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Showing content with the highest reputation on 04/03/2019 in all areas

  1. 13 points
    When I was in college, 2 guy friends were saying that the females got all of the internships. Based on when this was, it was entirely possible that we were disproportionately chosen for the spots. In an attempt to commiserate, I asked how many they had applied for...none. All 4 of the female STEMes had applied to 5+ programs, which surely influenced the fact that all 4 of us had summer internships and they didnt...
  2. 11 points
    That's not a compromise, Scarlett. That's you issuing an ultimatum. You can do that, but it's going to have effects down the road. You guess that they decided to "ask forgiveness rather than permission" (despite you saying elsewhere that permission would have been granted if they'd asked)? Well, if that's the case, here's my guess: My guess is that they're gonna keep acting like this as long as you keep issuing rules about when they're allowed to be out, up until either they move out (willingly or not), or you change your approach. You really will get better results, short and long term, if you start by listening. You can practice here and then try it out over there. As for what your son needs, you're not the one who gets to determine that. HE is. And clearly it IS "the same" where you are, because he has friends out and about with him at that hour. You're the outlier.
  3. 10 points
    Ds did not and does not have a curfew. He's more the stay up all night and play video games online with friends than go out kind of guy. He will often shower and do laundry at 11 or 12 at night. We have scaffolded his launch into adulthood over the years. He's been paying his own cell phone bill for about 8 years, he now pays two additional household bills and buys most of his own food and his own general expenses. Those expenses would change if he were not in college. My biggest rule is don't drive if you've been drinking, call a cab or find a place to crash. Because we live with my mom, she is a light sleeper, but knows he's home or that I'm home if the outside light is off. Sometimes we all end up talking late at night and those are the best conversations. Like some others have said, it's not about me or my mom being the parents, it's the fact we are three adults living together in an semi-equal status. We all rely on each other for something tangible, but it's not just my house or my mom's house, it's his house too. Other practical suggestions, don't drive when super tired, try to avoid the local roads when bars close (to avoid people driving when they shouldn't be), and the other big one. I will come get you if necessary. My suggestion would be to get rid of the curfew and work on building skills, like texting if you're going to be later than you said. The push on curfew and making it about your inconvenience will not make your son or dss respect you more and be quieter. I had at 11:30 curfew as a 16 year old with very strict parents and I'm your age. I consider my adult son my friend and you may have a different intention with your son, but I enjoy the fact he is enjoying his life. If he has to go up stairs maybe suggest taking off his shoes beforehand. Maybe remark about "hey, you were noisy last night, could you work on that." Then when he/they are NOT noisy compliment them. "Thanks for coming in quietly last night." When my son actually moves out I want to miss his presence, not be glad he's gone because he might inconvenience me.
  4. 9 points
    I have a quote on my desktop "The magic you're looking for is in the work you're avoiding."
  5. 8 points
    Actually, it seems like you are the one who can’t fathom a life unlike yours. 🙂 You seem to be discrediting anyone who disagrees with you. Seriously, you should have made this thread a JAWM. You had no interest in hearing anything other than complete agreement that what you were doing was right.
  6. 6 points
    It's kind of like processing joy and grief at the same time. They're not little boys anymore, they're becoming men of good character and it is hard to have the relationship be different. I think it our cases, especially, this is cautious joy that our sons are not their fathers - and in a way there is a grieving that goes with that too. I see the essence of exdh in ds, but it's the good things right now. I hope that is always the case and our conversations with our sons may be different than mothers who HOPE that their sons become like their fathers.
  7. 6 points
    That just sounds like sour grapes. I don't know if you and Cat have some sort of history that would make you lash out, but you're coming across nasty. Is that your intention?
  8. 6 points
    Why? That can often just be a waste of money, especially if they are in college. It can also effect their grades which can be an even bigger issue. In many areas of the country, the COL is completely out of control. Saving money by living at home is one way many students are able to avoid debt and save for future expenses like a house. As someone who has shared your own financial struggles on this board, I would think you would want the best financial start possible for your son.
  9. 6 points
    Then you have a psychological problem that you need to address. The mindset "this is my house because I pay the bills, and if you do not arrange your life to cater to my anxieties it is better you move out" is completely alien to me. This is not how we live family life. There is no "my" house - this is *our* home. Irrespective of who has how much earning power. Would you expect a money earning husband to dictate how his SAH wife leads her life? (Well, I guess you actually might). This aspect of the discussion really boggles my mind. Coupling agency to economic ability, wow. We are not talking about a person who uses drugs, is violent, is breaking the law. We are talking about an adult man who stays out later than mommy's bedtime. I find this expectation bizarre.
  10. 6 points
    Look, I get what you're saying, but I hope you can try to accept that this really is something you have to deal with yourself instead of having your family accommodate you by never being out past your bedtime. The reality is that what you're asking isn't fair. I have misophonia and half hearing music or tv noises through the wall gives me panic attacks. (Weird, I know.) But I don't tell dh and older dd that they can never listen to music or watch tv, because that isn't fair. It isn't right for me to impose that kind of restriction. So I deal. If it's annoying me, I go for a walk or find something to do to take my mind off it. If I'm having a really extra horrific day with my anxiety, they're sensitive to that and use headphones. But it isn't something I require because that's only going to breed resentment.
  11. 5 points
    I was just trying to explain to someone what you're supposed to do if you wreck your car into an electrical wire/pole and the ground is wet. Because I saw a video once and am now an expert 🙄 It's really not an intuitive thing, dealing with water and electricity. Very scary business. Those poor, good boys 😞
  12. 4 points
    Gymnast likes the "homeschool program." It's a small class of about 9 right now. She's enrolled for next year.
  13. 4 points
    bless her heart. maybe she should have quit her job and did more herding her child to make sure he was taking more academic classes, getting better grades and scored higher on standardized admissions tests. I got sick of hearing that sort of thing with my girls too. "oh, they're so smart".... well, I didn't encourage them to play hooky from school so they could go shopping, or skiing, etc. either!
  14. 4 points
    Every set of teeth, insurance, and costs varies. You'll need to do some research on your own for your own case.
  15. 4 points
    I mentioned it before, but the bolded sounds like the heart of the issue. If that's true, and if you could get him on board with giving you information on his ETA in a timely way (whether he planned to be home by 11 or by some later hour), wouldn't this whole issue would pretty much disappear? You just need to know in advance when he'll be home. Honestly, adult or not, that doesn't seem to be an unreasonable request of the people with whom you share a home and who are giving you so much support both financially and emotionally. ETA: The curfew sounds like an attempt to resolve the problem of lack of information about his ETA. Would presenting it to him in that light be helpful? Good luck sorting it out, Scarlett. I know you want to help and support DS and DSS as much as you can.
  16. 4 points
    Good morning! I have been sleeping so well! Praise the Lord! Supplements and coffee time while dc are getting ready. I guess I need to let the chickens out and feed them soon. I'm hoping to walk some while at work today. It's hard to find time for four miles AFTER work. I like to leave two miles for after, though, so dogs and dc can walk, too. Now if the house would clean itself and food cook itself and animals start maintaining self care, I would have plenty of time for my stuff! Lol! Dd will start intensive writing and reading test prep today.
  17. 4 points
    An 11:00 curfew for a 19yo? That seems awfully strict!
  18. 4 points
    In this case you might need to tell your son he can't live there if he keeps late hours. Not because he is doing anything wrong, but because you can't handle it. You could say you have really tried and it isn't his fault, but you absolutely need your sleep and this isn't working. Personally I would find that a difficult conversation to have. But if it is your reality, then I think you need to have it.
  19. 4 points
    WE had that same struggle. Our response was "Fine. Adults who don't want to be considerate can simply be a true adult by moving to a place where their behavior can be better accommodated. You are not entitled to disrupt the whole house." This was important for us because we have much younger kids here. I looked at it like this. If I rented a room to a total stranger and their habits disturbed the flow and harmony of our home, they would have to go and since I am the homeowner, that is my call. It was no different for my adult kids. Maybe that's mean or controlling or whatever. But dad pays the bills and if he struggles with focus because he's tired and the whole house is grumpy because of one's just a living situation that will not work for all the parties. Currently, my dd has a roommate who does things that really bother my dd. So she's moving on to another place and another person. Okay. Mom and dad are no different.
  20. 4 points
    Our family is different, somewhat because we live out in the sticks and don’t want our kids stranded late at night without close access to a gas station or something where’s they could get help if there’s a problem. also, dh and I are up early and people coming in late mean that we don’t get enough sleep because our house layout disturbs is when folks come in. So we did have curfews when my oldest still lived at home. She also was super loud and inconsiderate of others. She shared a room with a sibling and woke them up when she’d come in. and she would be ugly and mean to people living normal life in the morning when she wanted to sleep in. its your house. You can have whatever rules suit you. If young adults think it’s unreasonable they can do like my dd did and find their own place. we weren’t trying to be horrible. But we couldn’t allow one persons prefences to disrupt the whole house. your house. Your rules.
  21. 3 points
    Today's late lunch: mozzarella stick "natural" Cheetos V-8 mini Mounds bar water tylenol I think I got all of the food groups!
  22. 3 points
    I made my grocery order for this week, to pick up tomorrow evening on the way home from work. That way Friday I can go straight home. Plus ds12 ate all the grapes I was going to use in chicken salad.
  23. 3 points
    The current used for electrical fencing to keep cattle etc in shouldn’t have been enough to kill the boys. Seems like something was malfunctioning to have that effect or someone rigged up something themselves. Poor kids and their families!
  24. 3 points
    That is horrible. We had a friend who was on a pontoon boat with friends. I can't remember exactly what happened, but some electrical cord was dangling in the water when the boat was docked. Our friend dove in to retrieve it, not realizing that it was still connected and turned on. He was immediately electrocuted and became unconscious in the water. Another friend who was there only saw that his friend needed help -- didn't put 2 and 2 together. He dove in after him to save him. He was electrocuted too. The other people on the boat realized what was going on and unplugged the cord before diving in to save them. They both survived.
  25. 3 points
    You said a few pages back, when someone suggested your son take on more adult responsibilities and start paying his own bills, "It's not that simple", and said how you and your xh made an agreement with him that dad would pay for X and you'd pay for Y. So yeah, you did imply that the arrangement couldn't be changed when you said "It's not that simple" when someone suggested it.
  26. 3 points
    I'm not familiar with orchards or electrified gates, but is it possible they did not know how dangerous it was? Just entering the canal doesn't seem terribly dangerous to me for strong swimmers, I'm wondering if he knew there were electrified fences nearby. Presumably they would be marked with signs, but would he see those from below (in the canal)? I'm having a hard time picturing how this happened. We have canals here, but I'm thinking not the same kind.
  27. 3 points
    I think the family needs to tell Grandma an exact number they need to make Yale work. She may have no clue what colleges can cost these days. If she says yes to the amount, then I would ask her to pay that money after final CSS/FASFA are filed or after grand-daughter transfer/drops out. (I'm not suggesting the daughter will not graduate, but I would want the money to still be there in the unlikely event she does not finish.) I would suggest the parents use their house money to pay for Yale and then use Grandmother's money to pay for house. (Depending on family dynamics this might need some type of legal document. It would also need to be written into the will.) I would contact Yale and ask how retirement is treated since the father is of retirement age and will be retiring while kid is in schoo$ I would suggest the parents either contact Yale to see if that will impact financial info in future years, phrase it in if a family member is willing to assist with the cost this year., but I don't know if this would open a can of worms with the school wanting even more money. I have never had to deal with a CSS school. I don't think you friend did anything wrong. They probably believed what they were told that meets needs schools would meet their need or cost x if they made X. Every school is different and there is no way to know all the ins and outs. Net price calculators have come a long way, but they still don't work for unusual situations. And, I'm saying that as someone would have absolutely no problem telling my Yale-accepted student to go to Hendrix (no clue if it is big enough that she wouldn't see high school guy) or Oxford for two years or whatever state school she applied to as a safety. I probably would have ruled out Yale a long time ago in this process.
  28. 3 points
    One other thing is that I think it's not optimal or healthy for you or him or your relationship to *allow* him to live without paying bills or rent or whatever but then use that as leverage to continue to treat him as if he is still 17. Just my opinion, but I think that breeds resentment all around and sort of stunts his growth into being a full adult; not just the curfew but also not having adult responsibilities or privileges.
  29. 2 points
    John built The Tower of Babel in sand and I told him it was a sin. It was funny to watch him sit there figuring out if I was lying or not. Yes.
  30. 2 points This reporter has been busy, and its worth the read. Hopefully y'all haven't used up your free articles for the month.
  31. 2 points
    Does her university have a Career Center or the like? My son's school has a "Career" Center that helps students transition to their next step...whatever that is. They help with resumes, internships, research opportunities, grad school applications, and of course, job searches. They are constantly sending out notices with "We Will Help!" 😁 My son is in a similar position, albeit not as quick. He could have graduated this spring if the course offerings had worked out, but unlike most stories you hear, he was VERY relieved when they didn't! lol! He was scared to death when the reality of possibly graduating in 3 years hit him. He is already on track to get two degrees...a BS in math and a BA in earth science, so I feel like he has spread his wings enough. Your daughter may be close to a strong minor without even realizing it. That would be nice to add to her resume! So ds has to go one more semester (next fall) to finish his undergrad. He is doing an undergrad "honors thesis", too, in the fall to help build his resume (and to bring him to full-time student hours), and he is currently talking to a professor about a research opportunity this summer. That would be an awesome boost if it works out! We have advised him to "keep doing what you are doing" since he is so unsure what direction he should go in. So I expect that he will remain at his current university and get his masters while being more proactive in planing what to do after that.
  32. 2 points
    Intern means different things to different people. The first thing that comes to my mind is the full-time internship, that is frequently done in the summer. Some companies offer full-time internships in other terms also. Some places also offer internships that are part-time and done while also taking classes. My oldest did this while studying abroad; took 3 classes and worked part-time for a company programming. It is late, of course, to find an internship for this summer, but things happen. She needs to talk to a professor or person who helps with internships and also to the person/professor who helps Wirth grad school applications.
  33. 2 points
    I haven't been on the boards as much lately, things are really ramping up at work and with my house and my free time is spent working on keeping the house up or staying after work, or, being sick! But I did want to comment on a few things. I did kind of see various reasons you want him to have a curfew. It went from concern of his welfare (and not being able to sleep) to concern for your sleep due to noise levels in your house. I don't know if it is both or ranges depending on the situation, or what, but I think the general response was very few of us have hard curfews for our kids who are over 18 and out of high school, etc.... I wanted to ask, since I am on the house selling and buying thought process right now.....will your next house have been insulated walls? If you aren't actually selling to these people who are interested, could you put something up in your house? I have a musical son and so I have been looking into sound proofing foam type things to better noise proof his room. Maybe a wall of that stuff (or a cheaper alternative) would work for you? I may be wrong but I am imagining more of a plywood thickness wall between your rooms and that is almost like nothing......sound wise.
  34. 2 points
    My kids have all been so different. Oldest finished high school at 19, but did 2 years of dual enrollment (not full time) and it was fine. Middle was 18.5 when he graduated from public high school. Rules don't change in our house when you turn 18, but I am not heavy with rules really. Be respectful, clean up after yourself, let us know where you are and an expected time to come home quietly! No, I was not their teacher after about 9th grade. They did dual enrollment, online classes, or went to high school. I now have two college kids (19 and 21) and a high schooler (15). 15 year old is a freshman, so he will be 18 by graduation. What DOES change? Well, you can join the armed forces, go to adult prison for crimes, sign legal documents, etc.....heck, you can drop out at 16 legally! But that doesn't mean you SHOULD do any of those things. Maturity doesn't change from the last day of 17 to the first day of age 18.
  35. 2 points
    Article is dated April 1st! Maybe it’s just some scientists having a laugh! Although a quick google reveals it appears to be pretty widely published even on April 2nd
  36. 2 points
    I would call it house rules rather than a curfew. It would be the same if she was renting out the room to a 19yo stranger - she could say "this arrangement works if you don't go in or out between 11pm and 5am, otherwise no." It may be unconventional, but if both parties agree, I think it is fine. The renter is free to terminate it and just never return; also free to stay elsewhere all night without permission or explanation.
  37. 2 points
    It literally can not be overstated how great Avatar is! Poster OneStepAtaTime turned me onto the series, and though I owe her much in many ways, this hot tip is a real stand out!!
  38. 2 points
    I wonder if there's a correlation between less sex and worse mental health in young people, including the libido reducing effects of some meds.
  39. 2 points
    I think there has to be some flexibility on your part. I had a midnight curfew when I was 17, it was earlier than any of my friends, and we were not hooligans. It was just the nature of teen social life. I know my mom worried about us being out. I know she didn't sleep as well waiting for us to be home. But I'm thankful she let me have the social life and time with my friends, despite the inconvenience and worry. I think it is strange for a 19yo to have his parents tell to be home by 11, whatever the reason. As long as he is making an effort to come in quietly, I think it might be your hangup to deal with, or if he wants to live as roommates then charge him rent and treat him as a tenant (he pays but can come and go as he pleases and you are at least compensated for him using your space). Or tell him he needs to find another place to live if he can't deal with a strict curfew and you can't adjust to just letting him come and go as an adult.
  40. 2 points
    Always always quote hourly rates for move out cleans!
  41. 2 points
    Random things to consider . . . + ASAP, I'd totally put cheap padding and carpet down over that tile for a couple years, until you're not so worried about the kids cracking their heads. For just a couple/few hundred bucks, you can make the floor a million time safer and reduce a lot of your (reasonable) worries. Plan to rip it out when it gets nasty and then that tile will still be there, good as new. + My climber kids had bunks at those ages and I never felt unsafe, but they weren't REALLY crazy, just climbed all the time. But, with thick padding and carpet, it was fine. Kids fall. It's OK. I mean, my youngest climbed the ladder to the tip top of the big kids' bunks when she was TEN MONTHS OLD and did that in about 20 seconds flat (first time she ever got on any ladder of any sort, while Dad was helping the kids brush their teeth in the bathroom no more than 20 feet away . . . So, I get it. But, still, no damage done . . . + A Twin-over-Full bunk, slammed against the wall on the long side and with modern, safe design . . . could be pretty darn safe. Especially because if you fell off the long side of the twin, you'd land on the full. 🙂 And the short ends could be pretty hard to climb with the right design (say, solid panels instead of rails/slats . . .) Modern bunks have so many safety rails, etc, they're pretty darn safe, I think. + You could take the doors off the closet and just take over that closet space for more floor space for bed space if that helps. Even if you keep the closet as a "closet", I'd still take the doors off to clear the floor space. You could hang curtains or just leave it open. + You could remove everything but sleep/peaceful stuff in the entire room. You could remove all toys (to the family room, whatever) and maybe all the clothes, too, or at least ONLY have minimal clothes (maybe only jammies) and books/lovies in there. + Kids clothes could go to some "family closet" wherever you can fit them. Maybe in the laundry room. Or an armoire in your family room or maybe in your master. + So, at a minimum, each kid would have a lovely bed, with room for a few movies and a bin/nook somewhere for their favorite books and one or two items they really want in the bed room. Everything else OUT (and give each a chest/cabinet/shelf/trunk/whatever somewhere in the house that is "theirs" for their STUFF). + Consider curtains as dividers/screens (in place of closet doors and/or between beds) if desired. Make them easily washable to minimize allergens.
  42. 2 points
    I think it is ridiculous and selfish for your husband to essentially have the master suite to himself while you and three children are in one small bedroom. The logical thing is to turn the master into a dormitory. I think I'd over-rule dh on this.
  43. 1 point
    Oldest DD (7th) will finish her writing curriculum this week. I don't yet want to start next year's program...but I don't want to do nothing. If you had 2 months to fill, what would you use? I have Wordsmith Apprentice on hand...but I'm not sure how long it'd take to finish (I suppose we'd have 4-5 months, if she works through the summer). This child is not a strong writer and would benefit from continued practice. Any suggestions or thoughts?
  44. 1 point
    My dh had horrible teeth. We switched to a mineral rich homemade powder. Works wonderful. DH has had his dentist ask how his teeth improved so much. We don't use flouride. Using different clays, calcium powder works wonders. Cure Tooth Decay Naturally is a good book to read too. We don't follow it exactly, but even just a few changes has helped so much.
  45. 1 point
    As one of those people that gets a trillion bites when everyone else around gets two or three, I call shenanigans!! I've heard every weird solution to bug bites out there, and everyone is absolutely convinced each one works and every one of them has a study to back them up 🤣 Deet and death are the only skeeter preventatives, and the former has been known to fail too LOL. Well, and bats and guppies haha.
  46. 1 point
    Any student who successfully teaches themselves a foreign language is extremely motivated, IMO.
  47. 1 point
    We have issues in our home with anxiety being lower on ADHD meds, though it's not processing so much as general ability to pay attention. It really stinks to know what you need to do and not be able to make yourself do it! Meds help with that here.
  48. 1 point
    Unpopular opinion: We have Costco here, but I don't think it's worthwhile. It happens to be near Trader Joe's, also not worthwhile. They happen to be near The Melting Pot, which I could be talked into. :)
  49. 1 point
    Take your book to the office supply store and have them cut off the binding and 3 hole punch the whole thing. (It will cost a few bucks.) Staple together each individual lesson into packets and put them into a 3 ring binder. Use the lesson plan above, or design your own using the prerequisite flow chart to create your own sequence. Pull out the first 3 lessons in your sequence. Read through carefully. Put the books in their reading list on hold at the library about a week in advance of teaching, and add additional books from the same shelf and correlated Bill Nye videos. Also a couple of weeks in advance, order any needed materials for demonstrations. Run through the demonstrations on your own to work out the kinks. Spend about 10 minutes a day 5 days a week on science. (This time consuming, but I find some of the challenging material takes some time to sink in. Follow his script with maybe a demo on the first day, reading books on the next day, watch the video another day, etc, so it's broken up into pieces with time for your student to mull over the info. As you complete each lesson, add another lesson to your 3 lesson prep pack and repeat with ordering books and materials. HTH.
  50. 1 point
    We live in a heavily populated area and they will have 4 teens in the car driving to a different down via a typically crowded interstate.
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