated. It has moved frighteningly fast.

I am so curious as to where you are going!! Anyways as someone who does live in a place with minimal health care, keep in mind all the other little things that can happen beside Covid. We CAN get to the nursing station, but sometimes it is busy or sometimes they are out of supplies there as well. You may have already thought of such things. But if you haven't already, I would include: bandaids of different sizes, alcohol wipes for cuts, hydrogen peroxide, Polysporin, Basic eye drops, basic ear drops, a tensor bandage, an ice pack, Tylyenol, Advil, muscle relaxants. Don't forget Midol, if you are prone to cramping. Monistat can be useful too. Orajel if you are prone to toothaches. If you are not sure about water quality, bring a water filtering system. As to Covid-specific: bring some vitamin D, some throat lozanges, some nasal spray. also lots of juice mix and bouillon cubes, for days when you don't feel like cooking if you are sick.

Thanks for sharing this!!! It was awesome to watch! I can hardly claim to be too old to get fit now!!!

Wow! I aspire to be as organized as that!!

Yeah, digital planners make a lot of sense... but i just really like paper planners better.

So I am sitting here feeling like getting a planner would be a good idea to help with goal setting this year. I have been using just a dotted bullet journal, but it tends to end up as just one giant to-do list, so I feel like I need a more structured approach. As mentioned before, I live in an isolated location so I can't really go out and look for planners , it is all just online. At this point, my head is spinning looking at different samples and trying to decide what would work. We have just locked down hard and I have too much time on my hands, and I am just noodling around wasting it right now. So this group seems very organized and seemed like a good bunch to ask: What are your favourite planners? Why? What do you love about them? Conversely, which planners did you hate and why did you hate them.