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Showing content with the highest reputation on 04/03/2019 in all areas

  1. 44 points
    “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” Thomas Edison
  2. 24 points
    I'm definitely going. Talking about it made me realise I was engaging in a bit of magical thinking - my presence in the house hasn't ever stopped Bad Things before, so it's pretty silly to think if I just stay at home forever more it will stop any Bad Things in the future. Physical care - other people. Emotional care - me at a distance. I've tagged one close-to-us person as 'here's what's happening, heads up'. In an emergency, I'm not even the best person at responding, and others can do that. So I'm taking a trip y'all.
  3. 18 points
    I have one semi-friend (same homeschool circles) who has, several times in the last few weeks, asked questions and commented “I don’t know where you find these opportunities”. Well, first of all, I share everything I find unless it is invitation only with anyone that I think might be interested. That includes a lot of stuff DD doesn’t do. So, she’s saying that she’s never heard of gifted programs. I’ve posted them all-usually at least once a year, on both the group pages and often on my personal page-and she’s on both. Same for local conferences, talks at local schools, good online classes, webinars, etc. When the pre-baccalaureate program DD is in opens applications, I post it every year. So does DD, on her herp advocacy pages, and on pages for her class. If I think it might be useful, I share. I especially try to share cheap/free programs that might be useful. She’s even “liked” some of those posts. And second, you have to actually do stuff to get opportunities. Her DD is apparently showing interest in Herpetology, but suggestions like “follow professional organizations and local colleges on FB, join a professional org or two-here are the cheapest ones-and go to meetings and meet people, and see what happens” apparently isn’t enough. I really get the feeling like she thinks there is some magic I can do and “poof”, her DD will get the opportunities that mine is getting now. And I can’t do that. There was a lot of serendipity involved in many of DD’s steps-but ultimately, it happened because of things like going to local guest speaker talks, state meetings, and being willing to spend long periods of time helping on other people’s projects. I don’t know any other path to suggest.
  4. 15 points
    DH said a version of that to me today. I am sick. I started getting sick on Friday and was DOWN for the weekend, and am still not better....though not as bad. Could be the Sudafed though. Anyway, I gave it to DH. And he came home not just sick, but sick with a man cold. I mean, don't get me wrong, this things is a doozy. But seriously, he whines. So I said to him "OMG I think you have complained more in the hour that you have been home, than I did all WEEKEND." And he responded "I KNOW! I was getting so frustrated that you were doing it all wrong, I had to do all your complaining for you!" 🤣🤣 It's funny, because it's ACTUALLY true. He spent most of Sunday telling me about how he heard me having trouble sleeping, he can tell I feel bad because of how I sound, etc etc. I very quickly reached a point where it was like 'seriously, please stop talking about how sick I am.' I felt so crappy this weekend, and my husband was at a loss as to what to do because I wasn't complaining enough to tell him how bad I really felt lol.
  5. 14 points
    I think too many people tend to think that opportunity just knocks on the door, when it reality it's sitting out in the woods waiting for people to find it.
  6. 13 points
    When I was in college, 2 guy friends were saying that the females got all of the internships. Based on when this was, it was entirely possible that we were disproportionately chosen for the spots. In an attempt to commiserate, I asked how many they had applied for...none. All 4 of the female STEMes had applied to 5+ programs, which surely influenced the fact that all 4 of us had summer internships and they didnt...
  7. 12 points
    Oh man, that would drive me nuts! My daughter in high school really wanted first chair, she spent a couple of years talking about it and complaining about not getting it, and finally in junior year had the epiphany that she didn't really deserve it and became content with third. We were so proud of her, lol. We both played instruments in high school and knew how much practicing was required. It was pretty obvious she wasn't willing to put in the time, and we were happy when she realized that practice and getting first chair were related. She found her passion in other areas and realized that band was just a great place to have friends.
  8. 12 points
    Wow. She sounds nice. (Actually, she sounds pretty awful. What kind of horrible things did that kid do to deserve that kind of treatment? She put all of his stuff in TRASH BAGS??? I can’t even imagine a mother doing that to her own son.)
  9. 11 points
    (posting does not at all mean that I agree) But a nice laugh is good !
  10. 11 points
  11. 11 points
    That's not a compromise, Scarlett. That's you issuing an ultimatum. You can do that, but it's going to have effects down the road. You guess that they decided to "ask forgiveness rather than permission" (despite you saying elsewhere that permission would have been granted if they'd asked)? Well, if that's the case, here's my guess: My guess is that they're gonna keep acting like this as long as you keep issuing rules about when they're allowed to be out, up until either they move out (willingly or not), or you change your approach. You really will get better results, short and long term, if you start by listening. You can practice here and then try it out over there. As for what your son needs, you're not the one who gets to determine that. HE is. And clearly it IS "the same" where you are, because he has friends out and about with him at that hour. You're the outlier.
  12. 10 points
    Well ds has a decision - University of Kentucky! He has been accepted into the SEAM Honor's program and has both a UK presidential scholarship, UK engineering scholarship and some local scholarships.
  13. 10 points
    But this isn't actually his fault. Do you generally have anxiety? Maybe you could/should work on that piece of it instead of blaming him? Is he in a position where moving out is a reasonable idea at this point? I don't think an 11 pm curfew for a 19 year old is reasonable especially if it's 7 days a week.
  14. 10 points
    Agreed What does the household income level have to do with thinking it is OK for putting your son's belongings in garbage bags and dumping them in his car at school?! That is a personality/relationship/parenting issue, not an income/wealth issue. I hope that family has healed from whatever led to that incident.
  15. 10 points
    Ds did not and does not have a curfew. He's more the stay up all night and play video games online with friends than go out kind of guy. He will often shower and do laundry at 11 or 12 at night. We have scaffolded his launch into adulthood over the years. He's been paying his own cell phone bill for about 8 years, he now pays two additional household bills and buys most of his own food and his own general expenses. Those expenses would change if he were not in college. My biggest rule is don't drive if you've been drinking, call a cab or find a place to crash. Because we live with my mom, she is a light sleeper, but knows he's home or that I'm home if the outside light is off. Sometimes we all end up talking late at night and those are the best conversations. Like some others have said, it's not about me or my mom being the parents, it's the fact we are three adults living together in an semi-equal status. We all rely on each other for something tangible, but it's not just my house or my mom's house, it's his house too. Other practical suggestions, don't drive when super tired, try to avoid the local roads when bars close (to avoid people driving when they shouldn't be), and the other big one. I will come get you if necessary. My suggestion would be to get rid of the curfew and work on building skills, like texting if you're going to be later than you said. The push on curfew and making it about your inconvenience will not make your son or dss respect you more and be quieter. I had at 11:30 curfew as a 16 year old with very strict parents and I'm your age. I consider my adult son my friend and you may have a different intention with your son, but I enjoy the fact he is enjoying his life. If he has to go up stairs maybe suggest taking off his shoes beforehand. Maybe remark about "hey, you were noisy last night, could you work on that." Then when he/they are NOT noisy compliment them. "Thanks for coming in quietly last night." When my son actually moves out I want to miss his presence, not be glad he's gone because he might inconvenience me.
  16. 10 points
    Thank you. I appreciate that. I have NEVER said that your life was poor or pathetic. I have NEVER judged you in that way. Maybe that’s how you secretly feel about your life, but I have NEVER judged you based on your financial status. Why would it matter? Why would I care? You are the one who keeps judging me so negatively, and it’s not only offensive, but it’s also getting ridiculous. It’s like you keep looking for excuses to keep trotting out your same, tired “wealth and privilege” remarks and intimations to try to discount everything I say. Seriously Scarlett, this thread was about whether a 19yo should have an 11:00 curfew. You are the one who is turning it into judging other people based on their perceived “wealth and privilege.” What’s up with that? I can’t figure out why money would have the slightest thing to do with whether or not the women on this forum would impose a curfew on their adult children.
  17. 10 points
    If you feel your adult child living at home is mooching off of you then you are better off kicking them out and trying to rebuild a relationship where you both respect each other as people. Going out to a late movie with your stepbrother is not being out all hours being dumb. To be honest I’d be happy that my step kids got along so well. I have adult children. Two done with college and off on their own working one in college home for summer and breaks. We don’t have curfews for adults.
  18. 9 points
    I have a quote on my desktop "The magic you're looking for is in the work you're avoiding."
  19. 9 points
    It is a different spin on a welfare mindset? My cousin (welfare baby with welfare babies) complains all the time about what we have vs what they have. Her DH has never worked a job that requires more than 10 hours per week and he changes jobs constantly. She has never worked a day in her life. My DH works incredibly hard, 60+ hours a week most weeks, and he has worked at the same company for 16+ years. I work and homeschool. In her mind, we are just lucky and have found some sort of magic formula for success. She will say "ya'll are so lucky". Many homeschool moms who mean well and would never verbally agree with this mindset make similar comments. You will not believe how many people write it off as "your kids are just super smart and mine aren't" when I know (from other conversations) that their kids barely did school most days, they never sought opportunities, and they are scratching their heads looking for opportunities in April of Senior year.
  20. 9 points
    Teachermom2834 I would have matter-of-factly told her that the scholarship was based on your son's ACT scores, not your income. OP, some people just don't have connections, or time, or money, or the right combination of them, to land enough of the serendipitous opportunities, and/or also don't have the drive to go looking. That lack of drive is beyond your control even if you offer connections.
  21. 9 points
    Here's the thing, some of that never goes away, even when they're moved out and paying all their own bills and not telling you all their plans. My mom and I had to talk about my expectations for ds and even today if I go out she'll remind me to not be out too late. She likes it when I call when I go back to school and it's an hour away from home. She called me a lot during the winter snow storms (when I was at school) to make sure I was okay. I know she does it from good intentions, not controlling, but it's a far cry from the mother who once scared the crap out of me as a teenager. I came home late and she stepped out of the dark bathroom and asked gruffly where I had been (pre-cell anything). I still remember that moment, but we've moved well beyond that sort of controlling angry mother - but she changed her tone in order for us to get to the point where I will call when I get back to school. Worrying about another person can be a sign of love and concern for their own well-being, but it's a fine line between that and coming off controlling.
  22. 8 points
    Found it! Under a kid’s bed, but “{sibling} put it there.” 🙄 😩 😑
  23. 8 points
    I will commiserate with you. I have "friends" who complain non-stop about how busy they are, and their kids have so much going on, and they just can't fit everything in, blah, blah, blah...... But their kids are less involved than my kids are, my kids are taking more difficult classes and working part-time, I have less help from my spouse than they do AND yes, I do manage to fit it all in. I understand different energy levels, different commitment levels, and different needs, but I just wish they'd shut up already. I work really hard to make this work and I don't have time to go out for coffee and watch Netflix like they do, but they complain as if there's some magic to getting it all done. Magic is spelled w-o-r-k. Vent over. Just wanting to say, "I hear you."
  24. 8 points
    Morning. It's a morning. That's all I got. Caffeine, now!
  25. 8 points
    None of which has to do with if it is reasonable to have a curfew versus asking him to text if he's going to be out past a certain time vs no time constraints. Maybe instead of JAWM you should have put, "Only answer if your annual income is less than XYZ". Because you are basically saying you don't want opinions from anyone with a certain amount of wealth.
  26. 8 points
    Ok, cheap shots at Cat aside (no pun intended.....), if your son really were a man, you wouldn't be having this conversation. But I think your question has to do with 19 year olds who are almost grown, but not really. Honestly, my 19 year old is coming home to go to the local 4 year college for next year and I am THRILLED that he wants to live at home and commute. He just decided last night (although we have been discussing, but he found out officially yesterday that he was accepted and we talked it out). My "rules" will be the same for him. Pick up your crap, be respectful enough to tell us when you go out and when you might be home, and text if it changes. I want my kids to live with me forever. I mean, I fully know that is unrealistic and not healthy, but I miss them so much when they are gone. Oldest (Asperger's) is more challenging to get along with for ALL of us, but I still miss him when he is away.
  27. 8 points
    I'm obviously not Scarlett, but I was raised in a similar way. The degree to which someone was judged an adult was the degree to which they had taken responsibility for themselves and others. In the military or a married parent? Fully adult. 19 year old who lives at home but isn't responsible for own cleaning, laundry, other chores, rent, grocery or other living expenses, paying no bills and doing nothing to take on more responsibility for self or others, even in terms of being considerate? Child. ETA: In some areas of the country this still seems true. In others it seems impossible and different standards exist. It seems like another aspect of the personal bubble to me. ETA2: In the same areas a 15 or 16 year old who went to school during the day and worked full time evenings and weekends would also be considered an adult. Age has nothing to do with it, responsibility does.
  28. 8 points
    I don't really have much to add that hasn't already been said. You say the noise isn't the issue, it's not knowing when he'll be home but that could be solved by a text saying when he'd be home. The curfew isn't really the point except then you say it is. Honestly, I get the impression you're ready for him to move out and you want it to be over his "disrespect" for your need to sleep rather than you being ready for him to move out. If you want him to move out, own it and take steps to help him achieve that.
  29. 8 points
    Actually, it seems like you are the one who can’t fathom a life unlike yours. 🙂 You seem to be discrediting anyone who disagrees with you. Seriously, you should have made this thread a JAWM. You had no interest in hearing anything other than complete agreement that what you were doing was right.
  30. 8 points
    Your son is an adult. Why do you think you have the right to determine the specific situations and circumstances when he is allowed to be out past 11:00pm? Why do you feel that he shouldn’t be allowed to make his own choices? And so what if he decides that he wants to be out after 11:00 for “total entertainment” every night of the week? As long as he’s not shirking his other responsibilities, why do you think you should be able to make that decision for him? Why shouldn’t he be able to do what he wants to do? 19 is really, really old for a young adult to still have a curfew, and 11:00 is incredibly early. Does he also have a curfew on the weekend? My ds19 still lives at home, too, but he is an equal member of this household, and our home will always be his home. We all make compromises for each other. But what I’m seeing in your posts makes it sound like your son and stepson are the ones who have to do all of the compromising, because you are The Parent and you are In Charge. Your sons are getting awfully old to be treated like children. It sounds like they are as quiet as possible when they come home at night, so it’s not as though they are being intentionally disruptive. I think it may be a good idea to consider some of the suggestions others here have made about finding a way to adapt to your sons coming home late, rather than forcing them to abide by such an early curfew. They both sound like very nice young men.
  31. 8 points
    But that is YOUR issue to fix, not his to accommodate. If he weren't living at home, you'd have no idea whether he's in a ditch or not. that's a transition you as the parent need to work through.
  32. 7 points
    Oh, I've gotten this SO many times!!!! I've tested a lot of kids over the years (I only charge for the test) but the flip side is that you will listen to me for 30 minutes whilst we talk about test results. I got the, "Oh, I don't know what to do with my kids' math scores! You're so lucky. Your kids are just SMART in math!" Um, no, sweetie. If you'd quit being in church 10 hours a day, and actually DO ALL the Saxon math problems, your kids would have good scores too. Choices have consequences, and your chickens have come home to roost. "Oh, it's just not FAIR that your kids get into all these fabulous colleges!" Well, dear, you put in the work, you see the reward. You allow your kid to spend hours and hours and days and days in ONE sport, and skip schoolwork over and over, well, you see the result. And then the kid gets hurt and can no longer do the sport. Bummer. That's right--your kid is living in your basement now, playing video games. Let me know how that worked out for him. We're dealing with this with a Scout. He announced to me that he wants to drop out of the troop. That's too bad. Nope, I'm not going to beg you to stay. Frankly, the kid only causes work. So, now you're thinking of 4-H. Good luck with that. Guess what--there are still VOLUMINOUS requirements, but you can do the bare minimum, just like you did in Scouts. And then county fair will come, and your kid will be dead last. And again, you won't see the correlation between work and results. Welcome to the real world where not everyone gets the big purple ribbon. Again, bummer.
  33. 7 points
    ha! husband would say I'm just impulsive, lol. Your way sounds way nicer 🙂 (actually, recently he gave me the same compliment, when he saw my business cards and flyers I made up in a day, versus him taking weeks to try to figure out the very best layout, so maybe as I've matured impulsivity has matured into "woman of action")
  34. 7 points
    Dh is having his picture taken today, so he had to take his suit with him. The district has a ceremony recognizing the top 3% of students in the district. Each student chooses a teacher who has inspired or taught them the most. Dh has been chosen again. BOOYA!!
  35. 7 points
    Good Morning! Happy Wednesday! I slept well last night for the first time all week. We should probably do a 15-minute cleanup today. The house is getting a bit cluttered again.
  36. 7 points
    Costco is where I go for paper goods. And some food. But mostly paper goods. Trader Joes has some good gluten free convenience items that I can’t get anywhere else.
  37. 7 points
    wow. So adult, to you, are only people who hold a paying job? Does the degree to which they should enjoy adult privileges depend on the amount of money they make? Or the hours they work outside the home? This is just so strange.
  38. 7 points
    My son doesn’t pay for any of the household expenses. That doesn’t make him any less of an equal member of our family, or give him any less rights than anyone else has. What do you mean by my life not being able to compare with your life? We are both mothers of 19yo sons who live at home. That’s all this is about.
  39. 7 points
    I’m going to go thank my mom. After reading this thread, I just realized that all through high school, when I was going to be home from a friend’s house at, say 12, and I called her at 11 or 11:30 to ask permission to stay later, maybe 1:30.... all those times, I might have woken her up, but more than likely she was laying on a couch, not able to sleep! Never did she complain, only thanked me for letting her know. And probably thanking her lucky stars that her teenager was watching one more movie with a couple of friends, while giggling and eating too much junk food, lol. Seriously must thank her!
  40. 7 points
    Whether or not Regentrude was right, it seems clear that she suggested therapy because she feels you are too anxious about your son keeping normal hours for a young man, not because you "want to be able to sleep at night". At any rate, you can't actually control your son anymore, because he's an adult. And despite what you say about how nobody "needs to" stay out past eleven, he clearly wants to do so in order to spend time with your friends. Yes, we know you feel he spends "enough time" with his friends, but he clearly disagrees, and so do all his friends. What he wants is important too. Your options are these: 1. Get over it, with or without help. Learn to let things go. 2. Talk to him openly and come to a compromise - perhaps a 1am curfew on weeknights, and he loops you into his plans on weekends? - where you actually *compromise* and agree that you'll both be a little unhappy with the solution. Sorry, an eleven pm curfew, which none of his friends abide by anyway, is just not reasonable. Doesn't matter how much you want it or think you need it, compromise means you both have to give a little. 3. You make a plan to help him move into his own space by a set date. Those are your options. "Make everybody at the WTM forums agree with me that my son is unreasonable, and then he has to come home at eleven" is not an option. We're not going to do that, he's not going to do that, it's not an option.
  41. 7 points
    If the problem is that you're waiting to be disturbed when he comes in, can you run a fan in your room or take other measures so that you can't hear him come in? I run a fan in my bedroom all the time, and you'd be amazed at how much sound a fan can drown out, and after a few nights you don't even really hear the fan anymore.
  42. 7 points
    I think that's something you need to work out for yourself, though. If he moved out you'd have to find a way to sleep with him gone every single night. It isn't really fair to tell someone that they need to curtail normal, age-appropriate activities to accommodate our own anxieties. And I have OCD, so I do know all about wanting to do that. At a certain point though, you have to say, "This is my issue, and I need to find a way to deal with it because I can't control the people around me all the time."
  43. 6 points
    My workout is over half done!
  44. 6 points
    Even if you offer connections and opportunities most people don't have the money or want to spend the time. If I had a dollar for every time someone in my extended in law family wanted me to come to a party instead of chauffeur to youth orchestra, scouts, varsity sports etc, I'd have no need to save anything to pay for college plus high school electives. I suspect if most extended families would sacrifice the cost of a six pack per month per person each year, each child that wanted to go to college would be fully funded. The best one for me was the parents of the kid who wanted to have ds's first chair in one of his ensembles. I knew them from scouts. Every concert they'd tell me their kid was better. I'd smile and nod. Obviously the director disagreed, as well as the judges at All County and anyway none of us are professional musicians. Senior year dad blurts out: "well, X would be first, except he needs to practice more, but he's still the best". X in the end decided the way to get first chair was to claim it on stage at a concert which of course made it difficult for my kid to rise and go to his solo spot as he now had an obstacle course the director really needed to have that convo the next day. Yes, you actually have to do stuff- like practice and develop expertise -- to get opportunity even if its someone who you know that got you in the door. The kids with solos gave up time to practice at home and with the director weekly at lunch, so they would develop their skills; the child who wanted first couldn't be bothered.
  45. 6 points
    It's kind of like processing joy and grief at the same time. They're not little boys anymore, they're becoming men of good character and it is hard to have the relationship be different. I think it our cases, especially, this is cautious joy that our sons are not their fathers - and in a way there is a grieving that goes with that too. I see the essence of exdh in ds, but it's the good things right now. I hope that is always the case and our conversations with our sons may be different than mothers who HOPE that their sons become like their fathers.
  46. 6 points
    He is an actual adult. But even if you want to say he’s still just a college kid, can’t you see that a 10:00 or 11:00 curfew is unreasonable for a college kid? That’s the kind of curfew a freshman in high school might have.
  47. 6 points
    Wow, Scarlett, what is your problem? Why do you have to bring money into every thread when you respond to my posts? You seem to have some serious resentment issues toward me. I was staying on-topic. I feel that I can relate to this topic because we both have 19yo sons that live at home. You seem to want to resort to snide personal remarks. I hope you’ll knock it off because it’s getting really tedious. And yes, I think it’s terrible that a mother would put her son’s belongings into garbage bags. It’s dehumanizing.
  48. 6 points
    Sometimes people make mistakes. It might not be because they have "total disregard for the people they live with", there could be any number of reasons, starting with simple forgetfulness and ending with the desire to avoid a guilt trip. (And you can still have that desire even if you also think your mother wouldn't do that to you.) Because that's how compromise works. You agree to some concessions, and they agree to others. When you respect people, you do not assume bad faith when they don't do what you like. You compromise with them rather than imposing rules without consideration of their needs.
  49. 6 points
    Anxiety isn't a choice. Not sleeping because you're worried about something is absolutely anxiety. You may not have the ability to "just stop," but that doesn't mean it's not your responsibility. Not all things that we're unable to change are reasonable to force on others, even if we're the ones paying the bills. I think one of the things you've hopefully learned from this thread is the overwhelming majority of parents - even relatively traditional leaning WTM'ers - feel that 11pm is an unreasonable curfew for an adult child who is otherwise on track with life. It's not that some people agreed and some disagreed. It's that virtually everyone disagreed except for a couple of people.
  50. 6 points
    Then you have a psychological problem that you need to address. The mindset "this is my house because I pay the bills, and if you do not arrange your life to cater to my anxieties it is better you move out" is completely alien to me. This is not how we live family life. There is no "my" house - this is *our* home. Irrespective of who has how much earning power. Would you expect a money earning husband to dictate how his SAH wife leads her life? (Well, I guess you actually might). This aspect of the discussion really boggles my mind. Coupling agency to economic ability, wow. We are not talking about a person who uses drugs, is violent, is breaking the law. We are talking about an adult man who stays out later than mommy's bedtime. I find this expectation bizarre.
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