Well my teen said they didn't sleep well and apologized for being tired and cranky and told me they loved me. So I am feeling a bit better. I explained I was at a breaking point with stress and it wasn't all their fault. Just the straw that broke the camel's back. I guess we are all good now and my husband is taking me to Mexican for lunch after her drops the kids off at their friends. I can't have that drink though, because I have to work. Maybe another day... I don't know how to work in more time for self care in 2019 but I am going to ponder it while I take care of everyone else the next few days.

I thought about going to the local Catholic church for the Spanish mass. No one knows me there and less likely I will have to make small talk. Although they may REALLY wonder who the sobbing white lady is and what her problem is, lol...

I do enjoy Christmas and have tried to simplify things. It's just that work is so busy during that time it makes the whole season stressful. And my kids have been enjoying a nice break from school but I have not actually gotten a break yet and we are about to start back. I feel like everyone had a great Christmas and break but me, and even that would be ok if there was a little less teenager grump and a bit more gratitude. They are just at the age where it is all about them and they don't see me. I remember what that time was like. My poor mother probably does too!

((Freesia))

Yeah it's way too easy to slip into the martyr role, especially because I am naturally a giver. But I know better than to keep giving without recharging my batteries. I have learned this lesson before, yet here I am at the end of my rope. Sometimes it just seems like there is no actual physical time in my life for me. I am not sure where to find it. It's not going to be early in the morning as I work nights. And every other moment is full. I need a holiday without my family. Seriously they need to stay home and I just need to go to the beach or something. And drink fruity drinks, eat out, and have a maid come clean my room every day. But I can't really afford it. So someone may find me at the local Mexican restaurant crying into a daiquiri on a weekday, lol...

We were all getting ready for church and one of my teens was super snarky this morning. I am wearing thin on my patience with teen attitudes and tones lately, as I have one not yet out of the lovely phase while another one just began. It's been delightful. All I have done for the last month is work, school, and holiday creating. Yes the magical Christmas they just received complete with all decorating, shopping, wrapping, gifts, cooking, and baking was all done courtesy of mom. Who did it while working 30 hours a week in the busy hospitality industry at night. (Holidays are super busy and stressful at work). And my mom fell two days before Christmas and broke her wrist so I have been helping her as well, as she can't drive, etc.. Anyway, every moment has been taking care of others. At work, at home, everywhere. I am exhausted and at the end of my rope. I can't remember the last time I had a day off. This morning I had to get up early after working last night and do all the things to get every one ready for church (including packing lunches to eat after church so I can drop them off at their friends house without spending money on eating out). And when I was snapped at by my tired cranky teen I just broke down and cried. And crawled back into my pajamas and sent them to church without me. And then cried some more. I am so tired. And we have to start homeschooling again soon and I haven't had one day of Christmas break to enjoy (even Christmas itself was spent entertaining others so it was a good bit of work for me). Everything I do is for these kids but I feel so unappreciated. All I do is school, cook, clean, shop, work, drive kids to their activities or social engagements, repeat. I don't have one day a week for myself. Sunday is the only day not doing work, school, or activities and I have to wake up early and go to church, then plan groceries and school, etc.. But no church for me today, though I probably needed it. The tears have started and they won't stop now and I can't sit in my tiny church and cry through the whole service while everyone wonders what the heck is wrong with me. I don't need any advice. I just needed to vent. I have a great family and lots of blessings. They are going through a selfish stage and I am just tired and spent and feeling a bit selfish myself today. Please don't quote as I may delete later.

Sometimes I just stash things in plain sight by putting some clutter on top of it. Like in a basket on top of the washing machine with a towel thrown on top, or something like that. All their stockings stuffers and candy are in plain sight in a small Christmas bag I threw some tissue paper, bows, extra tags, etc on top so it just looks like a bag of Christmas wrapping supplies. Strangely enough, no one ever cleans anything up or straightens up to find the goodies except me. Hmm...

Well she did agree to stay out of the kitchen so she shouldn't have any idea how many things are in the oven. Go watch tv mom!!! 😀

A blue bottle coffee subscription?

Do you use this table to eat at regularly? Or do you have another table somewhere else in the house for meals? If this is not a space where you eat meals, I would remove the dinette set altogether in favor of a cozy sitting area with either a couple of comfy chairs or a small sofa. A small side table or coffee table for your coffee and a basket with extra blankets and some books lying around would be a lot more inviting!

I would probably try to give him some words and see what he says. Probably while driving or doing something active like taking a walk, I would say "How crazy is it that your biological father showed up at the party when you had just asked about him the night before?" Kid mumbles something like "yeah, crazy" and I say something like "well it sure is great that you finally got to meet him, although I wish I had known ahead of time that he was coming so I could have told you. Were you surprised to see him there?" See if he opens up at all. Sometimes you have to be the one to start the conversations and see what comes out. If he doesn't elaborate or seems to change the subject then he has had enough and is probably still processing. So after that I would drop it unless he brings it up or until the next possible encounter.

My state doesn't seem to require any certification but does require background checks. I am used to dealing with the public, being on my feet, and working nights and weekends. What else do I need to know before considering applying for a job as a pharmacy tech?

Praying for your little one tonight.

You have officially made enough Christmas cookies now, lol...

I have to help my perfectionist reframe expectations since obviously they do not have a good sense of what appropriate expectations are. Sometimes I use a scenario of "what would you say to (insert best friends name) if they got a 95 in Latin?" Usually they are much kinder to said friend than themselves. I ask them why they think that it is ok for said friend to make a 95 but not them? Basically I am constantly challenging the assumption that perfectionism is expected, healthy, normal, etc.. I am challenging the voice in their head saying they have to be perfect. We also practiced making mistakes and learning from them. I praised mistakes and modeled using that as a learning opportunity. For this child, learning to make mistakes was MORE important than getting all the answers right. They needed to learn how to get some answers wrong and cope with those terrible feelings that created. I am not saying there wasn't wailing and gnashing of teeth. We had so much drama over the years. There have been lots of tears and talks but very slowly I have seen some improvement. Just like anxiety I point it out when it rears its ugly head. "That is your perfectionism talking" or "that is your anxiety telling you that right now." I think just being able to name it and recognize it is important for kids. I think it gives them a starting point to begin to develop coping strategies.

We have a good bit of perfectionism that seems to run in my family. I do think there is a genetic component. I have raised my kids to view it as a disease and not as a good thing. Every time the tears and drama start I remind the one that perfectionism is a disease. It tries to steal your joy. It won't let you be happy with progress or growth or even excellence. I often used to tell my perfectionist before taking a test, etc... that I expected to see at least one error because they really needed to practice making mistakes. Most perfectionists I know would completely discount any praise or accolades. If they get a hundred on a test, well that is just the bare minimum of being acceptable. They completely discount how great that is and barely acknowledge it. They will find another little flaw somewhere to focus on instead. And heaven forbid it was like a 97. Then all they can focus on is what they did wrong. It is a very difficult way to live. In your example with the cherry tarts- if the tarts were perfect and could not be improved upon and the perfectionist was praised excessively for them they would probably just move on to something else to fixate on "well I served a perfect tart but I didn't get to mop the floors before they came over, etc., etc.." The tarts are already discounted. There is always something that is NOT perfect to focus on instead of what you may have done perfectly. You can never beat it. It taunts you. In my family, it is clearly co-morbid with a lot of anxiety and we talk about both traits and acknowledge the mental health component.

Tell us all your secrets...I want to know how all the cool kids get around the parental controls!!.😎

The local movie theater is a great idea- movies are so pricey these days!

If he doesn't have to have the portability for school he can also do his work on the gaming desktop until you can replace the laptop.

We do a similar assortment for breakfast (cinnamon rolls, sausage balls, fresh fruit, etc..) We nibble on that stuff most of the day. At night we have trays to make sandwiches with deli meats, breads, veggies, etc... We have low key Christmas traditions though!

My teens love Amazon, Hot Topic or interest specific (Arts and crafts stores, book stores, Nintendo e shop). They also like something like a Starbucks gift card.

I would keep the focus on health and not weight. I would model self acceptance and tell her how beautiful she is. I would remind her if she says things over and over to herself she will start to believe them. I would remind her that lots of girls are insecure about their bodies during this time which is why she is hearing so much locker room talk. I don't know what can be done to actually prevent an eating disorder, but I would be watchful and pay close attention if I had a teen daughter with any food issues or body image issues. Maybe some one with more experience in those areas could chime in. Or for those of you who struggled with eating disorders, what did your parents do right or what could your parents have done differently to help?

For Microsoft office you have to buy the software separately and install it, or they have a program where you pay a monthly fee and always have the latest version. https://products.office.com/en-US/compare-all-microsoft-office-products-b?tab=1&OCID=AID737190_SEM_EFFgPrWW&lnkd=Bing_O365SMB_NI&msclkid=c59b08aa9d841b635e375356ada3f8ea

A desktop is the less expensive way to go for gaming. A gaming laptop is a bit of a luxury, as the same specs on a desktop are usually much cheaper. If he doesn't have to be mobile for gaming, I would go with the desktop. If he can build or outfit his own it provides a great learning opportunity on top of saving money and getting some custom specs. Does he have to be mobile for school? If so, you could get an inexpensive laptop just for school. Added bonus that it won't support much gaming so he might be less distracted and less tempted to game while doing school. So getting one of each might be an option. Maybe one for Christmas and one as a necessary school expense?

Other books that left a mark on me were How Green Was My Valley by Richard Llewellyn, A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry, and A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens.