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Showing content with the highest reputation on 10/09/2018 in all areas

  1. 20 points
    I actually think your answer of telling her the colleges your kids attend is a brilliant one. It substantiates the "this works well for our family". You should be proud of that.
  2. 16 points
    *except when company arrives shortly, in which case these activities are practice in a valuable life skill.
  3. 15 points
    Cleaning means actually picking the toys up and putting them where they belong. It does not mean hiding everything under your bed and then strategically using your bedspread to cover the fact that everything that was in the middle of the floor is now all shoved under the bed. Bonus insider hack-shoving what doesn't fit in the closet and closing the door is also not cleaning.
  4. 15 points
    I'm just going to leave this here:
  5. 15 points
    I have not heard this; I only heard "can't see the forest FOR the trees".
  6. 14 points
    Fight or flight aren't the only two adrenal responses to a perceived danger. It is often called: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn OR fight, flight, freeze, or appease I think a lot of us have the freeze or appease response, which sets us up for accusations of consent because we didn't fight or flee.
  7. 14 points
    I think the first definition is accurate, because it includes mention of “lacking ability to consent,” which is an important element. Part of my view I was expressing in the locked thread is this: cultural understanding of consent has come a looooong way in thirty years. It is problematic to apply today’s standard - which I am happy is where we have arrived - to events that may have happened far in the past. To me it is comparable to issues of discrimination suffered several decades ago. The treatment of protected groups of people has improved over decades; I am very happy this is the case. It wouldn’t make sense to me, though, if, say, a woman claimed she was discriminated against for the promotion of Chief of Police and was permanetly kept on parking violations duty thirty years prior, because she was a woman. Or if a gay couple tried to sue a Landlord now because the LL refused to rent to them in the 70s. I am very glad we, on the whole, are thoroughly instructing our kids in what it means to consent. My 18yo ds has had it drummed into his head by me and the college also drums it into their heads. I surely hope he never does anything to anyone without consent and I hope nothing non-consensual is never done to him. I have also instructed him to avoid situations where he could be accused. I am one of the people who said something like this happened in my life when I was 14. While I don’t want that to be an experience any of my kids have, it - for me; not implying others should feel the same! - was not traumatic. It was embarassing; I previously liked the guy. He was cute and popular. Later, seeing him around was embarassing. He never had another conversation with me. But it didn’t traumatize me. For me it was like, “Wow. That was a sh!tty turn of events. I used to think he was cute.” I, personally, have spent almost zero minutes thinking about that event in 33 years. I don’t horrible-ize the words I use to describe that event. Only in the wake of the #metoo movement have I even thought about it at all. I personally do not feel it would be right for me to bring an accusation against this guy now if he were famous or running for office. For one thing, there were no witnesses at all. Someone could perhaps know or remember or produce a yearbook in which I wrote something about how I thought that guy was cute. No way would I open that can of worms for anything. But, more importantly, it’s back to what I said about judging past behaviors through today’s understanding of them and that is not right. I did not take legal action against him in the 80s, partially because I thought it was lousy but I was not harmed. I think I may have told my best friend about it but other than that, I did not tell anyone. Also, suppose it turns out he went on to a lifetime of assaulting women. Suppose they start coming forward now and tell their tales. Well, I would not throw my hat in the ring on that. I would feel it was too long ago, too “small” of a matter, not provable, and not worth it. I would feel he could get what’s coming to him on the strength of the more recent/provable events. Please, please, nobody personalize what I am saying as “sexual assault is no big deal.” I am only speaking about how it affected me personally, thirty+ years ago when views of consent were a lot different.
  8. 14 points
    I am going to be honest.....................I don't care. I give a gift because I love the receiver and want them to have XYZ. Not because I care if they call me to thank me. Let me ask you this, do you have any other relationship with her besides birthday and christmas gifts?
  9. 13 points
    Here’s a situation that happened to me the summer after high school graduation. I was dating a guy who was going into his Senior year of college. I was his first girlfriend and he had never kissed anyone before. I was the more experienced, lol. We had not had any physical contact except holding hands up until this incident. We were sleeping in sleeping bags out on a beach, and I woke up to him fondling my breasts. He didn’t know I was awake, and I ended up just pretending to turn over. He stealthily withdrew his hand, and that was that. We finally kissed a few days later, though never did anything else, and we broke up at the end of the summer when he met his later wife. He is now a professor at a university, happily married for decades. I doubt he acted inappropriately with anyone else. He was very naive and very embarrassed about his naïveté and was seriously lacking in “skills”. I had no sense of violation at the time. I wanted him to do more with me physically, lol. Now, looking back, I do feel a sense of violation. It was not right of him to touch me without my consent, even if I would have given the consent. He didn’t know that, hence the sneakiness. Not to mention, why do so many men just think they have the right to touch our bodies? I can honestly say it never crossed my mind to reach out a grab a guy’s junk while he was sleeping if we hadn’t already been at that point while awake many times and I knew he’d be fine with it. I just don’t feel entitled to access to their bodies. Did he asault me? Yep. I would never do anything to him, but the situation was not okay. I didn’t know enough to be upset that a man was doing this to me, and he didn’t know enough to understand why what he was doing was a profound wrong. We were both badly served by the times we grew up in. I was harmed, but I didn’t even have enough sense of bodily autonomy to know I was harmed. The damage done wasn’t apparent at the time, but the concept that men have access to my body was reinforced in a damaging way even though I didn’t recognize it. We may think we weren’t really affected by some of these more minor violations, but we were. That doesn’t mean we need to file police reports now or do anything, but I don’t think we should deny that they reinforced unhealthy ideas about male access to our bodies. As long as we shrug off men accessing our bodies without our enthusiastic consent, we make it easier for worse things to happen. (I’m not addressing anyone in particular on this thread - just preaching to a general audience! “We” means all women.) editing to add when I say we make it easier for worse things to happen, that isn’t meant to be victim blaming. I just mean we help perpetuate an environment where men think they have more access than they should and they shouldn’t have to face consequences.
  10. 12 points
    Oh look! I could have said what I did with just one sentence. ??
  11. 12 points
    In our culture there is a strange tendency to minimize the sexual assault of children by calling it molestation or abuse rather than rape. We also also have tendency to minimize rapes that are faciliated by coercion rather than blatantly physical force even though both are very much violations of someone’s bodily autonomy and freedom. So called “forcible rape” has become a dog whistle term for parsing between survivors and that’s problematic for me. I find it very distasteful. I also would point out that not feeling traumatized by a rape or sexual assault doesn’t make someone strong and feeling traumatized doesn’t make someone weak. Not feeling traumatized may just mean someone is compartmentalizing or rationalizing what happened. Or that someone has been deeply traumatized in other ways. In my situation I vacillated between attempting to convince myself that what had happened had not happened (despite knowing full well it had) and denying that it impacted me to the degree that it did. I tried to frame myself as not a victim. Before I had the chance to confront my rapist, he did the world a favor and died. I know he must have continued after me and I feel profound anger that we live in a world where it is just not safe or feasible for girls to always report their abuse. It is really common for survivors to not be believed by their own families. My immediate family believed me but part of my extended family did not. This provided me a handy dandy cheat sheet of who in the family wasn’t safe to be around. I’ve saved myself a lot of grief cutting off people who defended him. I’ve probably also substantially reduced my sons’ chances of being sexually abused or raped as children by cutting off the people who would either do that or defend anyone who would. One of the ways cycles of sexual violence in families are perpetuated is when people try move past it like nothing ever happened.
  12. 12 points
    Good Tuesday morning! I slept better last night and feel more normal today. The "original" poison ivy places look dried out, but the red swollen patch from the creams is still red. But less swollen. Prognosis? Survival. Of course! This has been the morning Arm Report (not to be confused with the morning Farm Report, lol.)
  13. 12 points
    I don't give gifts with any expectation of being thanked. It's nice if it happens, but -- I give gifts because I want to, with no strings attached. It's not about me, it's about the person I'm giving to.
  14. 11 points
    I'd buy a bunch of water balloons and have a water balloon fight with my kids in the front yard. Anyone could join in. (or some other weather appropriate activity that is fun) Talking to the parents and "forcing" their kids to play with your kids is not going to make things easier for your kids. Investing some time and energy into making your kids the cool kids to hang out with might encourage the other kids to forget about their ostracizing plans so they can join in on the fun.
  15. 11 points
    Then those boys and their parents need to except that my daughter kicking them in the nuts hard enough to make the guy gag is just going to be part of how girls have to be and their little boy can get the hell over it. DBAD and keep your hands to yourself is something most kindergartners have no problem with so the boys will be boys bullshirt doesn’t fly with me. Seriously I’m so done with that nonsense. They make a hostile environment, they can quit their moaning and whining about women acting violently about it. I swear that’s the real issue. Some men are terrified they will have to live with the consequences of their actions and we all know that’s supposed to be women’s work.
  16. 10 points
    I think this is really useful and something we should talk to our daughters about.
  17. 10 points
    I don't know if you my remember my Life Sucketh post from a couple of days ago. I just want to say that it sucketh a bit less or perhaps I just reverted to my natural optimism. Anyway,. . . the struggle is real but we can do it!
  18. 10 points
    Guess who turns 1 tomorrow!! The nicest little almost 1yr old ever. ? ? ? And then I turn 40 the next day. ?I could have waited and day and had him on my birthday but I decided to give him his own day.
  19. 10 points
    Yep! Don’t engage from the outset. Find a line like “that’s how we choose to educate” or “this is our families choice” and don’t go into it. The more you give reasons the longer this stuff goes for. You need a polite but firm way of letting people know it’s not up for discussion.
  20. 9 points
    I am a rather private person and guard the little privacy that we have these days. This is not how most people handle it. Paradoxically, I never think those who do share are too open, too whatever. Maybe they have more energy to deal with the fallout and have more courage than I did. I would not announce anything (but I don't think others are wrong if they do) to any one who "does not need to know." And even that term is debatable. When I had surgery with early ovarian cancer 11 years ago, I told nobody except my dh and my best friend. My son knew about it too. I didn't even tell my mother because I would have had to put up with endless questions and "oh my, oh dear..." When I was in the middle of it I did not have the energy to deal with other people's surprise and possible shock. We did not tell ILs either because I did not see any reason to worry anyone. Had things gone downhill for me, I suppose I would have had to say something sooner or later. If it somehow came out now, I could deal with it much better because it's in the past now - even though there is no way of knowing if something will rear its ugly head again or something new will crop up. All this to say I think you have a right to decide whom to tell and you need not make any excuses. If someone later finds out and comments on it, I suppose I would say something along the lines of "It was a stressful time and I had little energy / or needed to just focus on this one thing." The whole world is not entitled to every bit of news about someone.
  21. 9 points
    I agree. Words mean something and just like we all understand the difference between swearing at someone, punching someone, assaulting someone with a deadly weapon and killing someone, I think people naturally do understand that not all sexual misconduct or sex crimes are the same thing. I have noticed that what we used to call sexual harassment is sometimes now, culturally (not legally), considered sexual assault. I really don’t think this is helpful. It’s important that words have meaning. Having men yell lewd things at me is simply not the same think as being raped. The former could be terrifying and traumatic but it’s not one and the same thing as the latter. The impact on me is different and the legal consequences (if any) are and should be very different.
  22. 8 points
    I’m struggling a little bit with this decision about sharing my cancer diagnosis with “everyone else.” I have told all the important people, the main groups I am a part of, and a few “straggler” friends who are not part of my groups and don’t see me often IRL. I have not yet done so, but I plan to inform my first cousins, because they might need to know this if they go through a cancer diagnosis. There are a couple other “straggler” friends I have thought about telling but haven’t yet. I have considered putting up a post on FB to just sort of cover it with “everyone else.” I partially don’t want to do this, though, because I...don’t really know why; something about making a blanket announcement to “everyone” just makes me terribly uncomfortable. It might be true that anyone who doesn’t know by now doesn’t really need to know that badly. OTOH, it could definitely be awkward later if people are like, “What do you mean you’re a breast cancer survivor? When did you have bc?” Also, though...maybe I don’t care about what those people may think. If they don’t know about it, they aren’t central to my life maybe. Maybe? I’m not sure. Is this really just for me to decide? Or is there an etiquette I don’t know about that would be proper? P.S. it again strikes me as ironic that I talk about this struggle with strangers on the WWW, yet I’m talking about feelings of privacy. ☺️
  23. 8 points
    Tell who you want to tell. Be clear about how you want those people to handle the info, such as "Please share with your church's prayer chain" vs. "Please don't share this info with anyone else, including your 2,557 FB friends." (There are too many people whose reaction to anyone else's difficult life situation is to post on their own FB about how stressful it is for them that their friend or sibling or distant cousin they haven't seen since 2nd grade is dealing with such-and-such problem... because it's all about them. ?) Praying for your journey.
  24. 8 points
    I'd like to address this point because I do think that street/work harassment does in deed "train" women to NOT speak up. So, 1000 small sexual affronts and objectifications become the price of living in the world. So, when that line is crossed (often without witnesses) it makes it harder to say something at that point. I agree 100% that verbal sexual harassment and physical sexual assault aren't the same thing, so I'm not trying to argue that. Just that the daily/weekly/monthly smaller violations reinforce that 1) no one will ever care if you do speak up and 2) this is just the way the world is.
  25. 8 points
    Good morning! Back to the ol' grind today. Hopefully it won't seem too bad. I think I'm working til 5 at job #2 then going to job #1 to do payroll. Dh is supposed to pick up ds11 from me and take him to tae kwon do. Or maybe I'll leave in time to do that. Who knows? I need to workout, anyway. School today, too! ?
  26. 8 points
    I generally HATE condescension, but sometimes it works faster than anything else. I find that instead of getting defensive if you put a "Oh honey" look on your face, like you pity her for being so naive and misinformed, and then say something like, "It's pretty clear you're misinformed about home schooling and I've learned it's best not to get into conversations about it with people who refuse to educate themselves on the topic" followed by whatever you said about the colleges your other two are in you will tend to shut that crap down. It probably won't change that mom's opinion, but it will tell you you don't care what she thinks and all the rude ranting in the world will be met with resistance rather than approval.
  27. 8 points
    It's always a negative in my neck of the woods ( ? ). Because the inference is that the tree person is missing out on seeing the forest, when the forest is so obvious. They are missing the whole point and are latching onto details that are inconsequential. The point of the saying, as I have always heard it used, is not that there are detail people and big picture people and everyone has strengths to offer. But that the tree person is not grasping something that they should be. They are not getting it, even though the forest is right there. It's not necessarily an insult, but an observation that is not complimentary.
  28. 8 points
    Fascinating. My interpretation of this cliche has always been something along the lines of focusing on the details to the detriment of seeing the big picture. Not a personal insult, just an observation that the perspective is different than it seems.
  29. 7 points
    I'm hoping that this shameless parental brag actually serves the purpose of being encouraging to those wondering if they can adequately prepare their STEM-oriented kids for a challenging college program. My daughter (in her junior year) was recently notified that she is in the top 1/8 of the engineering class at her school. It's pretty cool, not only because her classmates are generally quite bright and hard-working, but especially considering that her science and math background was somewhat advanced, but not particularly special. She worked through Apologia physics and chemistry, doing labs at a homeschool co-op class. She did AP Biology and AP Comp Sci with PA Homeschoolers. She used Teaching Textbooks through Alg 2, then Derek Owens for precalc and Calc AB, followed by Calc 2 and 3 at our local college. No math or science extracurriculars during high school; she was more sports and music-oriented. Anyway, carry on, and I hope this brag helps somebody ?
  30. 7 points
    I will say, though, having grown up in the 70's and 80's, that while boys got away with a wide range of behaviours, it didn't generally involved pinning a girl down with his hand over her mouth. That was going too far, even for the 70's.
  31. 7 points
    Well I was just informed a few minutes ago, lying on the ground and playing with a lost Cheerio counts as cleaning. Specifically "cleaning so much." ?
  32. 7 points
    I think it really is up to you. Do whatever will make you feel better, if you can identify what that is.
  33. 7 points
    I always think of this type of situation when the topic comes up. I've certainly known lots of people who found/put themselves in such situations. I may have done so myself in my deep dark past. Never would I consider it assault if I was stupid drunk and got too friendly, to the point of regret, with a guy. I have a hard time considering it assault when both parties are stupid drunk and consent is implied by behavior. I think men and women carry equal responsibility for not becoming so impaired they can't properly give/withhold consent or properly discern consent/withholding of consent. In my partying days, I saw a lot of bad behavior by both men and women. I knew lots of women who expressed morning after regret but there was no feeling of having been sexually assaulted, because they recognized that they had invited it with their behavior. This is not victim-blaming so please no one try to go there from this. This was people regretting what they themselves had done. (Not how they dressed or wore their makeup, but how they interacted with the guy.) This was in the later 80s/early 90s. I don't run in those sorts of circles anymore (for which I literally thank God daily) but I assume things have changed. Or maybe they haven't.
  34. 7 points
    ime there are men who take every opportunity to touch sexually when there is no audience and no consent. I understand, its human to need touch and many have no partner due to the consequences of their personal decision to violate social norms and women's bodies. They understand they are violating, and they've got the smooth words to make the woman want to just leave feeling icky and the manager think there was a misunderstanding rather than pressing for a hostile workplace remediation. Sorry, but no man gets to place his hand on another woman's hand, back, breast, butt etc without consent. Her personhood is to be respected. There is no perspective disaster, there is simply a male weaseling out of being accountable for the opportunity he just took to violate. You can bet your bottom dollar he wouldn't do it if there was an audience.
  35. 7 points
    You either change your expectations or change your behavior. That means you either give her gifts knowing full well you won’t hear a word of thanks for it or you stop giving her gifts altogether and accept whatever fallout (should there be any) will happen as a result.
  36. 7 points
    It bugs me - but only because I don't understand it. I feel so appreciative of gifts that I can't imagine not thanking someone for their thoughtfulness or generosity or whatever. So, when I send or give what I think is a thoughtful gift and get no acknowledgement, it hurts my feelings a bit but I also wouldn't consider not sending gifts because of it. I get excited about many gifts I give because I do try to make them special so it does bother me if I get no response because I'm so excited about the person receiving the special gift! It baffles me that someone can get a gift and not even think to thank the giver. ETA: I wrote this late when I was tired. What I really meant to say is that I don't understand not having a sense of gratitude because it's such a positive part of my own life.
  37. 7 points
    I stop giving them gifts. I don’t give gifts just to get thank yous but I also don’t feel obligated to give gifts to people with no manners especially once they hit about mid teens.
  38. 6 points
    I really greatly appreciate all the assurances in this thread. I have decided not to post about it on FB and I am also not going to worry about those “straggler” friends I mentioned. Interesting point, @elegantlion about a survivor support group. It’s not something I considered much and I brushed it off in my “Cancer Welcome Packet” (lol), but I might avtually consider it after all.
  39. 6 points
    sigh, the cat climbed into the bird feeder and can’t figure out how to get down........ oooh, there she goes. A less than graceful descent. Now she’s looking around to see who saw her....”what?..... nothing to see here, i’m Just sitting here grooming, that wasn’t me tumbling down from the birdfeeder.... no,not me.”
  40. 6 points
    Dd15 wants to apply for a scholarship that would pay all her expenses to spend 6 weeks in Japan next summer (sponsered through a reputable organization). She would be staying with a family and would be 16yo by that time. My initial reaction is "Go for it!". What do you think? Go for it(?) Booyah! This is the thread that never ends, It just goes on and on my friends. People started posting not knowing what it was, And they will keep on posting here forever just because... This is the thread that never ends You'd best come join it with your friends 'Cuz it will replace Facebook as the latest web-based craze And everyone will post here instead for the rest of their days This is the thread that's always there They'll cheer you up so don't despair The group is growing well as more people start checking in And we'll keep sucking them in because our cheer is addictive This is the thread that never ends It's better than a Mercedes Benz It helps with coffee withdrawal and other troubles, too Eighteen hundred pages of friends all cheering for you This thread keeps going on and on with record-setting length and fun It started twenty-four months ago from curiosity and all the fun and frolic has shown this is the place to be This is the thread that never ends... And the place where one finds special friends, the kind that have hearts that are strong and true Yes, ITT ladies, I am talking to you! This is the thread that never ends...
  41. 6 points
    So much wisdom in this thread! Had to quote these for truth, and so I would remember them all!
  42. 6 points
    Cinnamon licks my fingers like a dog. All our bunnies have given us little licks but hers are by far the most enthusiastic.
  43. 6 points
    Good morning! I'm going to try to jump back in here! Today, not a whole lot of negotiables, so I figured it would be a good day! Selkie, are your big kids eating vegan at school? How is that working out? To do: Check on ymca account Work (maybe both places) Leftovers for supper Workout Ds11 to tae kwon do School Make Rosie vacuum?
  44. 6 points
    Good morning! Too many things need doing. And I have to make a phone call. I dreamed last night that we all came down with blistering poison ivy, except in my dream it was measles, or something. Everyone kept saying it was no big deal, just put a bandaid on it, but I put my foot down and said we were all going to the ER! Regular day of lessons, kids' orchestra tonight. Coffee!
  45. 6 points
    Good Morning! Happy Tuesday! Lots to do!
  46. 6 points
    Day 260 steps Day 132 hips Day 31 bird dog.
  47. 6 points
    I agree with Jean--I stop giving gifts. I got complaints about a particular baby blanket to a relative, and then when I sent another baby blanket to that grown-up baby, I never heard. So, I didn't send one for the next baby. I don't send stuff for TU notes, but I want to know that the gift arrived. I didn't send a baby gift to another relative as I never heard on the wedding gift. I have a great niece I've been sewing piles of doll clothes for--really fancy doll clothes. Not only do I get a TU, but I get photos and the little girl signs the cards. I went to the trouble to track down the same fabric that I used for the quilt for little sister, as big sis really wanted it. I tracked down the fabric and made some doll outfits from it. She was ecstatic. THAT'S who I sew for--someone who will appreciate the gift. Isn't that cute? The others--pfft--they don't seem to care. Another relative, again, no TU for the wedding gift, so no baby gift--it doesn't matter to them. I took the quilt top that was supposed to go to a relative--one who'd blown off the others, and finished it for dd and her dh. I got a photo back and thanks from both of them. They knew the amount of time and effort I'd put in. I was disappointed in one of my grad friends this year. Really? You couldn't be bothered to at least SIGN a card? And your mother was fine with a printed pasted-on boiler plate letter? I'll think twice about your little sister's as it obviously doesn't mean much to the family. The return address was the mother's handwriting. With that one exception, ALL our our grads sent nice TUs this year. Good for them!
  48. 6 points
    Painting stairwells is a pain!! Worse than bathrooms. New moms of littles are annoying. Sorry, Slache, not you. Me- Is this tablet good for baby to watch videos on a long plane ride? ANM (Annoying new moms)- Babies shouldn't be watching videos. Give them some cups and counting bears. Stimulate their brains. Me: ? Yeah, that'll work for 13hrs... And counting bears are choking hazards. Hey, ANM, my DS 17 is proof that doing everything perfectly still gets you a teenager. I've moved on to nothing matters and don't care.
  49. 6 points
    Don't think I'll need that curtain order! I looked at the house and I told dh I'm interested in moving. He'll go inside tomorrow (he's been in there in the past for an event, but I think it's been a while). I think overall it has more pros than cons. Overall more space. The kitchen is small but may actually be more functional. The laundry is not in the kitchen (this house it is). There is an area indoors where we could store and organize tools (right now they are haphazardly stored in our mudroom in/out of a tool box). There's a pegboard and some shelving there. The kids would each have their OWN bedroom. We would still have a spare room to use as a craft area/office. This house is a combination of wood and tile. That one is all tile. There are less windows and they are smaller. They take up less wall space which would make arranging furniture easier. The yard is so so but might be easier to maintain. I think less to mow. The master is way bigger. Has a walk in closet, bathroom, and currently has a piano in there. I don't want to keep the piano. My kids won't take lessons right now. Our current master shares a door to the hallway, a tiny closet, and a door to the kitchen plus 5 huge windows. Barely any free wall space and no master bath.
  50. 6 points
    I was that teen (and young adult). I was never taught to express gratitude that way. If the gift was given to me in person I would certainly say "thank you" and give the gift-giver a hug. I was not taught to send thank-you notes. For gifts I received through the mail I would say "thank you" the next time I saw the person.
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