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Indigo Blue

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About Indigo Blue

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    Hive Mind Queen Bee
  • Birthday 01/19/1964

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    North Carolina
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    cycling, hiking

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  1. I wouldn’t change much about my life if I could do it all over. I used to regret not being encouraged or supported in attending college. My life would have taken a different path, and I probably wouldn’t have landed where I am now. But I am glad I landed where I did. I have been lucky to have been able to stay home with my sons, having homeschooled one (who desperately wanted to) through high school. That has meant so much to me. One thing that I WOULD love to go back again to do differently is handling some abusive situations in my early years, twenties, and beyond differently. Standing up for myself as a young woman and mother and demanding to never be talked to or treated that way ever again or having someone I cared about to be talked to or treated badly. I wish that I could back then have possessed the insight and growth I do now so that I would not be the vulnerable person that I was then. It would be great to have a redo and have the courage to stand up and say don’t EVER hit me again.
  2. Rosie, I love this post so much.
  3. Dh is pretty isolated during the day while working (essential), but after hours he has a lot of requests for non-emergency and minor repairs that require going into homes that are occupied. I don't think it's a good time to be going inside other people's homes. Dh, I think, feels this way also, but he is the type of person that has a hard time saying no, especially to friends. He has told a few people that he just isn't able to do their work any time soon. He's trying, but I really am floored by the number of people calling and expecting him to come out as if there really weren't anything wrong at all. There are lots of folks around us doing the same, and I just don't get it. I really hope dh continues turning down these jobs until the end of the month at least, and see how things are going then. I just wanted to post and say I'm floored. And, yes, I know that if dh does these things, he's being 100 percent irresponsible. I'm so stressed over this.
  4. These are the most sturdy you can get. You can choose the size based on the breed of your dog, and you can also choose how tough/dense it is. There are puppy ones and there are ones for older dogs, etc. I would start with a puppy one that is large enough for your puppy and see how that goes. The black ones are the toughest, made for adult aggressive chewers. You can also get simple plain round balls that are not stuffable. Your puppy might like that one, too. Hope this helps. 🙂
  5. I don't have an intelligent, insightful opinion here. Wish I did. I'll just state the obvious and say that's it's all just a huge way to make money. All of it. Football, the commercials, and the halftime show. It's meant to be polarizing because it attracts the attention and makes the money they want. It's all intentional and is always going to be this way. It's very off-putting to me, but so many enjoy it immensely and even worship it. Not for me. I'm so glad my two boys aren't into football that much. Dh is, so I have to learn to live in harmony and peace with that. The Daytona 500 is this weekend. Thank goodness! I'm not a race fan, either, but it means football is over and racing seems to be so much more under the radar and noncontroversial. For me, hearing the sounds of the cars going round and round the track just means it's almost warm weather and time for the smell of freshly-cut grass and flowers blooming. Yes.
  6. I'm not opposed to name tags, although the idea of it gives me a slightly weird vibe. But my southern baptist church has come up with lots of ideas. Some are good and some a little, well, not good in my opinion. Someone decided it was a good idea to chop down all the stately ornamental shrubs and small trees that had been part of the landscape for so many years. Now there are little ugly nubs of hardly thriving greenery dotted here and there and it changed the whole look of things. This isn't important in the grand scheme of things, though........just saying sometimes someone says, hey let's do this, and it isn't always a good idea. I relate to you, Wendy and Milo, when you say that some people feel the way they do because of their recent past experiences, especially trauma. I'm not opposed to name tags per se, but it would personally make me uncomfortable. As someone who has had trauma in the past (and some more recent, including very bad experiences at church), let me just say that this definitely can shape who you are, the way you think, and how guarded you need to be. There will be others who haven't experienced trauma to this extent in their life and are happily engaging with others and loving every aspect of fellowship with others be it in church or otherwise. People who have been though trauma are more vulnerable to ongoing abusive treatment from others. That's just how it is. It happens over and over because an abused person just doesn't know how to assert themselves in a way that averts this. There comes a time and age where you might have a light bulb moment and say: this is enough. And you want to protect yourself from others and from yourself, too. It's sad, but for some it's just the way it is. One understanding person could make all the difference, but in our society we are put off by people who overshare. We just like to say hi, how are you. So I don't think a person is necessarily selfish, eccentric, or being unloving in their church body. They are just living with their reality and coping. These are the ones who need more patience and understanding, in my opinion. So, I'm not against name tags in general. But I just would not be comfortable being handed a basket with stickers and expected to wear one. It would just make it weird and I might take it and say thank you but not stick it on at all. I like to get to know people one on one and go inch wide, mile deep. Stickers are, to me, mile wide, inch deep. It feels like "wear this and conform". Everything inside me at this point in my life just says, "after all the experiences in my life, I want to be in control. I don't have to conform. No matter how seemingly eccentric, I want to be the one who decides where and how high my walls and boundaries are. I also don't expect others to understand nor behave as I do. I'm just trying to explain a bit further what it's like to be someone who feels this way and is shaped this way because of the past (and not so recent past).
  7. The original question was why do women (mean girls) choose to be mean rather than support each other. The OP is hurt that her sister is being treated badly and she is wondering why we do these things to each other. I’ve lived in the South all my life and I think most of the assertions made in this thread are unfair, sadly. To simply wonder why we are so often mean to each other is the million dollar question. The world would be a better place if we could figure that out.
  8. Do you just want people to socialize with at church? Or do you want them to become friends that you do things with outside of church? What would happen if some of the ladies wanted to do things and were calling often? Do you find that you become overwhelmed with too much social interaction? I do. I used to feel that I wanted these things and sad that it just wasn't that way. But every time I got to ladies night out, I just wanted to be back at home again. I love people and socializing, but only for a little bit. I've just realized that it's not easy with my personality type to keep the friendship going, so it just kind of flops. Sometimes. At 55, it's just easier to accept it than fight it. When I want to socialize, it's quickly tiring. Then I don't want to for awhile. Then later, may I want to again. For extroverts, they seem to love it ALL the time. This is just a cycle that makes it hard for introverts to stay engaged. People don't flock to me anyway, since I'm introverted, so connecting with someone is more rare. The good thing is, when you find someone a lot like yourself, you can have a meaningful friendship.
  9. Wow, caedmyn. I could have written your (well, most of it) post. I have had similar experiences at church, and I've been going there since dh and I met. He is the church extrovert and a "do it all" type of person at church. I've had my "I've learned my lesson about doing this and that" experiences, and I've just being hanging back, as you say. Dh doesn't attend Sunday school and instead works in the financial office. So I have stopped going to Sunday school, because I finally admitted to myself how uncomfortable it was in there year after year in a couples class siting by myself. I found myself running late a lot and having to walk in alone, with every person looking up as I entered. Excruciating. I realized that I had made a decision to hang back, and that I was experiencing a bit more isolation as a result. This resulted in a bit more sadness and not realizing that I should not be so surprised because isolating yourself causes more isolation. But when you feel like the one standing aside while others are talking (I so understand how this is), it becomes easier and more comfortable to isolate. My children are launched, so I really do feel alone at church. You still have your children there, which is wonderful. One thing I notice is that others will look at dh more than me during conversation, even though I try to listen so attentively. But it is a struggle. One day I just decided that I needed to either dive in, change churches, or accept how things are. I chose to accept how things are. I'm not advising you to do this. This is just what I resigned myself to. But I also decided not to be unhappy about it. You have a finite number of days to live. Live them with all the happiness you can. Each time you are sitting with your children at the small table alone, just take joy in that you get to spend this wonderful day with them. Laugh and talk with them and pretend no one else is in the room. Here is another new revelation of mine: Some outgoing people have their own social needs and will naturally gravitate toward certain types of personalities so that THEY themselves can fill their own social needs "tank". There are those of us who are more deep thinking, philosopher type folk who don't fill the needs of those who thrive on that tank-filling small talk and chit chat. They don't thrive on or want deep conversation. Just realize you ARE different, but that it's not a bad thing. At all. Accept who you are. Enjoy your alone time. Listen to music and laugh with your family. Walk in the woods. Sit by a lake. Socialize when YOU feel like it. If you don't, then don't. Don't think of it as "these people just don't want to be friends with me". Think of it as "who do I think would be a good fit to invite into MY life?" Be super discerning and pick your few friends carefully. They don't have to be from church. But you already have your family and a few good friends. That's awesome. I don't know if you will ever be able to change how things are for you. I don't think I can. But I've decided to be happy whether I'm at home with my cat or out with people ...even if kind of alone in the crowd. Above all, enjoy those who do care for you and focus your time and energy on them. Accept that you have an introverted nature and live accordingly with happiness. All of the above applies only if your just a little down on yourself and not seriously depressed. If you are, please find someone to help.
  10. Exactly the same for me. This is the sort of demeanor that, especially around the right age group, can end with that person being targeted.
  11. I just want to say here that I hope I haven't said anything offensive to anyone reading these posts who may be on the spectrum. If I have, it certainly wasn't intentional.
  12. So you have two children on the spectrum, plus yourself? You are another example of someone with a child who grows up without a parent really "seeing" these things. So, I know it really is possible for it to be this way. It doesn't have to be blatantly obvious that there is something different.
  13. Just this morning I took my cat to the vet and the first thing I did was look up at the ceiling at the placement of the vets so I could sit somewhere where there was NO air on me. I don't like the feel of air vents blowing on me at all. I noticed the girl at the desk had one right over her head. I thought to myself that there is no way I could sit there all day under that vent and work. Every time I walk in there, I try to be inconspicuous about staring at the ceiling and circling weirdly around the room. There are a zillion "little things" where I just catch myself being really annoyed, but I have to keep it hidden. For one, the football game where the guys were yacking and I couldn't hear the band. Once dh asked me a question which required a response at the exact same time he pressed play on the answering machine messages. The messages started blaring out and I began to try to answer him at the same time. I wanted to pull my hair out, but I nicely asked him not to do that again. Lots of times ds will start talking about a topic and it's so interesting. I'll ask something related, and he'll start to answer. Dh will interrupt and go off in left field somewhere. It feels SO frustrating that the conversation just took a sharp left and went off into the woods. I want to keep talking about the deep thing we were talking about. Dh watches lots of loud movies with women screaming and men fighting and shooting. It is SO unsettling for me. Really, intolerable. I haven't figured out how to cope with that. He can be a noisy person in general. That's just who he is. Nothing will change this, so I just try to let that be. Ds and I had a discussion about eye contact. He told me he has a strategy (didn't know he'd given it that much consideration) . He looks at people's noses. He says you can't tell someone is not looking at your eyes when you do this. I don't know if that's true, but that's what he does. I look off just to the right of someone's face if I'm talking so I can think about what I need to say. Looking at someone's eyes majorly throws off the whole thought process. I simply can not pretend to like someone after they have done something rude or awful to me or someone I care about. (Not petty stuff you just overlook and forget, but really not nice things) I see people do this all the time. I don't understand why anyone would do this. I honestly can't do that. I don't like to lie or be lied to. I am capable of telling a lie, but I'm very uncomfortable with that.
  14. This is how I feel, Quill. It all started with finally realizing some things about ds. It didn't start out with me at all. I don't SEEM to have any difficulties that would warrant a diagnosis, but it's astounding that I keep trying to read about ds and find myself going oh my gosh..... I wouldn't even say I'm worried about it. If it came to be for ds, I'd be fine with that as long as he is happy. He would be, too. I was thinking today about how things were for me in kindergarten, then elementary, middle, and high school. One common thread is that it's always been like a person staring into a fish tank. They are in there and you are out there observing. I have no memory of interacting with other kids when VERY young. None. Like, first grade, kindergarten. I do have memories, but I'm just observing and not interacting. It is hard to explain. Weirdly, I have memories of being fascinated by the large crayons with the one flat side. They smelled a certain way. And the plastic containers of thick paste. And glitter. On the playground I have one memory of a boy who always tried to sit on me. These kids were just there, but I was not a part of them. I have one memory of being in kindergarten and thinking about the black kitten we had at home. My memory is spending the entire day just thinking of going home to be with my kitten. I have memories of being at home (age 6 or so) in my room. Just taking out each toy one by one, leaving the whole floor covered in toys, and then putting them back one by one. I was fanatically obsessed with the color yellow and ducks. I drew them and colored them yellow, then cut tons of them out of paper and arranged them in a small doll crib. I can remember this stuff but I don't have a memory of interacting with anyone in school then, even though I remember the school. The room, the sidewalk, the playground. Only just being outside looking in the fish tank. But I wasn't lonely or unhappy at all. That's just the way it was. There is more awareness in 3rd through 5th grade, but still not much interaction. And I just did weird things that I have now learned not to do. And ds, goodness, he could hardly be in school at all. He didn't exactly fit in, but he wasn't bullied by students for the most part. He was targeted by a teacher. He hated being in school each and every day and often imagined escaping from the playground and walking home. Then, I just thought, well, he's so much like me and I understand how he feels. There was no reason not to bring him home, so we eventually did. He tells me now as an adult how he used to feel back then because he can articulate it better. I think considering the things I noticed in him as a toddler (that I brushed off), it's not surprising that he felt this way, To me, he was just a fussy toddler who turned into a sensitive, young boy who wanted to school at home. Thought nothing of it.
  15. Hi! I have the same problem and I think I've posted before about it. I finally found a vet that had a built-in dog groomer and they agreed to sedate her and have the dog groomer do her best to giver her a lion cut. This was needed (or so I thought at the time) because she was always coughing up hairballs, and she wouldn't tolerate being brushed at all. With her hair being so closely shaved, she licked herself raw to the point of bleeding in some places. Later, at a routine visit to her original vet, he finally discovered that she has bad allergies. After lots of trial and error with food, we finally concluded it was not food. She just has environmental allergies and needs to get a shot every four to six weeks for the rest of her life. Turns out, all the hairballs (and raw skin with lion cut) were all from overgrooming BECAUSE of her allergies. She only has them now when her shot begins to wear off. She will not let me brush her. She's a beautiful Persian that we rescued. I hate that she has to get those shots, but she is getting much relief from those frequent hairballs. So now, sedated grooming is not needed for her because she really doesn't have a problem with mats for some strange reason, even though she rarely gets brushed. I'm glad you found someone to help her. I think the mats can hurt because they can pull their skin when they are so tightly wound up close to the skin. Boy, this type of thing really is a problem because vets don't groom so they won't sedate, and groomers don't sedate.
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