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Showing content with the highest reputation on 03/21/2019 in all areas

  1. 23 points
    DS accepted at Hamilton!!!! He's had 5 waitlists and 1 rejection over the past week, so we really needed this one to get him out of his funk. And one of his top choices, so even better!
  2. 20 points
    Occidental notified DD of her acceptance this evening.
  3. 20 points
    Before I became a teacher, I thought you could form your kids. That people who were "good" parents mostly got "good" kids. Teaching and getting to know families in that professional context dispelled that myth for me, for which I'm very grateful. Our kids are not clay that we shape. They are their own people and we're just here to guide them. It also helps me know that what you see of other families is only the tip of the iceberg. People are always telling me how polite and perfect and amazing my kids are. And it's like, what. My kids? Because our kids bring their worst to us. And they do this because they know we love them and it's safe to do so.
  4. 16 points
    Son got accepted to Emory/Oxford and UC Santa Barbara this week. We are in CA so still waiting to hear from a few more UCs before making a decision. We are very thankful and not taking anything for granted. So many with stellar stats were rejected/waitlisted that I started to wonder if applying as a homeschooler is a hook of some sort.
  5. 14 points
    I hear ya. I have concluded that I have largely been a motherhood failure too. Mental health issues in all of 'em seem unlikely to be a co-incidence, kwim ? I do know that I did a great job on one thing - reading my kids a wide and wonderful range of books! However, talking about it the other day, it turns out the kids don't really remember many of the have to laugh or else you'd never get out of bed for crying. My perspective change ? Well, I've certainly developed quite a lot of parenting humility. If I'm ever a grandparent, I will likely not feel I can harass my children-in-law with my superior parenting outlook, lol I have a better attitude to my own mother, who I felt for a long time just did all the wrong things. And actually, she did do a lot of the wrong things, but it turns out I have too. So, I don't judge her as much, and I think that is healthy and appropriate. I am working on self compassion at the moment - not doing all that well there, but trying. That's another persepctive change, seeing oneself as flawed and fallible, just like the other humans, and yet seeing oneself as deserving of the same breaks we'd give another. Lowering the bar is good ( mine is really low too ). Are the kids alive at the end of the day, and the start of the next one ? Win! Honestly, it is, historically speaking. Can you look for a win elsewhere ? A lot of my self esteem atm is coming from my teaching work - lots of positive feedback, and they pay me too 🙂 I can put in effort into teaching which then pays off. It's important to have a couple of wins now and then. Other wins I've had come from crafting projects, and doing small things for a sibling that I know makes them happy. Can you view the show Please Like Me ? The Dad in that show thinks he is to blame for all the bad outcomes, and seeing him think and talk exactly like me, really helped me (temporarily) to see how silly it is to think we have so much control, and made me laugh at myself. Recommend. Finally, do you ever get to hear that you are doing a steadfast job ? Mothering is often thankless, and it shouldn't be. And frankly, you are doing it harder than many. You need thanks for your role! I mean, look at you, you are down but here asking for ways to shift your own perspective - you are steadfast, honey. Four kids with dyslexia ? I'm gonna give you a medal. I don't really care if your kids are a mess, you keep deserve recognition for that.
  6. 12 points
    Based on what you wrote here and what I know from my own difficult young adult, I wouldn't allow him to make the repairs himself. The insurance should have deposited the money in your account, not his and I would call them and get them involved, NOW. I might offer to pay him for the repairs once they are done to your satisfaction but only once the money for your repairs is in your control.
  7. 12 points
    Just me, but I would say that the time of the original offer expired at the end of the holidays. You granted grace into January. Now he just needs to learn a hard life lesson of being responsible and taking the van to the shop so that it gets done RIGHT and gets done NOW (in a timely fashion). I can't imagine that anything but frustration on all sides will result in allowing him to drag this on and on for potentially weeks in trying to make repairs himself. He had his window to repair it himself; he chose not to. Now it is time for the natural consequences of that choice. I would express all of that lovingly, calmly, but clearly/firmly, and then you can all move on. Again, JMO.
  8. 12 points
    DS waitlisted at Emory (both the Oxford and Atlanta campuses) and ACCEPTED AT HAMILTON! I don't know if I've ever been more relieved in my life than I was when he said, "hmm....there's confetti" tonight 🙂 . That should give him enough to power through the next few decisions, no matter which way they go.
  9. 11 points
    Today is the first day of Spring. Not sure what these flowers are, it’s outside my nearby library.
  10. 11 points
    Most of this is in response to MedicMom: We don't watch our kids' checking accounts. They are linked to ours as they are student accounts yet they (3 of them) know that we aren't looking to see where they are spending/earning money. I checked my dd's once because she was at work and there were high charges being made at the mall w/her card. And I only saw my ds's enormous deposit because I had gone on-line to look at my own account and saw that his balance was no longer in the $6 range (he really has no money). Given the van issue it was our first thought that he had somehow made a claim and received money - money which was out of his account the next morning. We were seriously confused and asked our ds via email if the claim he had made was done legally, which he assured us it was. That was all the information we received from him and it was in the context of emails about repairs for our van. So yes, we assumed that the funds in/out of his account were connected with the current van issue. His accident was completely unknown to us. We knew it couldn't be loan money or anything else (he has not graduated high school...was slated to do so in May but now that is off the table). As far as him not telling us about the accident, we, too, have not shared many things with our parents so that isn't the issue so much as our ds's heart/attitude at this point. For those who have young adult/older teens like this, you know what I'm talking about and what we are going through with him. As far as protecting the relationship vs. straining/damaging it...I grew up watching my mom get verbally abused by my brother. He could say/do anything and she would take it because she didn't want to "lose" him. It was disgusting. She enabled him, he was horrible to all of us, and we hated him. That is my son. He thrives on conflict and hurting others. We have shown him more than his share of grace and had told him to shape up or get out. He didn't take us seriously, so the decision was made for him to get out. He's also one of those who likes to throw around that he is 18 (as if that is some magical age) when it suits his purpose yet then says we somehow owe him something (like paying a bill) because he's only 18. Nice try, kid. Back to the van issue...we told our ds that the van was going to a shop and he would pay. Our ds told us to use insurance, then suddenly he said he would be coming over this Sunday with his bil to try to fix the van. That is where things stood until the bank account/deposit thing happened. We're not trying to gouge our son out of money, but we want this van fixed and fixed correctly. Our intention isn't to be "hard" on our son but to be real. He wanted real it is.
  11. 11 points
    I hope you are going to put your repairs on your insurance and let them chase it up. His insurance needs to pay you. If you want to help your son help him another way but not by letting him hit your car and not deal with it. He needs to know that’s not an acceptable way to treat anyone.
  12. 10 points
    This is not the topic of this post, but from what you've shared in this thread combined with others, I think you should take a step back from the next baby, changing to homeschooling, fostering, etc. until you get some work done on the foundational relationship of the household. You will either have to accept things as they are or you will have to spend a lot of time into working with your dh on this relationship and your family dynamic. Either way, please think long and hard about adding stressful lifestyle changes when things already are not running in a way that works for you. At this point, you two may need a counselor to mediate the communication and follow-through for the two of you.
  13. 10 points
    I had to comment because I feel exactly like this on a daily basis. I get emotional sometimes when I hear/read women talking about how much they enjoy being a mother. I wanted to enjoy motherhood. I wanted to be a mom so much that I invested huge amounts of effort and money into adopting. My older son has dyslexia* as well, plus ADHD and mild ASD. My younger son has no diagnoses--the evaluator he saw says he's not sure in he's just extremely smart, ASD, or has a mood disorder. All I know is that he's utterly exhausting. My older son has become a lot more pleasant since beginning ADHD meds a couple years ago, but still has an extremely grating personality. I told my husband last night that it is beyond difficult to constantly pour everything of yourself into these little people who really would rather me just leave them alone except for when they want me to provide a service for them. I have basically come to understand that, while I am definitely a low-energy, flawed parent, I didn't DO this to them. In fact, when I am able to think clearly, I can't even imagine how things would be for them if I didn't, all day, every day, teach them coping skills and try to take off some of the rough edges. I tried to talk to my mom about some of this stuff before, and while she tries to sympathize, I'm pretty sure inside she thinks it's like some selfishness problem on my end that makes it difficult for me to enjoy being a mom. But I'm an only child and was an easy, pleasant kid to raise. I think only other moms in this situation can really get it. I mean, I have a hard time right now looking at their baby pictures, because that was such a wonderful time and the present time is so hard. I don't know why some situations are like this and I don't have any advice. I do know that I love my kids and it's clear you do too. We're both doing our best, even though it looks so much different than the best we had imagined. The only thing I can offer is that I think it's good to go through a period of grieving over the loss of what you thought things would be like, and then move on to find a happy place between being the parent they need and also caring for yourself. I think I'm at the tail end of the grieving part and moving into accepting the realistic day-to-day grind of doing what I can to shape them...which might not be very much. Hopefully by the time son 1 is 18, he will be gainfully employed and will be able to make it through a meal without using his hands as a scoop to shovel rice into his mouth. And hopefully son 2 will be able to handle frustrations without turning into The Hulk. We shall see! *I don't think most people realize how very many parts of regular functioning are impacted by dyslexia. I had no idea before my son. Dyslexic brains are wired so much differently, in the same way that ADHD brains are, or ASD. A lot of people think it's just reading trouble. But it really has an impact on soooo many areas of life.
  14. 9 points
    StellaM, when you're right, you're right - mental health issues in a whole family of children is not a coincidence. However, unless you're actually abusive or something traumatic happened to all of them I'm going to say that the not-a-coincidence part is probably genetics. Which you probably know intellectually even if it's hard to feel it inside. Caedmyn, if you think your kids probably qualify for an ADHD diagnosis, is there a reason you haven't pursued it? (And if they're all "mouth breathers" is it possible that they're chronically congested, have sleep apnea, and are tired all the time? The effect of disrupted sleep can look an awful lot like ADHD in children, and I don't even want to imagine how it looks if your child has disrupted sleep AND is also, coincidentally, ADHD. It's not fair that unrested children should get hyper and inattentive rather than look sleepy and droopy all the time, but there it is.)
  15. 9 points
    I'm still in the process of reading replies, but I'm not understanding something. Why did the insurance company pay your son for YOUR van? If I hit another vehicle, the insurance company isn't going to give me the money and tell me to give it to the other driver. I would think that if your son reported the accident, he would have been paid for his damage (assuming he has collision coverage) and the insurance company would have contacted you to arrange payment for your damages. Then you could have had your vehicle repaired. Something seems off.
  16. 9 points
    I would be uncomfortable with him having the money for the repairs to your car. I mean, if a stranger hit your car, they wouldn’t send them the check and have them handle the repair. ‘At the minimum I would request that he hand over the money for the repair and IF he completes the fix in a timely manner he can have the money back. I would also ask to see the insurance paperwork. How he filed that claim without you seems suspicious.
  17. 8 points
    Whoa, you used to be a police officer, and yet you find your kids challenging? I think that probably means your kids are in a special category of challenging, lol! So, what you do mean regarding making a difference in the long-term? Lots of things don't make a difference in the long-term, but we do them anyway. I would say that both of my kids are getting long-term effects from the meds that are good. Are they particularly tangible? No. For instance, my kids have a MUCH BETTER idea of what their areas of strengths and weaknesses are when they take meds. Off meds, their strengths are sometimes, frankly, a joke. Like, it doesn't matter if they can do it or not, because ADHD. On meds, they know what they can do well when obstacles (be it attention, impulsivity, hyperactivity, whatever) are removed. My older son, for instance, is impulsive and inattentive off meds. On meds, there are days I swear he could rule the world or at least a very large warehouse for Amazon or something. He's enormously productive when he's doing things he's good at. Off meds, he'll walk in circles and then randomly get into an argument, lol! He'll forget to eat, repeat himself, and words will literally fall off of him like teflon. I say, "Did you shower?" and he'll say, "Did you shower?" It would be hysterical if it weren't so sad what he's like without them. Things he's not great at? Even those are better with meds, and he's more likely to be able to apply himself to the task. Off meds, he knows he SHOULD BE ABLE to do something, but he CAN'T, and it is demoralizing to him. On meds, he's confident and successful. DS #2 walks around in a fog without meds. Like he's here, but he's not. On meds is still challenging, but he can see that on meds he's more likely to be productive than off. Either way, he is a hot mess, honestly, but he's a hot mess that deals with life much better. He's also safer with meds--less likely to disappear, more likely to know where we're going when we get in the car, etc. (He has many other issues, including auditory processing problems, that contribute to things being difficult for him.) Both of my kids acquire new skills better with meds--everything from actually learning something at physical therapy to learning something in math goes much better with meds than without, and THOSE THINGS STICK. Eventually. The time between unlearned and new habit is dramatically shorter with meds. Not to mention that they are actually learning these things while they are young and FORMING HABITS. I could have a whole discussion about what it's like once (bad) habits are already formed or good habits are non-existent, and you have an adult take these--let's just say it's a much longer path to success. Also, people who know my kids on meds but have never seen them off meds are SHOCKED when if they find out my kids have ADHD. Let's just say no one who's seen them off meds has this "problem." I'm sticking with better living through pharmacology. I wish we'd tried meds sooner.
  18. 8 points
    I’ll be the lone dissenter and say that we have always paid for the kinds of things being described in this thread, as did the parents of my ds’s friends. We also never required our ds to do chores, although he has always been fine with helping out if we asked him. 🙂 I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to this.
  19. 8 points
    If I understand this correctly she is in a good school with good teaching, no negative social aspects (like bullying) and has the social interactions that she craves? The only thing that you don’t like is the homework? I wouldn’t pull her out over that. You might ask on the afterschooling board but I think that I remember people picking and choosing what homework to do if some of it is busy work.
  20. 8 points
    When I think about this Christian thing I wonder why it’s a thing? I mean in our belief system Jesus has to die because we humans aren’t great with obedience. And while the bible tells children to obey their parents it never tells parents to force their children into obedience! Actually it says don’t provoke them to wrath.
  21. 8 points
    From MarketWatch “CHRISTCHURCH, New Zealand — Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern announced an immediate ban Thursday on semi-automatic and automatic weapons like the ones used in the attacks on two mosques in Christchurch that killed 50 worshippers. The man charged in the attack had purchased his weapons legally using a standard firearms license and enhanced their capacity by using 30-round magazines “done easily through a simple online purchase,” she said. “Every semi-automatic weapon used in the terrorist attack on Friday will be banned,” she said. Ardern’s announcement comes less than a week after the killings, as more of the dead were being buried. At least six funerals took place Thursday, including for a teenager, a youth soccer coach and a Muslim convert who loved connecting with other women at the mosque.”
  22. 8 points
    These. I wouldn’t let him do repairs at this stage. Do contact your insurance company and agent both. I don’t think money for repairs to your vehicle should have gone to your son. Makes no sense. At minimum, I think $3000 of the money should be given to you by your son. If it ends up less than that to fix your van you could consider giving the rest back to your son. But something sounds fishy, and I think you need to learn from your insurance company what’s going on. I’d be concerned that unless your sil is a professional in correct type of car repair that the job won’t be well done, and problem between you and son will ripple outward to include widening array of family.
  23. 8 points
    Have you considered evals and possibly medication for them? I am not for racing to medication but it was AMAZING how adding medication made ME a much better parent......even my child commented to the doctor about a month after starting meds on how much better of a mother I had been lately. It seriously can make a huge difference for them, for you, for sibling relationships, family dynamics, and even learning.
  24. 8 points
    The one in Mountain View City Library backyard has bloomed for a few months 🙂 petals are however everywhere. Picture of California Poppies taken yesterday outside a Palo Alto branch library.
  25. 8 points
    What about something simple, like a boxwood wreath? You can dress it up to fit the seasons, or just leave it plain. I love to make my own wreaths, but doesn't sound like you'd be into that! Just in case, here's an easy spring one I recently made:
  26. 7 points
    Geez, they wouldn't be getting those cookies. I pay, I eats. Especially cookies.
  27. 7 points
    @IvyInFlorida I very much relate to your post, Ivy. We are an adoptive family as well. I also find that I am deeply emotionally effected by pouring so much of myself into parenting. And not receiving an emotional return from the children. Part of this is normal for parenting (all parents serve out more to their children than they get in return). On that one hand, that is a bit comforting. On the other hand, I think it makes it difficult for many parents to understand what it is like in families like ours. Because they think, "Yes, that is what motherhood is like." And they don't understand that it happens to a more intense degree for some families. I was also a rule following, easy to raise child. Though I had a difficult older brother. I knew that when I had children, I would parent in such a way that my own children would not be as difficult as my brother was. ***pausing for the maniacal laughter happening in my brain***
  28. 7 points
    I guess I don’t understand. Why are you watching his checking account? It sounds like he is over 18 and living independently. I also don’t understand why your immediate assumption when seeing the money was that he submitted your claim and somehow took the money, which honestly doesn’t make sense anyway. It just sounds like a bunch of jumping to conclusions. The scenario now is most likely he was hit by another driver, his car is totaled, and he got the money and subsequently withdrew it to buy a new vehicle. Again, I am going on the assumption that he’s over 18 and independent, but if he wasn’t injured I see nothing wrong with him not telling you someone t boned him. I was 20 and in an accident and didn’t tell my parents. I wasn’t living at home, the car/title/insurance was mine, and no one was injured. Looking back I’m sure they would have liked to know, but it wasn’t a huge deal when they found out(when I had a new car). It sounds like there is a lot more to the story. Personally, with a relationship as strained as this sounds, I’d start by recognizing that(presuming here) he is a legal adult and independent. Stop checking his bank account. Don’t expect him to call you about a property damage car accident. None of that is helping your relationship. And if you want a relationship with him, I wouldn’t take him to court or even push for the money. You didn’t turn it into insurance in December and it sounds like you’d largely let it go till you saw the money. I suspect his insurance won’t pay for it now or will greatly fight you on it. It also sounds like an older car and simply cosmetic damage. I wouldn’t ruin a chance at salvaging a relationship with my adult child over that. ETA: I read a bit more carefully, so my apologies. Your husband got quotes. Your son said send it to his insurance and file a claim. Why haven’t you? Saying “file a claim with insurance” is a reasonable, adult response. It doesn’t sound like he’s refusing to give you insurance information or otherwise shirking the claim. I do think the time that has passed will be an issue, but it sounds like your son is handling this reasonably at this point.
  29. 7 points
    Tomorrow I wear a headscarf.
  30. 7 points
    You have six kids, four of whom have learning disabilities. You're not a failure! That's hard work! Of course, my saying so can't help enough, but it's true. You're doing a harder job than most parents.
  31. 6 points
    I think you are right. It will also be a question of who the haves are. Does industry get the water? A lot of water is used in manufacturing. If they do, are they responsible for cleaning it? How will they clean it? Who will make sure they cleaned it? Where will they clean it? This is where the EPA comes in. If farm A gets the water because they are upstream (or because they are a corporate farm and lobbied their state legislators), what happens to farm B that is downstream in times of drought? Should industry have to give up water during times of drought so that farms have water to grow food? What about if the industry is, say, making chemotherapy drugs. Does that change the policy? What is more important, chemo drug manufacturing or farming food we can all eat? Does it matter if the farm has a grain crop or a grape crop that primarily goes to wineries? If industry gets the water, then John Q Public isn't getting the water. How is John Q. Public going to have water to drink and meet sanitation needs? What if he wants to fill his swimming pool or wash his car? Should his swimming pool take precedence over the water for the wheat farmers? What about the grape farmers that are supplying wineries? The coca-cola bottling plant? There are a lot of nuances to these decisions. Some companies have, some do not. Some people have, some do not.
  32. 6 points
    LOL what do they think their money is for?
  33. 6 points
    I should have double quoted bc this has to do with his feeling guilty about losing his temper, too. I'm not sure why you are trying to save him from the consequences of his immaturity? Do you feel that he can't change and grow? Lots of us have learned to control our temper bc we felt badly and knew it was wrong. He won't learn to follow through if he never has a chance. So, appreciate what he does do, but don't shield him from the fact that you actually don't think he's contributing (and this does vary by family and season) and that you are unhappy that he has freedom of time and movement that you don't. Don't shield him, by "letting it go" that he won't brush teeth bc he thinks it's a pain. It sounds like neither you nor he think he should be unhappy.
  34. 6 points
    Crocs ...those ugly ones. They slip on and off easily and can be worn with socks or not. Ugly but effective.
  35. 6 points
    They are banning both the purchase and the ownership of these weapons, and all parts to make them, and all larger magazine/clips. There will be a buy back program. There will also be carefully regulated exemptions to the ban -- I saw the example of a farmer who needs to cull his herd. We have a bunch of 20-something workmen (builders, joiners, electricians, etc) at my apartment complex this month, and they all support it.
  36. 6 points
    I heard a speaker differentiate between balance and rhythm. It's hard to balance on one for for very long but it's pretty easy to keep a rhythm. The way the talk influenced my daily life was to help me look at different activities in different ways. Some things I do daily, some weekly, and some seasonally. The Orthodox Church also helps with this: seasons of fasting and seasons of feasting, a weekly rhythm of the same, a daily rhythm of prayer. He also mentioned writing the story and plan of your life in pencil, with big margins, so you leave space for the unexpected and other people, and so changes can be made. It really cuts down on tedium to live this way, and it accommodates my need for variety without making me a quitter. In addition, I can set aside blocks of time--entire days or weeks--for big projects (making a quilt, or doing some writing--things that I can't get done a half hour at a time). It takes some paying attention to find your rhythm, but it's a lot easier to maintain than a perfect balance.
  37. 6 points
    Yes she is accepted to Fordham, Franklin & Marshall, Clark, Lawrence and Pitt. She really likes Clark a lot (and her best friend just got accepted there today!), and I think once she visits F&M she may be pretty enthusiastic about that as well. But she liked Hamilton even better, so she’s disappointed. Her current favorite is Vassar though so 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼
  38. 6 points
    Apparently our ds took photos but I/we are still wondering the same as you. I swear I will take 8 teething babies or whiny toddlers over one young adult slogging through this time of life.
  39. 6 points
    (The website won't let me clear the above box.) I think it's important to remember the rules of help. You should ask someone if they want help before giving it, (assuming it's not an actual emergency) and you should ask what form of help they want if they say they want it. He didn't do either of those things. He's not a little kid we make allowances for when they give unwanted help or awkward help. We're talking about an adult who has had adequate time to realize everyone is different and they may or may not want help and if they do they may want if in a very specific form at a specific time. He's also old enough to know that mind-reading isn't real and people are supposed to use their words, because again, people are all different. They have different wants, needs, desires, priorities, approaches, goals, etc. and clear communication is required to get everyone on the same page. My husband and I ask each other things like, "What can I do to help you?" or "Is there anything you need me to do?" or "When is a good time for you to discuss a game plan for dealing with...." or "How can we divide and conquer......" or "Do you want me to help you with that?"
  40. 6 points
    one more thing. something I picked up from observations of others family dynamics when I was much younger. (and long before dudeling) there are three types of children. those who will generally turn out well, regardless of their childhood circumstances. those who are affected by family circumstances and home life - and nurture influences how they turn out. (I think this is the largest group). and then there are those... who will give the absolute best parents in the world a run for their money. many people who've never had/known/been related to a child from that third category often don't even realize it exists. they think all children are in #2. (they'll also attribute any of their children in #1 turning out so well because "they're such awesome parents"...) I recall once reading the experience of a man who used to think that (all children are in #2) - until he had the epiphany, that there was a third category and none of his kids were in it. (so he needed to be more understanding of, and compassionate towards, those parents who had children from that third category.)
  41. 6 points
    I can empathize, cadmyn. On the first time obedience thing....I don't know about the OP, but I learned this expectation from reading parenting books and going to parenting classes at my church. It is presented as biblical, so as a committed Christian who wanted to be the best possible parent, I absorbed the message. However, my children did NOT. And I have felt a lot of discouragement from that, too. And discouragement from teaching them the same things over and over and over again. And then over and over again. For years and years and years. Because they don't learn it. Sigh. I was deep in discouragement and probably depression, and it helped me when I stopped homeschooling. I just needed some breathing room from all of the constant struggle and the continual bad feelings that I was having. I had also become isolated from friends, because when I had four very young children, I just couldn't reach out to others; I was so exhausted. And my friends fell off the radar. So my world kind of diminished to being all about homeschooling (also kids with LDs) and parenting, and those things were so, so hard, and my outlook was bleak. My kids have been in school now for four years. I'm still working on pulling out of it and reforming friendships and figuring out what to do with myself that does not revolve solely around parenting. I think one of the things that hit me hard is that I had the life I had always wanted. I had always, always dreamed of being a stay at home mom. It was crushing to feel like I was failing at the one thing that I had so longed to do. I thought I was made for being a mother. And I felt that I was unable to do it well. I don't have answers for you, because I had to give up homeschooling in order to keep from sinking personally. I guess I would say that it might help to find some way to have some kind of happiness or fulfillment outside of your family obligations. And I realize how easy that is to say and how hard it is to do when you have so many children. But it might help a little. I also think that you are likely doing better than it feels. Even when you fall short (we all do), you are a blessing to your children, and in the long run, it will be okay. It just seems like a very, very long run much of the time.
  42. 6 points
    I'm sorry you're feeling like a failure. You are not a failure. Some kids are just hard!! You have a lot on your plate, and, from what your wrote, I think you are doing a heroic job. I believe there's a lot more nature than nurture in kids. One thing stood out to me in your post. " I think kids should generally listen and do what they're told/asked the first time, at least most of the time." Why do you think this? Were you this type of child? Did you generally listen and do what you were told and asked first time as a child? Genuine question. If you did, your parents were very lucky they had you. I do think that is common among firstborns, but not even always then. If not, why not and why would you expect your own dc to be different? Next question, was your husband like that as a child? Is your husband like that now? A general rule follower? Are you? Our children can inherit some of our personality traits, just like eye color and hair color. So, they can inherit that tendency to follow rules and obey or not. Plus, they see how we interact with the world. The Charlotte Mason quote "A child is a person." is very apt in many situations. While, it does mean they are deserving of our respect and love because they are people, it also means they come with their own ideas, thoughts, feelings and desires. This applies to whether they want to brush their teeth and clean their room as much as it does to the fact that they randomly think to give you a hug. They don't see the world as you do just because you say so. Last question, does your dh treat you with respect and vice versa? Your dc will see if you do or don't and that can influence whether they see you two as worthy of respect. Just some things to think about.
  43. 6 points
    I guess this is what bugs me about the general response on this thread. We are not obliged to accept help just because it's meant well. Like, if your neighbor said, hey, can I help with your lawn, and you said, no thanks, I'm on it. And then your neighbor cut your bushes, that would not be okay. That would be lawsuit level for some people. Or if your teen wanted to "help" with dinner after you asked them not to and you're on a budget and wasted $50 worth of food burning it, it would be okay to be upset with them. Or if a good friend asked if she could help with a personal issue you were having, and you said, no, it's private, but she then blabbed about it to all her other friends to crowdsource a solution for you, it would be okay to be angry. All those people meant well, but you don't have to accept the help in the spirit it was intended, because the end result was dead bushes, wasted food and money, and community embarrassment, and the people all overstepped when they disregarded your wishes. Yeah, a marriage is a little different and this isn't quite as bad as those. But at the same time, we're not obliged to place the intention of the act as paramount. It's okay to be upset about the effects of an act when it was poorly thought out. My kid didn't intend to break his computer last week... but his careless treatment still led to its demise and the fact that he wasn't purposefully bludgeoning it didn't mean I wasn't going to let him have to live with the consequences. Intention is not everything.
  44. 5 points
    Finally getting on--new set of twin rams! I've been watching this ewe for days--she's been squirreling around, calling to her lambs, etc. Only she hadn't had them yet! She needed a bit of help with the first one--big head and huge shoulders. laundry, including lamb towels and coats. We re-coated the older lambs--they were wearing muscle shirts. And found that with the new puppy, you can't put ANYTHING down or she'll run off with it. She's shut out of the pairs, as her first lambing is just TOO exciting. sewing--trying to finish some doll clothes. sweep write kids write Scout who is off on YWAM training--he wrote the nicest letter! dinner watch (I hope) dd's Latin American Music Ensemble concert--sure hope they stream it. Messed up--it's tomorrow, so maybe they'll stream!
  45. 5 points
    I am sorry that you are going through all of this. This partially grown up and independent stage can be difficult to navigate and emotionally draining. On the bright side, it sounds as if he has his own car, is paying his own insurance, and is able to navigate an accident and insurance claim on his own at 18. Although many of his actions are not mature and do not demonstrate the type of behavior you would like him to show, this does demonstrate some important life skills that many 18 year-olds would have difficulty with. If he does want to be independent at this point, I would be in favor of changing the banking situation so that his checking account is no longer linked to yours. It has the potential of causing stress for you as you do see the balance when you log on and off to your own accounts, and the linking is probably not serving an positive purpose at this point if you are not planning to subsidize his life choices.
  46. 5 points
    It's just that water being present on Earth doesn't equal water being potable and accessible to each person. Some parts of the US, for example, are rapidly taking out aquifer water that took many thousands of years to fill up. The water is still on Earth, but rain is not going to filter down into their ground fast enough to replenish it & continue to supply a large population. There may be perfectly lovely water a few hundred miles away, but it's expensive, energy-demanding, and inconvenient to truck in most or all that the community needs. The other solution is to use expensive, energy-demanding, high-tech techniques like they do on the space shuttle, where (as one astronaut put it) "Yesterday's coffee becomes tomorrow's coffee."
  47. 5 points
    this. I remember going on vacation without my sister when I was ten. it was glorious! for the first time, we had a family vacation without her drama. my brother was/is an @$$ - and my mother let him treat her like carp because she "didn't want to alienate him". it does a heck of a lot of damage - not just to the parent, but to all the siblings as well.
  48. 5 points
    Some water is actually being lost to things like gel absorption diapers, iirc. but also aquifers and similar fresh water sources can get severely depleted and even if their water is ultimately “recycled” if it becomes rain over ocean, or flash floods that ultimately sweep out to rivers and sea, it doesn’t help with needed fresh water. Salt water is part of water cycle, but not so helpful for drinking, irrigation, etc.
  49. 5 points
    OP, lots of hugs to you. I think most mothers have felt like failures over and over again. And the more kids you have... well, it is just more opportunity for failure. The hardest thing is to separate yourself from your kids. Their triumphs are theirs and their struggles are theirs as well. You help and worry and love, but you cannot FIX. The hardest school days were teaching my ds2 and dd2 to read and write. Horrible, constant failure. I would wake up in the middle of the night. It seemed we would never, ever emerge from the slog. But- we did. They still have their struggles, but they always will. And accepting that, helped me step back. As well as keeping a different set of standards in my head for each kid. I have straight A students and B students and students who really, really couldn't care less. If I held them all to the same standard, I would be a mess. And kids' personalities- sigh. Some fit with you and some don't. I love all my kids- but some are exhausting and some are easy. They are just people- not lumps of clay or genetic copies. And they will be themselves.
  50. 5 points
    Alright, guys; false alarm. My dd did this as something for college. 🙄😑😣 So glad my tuition dollars are going to such good use.
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