I think it depends a little bit on what you mean by "holding a grudge"? It sounds like you are considering it equivalent to having healthy boundaries which I would not consider as the same thing at all. To me, holding a grudge would mean I still felt angry, resentful and unable to forgive the person. I may or may not still have contact with the person, but simply it is an anger I am unable to let go of. It might LEAD to creating a no-contact or low-contact boundary but it is not the same thing. On the other hand, being able to extend grace would imply I can forgive this person for what they have done. This would not neccessarily imply that I still have contact with them either, although I suppose it is more likely. Holding a grudge is about an interior attitude, having a boundary is about a pattern of behaviour. I don't normally think it is emotionally healthy to hold a grudge ( although I have certainly done so) . It can definitely be emotionally healthy to have a boundary of low contact or no contact . Ultimately, each person is the only one who is able to decide what the criteria are to make that decision. Things I would be looking at would be: Does the person show real remorse? Is there any actual effort to change their ways? Have they attempted to make amends? Is this action outside of their normal pattern of behvaiour or is it typical for them? Was I ( or people I love) physically hurt or endangered by this person? Am I at risk or being bullied or hurt in some fashion by this person in the future? Also, sometimes boundaries change. I have had people who I went low-contact with, who I was able to tolerate more contact with once I felt stronger, and once I felt that I had a sense of what I could trust them with and what to avoid. I simply expected less of them than I used to and was able to enjoy who they were instead of focussing on what I had hoped our friendship to be. I think with family it is trickier.

This is simply from my perspective. From what I understand, a cult is very much all about following the leader "blindly". The leader can change directions, have contradictory directions, and no one is allowed to question or discuss them. There is harsh punishment for disagreeing. They have complete control over all aspects of your life. Once in, you can't leave, as they will slowly cut off your access to the outside world and often take complete control over your finances if they can. There is a lot of secrecy and shame. Everything is based on making the leader feel better about themselves. No one else really matters. In a regular religion, the rules are "posted". If I want to find out what is being taught by major religions around the world, I can easily pick up their holy books and read for myself. I can read the commentaries on their books as well. Most major religions often have differerent denominations or groupings, precisely because there is a willingness to allow discussion, disagreement, and independent opinions. If I leave my church, no one is threatening me. My pastor does not have control over my life. Unless I choose to share it with him, he probably doesn't know any details about my life really. He has no control over my finances. He might possibly give advice to me on a life situation if I asked for it, but otherwise would probably not. It is totally expected that church members have autonomy over their own lives. My pastor would certainly expect me to make my own life decisions and would be cautious about giving advice as he would be fully aware that he might not see the whole picture. One specific example of this difference comes to mind that happened at our local church. The pastor and quite a few members felt very strongly about changing a particular point of doctrine that they felt was flawed. Other members of the church felt very strongly against it. When the doctrine was introduced, it was not done according to the proper business/ meeting procedures, and this was pointed out with a great deal of anger. Pastor apologized and withdrew that particular point of doctrine until such time as eveyone felt calmer and it could be reintroduced in the correct manner. It took about a year before that change was re- introduced . There was a long period of discussion among the members on that point for several months, as far as I understand. They finally voted on it and it was accepted as a change in doctrine. However, if the church as a whole had voted against it, the pastor would not have been able to preach on that topic as it went against the posted doctrine that everyone had agreed to. This is completely different than in a cult where the members would have zero say on what was being "preached" and there would be no requirement that a leader follow any rules he didn't wish to. Certainly they would never get to vote or even discuss a topic meaningfully , let alone disagree with a leader without being kicked out.

Also.. husband could be "nice" guy with no s@x drive. So she is craving s@xual excitement and/ or attention elsewhere.

I will look up candida detox. Might have to wait for report cards to be finished though. Thank you for the tips!

I appreciate this. I get frustrated with the new term "plant-based" which seems to mostly mean veganism, but seems like it should mean meals that are primarly plants but with the option for meat. My body does not seem to handle a lot of grains well, although I miss them quite a bit. I keep wanting the "perfect" answer and struggle with the fact that it seems to be different for each person. I don't know why I keep craving a black-and-white solution. Shades of gray are tricky for me.

Haha ! I totally agree that chewing is a boring thing to do. I don't mind gas, but sitting in the bathroom for 3 hours in agony is definitely not worth it. I am working on drinking the boring water though!!

My body does not tolerate beans very well.

Possibly? In like a month or so? It sounds like one is only good for about 2 weeks.

I am going to have to do some follow up on my blood glucose results, but I am a bit concerned as they are a titch high( not a lot, just a little, but I am also overweight). Mainly concerned as both parents have diabetes. There seems to be such an on-going debate about the best way to handle diet to lower blood sugar. Some people seem to swear by a vegan , low fat diet that seems to be high in carbs, others seem to swear by a low-carb high protein diet. Both sides claim to get results and there seem to be studies supporting both ways. But it seems like they can't both be right. How do you discover who is ultimately correct? Do both ways work and it just depends on the individual? I find the extremes on this topic very hard to sort through.

I am so sorry. Losing a child is heart-rending. Take care of yourself at this terrible time. 💔

I especially agree with the first part. A man saying... " Ooh, she is a hard woman!" I might take that to mean someone who is no-nonsense, can't be bullshitted or sweet-talked, not interested in flirting or playing games. I would not necessarily assume that she might come off as "hard" to another woman. I don't think I have ever heard a woman refer to another woman as "hard". Maybe that is a regional thing? I have heard women described as tough, but that doesn't have the same connotation to me. A lot of people seem to be equating hard with cold or uncompassionate. I think of hard as more like "difficult to get along with" or possibly "not easily fooled" rather than mean and uncaring.

At least where I live, psychiatrists don't normally do therapy.. they are more there to do a diagnosis and then prescribe medicine. Generally. actual therapy is done by social workers, psychologists, and other registered counsellors. But that may be different where you live. Medicine can absolutely make a huge difference, even if the circumstances in your life don't change. There are things I am honestly sad about that are real issues in my life. Without medication those issues can seem overwhelming and make it seem as if any kind of effort is pointless because those issues will always be there. With medication, those issues still exist but they don't colour my whole life black. I THOUGHT it was just the issues, but once I had a decent medication, I realized it was more chemical-based than I realized. Also, a good medication should not cause you to feel numb. If it does, that is either the wrong medication or the wrong dosage. Good medication can help reduce the endless spiel of anxiety or depression and clear your head to see the good around you and in your life. Good counselling can do that as well. Both together can made a huge difference and are well worth the effort. At least they have been for me.

Yeah, I kind of wish the doctors seemed to talk more amongst themselves? I know it is a big hospital though, and it is a holiday weekend, so people are taking different days off and thus not the same doctor handling things each day. It now sounds like they are going to give him a drug that raises red blood cells but can take up to 6 weeks to take effect. If they don't begin to see significant improvements, then they will begin looking at other possibilities such as Myelodysplastic syndrome. But only if he indicates that he is willing to do chemo as otherwise there is not point in even pursuing a diagnosis. He was well enough to have a conversation with last night though. It was a relief to hear his voice and he sounded in good spirits. His voice sounds a little slurred though. Apparently he had taken a walk around the hospital ward he was on ( with support) , and was quite pleased with himself. He sounds like he is fine with going to the nursing home though, which is great as I thought he would have a bigger problem with that. My brothers are getting clothes and furniture set up for him at the nursing home and have extended their stay as they want to be there when he transfers from the hospital to the nursing home. I am so incredibly grateful this all occurred when they happened to be in town. My one brother lives way down in Charleston and only gets up once a year for a few days. The fact the doctors found this out on the last day he was planning to be in town is just amazing to me!!

Do NOT stick your finger in the pencil sharpener... said to children at multiple grade levels, including as old as grade 5.

apparently now updated to Stage 4 Kidney Disease with the possibility that he might have Myelodysplastic syndrome, which can be treated with chemo. He would need to get all the testing done for that, which would include bone marrow biopsy. Does not need dialysis right now but apparently will in the future. Frustrating part is the doctor he saw this morning was reassuring my brother everything was fine, and his body just needs time to recover, and then the second doctor tells us all this.

My dad definitely has diabetes and does not control it well. I imagine this may be part of the cause ( in addition to the kidney stone) They explained it has : " he has an acute issue on top of a chronic issue". Except no one seemed to be aware he was having chronic kidney issues. They will do testing tomorrow and see how things look in terms of creatinine and hemoglobin. At this point it has become clear that my dad is not doing well on his own ( for other reasons not mentioned here) and we are arranging for care at a nursing home/ assisted living place. I am hopeful they will be helpful on the dietary front as they will be doing the cooking. I would feel better if I could actually see him. I am hoping to be able to get down in a week or two when we usually have a break for spring hunting up here.

I don't know the exact name, but yes, he is on a binding drug for the potassium.

Really helpful links thank-you. This just came out of nowhere for us, so just trying to get up to speed on what it all means.

thank-you that is extremely helpful. I know his hemoglobbin was down to like 63, when it is supposed to be at least 125. He did some routine blood work and got a call from his doctor to get over to emergency right away to get a blood transfusion. They have been doing blood transfusions for 3 days. His hemoglobin is only up to 85. They have been putting around 4 units of blood a day into him.

hmm... might be they use a different scale in different countries? I was told stage 4 is dialysis, so that would definitely be worse than where he is now. His potassium is extremely high. His creatinine is above 400 when normal is below 100 so I am told this means his kidneys aren't really filtering anything. They seem to be pinning a lot of hope that getting the kidney stone out will improve things. I am concerned that my brothers seem to be under the impression that he will then be back to "normal" , but I don't think that is the case. He is 85. He seems to have declined dramatically from when I saw him last year, and I don't really know how much is old age and how much is the kidney issue.

ooh, alligator sounds interesting!!

My dad has just been diagnosed and I am just trying to get an idea of what to expect going forward. He is having surgery today for a kidney stone that has been causing problems as well. His kidney may recover somewhat, but they will still be functioning poorly. I am very far away and not the one talking to the doctors. My brothers are.... one is wildly optimistic, and one is so concise, it is hard to get details.

INFP here. The hardest part... being an introvert. I have a whole teacher persona that people see.. but outside of the classroom without that persona to lean on, I can find it so hard to talk to people.

Thank you to all the people who helped provide concrete examples and solutions as that was very helpful. Able-bodied people with executive functioning challenges sometimes needs help establishing an outside structure which is what I am trying to help provide. In a day or two I will be back in at my house, and the guys will carry on without me here, so I am not "enabling" anything. They will be the ones that need to keep the house clean. I am just providing some tools and some checklists that can help. They are always free to ignore, edit or add as needed. There are no professional organizers in our tiny little town, and I have no idea why it would be ok for them to provide ideas but not me. My husband is stuck on the other side of the province due to road closures and bad conditions or we would be working together on this a little more. The moment he gets back safely, I have to fly back to my job. I am trying to keep my time here productive and make our new home a beautiful place that we will all enjoy living in. I feel like the conversation has kind of turned from the useful-suggestion-mode into let's-critique-her-as-a-person-mode, and I don't think that is very useful or kind. Thanks to everyone with the great links, ideas and insights as to how you keep your house clean as that was extremely helpful to me.

Figuring out what is not working is exactly the part my husband struggles with. He can re-arrange furniture once I am gone if he really wants, but he won't. The big thing I was trying to do was look for where there were little clumps of mess around the house and try to figure out what I could put there to help solve it: garbage? laundry basket? shelf? I suppose they still might throw the dirty laundry on the floor next to the laundry basket but I feel like they will follow the easy solution as long as it is already there. I could be wrong though. And they might not follow the lists exactly, but at least no one can say they don't know where to start. I think the biggest part is just trying to get some buy-in from the 2 teens that helping to clean house is not optional but just part of being alive. If my husband just tells them "Help me clean up." it will be too vague. If he hands them a list, even if they only do the first few items, it will be an improvement. Still need to finish my making my Saturday lists though. I am currently trying to apply to a bunch of jobs in the area so that when my teaching contract is done in June, I can move right into my next job out here in the same city as my husband. I am so stressed out, I have worked for the same company for the last 18 years...... .. probably why I am cleaning things instead of sending out resumes..... I hate job hunting.