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Rosika

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Everything posted by Rosika

  1. As I get older, I get more reflective about past relationships. Some of them I was too quick to let go. Some I was right to let go, but suppressed the grief and all it takes is one reminder decades later for that grief to finally come to surface - a song or movie, old letters. It looks like that's what you're dealing with. Hugs, friend. It's a weird feeling, or at least for me it was difficult to express the different emotions I felt. I've come to realize that some of my most meaningful relationships are the ones that didn't last "forever" as I thought they would. They were important friendships during various seasons of life, and I wouldn't trade them for all the hurt in the world. I'm grateful for them. It helped me to come to peace with the past by actively grieving the loss of friendship. And then by realizing that they weren't necessarily meant to last forever. I chalked it up to the universe, God, the stars, or coincidence putting us in each other's lives for the time we were meant to be beneficial for each other. I don't have an explanation why those friendships had to end hurtfully, rather than just drifting apart, so I try not to focus on that. I'll never know that.
  2. I'm so relieved for you that the mom is totally on the same page. We've met families (also through sports, so they do sort of become like family to you) that were worried about younger kids feeling left out. For the record, I'm okay if younger kids feel left out. Side rant: Where I'm from there is less ... protection from feelings when it comes to kids. Kids feel what they feel and we process the feelings; we don't avoid uncomfortable situations and expect kids to wake up at 18 to be fully emotionally aware and functional adults. You could head off the younger daughter's request when you invite the older daughter. Something like, "Oh, not this time. Little Amy and I have plans while Big Amy and Big Sister are playing." Then make up something, like baking or sewing or reading or laundry if the girl presses. The girl's mom has your back, so it's all good. But maybe to appease her you can invite the entire family (or just all of the girls) for a short, firm time and task-based play date. The more boring or hands-on, the better (even though those sound like opposites LOL). Make it something that will kill the illusion she has of how much fun it is to play at your house (raking leaves) or something that will keep her too busy to get into trouble (decorating cookies). Then when she asks in the future to come over again, you can say we're not raking leaves yet but I'll let you know ... or well, remember last time you were running around the house instead of decorating with us? Maybe we'll try again some other time, I'll let you know next time I'm doing cookies. (She may say cookies are boring and never ask again. I had a friend's daughter who went from begging to play at my house to never wanting to come over at all because sitting and cookie decorating wasn't interesting to her.)
  3. We have a very large extended family, so holidays are what marbel described as "open house" come-and-go events. The core families stay all day, but those with other family (or work!) obligations are free to drop in whenever they can. Lunch has a designated start time, and food is kept out for a while. It's eventually packed up and put up, but everyone knows to help themselves to whatever they want long into the night. We'd have fixed him a (heaping) plate after everyone present had a first run, but before anyone went back for seconds. It's all very relaxed and casual. This is 2017. She should have called, texted, Face Timed, Face Booked, sent a 'gram, or something ... to let him know that all she was able to scrounge up for him was a puppy's serving of food. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, like maybe she didn't realize that the meal was going to be more formal ... or maybe the hostess was new to big holidays and underestimated food amounts ... things happen ... but I feel like he was blindsided. I would have hated to be put in his position, and in HER's I'd have felt that I owed my boyfriend a head's up. The man had to be hungry, coming home from work!
  4. Rosika

    Grieving

    :( How heartbreaking for everyone who knew her. Grieving is so difficult, but the shock and surprise on top of that have to feel incredibly overwhelming.
  5. Adding: My kids have all had generally healthy, good relationships and were open with me - very happy to share, to seek advice, etc. I do come from a perspective that it "takes a village" so I encouraged my kids to seek advice also from people we knew and trusted: siblings, extended family, long-time adult friends. So far each of my sons has done so. I generally trust these people to know my perspective and to respect it in mentoring my children. For instance, as Catholics the issue of pre-marital sex, birth control, putting oneself in a "scandal" type situation, etc. have come up. These are also topics we discussed over the years in various capacities as a family, as a school, and as catechizing. For kids under 17, I've found it helpful to become friendly with the boy/girlfriend's family. We don't have to become besties, but at minimum I like to have their contact information and for them to have mine. I have one son where this was especially helpful. He and their daughter became overly engrossed in each other's world, to the exclusion of other interests. The parents and I shared concerns and worked together to come up with a plan we could both live with - one which would allow the kids to maintain their relationship (which we all support) without allowing them to give up other extracurriculars and outside relationships. As a team we presented our "rules" to the kids, and were able to enforce it. This relationship is still going strong over a year later, despite the added restrictions (which have loosened over time as they came to better manage their commitments on their own.)
  6. I didn't have a hard, fast rule. I don't like those, generally speaking, because I feel like they lock me in. Instead, and because my kids have very different personalities, I went the route of "general expectations" rather than rules: 1. You can generally expect to date when you manage your responsibilities at home: school, chores, family. 2. You can generally expect to date in a group until you're a licensed driver. Not him or her; YOU. 3. You can generally expect to date one-on-one when you can afford it (i.e., work does not interfere with #1.) 4. You can generally expect to date in public - no 1:1 at our home, their home, cars, etc. until adulthood. Some family culture expectations: 1. You can call yourself boy/girlfriend, but I can call myself Santa Claus. Doesn't necessarily mean something. 2. It's okay to just "date" rather than call them all boy/girlfriend. Discern the relationship, don't dive head in. 3. Theology of the Body is incorporated into schoolwork, once in grades 7-8 and again in grades 10-11. 4. 'Dates' are welcome to hang out with the family. 'Boy/girlfriends' are expected to, to some extent. What worked out well: 1. Having solid parent/child and sibling relationships ahead of time. Pretty much everything Diana P. wrote. :wub: 2. Being open to adjusting rules in the child's favor, if he proved responsible and trustworthy. :patriot: 3. Trying to plant seeds well ahead of any relationship red flags. Television, books, friends and family ... these all provided opportunities for us to identify, discuss, hypothesize, and debate. We saw good examples, poor examples, and REAL examples. I wanted to dispel the fairy tale, to demonstrate healthy vs. unhealthy, and to show the reality that relationships can be WORK. :svengo: What I learned the hard way, and "did over" with subsequent children: See #2 above. I learned to have general expectations but to treat each child as an individual. I had one who matured early and was generally compliant. He wouldn't advocate for what he believed he deserved, and I was happy to go with the status quo. His brother (who is not compliant or "easy") is the one who fought me about what they both saw as an injustice. I also learned not to voice an unsolicited opinion about the person someone is dating. I won't lie if asked, but ... yeah, I only made that mistake once. So now you don't have to. :o
  7. Six kids, but the sixth is a caboose. When I had five kids we had a Honda Pilot. It was great when I had multiples in car seats, then again as everyone got older and taller (the rear seat was the roomiest on the market at the time and fit my teen boys comfortably enough.) Once the older two got drivers' licenses, I downsized to an Acura MDX. I could still fit all of the kids, on the rare occasion we all needed to ride together. But it was an upgraded ride for our more regular trips, which were usually me plus 2-4 kids (no need for the back row.) Now with the sixth baby, I'm considering downsizing to a sedan. My four older kids all have their own cars, and prefer to drive themselves/each other. If we're all going out to eat, we just take two cars. The only other place we all go together is to Mass, and any given week one of the kids has a volunteer duty (serving, greeting, adoration) so one car usually leaves 45 minutes early. My car always pushes it to the last possible minute (and blames it on the baby!) :blush:
  8. Bunk beds won't work, but will a twin daybed with trundle work for the two boys? That would give them space to play during the day, and motivation to pick up in the evenings. Or that plus a regular twin bed for all three boys in there? Is there a more space-conscious high chair you can buy? I have the Graco Small Spaces one, and it folds down small enough to shove out of the way during the day. I fit mine into the pantry, a friend puts hers between the wall and stove. It has other features I don't love, like it doesn't roll around the kitchen super easily (wheels on only two points, not all four) but I can still maneuver it around and the compactness was my primary issue. Daughter gets to keep her own room, but it becomes a storage area, too. You'll be the one in there the most storing off-season clothing, extra clothes, toy rotations, living room books, homeschool supplies, anything not in daily use. I do really think the solution offered about her sharing with the baby is a good one (with your room becoming storage instead), but not everyone is comfortable with that type of arrangement. Your room might become the de facto boys' closet. Keep one dresser in their room, split between the two boys' clothing. Overflow goes into the second dresser, which is now in your room. Books and school stuff might also need to go in there. I'm with the poster who said this may be the mental push DH needs to get on board with giving up the master. It's a hard mental leap to make, but it really is the most practical solution. Work on him! Y'all can still use the bathroom and closets, it's just the bedroom that the boys need - three beds (baby, too), all their clothes, and their toys. The idea to reverse the dining table and living room area is a good one, too. We lived in a few homes that had tiny eat in kitchens. Our table needed to seat 8 so those were the homes where we kept the table in the living room (I hated to eat on carpet, but what can I do) and turned the eat-in area into a small den - sofa, coffee table, a few toys ... a desk might work there, too, depending on the layout. I've also had homes where we ate on an old ping pong table because it folded up out of the way. We had to use a sheet as a table cloth. Our shirts kept getting caught on the edging and would get roughed up. So many sweaters ruined! I can laugh now but I cried back then. It worked, and it was only one season of life. :grouphug:
  9. Reading about that cast iron felt like a punch to my gut. :crying:
  10. We suffer from TMI over here. Anything there is to know we share, either directly or indirectly. Most of what is none of our business is still shared, directly or indirectly! LOL We're a family of talkers, over-sharers, and we process things by talking it out. My entire family does this, not just my small little family. I can't think of any health issue my kid had that I'd feel comfortable keeping from him. But I can't say for sure, having never been there. We didn't tell my husband's grandmother when she developed breast cancer because she was already suffering from Alzheimer's and they didn't plan to treat her cancer. I felt very yucky about that decision, and I don't know if I'd make the same one for someone in my own family. But I went along with it. We didn't tell the kids. I think my oldest two knew just because they were teenagers and better at eavesdropping on late night adult conversations. I can't think of any health issue of my own that I'd keep from my kids, but again I can't say for sure. I would tell my older kids if I suspected something (say, waiting for biopsy report or something) because none of them have anxiety issues and I'd really want their support. On second thought, in a situation like that I may not tell a child who didn't live locally (there's nothing they can do, so I feel like it'd cause more problems for them than I'd get in support. The trade-off may not be worth it.) My ex-husband has addiction issues in his family tree. It's affected his choices as an adult, so it's good he knew. We're open with our kids about issues like that, and of mental issues (including depression.) We hope the knowledge will lead to them understanding certain family "things" and to make informed choices of their own.
  11. matching/coordinating shirts or pajamas :lol: electric keyboard karaoke machine indoor/outdoor hanging nest Swurfer swing or web swing nice walkie talkies projector - you can screen movies on a wall or sheet outside zipline metal detector bocce ball set several board games a DVD for each person roku/apple tv ... with a yr of Netflix :001_tt1: go pro chocolate fountain (w/ chocolate) ice cream maker movie passes/gift cards
  12. One of my favorite winter recipes is cabbage rolls. Ingredients are not expensive or exotic (sauerkraut, cabbage, rice, onion, ground meat, typical spices) and is very hearty. It can be time consuming to make, but is a great bonding time in the kitchen. Or you can do like me and prepare them in front of a movie :) These freeze very well so making a double batch is a great idea. Look up recipes for sarma or sarmale.
  13. I'm so glad someone asked. I've noticed this feature on my oven, but have never used it. It seemed like a trick or something, too good to be true! :lol: This thread has been so informative! I kind of want to try it now, but I'm still scared. I have no idea why. I'm glad for the story about the gummy bears because now I know to clean out the cupboard above the oven should I decide to try this!
  14. I've been on both sides of this. I had four boys in six years. Three were "easy" to have park days and play dates with. One was called the Tasmanian Devil by one mom (I think the "Tasmanian" was added later, for the benefit of my ears) and jokingly called "Good God" by his brothers because another mom used to always mutter that whenever my son got out of the car, or did anything she perceived to be unruly (and she disliked him so much that she thought everything he did was unruly.) It was very difficult. Some moms used to invite three of the boys to parties, and specifically leave my "not easy" son out. He's #3 so it was never as easy as explaining that he was too young (since his younger brother was always included in the invitation.) I had many friends who had daughters only, or older daughters with younger boys. Stereotypes being what they are, there is something to be said for the differences many people experience in parenting girls v. boys. And as pointed out in other posts, some of this might be due to social or family expectations of those differences. These expectations then affect how one parents, and again how one sees other people parenting. Maybe her expectations would change if her boys had a sister in the mix. Maybe the OP's expectations would change if she had a son in the mix. Who knows. My #3 grew up and will soon graduate high school. He's still a handful. Somehow he has an attitude of entitlement, but he's now willing to work to earn the things he feels he deserves (newer car, expensive phone). He still comes to park day, but now instead of sitting in on the moms conversations he helps keep the younger kids away from the moms - he swings them, chases them, plays soccer with them. (But okay, once the little kids are going he still does try to sit down and chat with the moms. I gave up, and they don't care now that he's giving us a chunk of kid-free time by playing with the kids LOL) He's still cocky/overly sure of himself but it's given him an "in" in local politics, which is quickly becoming a passion of his. The "Good God" mom had to break contact with us for many years because of this son. She left our park group and refused to join field trips if we had signed up. She had one well-behaved, sweet girl the same age as this son. When that girl turned 12, this mom adopted a newborn. This newborn grew into the female version of my son. She called me up, apologized, and said karma was indeed a bitch! Her older daughter still hates my son, but the mom and I have regained our friendship. My son is one of two babysitters she can trust with her youngest daughter, and the one her daughter prefers. I never would have guessed this could happen so many years ago. I have another friend who is very dear to me. We had been friends for a few years when she had twins (kids #4 and 5) the same year I had my daughter (#5). My sweet, naive daughter, the one I deserved after years of managing her one brother. Her older three were/are easy going, mellow kids. Her twins set her world afire. Also, literal fire. They started two fires before they turned 5, and they're the reason she started to home school. For 3-4 years we had to meet without her kids. For another 3-4 years I could do limited park days with them. I had to really mentally prep myself and take the whole next day off from school. LOL But I needed her, and more importantly she needed US. My daughter liked the twins, but hated when they came to park day. Sometimes at park day my friend just needed a break. Like, she was breaking mentally and the park was her main respite. She'd manage their behavior as best she could but she had to let some things go (for her own sanity) and to let some things wait (out of the public's eyes). The latter is because she saw what happened to my son when he was disciplined in public (even if pulled to the side.) The kids picked up on it and would then instigate more trouble, which he was always too weak and impulsive to resist obliging. Also, my kid would sit and take the discipline even in public. Her twins would have escalated the situation for the audience. I don't know if this any of this is true for your friend, just throwing it out there. If you have to take a break from your friend, do it. But don't give up on the friendship. Put it on pause. Put it on a shelf, and dust it off every chance you get to meet without kids - few and far between as that might be. Kids change - some for the better, some for the worse - but I think they deserve the benefit of the doubt. Mentally commit to having her over once per quarter with the kids. That's reasonable and doable, and hopefully you'll have added chances to meet Moms Only in between those quarterly visits. I like the suggestion about babysitting her kids. I bet if you took the older one for a bit, a few times, and taught him what you expect in your house, he'd be better. He'd still push when his mom was there, but in his eyes you'd have a new place of semi-authority (and especially if you're meeting in your home.) That's asking a lot of you, though. I don't know that I could do it, even if I really wanted to. I hope you guys figure this out!
  15. I second the dryer sheet with a super light touch :) I've never heard of the Static Guard, but I think it might work even better. Especially on a brush. I'm going to see if that will work for my daughter. She has thin hair and in the winter when we have the heat up, her hair gets really affected by static.
  16. It's okay to read the Cliff's Notes so you have enough "cultural literacy" to get references to things ... but stick to the summary. Interpretations differ, change, and really may not be the same take away that you have yourself. Read the books if you can, but don't let the classics be unfamiliar to you. References abound, even in pop culture. Pay attention to people you think are doing it all wrong. They'll teach you more than people who you think are doing it all right. You learn more through poor examples because you see what not to do. Learning through great examples is inspiring but limits you to one possible solution. There's a lesson to be learned from everyone you encounter! The key to happiness: speak, act, and do so that you can look yourself in the mirror each night and know you said, performed, and did your best. It may not have been popular, done well or correctly, or easy ... but you'll sleep soundly knowing you were able to look yourself in the eye and know you did your best that day. It's about not hiding from yourself or fooling yourself. It's not about being perfect, but about being/doing/trying your best. Don't assume everyone in the room shares your (political, theological, social, etc. etc. etc.) views. This is especially true if the people remain silent, or allow you to rant carry the bulk of a conversation. If you don't know someone's views or affiliations, best to assume they're different from yours and to gear any conversation accordingly. The default for anything, except maybe college football, should be to assume a difference of opinion. It's not okay to switch their roll to the "correct way" if you're a guest in their home. And, if the roll happens to be resting on top of the roll holder or on the back of the toilet, leave it! Because that's how they want it TYVM; they're neither lazy nor incapable, they just don't want it on the roll!!! :blush: :001_unsure: Lesson: People are weird about their toilet paper. And that one should go in writing somewhere.
  17. I assign a Senior Thesis Project. My goal is to tie together everything they've learned in their progym, theology, and logic/rhetoric studies PLUS to add in a standard school research paper assignment. I want them to have at least one complete run through of that before they hit college. I give them the entire year to complete it, but I only count it as a semester credit. They're allowed to pick any topic of interest, subject to my approval (of the topic, not of the thesis.) I give them benchmarks to attain throughout the year, and these are graded. By October I need a working thesis topic and the name of a mentor to help them with the subject (not the assignment.) By November I need four academic sources, marked up. By December I need two theological sources and Bible/CCC support sources, marked up. By January I need a rough outline. By February, a final outline. By March the paper is due. It should be 10-15 pages plus Works Cited. By April I need the name of who they're inviting to sit on their panel, and confirmation that each panelist has received a copy of the academic paper. Other panelists are me (representing school), their mentor (representing academic expert of their topic), priest/deacon/church adult (representing theological expert), and an adult of their choice (e.g., grandparent, scout leader, friend's parent, aunt/uncle, etc.) In May they defend their thesis. PowerPoint is mandatory. Dressing up is mandatory. Presentations aren't timed, but should be at least 10-15 minutes. Following that, each panelist asks one question which the student will answer/defend. Each panelist grades the student on two things: (1) the panelist's expert contribution area (i.e., the priest grades on the thesis' theological aspects), and (2) overall presentation. Final grade is the average of all four panelists' grades, my grading of the academic paper, and the daily grades from benchmark assignments. So far, the progym has done a great job of preparing them to write the research papers. It's the technical stuff that they've needed help with, like MLA/APA styling and time management/organization for long-term projects!!! *This year my student chose: Capitalism is the superior economic system. I didn't grow up under this model and am not sure I agree, so I'm looking forward to his defense! He'll have to argue it from an academic perspective and a moral perspective (theology). His mentor is the economics teacher at a local private school his friend attends.
  18. It works here!! The only tip I have is probably kid specific, but I'll share it anyway. I used to want them to come home from practice ... shower while I made lunch ... eat, then do school. That proved to be too much time between exercise and school to be of significant benefit. What we do now is come home from practice ... eat a quick lunch (15-20 min.) ... school ... then shower once school is done.
  19. This is exactly how I store mine, and for exactly the same reason. :)
  20. Karaoke machine with some CDs one of those giant outdoor swings? My neighbors just got one made of netting. It's a huge disk and lots of fun. hammock papasan chair do they make radios for the ipad mini? The kind you stick into a radio/alarm looking thing and it plays your iTunes music? walkie talkies charm bracelet nice headphones
  21. Well in this house we always need underwear and socks. These are a given every Christmas! (I think it's okay, and maybe even necessary most years, for the categories to overlap. A "need" might also be a "wear" IYKWIM. I think the rhyme is more for the buyer. It's not like the kids are going to open the gifts and categorize it. Although now that I type that, I do have one kid who I can totally see saying, "Hey, Ma, are these socks my WEAR or my NEED?!" and truly needing to know. Sigh.)
  22. My daughter isn't much older. The past few years she's received: a sewing machine, a nice messenger bag, "real" kitchen bake ware, a fluffy monogrammed robe and slippers (that's better for the year she starts her cycle, maybe?), a drone, and new bedroom decor (curtains, duvet, etc.) I love the idea of a concert. This is a great age to start going to concerts :) That'd be a great gift from the grandparents! To have something to open, they can give her a band tee or CD or poster.
  23. I don't pre-read so I don't know how close these are in genre and/or what to watch out for in terms of themes. My boys loved that series when they were younger. They also enjoyed: Eragon - don't know the series name (two boys liked it, one thought it was ok, one hated it) Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel series - The Alchemyst is #1 (all loved it) Mysterious Benedict Society series (all loved it) My daughter (12) also read the series and liked it. She also enjoys: Warrior Cats series Redwall series ... and she's just starting the Hobbit, and loves it so far
  24. This is so true. I did fine with my older kids. I was younger back then, and they're so close in age that their puberty hit like a hurricane - hard and fast, and then it was over. It felt like most of our time was spent assessing damage and re-building. In hindsight it feels like a blur, kind of like when they were all potty-training. My little one is just starting puberty. She was a complete monster for the year prior to her first cycle. She's my first girl and I didn't know this was normal. I thought she was possessed. Each time she'd get a crazy look in her eye, I braced myself for a waterfall of green vomit and her head spinning circles. I was pregnant at the time, and then postpartum, so I was a huge mess of uncontrolled hormones myself. We're lucky her brothers were around, especially that first year postpartum. They'd hug whichever of us was emotionally wounded, talk down whichever of us was gunning for a fight, and basically just referee and pick up the pieces. They deserve medals. I had a big problem with getting flushed and staying hot for hours. It doesn't help that everyone in this house thinks the thermostat at 74 = freezing. When I'm home alone I turn it down to 65, and I could go lower but am trying to not spend my entire retirement on next month's a/c bill. We compromise on a daily temp of 70, and it irritates me that they walk around all dramatic in sweaters and blankets while I'm still dying of heat in a tank top and thin cotton skirt! My hormones have become more stable, and hers are getting there. But I am peri-menopausal, and I fear for our future when there are no more older brothers at home to run interference. For now she and I just lay it all out: "both of us are trying to gain control of these floods of hormones" and we consciously try to give each other more grace. My normal relaxation technique was to take a hot shower or bath, even mid-day. I can't do that right now because I'll run internally hot for hours. I can barely stand to take my normal shower/bath (I like them super hot. I can't do lukewarm or cool.) I had to find a new strategy. Walking has helped a lot! We walk to Sonic and treat ourselves to something sweet on really bad days. Most days we walk around the neighborhood or the park. It's a good break to our day, a nice way to connect during our hormonal lulls, and I really do think the exercise helps regulate whatever is going on in our bodies. I always order a Sonic ice water. Sipping it throughout the day, and then chewing the ice helps keep my internal body temp a bit lower. It makes me more pleasant to be around. I really just don't do the overheating thing very gracefully. I like the suggestion above to give myself and my daughter permission to have days where we just roll with the hormones instead of trying to power through them. I need to work on not seeing it as a weakness, and to realize that my mental health and our relationships are more important - and maybe worth being a little "weak" over.
  25. Sarah Jane Sarah Louise Sarah Nicole Sarah Victoria Isaac James Isaac William Isaac Gabriel Isaac Benjamin
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